andrem11 Posted July 21, 2022 Posted July 21, 2022 Within the next week or two, it will be two years since my ex gf (25F) and I (29M) split. I still feel like a shell of the person I was before we started dating. I haven't had any person to person contact with her, I have been to therapy, been on SSRI's for almost two years, made new friends, learned new hobbies. found success in my career, moved to a new city and dated other people. Still, something inside of me still feels broken. I feel bitter and jaded and lonely. I have been on multiple bad dates which I feel have reinforced a negative view towards women and I just feel generally apathetic towards the whole dating scene. The women I have met either seem desperate because they are approaching 30, feel the need to change me in some way, have gone on dates with me just to stroke their egos, or just aren't really people I would be interested in continuing to see. I've taken a couple of breaks because I am so disheartened by the process, and unfortunately, I still have yet to meet anyone who is available that compares to the way my ex made me feel. I am constantly flip flopping between the belief that I want to be with someone, and that maybe I'm just the kind of person who "should" be alone - (I feel as though I have more "success" and am generally a more outgoing person when I am alone). I'm beginning to feel antsy in my life and am looking to make a major change, because what I am doing now is just clearly not working. I guess my main point here is that I feel like I've done many of the "correct" things to do, and am still feeling incredibly lost. Any advice on this situation would be appreciated. 1
glows Posted July 21, 2022 Posted July 21, 2022 Dating burnout is common but pull back when you need to recharge. No sense getting too disheartened. It is perfectly ok and part and parcel of dating, all part of the package. Remember to meet your potential dates early on (avoid long texting spells over a week). If you're looking for someone to replace your ex, it's a good sign you aren't over her yet and there are no time limits or guides for that. Do you know why you both broke up two years ago? what were the issues in the relationship? If you know these you can grow from them.
Author andrem11 Posted July 21, 2022 Author Posted July 21, 2022 44 minutes ago, glows said: Dating burnout is common but pull back when you need to recharge. No sense getting too disheartened. It is perfectly ok and part and parcel of dating, all part of the package. Remember to meet your potential dates early on (avoid long texting spells over a week). If you're looking for someone to replace your ex, it's a good sign you aren't over her yet and there are no time limits or guides for that. Do you know why you both broke up two years ago? what were the issues in the relationship? If you know these you can grow from them. If I'm being honest, I'm still not entirely sure. I've come up with a variety of possible reasons in my head. The jist of it is - an ex-bf had reached out to her and she got all weird and a couple of weeks after this eventually dumped me saying she cared about me a lot, but there was something "missing in our relationship". I have no idea if she ended up with this guy or what the deal is, but for me it created some huge uncertainties and a lot of self esteem issues - which I've attempted to correct and have to a certain extent, but that open ended "something missing" has certainly caused me to be hard on myself. I think I believe in the whole "closure comes from within" thing, and if I attempted to get a concrete answer I think would be an absolute disaster for me unless she's monumentally changed - which I doubt she has. I'm not really interested in a possibility of reopening that door and sending myself into more prolonged misery.
Author andrem11 Posted July 21, 2022 Author Posted July 21, 2022 54 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said: Where are you meeting these women?? Mostly on dating apps - or occasionally in person or through a friend. I've hit a limit a couple of times where I have deleted the apps before reinstalling them - I find they are really only successful for short term hookups or making you feel bad about yourself lol. This is also where I typically find the women who are "users".
Happy Lemming Posted July 21, 2022 Posted July 21, 2022 33 minutes ago, andrem11 said: This is also where I typically find the women who are "users". OK... so if that has been your experience, then focus on meeting women in "real life". Do you participate in any sports that are co-ed?? These new hobbies, are there any women also doing them?? Groups of participants that congregate?? You have to put yourself out there, purposely and talk to everyone. Just chit-chat about everything to everybody - you never know when you'll be talking to a woman and she'll smile and flirt with you. 1
Author andrem11 Posted July 21, 2022 Author Posted July 21, 2022 7 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said: OK... so if that has been your experience, then focus on meeting women in "real life". Do you participate in any sports that are co-ed?? These new hobbies, are there any women also doing them?? Groups of participants that congregate?? You have to put yourself out there, purposely and talk to everyone. Just chit-chat about everything to everybody - you never know when you'll be talking to a woman and she'll smile and flirt with you. I think that this is very solid advice - I currently have two obstacles standing in the way of this currently. My fresh start "city" is a place I'm absolutely in love with - I am surrounded by beautiful nature, it feels quite lively, and my rent is incredibly cheap for what I would be paying for the same apartment elsewhere. My standard of living is very good here. I am currently 1 hour away from a major population center (which complicates things certainly), and I am starting to come to terms with the fact that I may need to move back to a place I don't necessarily prefer as much in order to meet someone. I am not rural necessarily or even suburban, but the real life dating pool is small here. My second obstacle is my job. I work as an environmental consultant, and my skillset is highly specialized. I unfortunately travel a lot and have very long hours. I am also beginning to come to terms with the fact that I may need to find a new job if I want to get serious about dating - which is quite overwhelming because I will either have to take a significant pay cut or go back to school which are by no means small decisions. With regards to the new hobbies - I am a pretty introverted person and my hobbies are pretty introverted as well. Things like playing the guitar, cooking, etc. I have been making a concentrated effort to try and be more outgoing and social however - which has been successful thus far as far as friendships go.
Happy Lemming Posted July 21, 2022 Posted July 21, 2022 2 minutes ago, andrem11 said: Things like playing the guitar, cooking, etc. May I offer a couple of suggestions... (1) taking a cooking class where you could interact with others and (2) Open-mic night at venues where you could play your guitar. I do remember this small "Mom and Pop" bar/pub that invited local guitarists to play for the patrons. These musicians often took requests and chit-chatted with the patrons during breaks in the music. There was also a coffee shop that did something similar with acoustic guitarists. I know you said you were introverted, can I assume playing the guitar relaxes you enough to get past it?? Could you schedule your work so you could play at a venue or two?? And finally, would you want to take up a sport that would put you in contact with women. Many years ago, I used to run with a group and met some great people. I've also cycled with groups, as well. Also being introverted can vary in degrees of how difficult it is to be outgoing. The more practice you get at being outgoing & talking to women... the easier it is going to be.
glows Posted July 21, 2022 Posted July 21, 2022 1 hour ago, andrem11 said: If I'm being honest, I'm still not entirely sure. I've come up with a variety of possible reasons in my head. The jist of it is - an ex-bf had reached out to her and she got all weird and a couple of weeks after this eventually dumped me saying she cared about me a lot, but there was something "missing in our relationship". I have no idea if she ended up with this guy or what the deal is, but for me it created some huge uncertainties and a lot of self esteem issues - which I've attempted to correct and have to a certain extent, but that open ended "something missing" has certainly caused me to be hard on myself. I think I believe in the whole "closure comes from within" thing, and if I attempted to get a concrete answer I think would be an absolute disaster for me unless she's monumentally changed - which I doubt she has. I'm not really interested in a possibility of reopening that door and sending myself into more prolonged misery. You were incompatible then and she kept it vague likely so as not to hurt your feelings. 16 minutes ago, andrem11 said: My second obstacle is my job. I work as an environmental consultant, and my skillset is highly specialized. I unfortunately travel a lot and have very long hours. I am also beginning to come to terms with the fact that I may need to find a new job if I want to get serious about dating - which is quite overwhelming because I will either have to take a significant pay cut or go back to school which are by no means small decisions. Unless you find someone living a similar lifestyle, then, yes, the long hours are not something a potential partner wants to deal with. Are you happy with your field of work in the first place?
lonelyplanetmoon Posted July 25, 2022 Posted July 25, 2022 Remember that in life timing is everything. Have faith that the right girl will show up when you are ready. They often do. It does not seem like you are really ready for a serious relationship yet and so even if your diamond showed up, it won’t work due to timing and you not being ready. It does not sound like you have learned to love yourself yet. Because if you did you would be so happy and grateful for having such a great life and such good luck. Everything you say about your living and career sounds wonderful. “I still have yet to meet anyone who is available that compares to the way my ex made me feel.” Did you depend on her love to make you feel loved and wanted? This is a trap and never works because love that comes from external sources is never enough. It makes you thirsty for more. Keep working on self love and when you have learned to be self sustaining with self love, then the right person will show up because you will be able to give love instead of being focused on taking love.
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