What are we

[Daniella B]

I posted on here a month ago about a guy I met online who said he wasn’t looking for anything serious but was open to the idea if the right person came along (I’m looking for something serious and not FWB). I wanted to ask him after a few dates what his intentions were as I was unsure and didn’t want to waste either of our time. I decided against this and instead just went with the flow to see how things go.

A couple of weeks ago he bought me some presents for my birthday (by this point in time we’d known each other since April). The presents were very sweet and he even bought us both a pair of oodies to wear when we go on movie dates (which is a ‘couple’ thing to do am I right?). The biggest surprise was that he booked accommodation at a resort in another country- it was just reserved and not actually booked. Obviously I was taken aback and was also happy because to me going on a holiday is something serious, so I figured now would be a good time to have that chat with him.

I told him that if we were to go anywhere that he would have to meet my family as I can’t just up and leave to another country with someone they don’t know. His reaction wasn’t what I hoped for- he seemed shocked. Later in the night he said that he was a bit scared when I told him he would have to meet my family, and I said that I totally understand that but we don’t need to book anything for next month, what about early next year, does the thought of meeting my family by then and becoming serious still scare you? He didn’t really give me an answer, which raised some alarm bells for me, but he said that based on his previous experience (a long term relationship of 7yrs) it’s best to not commit to anything down the track because we don’t know what’s going to happen. He continued to say that he isn’t spending time with me to be fwb because it’s been 3 months and we haven’t had sex and that’s a long time for a guy to wait if that’s all they want. I agree with this and I know he isn’t using me for sex, because I’m not giving it to him and he knows that. We’ve also hung out at his place a few times at night and he hasn’t pressured me once, so I know he’s genuine for sure, but he just can’t seem to verbalise his long-term intentions to me.

We messaged a couple days later and he said that he doesn’t want to jump into anything serious yet but wants to take it slow and that meeting family is a big deal for him.

He bought me my favourite flower on our second date, he kissed me for the first time on our 4th date, he bought me presents for my birthday, messages me every day, uses the words ‘date night’ and gives me other signs that he wants something serious to happen in the future, but can’t seem to tell me that. Am I just believing what I want to be true? Am I wasting my time?  Should I wait for him? Should I give him an ultimatum? HELP!

We’re seeing each other this weekend and will talk about this in person but I’m really scared that I won’t hear what I want to hear or that he won’t make anything clearer and ill Be just as confused as I am now. 

Edited July 20, 2022 by Daniella B

[stillafool]

I'd say you guys are casually dating right now so that is why he doesn't want to meet your parents yet.  He hasn't had sex with you so he is not sure he wants to commit until he fiinds out if you two are sexually compatible and maybe not then.  If you are going to leave the country with him make sure to take his picture and give it to your parents.  How old are you?

[Daniella B]

40 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I'd say you guys are casually dating right now so that is why he doesn't want to meet your parents yet.  He hasn't had sex with you so he is not sure he wants to commit until he fiinds out if you two are sexually compatible and maybe not then.  If you are going to leave the country with him make sure to take his picture and give it to your parents.  How old are you?

Thank you for your comment.

That’s understandable as I wouldn’t want him to meet my family unless we were serious, which I hope we will be in the future but I can’t tell if he wants that or not. 
 

I’m not going on holiday with him so it’s okay. But it’s just brought up questions about where things are heading with us. I’m 23.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Daniella B said:

I’m not going on holiday with him so it’s okay. But it’s just brought up questions about where things are heading with us. I’m 23.

It's going well, he seems to like you. However he already told you he's "not looking for anything serious".:

 

[poppyfields]

2 hours ago, Daniella B said:

but he said that based on his previous experience (a long term relationship of 7yrs) it’s best to not commit to anything down the track because we don’t know what’s going to happen. 

No one ever knows what's going to happen.  There are never any guarantees, in LTRs, even marriage, so that's a poor excuse.

Anyway, my read on this^ is his 7-year relationship had a profound affect on him, it did not end well, and he is now afraid to commit again.

Knowing men as I do (I have 5 brothers, talking with men in my support group and my own boyfriends over the years), they take breakups much harder than women do, it takes longer to recover and sometimes they never really do. 

These men will never commit, not without some sort of professional help. Even one toxic relationship can damage them to the point of never wanting to commit ever again. 

The fact he's not pushing for sexual intimacy after three months is telling. 

Sexual intimacy in a dating situation like this brings a couple closer emotionally with the next step being committment.

This is how some men who fear commitment see it, so they avoid sex with women they care about and limit their sexual experiences to casual hookups and ONS with women they don't care about.

Are you dating each other exclusively?  I wouldn't think so but that's just a guess.

If commitment is what you want, I would look elsewhere. 

I'm sorry.

Edited July 20, 2022 by poppyfields

[flitzanu]

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's going well, he seems to like you. However he already told you he's "not looking for anything serious".:

 

this.  he told you upfront that he wasn't looking for anything serious, and you continued to date him, and now you want him to be serious and he's telling you yet again that he isn't wanting something serious and can't commit to you.

he told you, and you chose to date him, you can't force him to change when he doesn't want to have a real relationship with you

[glows]

7 hours ago, Daniella B said:

I posted on here a month ago about a guy I met online who said he wasn’t looking for anything serious but was open to the idea if the right person came along (I’m looking for something serious and not FWB). I wanted to ask him after a few dates what his intentions were as I was unsure and didn’t want to waste either of our time. I decided against this and instead just went with the flow to see how things go.

A couple of weeks ago he bought me some presents for my birthday (by this point in time we’d known each other since April). The presents were very sweet and he even bought us both a pair of oodies to wear when we go on movie dates (which is a ‘couple’ thing to do am I right?). The biggest surprise was that he booked accommodation at a resort in another country- it was just reserved and not actually booked. Obviously I was taken aback and was also happy because to me going on a holiday is something serious, so I figured now would be a good time to have that chat with him.

I told him that if we were to go anywhere that he would have to meet my family as I can’t just up and leave to another country with someone they don’t know. His reaction wasn’t what I hoped for- he seemed shocked. Later in the night he said that he was a bit scared when I told him he would have to meet my family, and I said that I totally understand that but we don’t need to book anything for next month, what about early next year, does the thought of meeting my family by then and becoming serious still scare you? He didn’t really give me an answer, which raised some alarm bells for me, but he said that based on his previous experience (a long term relationship of 7yrs) it’s best to not commit to anything down the track because we don’t know what’s going to happen. He continued to say that he isn’t spending time with me to be fwb because it’s been 3 months and we haven’t had sex and that’s a long time for a guy to wait if that’s all they want. I agree with this and I know he isn’t using me for sex, because I’m not giving it to him and he knows that. We’ve also hung out at his place a few times at night and he hasn’t pressured me once, so I know he’s genuine for sure, but he just can’t seem to verbalise his long-term intentions to me.

We messaged a couple days later and he said that he doesn’t want to jump into anything serious yet but wants to take it slow and that meeting family is a big deal for him.

He bought me my favourite flower on our second date, he kissed me for the first time on our 4th date, he bought me presents for my birthday, messages me every day, uses the words ‘date night’ and gives me other signs that he wants something serious to happen in the future, but can’t seem to tell me that. Am I just believing what I want to be true? Am I wasting my time?  Should I wait for him? Should I give him an ultimatum? HELP!

We’re seeing each other this weekend and will talk about this in person but I’m really scared that I won’t hear what I want to hear or that he won’t make anything clearer and ill Be just as confused as I am now. 

I'd say you've already issued an ultimatum in his eyes as meeting your family is a big deal to him (maybe for him indicating further commitment) and you're both restricted to dating locally, not going on any trips and vacations together until he meets your family. That's quite a bit of pressure there.

While I don't think that's an unreasonable request in general, his reaction says it all. He's not ready to meet your family. At three months a person usually knows whether the other person is someone they'd like to keep seeing or date a bit more seriously.

Take any overseas trips off the list and date each other without any confusion of being "coupley". I'm guessing you mean hoodies at the theatre. It doesn't sound like a coupley thing to me. I've never heard of such a thing before. It just sounds like a thing he thought was great to do and the person to do it with is you. Unfortunately it does seem like you're looking for breadcrumbs, trying to search for proof that he has deeper feelings for you. 

You've already mentioned what you need and if he can't or doesn't want the same things you'll have to let him go. At some point seeing each other becomes less and less enjoyable than maintaining any sort of relationship even if it's casual. He might not want what you want and may never budge on that. When are you going to completely lose interest?

[Maldives]

10 hours ago, Daniella B said:

I posted on here a month ago about a guy I met online who said he wasn’t looking for anything serious but was open to the idea if the right person came along (I’m looking for something serious and not FWB). I wanted to ask him after a few dates what his intentions were as I was unsure and didn’t want to waste either of our time. I decided against this and instead just went with the flow to see how things go.

A couple of weeks ago he bought me some presents for my birthday (by this point in time we’d known each other since April). The presents were very sweet and he even bought us both a pair of oodies to wear when we go on movie dates (which is a ‘couple’ thing to do am I right?). The biggest surprise was that he booked accommodation at a resort in another country- it was just reserved and not actually booked. Obviously I was taken aback and was also happy because to me going on a holiday is something serious, so I figured now would be a good time to have that chat with him.

I told him that if we were to go anywhere that he would have to meet my family as I can’t just up and leave to another country with someone they don’t know. His reaction wasn’t what I hoped for- he seemed shocked. Later in the night he said that he was a bit scared when I told him he would have to meet my family, and I said that I totally understand that but we don’t need to book anything for next month, what about early next year, does the thought of meeting my family by then and becoming serious still scare you? He didn’t really give me an answer, which raised some alarm bells for me, but he said that based on his previous experience (a long term relationship of 7yrs) it’s best to not commit to anything down the track because we don’t know what’s going to happen. He continued to say that he isn’t spending time with me to be fwb because it’s been 3 months and we haven’t had sex and that’s a long time for a guy to wait if that’s all they want. I agree with this and I know he isn’t using me for sex, because I’m not giving it to him and he knows that. We’ve also hung out at his place a few times at night and he hasn’t pressured me once, so I know he’s genuine for sure, but he just can’t seem to verbalise his long-term intentions to me.

We messaged a couple days later and he said that he doesn’t want to jump into anything serious yet but wants to take it slow and that meeting family is a big deal for him.

He bought me my favourite flower on our second date, he kissed me for the first time on our 4th date, he bought me presents for my birthday, messages me every day, uses the words ‘date night’ and gives me other signs that he wants something serious to happen in the future, but can’t seem to tell me that. Am I just believing what I want to be true? Am I wasting my time?  Should I wait for him? Should I give him an ultimatum? HELP!

We’re seeing each other this weekend and will talk about this in person but I’m really scared that I won’t hear what I want to hear or that he won’t make anything clearer and ill Be just as confused as I am now. 

I'm not trying to generalise here but men generally (no punt intended) go with the flow. Trying to verbalise the flow is tricky when cruise control is on. My guess is he doesn't discuss it because it puts the pressure of commitment on him. Me personally I think he will reach that point at some stage but for women not having commitment verbalized can leave them questioning the relationship. All I can  suggest is appreciate each other's differences. I'm sure he'll let you know when he's ready for the next step. The fact he's taking those little steps like booking trips, is a commitment in his head. Having said that he has mentioned that he's not looking for anything serious at this stage. Maybe that's just a deflection from getting close to someone who knows 3 months in and he's mentioned it again. I guess the balls in your court really whether you want to continue at this pace

Edited July 20, 2022 by Goodguy05

[stillafool]

10 hours ago, Daniella B said:

when I told him he would have to meet my family, and I said that I totally understand that but we don’t need to book anything for next month, what about early next year, does the thought of meeting my family by then and becoming serious still scare you? He didn’t really give me an answer, which raised some alarm bells for me, but he said that based on his previous experience (a long term relationship of 7yrs) it’s best to not commit to anything down the track because we don’t know what’s going to happen.

You can't expect him to know how he is going to feel by early next year.   He's probably still healing from his last relationship so be careful.

[Maldives]

8 hours ago, poppyfields said:

No one ever knows what's going to happen.  There are never any guarantees, in LTRs, even marriage, so that's a poor excuse.

Anyway, my read on this^ is his 7-year relationship had a profound affect on him, it did not end well, and he is now afraid to commit again.

Knowing men as I do (I have 5 brothers, talking with men in my support group and my own boyfriends over the years), they take breakups much harder than women do, it takes longer to recover and sometimes they never really do. 

These men will never commit, not without some sort of professional help. Even one toxic relationship can damage them to the point of never wanting to commit ever again. 

The fact he's not pushing for sexual intimacy after three months is telling. 

Sexual intimacy in a dating situation like this brings a couple closer emotionally with the next step being committment.

This is how some men who fear commitment see it, so they avoid sex with women they care about and limit their sexual experiences to casual hookups and ONS with women they don't care about.

Are you dating each other exclusively?  I wouldn't think so but that's just a guess.

If commitment is what you want, I would look elsewhere. 

I'm sorry.

That's spot on I agree whole heartedly with the above that's been my experience. We lose belief in relationships and love.

[divegrl]

So I think in the other thread; I said just ask him. But another poster said he will just respond the same thing which is that he does not know what he wants. 
 

I agree that if you talk to him again this weekend he will be still unsure. He obviously likes you, but is not ready for anything serious. 
 

I guess 3 months is not that long…. Really. If he is someone you really like. I would just have a hard date on when you need a commitment from him… 6 months, a year? 
 

I’ve seen this go both ways… from happily ever after to getting really hurt and vowing to never be the chill girl again. 
 

IMO you are betraying yourself by continuing to date a man whose relationship goals do not line up with yours. Wishing you the best!

[Daniella B]

6 hours ago, flitzanu said:

this.  he told you upfront that he wasn't looking for anything serious, and you continued to date him, and now you want him to be serious and he's telling you yet again that he isn't wanting something serious and can't commit to you.

he told you, and you chose to date him, you can't force him to change when he doesn't want to have a real relationship with you

I do agree with this but why im confused is because he says he doesn’t want to rush into anything serious yet but he also doesn’t want a casual fling. So what is it then?

[Daniella B]

1 hour ago, divegrl said:

So I think in the other thread; I said just ask him. But another poster said he will just respond the same thing which is that he does not know what he wants. 
 

I agree that if you talk to him again this weekend he will be still unsure. He obviously likes you, but is not ready for anything serious. 
 

I guess 3 months is not that long…. Really. If he is someone you really like. I would just have a hard date on when you need a commitment from him… 6 months, a year? 
 

I’ve seen this go both ways… from happily ever after to getting really hurt and vowing to never be the chill girl again. 
 

IMO you are betraying yourself by continuing to date a man whose relationship goals do not line up with yours. Wishing you the best!

Thank you for taking the time to comment.

im willing to wait for him (a few months like you said) until he’s ready to become serious if time is what he needs. I may just tell him this straight up and see what he says. 

[poppyfields]

14 minutes ago, Daniella B said:

I do agree with this but why im confused is because he says he doesn’t want to rush into anything serious yet but he also doesn’t want a casual fling. So what is it then?

He is conflicted which is pretty standard among men (and some women) who fear commitment.

Not sure if you read my previous post, but (1) I asked if you were exclusive and (2) the fact he's not wanting sexual intimacy with you after three MONTHS is quite telling.

I will reiterate what I posted in previous and say this is also standard among men who wish to avoid commitment.

In their conflicted brains, sexual intimacy with a woman they care about (in this case you) = commitment.

So by avoiding sex with YOU, they avoid commitment.  It makes perfect sense in a convoluted sort of way.

I asked if you were exclusive because as a man, he's getting sex somewhere.  Mostly likely from women he doesn't care about, therefore no threat of commitment.

You can hang out and give it more time, but I can almost guarantee this is NOT going anywhere and his conflicted mixed and double messages may end up driving you crazy, in some cases literally.

I have a friend who "hung in there" with her commitment-avoidant boyfriend for seven years.  One day he left for good, never returned and she had a breakdown shortly thereafter and hasn't been the same since.

If you were smart, you would cut your losses, assuming commitment is what you want.  You're not going to get it from him, I'm sorry.

Edited July 21, 2022 by poppyfields

[Daniella B]

2 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

He is conflicted which is pretty standard among men (and some women) who fear commitment.

Not sure if you read my post, but (1) I asked if you were exclusive and (2) the fact he's not wanting sexual intimacy with you after three MONTHS is quite telling.

I will reiterate what I posted in previous and say this is also standard among men who wish to avoid commitment.

In their conflicted brains, sexual intimacy with a woman they care about (in this case you) = commitment.

So by avoiding sex, they avoid commitment.

I asked if you were exclusive because as a man, he's getting sex somewhere.  Mostly likely from women he doesn't care about, therefore no threat of commitment.

You can hang out and give it more time, but I can almost guaranty this is NOT going anywhere and his conflicted mixed and double messages may end up driving you crazy, in some cases literally.

I have a friend who "hung in there" with her commitment-avoidant boyfriend for seven years.  One day he left for good, never returned and she had a breakdown shortly thereafter and hasn't been the same since.

If you were smart, you would cut your losses, assuming commitment is what you want.  You're not going to get it from him, I'm sorry.

Thank you for your comment I did see your previous post and thought I replied to it but I must not have!

I’m not 100% that we’re exclusive. I know I’m definitely not seeing anyone else and I’m almost certain that’s the case for him too. I also noticed a few weeks ago that he deleted his dating profile.

as for sexual intimacy, we haven’t had sex but we have done things. We’ve also had the talk about sex and let’s just say that he is willing to but I’m the one putting a pause on it. 

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, Daniella B said:

I’m not 100% that we’re exclusive. I know I’m definitely not seeing anyone else and I’m almost certain that’s the case for him too. I also noticed a few weeks ago that he deleted his dating profile.

There is a disconnect in communication here if after three months you don't even know if he's dating other women. 

He sounds like "right here, right now"-guy, who is not thinking long-term. The reasons behind that aren't terribly important. What is important is that he is not taking this as seriously as you are. To him, going on holiday isn't a sign of bigger commitment. It's some fun with a woman he likes. Hence why meeting your family first rattles him. That''s more involved than he wants at this stage. 

How old is he? 

 

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, Daniella B said:

 he doesn’t want to rush into anything serious yet but he also doesn’t want a casual fling. 

It's a casual fling candy coated with double talk. Actually you are asking for a crystal ball. You want him to pre- guarantee things then guarantee things.

It's seems that both of you are not ready for a relationship.

He's on the rebound and you are so very heavily guarded not to take any risks or invest any time to even get to know each other.