My bf (30m) called me (25f) useless for the first time and I actually feel useless

[Demi]

My boyfriend (30m) called me (25f) useless and stupid while drunk

I got in the worst fight with bf of 3 years and I don’t know what to do. We can’t seem to see eye to eye when it comes to money. I had a job when I first met my bf but with covid I had to quit my customer service oriented job. I found a part time gig at home but it doesn’t pay a lot. 

My bf pays for everything in living expense 75% of the time and I understand that he works hard too. He’s a lot older than me and has been at his job for 7 years, been promoted 3 times and I just graduated last year. Obviously don’t make that much. Anyway, my bf recently got super drunk and yelled at me (something he doesn’t do), when I was supposed to call us a cab home but I didn’t have enough in my account to cover the fare. He didn’t bring enough cash out that night (he doesn’t like to carry credit cards or wallet cuz he’s gotten mugged before), and he had like $29 left. It was a busy night and the surcharge was $145, yes you read that right.. $145 due to gas and inflation. 

My bf got frustrated when he found out that my account doesn’t have enough to pay the tab. After groceries, bills, etc. that week i was left with like $70. I usually never reveal that I’m paycheck to paycheck cuz he never asked, but i never made it a point to be like “yea… im broke this week”. I asked him if he could pay me back if I just accepted the overdraft fee i’ll get hit with if i charged my card. 

Anyway, he got out of the cab and yelled at me for being useless, broke, etc. That I’m an embarrassment to him, that since he pays for a lot of things I should be able to afford the cab. I felt ashamed obviously, mad, and didn’t know this was such a big deal. He yelled at me some more that it was offensive that I was only with him for money and that i had to ask him to cover my overdraft. 

Again, this guy is 30 grown man. He woke up next day denying he meant any of it. Should i get a second job just to avoid all this? 

Edited July 18, 2022 by Demi
Info

[ShyViolet]

You say the yelling at you is "something he doesn't do".  So if it was the first time he's ever done it, I would have a serious talk with him and tell him how it made you feel, that it's unacceptable and that he better never yell at you like that again.  If it happens again, you should seriously consider breaking up with him.  No man is worth being treated like that.

[ExpatInItaly]

Yikes. 

I can understand that he is frustrated about paying the lion's share. But he handled his anger in the worst way, and that's unacceptable. He needs to realize that, and apologize for being an absolute jerk about it. If he is unwilling, you need to rethink this relationship. 

Now, the question of money - yes, you need to start looking for another job. Either another part-time position, or a higher-paying full-time job. You need to do so because it is always better that you can look after yourself financially, and know that you have your own safety net. This will be particularly important if you two break up, and you no longer have his income to support most of your living expenses. Have you two ever properly talked about finances, and who would be responsible for which expenses? It doesn't sound like it, really. And that is another problem in and of itself. 

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Demi said:

My boyfriend (30m) called me (25f) useless and stupid while drunk

.He yelled at me some more that it was offensive that I was only with him for money and that i had to ask him to cover my overdraft.  

How long have you lived together?  Don't tolerate verbal abuse for free room and board. Move back home until you get on your feet.

[bene]

I think it’s been bothering him for a while and he just blurted it out being drunk. It’s not an excuse to be rude of course. You should have a rational discussion about your finances.

By the way 145$ for a taxi sounds insane to me. I’d never pay as much unless it was a total emergency. Is this price level normal where you live?

Edited July 18, 2022 by bene

[FMW]

There is no excuse for him being verbally abusive to you.  I think you need to have further conversation with him about what happened.  Being drunk and saying he didn't mean it doesn't cut it.  

I agree with @bene, it's something that's been on his mind for a while. Finances are something you should have discussed prior to ever moving in together, including the fact that you are "broke" most of the time.  If you are living together you should be at a point where you feel comfortable being open and honest.

For your own good, as @ExpatInItaly noted, yes, you need to look for a better job or additional job(s).  Job availability and jobs themselves are different than pre-COVID.  Time to make a plan, or new plan, for your future, don't just coast.  

[Alvi]

14 hours ago, Demi said:

Anyway, he got out of the cab and yelled at me for being useless, broke, etc. That I’m an embarrassment to him, that since he pays for a lot of things I should be able to afford the cab. I felt ashamed obviously, mad, and didn’t know this was such a big deal. He yelled at me some more that it was offensive that I was only with him for money and that i had to ask him to cover my overdraft. 

How horrible! He is a terrible human being. I don't care that you are broke or anything. He has no right to talk this way to his girlfriend. Or yell at you either. Don't feel ashamed, dump this guy. Be very glad that you don't have kids with him. Otherwise you would be stuck with this abusive person for the rest of your life. Please, do yourself a huge favor and leave him. This is not a healthy relationship at all. Hope you can see that.

14 hours ago, Demi said:

He woke up next day denying he meant any of it.

Yeah, how convenient. Does he have a drinking problem on top of being verbally abusive.

14 hours ago, Demi said:

After groceries, bills, etc. that week i was left with like $70. I usually never reveal that I’m paycheck to paycheck cuz he never asked, but i never made it a point to be like “yea… im broke this week”.

Why didn't you discuss it with him? Then this is something that he needs to know if the two of you live together.  He probably knows what your financial situation is like. How can he not see it if you are only working part-time? Unless, he is too self-absorbed and doesn't care about you at all.

14 hours ago, Demi said:

Should i get a second job just to avoid all this? 

Yes, Demi. You do need to either get a second job or a better paying job. But not because you want to please this guy or to make him see you in a new light. You need to start earning more money for yourself in order to improve your financial situation. The things with this guy are probably not going to work out in a long run and you need a financial support net to take care of yourself.  Luckily, there are many jobs available right now. So go for it!

[CLS63AMG]

When I was 30 I had a 24 yr old GF that didnt work and never had any money, yeah, it sucks after awhile paying double for literally everything.  You dont need a second job, you just need a better job.  Lots of places hiring right now, you can land a higher level position than before covid, go for it.