Still hoping to find a FWB

July 18, 2022

16 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I am wondering how this will go if he goes mostly silent when you're away. Or doesn't follow through in September.

I think there is a good chance of this. It's unlikely that a guy on a sex hookup site is going to wait ~6 weeks for his next hookup.

5 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Again, it's NOT dating where the guy calls after a date; you can't "scare" away FWB because there are no feelings or anything else for him to be scared of.

I think guys can sense when a woman is saying "fwb" but actually wants "bf" and this is what can scare them off.

July 18, 2022

11 hours ago, stillafool said:

So it was the first guy who you had the bad experience that texted you yesterday with or another one?

No, this was the last guy, which I met on Friday. The first guy I will never hear from again, I'm quite sure of that.

July 18, 2022

12 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Then I would work on how you are going to manage this if it happens again. Your self-esteem seems quite fragile so you would be wise to come up with a plan for yourself in the event that he (or some other guy) leaves you on unread.

Because while he might have agreed that meeting up in September would be fine, you currently have no idea if he will follow through. This is a man you have met only once so it's too soon to know what sort of character he is. Be prepared for any outcome, is my point.

Yes, thank you, I am prepared for the possibility that in September I won't hear from him. If that happens, I don't think it will be a big deal, this guy was nice but it's not like with the first one, where I was blown away and became infatuated for a few days.

My main anxiety with this last one was repeating the same pattern as the first, where everything seemed to be going fine, then from 100 to 0, no contact ever again. I was a bit traumatised by the experience and that's where my insecurities with this one stemmed from.

July 18, 2022

11 hours ago, stillafool said:

So he confirmed you are his FWB and he won't be having sex with anyone but you?

No, there is no expectation to be exclusive, just that we will see each other in September and/or tell each other when we want to stop.

By the way, I had told him on Friday about my experience with the first guy and he thought it was a shitty thing what he did to me.

July 18, 2022

6 hours ago, Girl_about_town said:

Thanks as always for your advice, Wiseman, but I really don't want a boyfriend right now nor dating. I don't need the guys on these apps to care about me particularly, except as a human being. I don't expect boyfriend behaviour, but I appreciate some courtesy and politeness. I put in my profile that I expect honesty and respect. Any men who don't respect me or I suspect are dishonest are out. I don't think having a FWB has to mean having no respect for the other person. Some guys may be like that, but not all.

A successful casual sex arrangement needs a personality which is strong and independent. Someone who can look after their own emotional needs.

In the absence of you mentioning a treacherous walk to the car or drive home, he's simply treating you as if you're completely capable of looking after yourself. If you want more than this, you need a boyfriend. Specifically a boyfriend who likes to treat you as if you need assistance with life.

July 18, 2022

6 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

Why not?

I went into it in my other thread but I'll repeat it here. Without giving too many details about my life, what I can say is that I have repressed my sexuality my whole life (due to my upbringing, fears, unfulfilling long term relationship...) and I have reached a stage where I want to free myself and explore. I have people who care about me and whom I care about and I don't need a boyfriend right now, I just want to explore with a few different guys, but I quickly discovered (see past threads) that I don't want a string of ONS or to become very promiscuos. So now I am searching for a couple of FWBs with some nice guys. Guys whom I wouldn't want to date or with whom I am not compatible long term, but who are decent, respectful and good in bed

And I know that many people who read this will judge me negatively for wanting to explore, unfortunately there's still a double standard where it's ok for men to do it but women shouldn't. I used to think that too but I have changed my mind and I have to say, I am really enjoying it (aside from the traumatic first experience and the resulting residual anxiety with this last guy)

Ok, I'll say it! I wasn't going to because I already feel the judgment but I met another guy today and it was wonderful. He was very handsome, respectful, very good in bed, and we talked a lot, then before I left he said a couple of times he wants to see me again. It may or may not happen but that is all I needed to hear.

July 18, 2022

28 minutes ago, Girl_about_town said:

By the way, I had told him on Friday about my experience with the first guy and he thought it was a shitty thing what he did to me.

He said that it was a shitty thing to do. This doesn't necessarily mean that he thought it. When someone is grumbling about something, it's mostly better to agree with them even if we think they are overreacting. I did it just the other day with a BFF who was distressed about something which I privately thought was an overreaction.

But here, you will get honesty

Edited July 18, 2022 by basil67

July 18, 2022

4 hours ago, Allupinnit said:

What is the problem then, OP? Sounds like everyone is getting their itch scratched.

You're right, there is no problem anymore! I was just reliving my previous traumatic experience until this last guy replied to me. Now that I know that not all guys will ghost me I am fine

July 18, 2022

2 minutes ago, Girl_about_town said:

And I know that many people who read this will judge me negatively for wanting to explore, unfortunately there's still a double standard where it's ok for men to do it but women shouldn't. I used to think that too but I have changed my mind and I have to say, I am really enjoying it (aside from the traumatic first experience and the resulting residual anxiety with this last guy)

Nobody here is judging you for wanting a FWB. Rather, they are wanting to help you manage your expectations and help you avoid getting hurt more than you have been already.

July 18, 2022

5 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Nobody here is judging you for wanting a FWB. Rather, they are wanting to help you manage your expectations and help you avoid getting hurt more than you have been already.

Thank you for that. It's not one FWB that I want, but a couple tough!

Edited July 18, 2022 by Girl_about_town

July 18, 2022

Cool. Keep your expectations low and have fun

July 19, 2022

6 hours ago, Girl_about_town said:

My main anxiety with this last one was repeating the same pattern as the first, where everything seemed to be going fine, then from 100 to 0, no contact ever again. I was a bit traumatised by the experience and that's where my insecurities with this one stemmed from.

But that's part of the problem.

Your self-esteem seems rather fragile, and you got wrapped up with the first guy way too fast. It was one night, yeah? Way too soon to have any idea if you're into each other, if everything is fine, and so on. When you're on these kinds of apps, you would be best to expect that anyone may bail and ghost you at any time. You need to be ready for that, because the majority of men on there aren't there to manage your feelings (or really care much about them) If you can't handle the thought, you should not be using this sort of approach to find a FWB.

6 hours ago, Girl_about_town said:

I had told him on Friday about my experience with the first guy

In the future, don't bring this up. It's generally a turn-off for a guy to hear about your previous sexual dalliances. Simply state your own needs without talking about some other dude who wronged you.

July 19, 2022

10 hours ago, Girl_about_town said:

I have repressed my sexuality my whole life due to unfulfilling long term relationship

Are you still married?

July 19, 2022

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Are you still married?

I don’t appreciate having to reveal too many details about my life, but for the purpose of avoiding any negative suspicions, I'll say that the divorce has been filed but not finalised. It takes time.

Edited July 19, 2022 by Girl_about_town

July 19, 2022

On 7/17/2022 at 4:58 PM, poppyfields said:

OP, remember you're not really "friends" yet, you had one sexual hook up.

IF you truly want NSA, sex only arrangement, I'm not understanding why you can't call him? What's preventing you from doing that?

This is not dating where the man calls, initiates and pursues and as I said in previous, he may not want to mislead you by doing so.

There are women who, when a man calls, initiates and pursues her after a hookup, even when it's established its only FWB, would be wondering "does he like me more than FWB"? "What does he really want"? "What does it mean"?

The lines can get muddled.

This is why and how people particularly women end up developing feelings for their FWBs.

When for him, it was just about the sex the entire time!

Your guy may have experienced that before, he also may have sensed your inexperience and suspects you're a woman likely to get attached.

In fact, I am wondering this myself, what it is YOU truly want?

It really does sound like FWB is not want you want at all, you want to date a man, have him pursue you, inituate, have great sex, but no formal type of exclusive serious "relationship".

I think you are afraid of getting hurt and your thought process is by keeping it all light and casual, he won't get bored and dump you.

I used to feel this way too for many years, so perhaps I'm projecting but with one of my ex's, our relationship was like this and the man chased me for six years!

Don't ask me how we pulled that off, we were living together, and even got engaged!

But that was our dynamic. I held back, and he chased! He enjoyed that role, it kept everything fresh and exciting for six years.

Problem was it was a game, disingenuous and lacked true intimacy and honesty.

It took me several years after that relationship to find a man who doesn't play that game and I feel safe being my loving, giving self.

And we are getting married next month.

My advice is start being real with yourself and emotionally honest.

There are good men out there who don't play games, don't get bored and who are able to commit.

Anyway, after thinking this through, IF you truly want NSA sex only, give him a call.

As @Happy Lemmingsaid, he may love to hear from you and more than happy to see and have sex with you again

He simply doesn't want to mislead you into thinking it's more than what it, like dating.

Thank you for this again, Poppyfields, I missed replying to it at the time because I was getting so many posts.

And congrats on getting married soon!

July 19, 2022

@Girl_about_town I don't know if this is relevant to your situation, but I do remember this one FWB telling me our situation made her feel "pretty".

She'd call or text me... and my answer was always "yes"!! I'd fly over there on my sportbike and be in front of her in no time. She said I'd always be smiling as she answered the door and my eyes would light up every time she dropped her robe or undressed.

This was the woman that had her own business and would travel A LOT. Again, she didn't have time to devote to a "dating" relationship, but our FWB relationship worked for both of us (at that time).

July 19, 2022

31 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

@Girl_about_town I don't know if this is relevant to your situation, but I do remember this one FWB telling me our situation made her feel "pretty".

She'd call or text me... and my answer was always "yes"!! I'd fly over there on my sportbike and be in front of her in no time. She said I'd always be smiling as she answered the door and my eyes would light up every time she dropped her robe or undressed.

This was the woman that had her own business and would travel A LOT. Again, she didn't have time to devote to a "dating" relationship, but our FWB relationship worked for both of us (at that time).

Well, of course it feels great to feel desired by these men. Even though I have found them in an app, they are men that I have researched online and I feel attracted to, and I am lucky that I have been able to be very selective. These are not just random desperate guys who would sleep with anyone. So it does boost my confidence somewhat.

I don't need them to make me feel pretty, however. I am currently secure with my physical appearance (for the most part, of course we all have our little insecurities) but it does feel nice when they give me compliments.

Edited July 19, 2022 by Girl_about_town

July 19, 2022

1 hour ago, Girl_about_town said:

I'll say that the divorce has been filed but not finalised.

Then it makes sense that you do not want a dating situation, especially if you are still living together.

July 19, 2022

7 hours ago, Girl_about_town said:

Well, of course it feels great to feel desired by these men. Even though I have found them in an app, they are men that I have researched online and I feel attracted to, and I am lucky that I have been able to be very selective. These are not just random desperate guys who would sleep with anyone. So it does boost my confidence somewhat.

I don't need them to make me feel pretty, however. I am currently secure with my physical appearance (for the most part, of course we all have our little insecurities) but it does feel nice when they give me compliments.

Never mind.

Edited July 19, 2022 by Allupinnit

July 19, 2022

23 hours ago, Girl_about_town said:

I have people who care about me and whom I care about and I don't need a boyfriend right now, I just want to explore with a few different guys, but I quickly discovered (see past threads) that I don't want a string of ONS or to become very promiscuos. So now I am searching for a couple of FWBs with some nice guys. Guys whom I wouldn't want to date or with whom I am not compatible long term, but who are decent, respectful and good in bed

Yes we know and that is why we don't understand why you are on a hook up site looking for a FWB. You can find a FWB on a dating site and they will also give you sex. Just because these men are on a hook up site doesn't mean they are good in bed but probably most are the opposite. They could be there because they struggle sexually with women, the only place they can get sex, weird sexual habits, or looking for what the site is all about which is wham, bam, thank you mam with no follow up.

9 hours ago, Girl_about_town said:

I don’t appreciate having to reveal too many details about my life, but for the purpose of avoiding any negative suspicions, I'll say that the divorce has been filed but not finalised. It takes time.

Okay this adds another twist to the story. I was thinking you were a young girl with little to no experience sexually. Now I see you are a grown, married woman I change my mind. You know exactly what you're doing and what you're looking for and why, so good luck finding it.

23 hours ago, Girl_about_town said:

unfortunately there's still a double standard where it's ok for men to do it but women shouldn't. I used to think that too but I have changed my mind and I have to say, I am really enjoying it (aside from the traumatic first experience and the resulting residual anxiety with this last guy)

Not really. Men are judged harshly for this kind of behavior too because most women don't want to be involved with a man who sleeps around with multiple partners. I'm sure you've heard the names they are called for this.

July 19, 2022

7 hours ago, Girl_about_town said:

Even though I have found them in an app, they are men that I have researched online and I feel attracted to, and I am lucky that I have been able to be very selective. These are not just random desperate guys who would sleep with anyone. So it does boost my confidence somewhat.

Hon, there's nothing here which should boost your confidence. The fact that they may be employed/educated/attractive/whatever doesn't preclude them from enjoying all kinds of sex with strangers from the internet or random people they meet on nights out. Sure, they may tell you that they aren't doing it, but it doesn't make it true. Fact is, all it means is that they find you attractive enough to have sex with....and this is generally not a very high bar.

To be clear, have fun all you like - but don't base your confidence levels on the behaviour of randoms from the internet who would probably poke any girl who's half decent looking.

July 19, 2022

Is your husband aware that you have filed for divorce?

I'm not accusing you of anything.

It just seems like an awful lot of fuss to go through.

Maybe it bothers you if he were to know you're seeking this type of arrangement?

Edited July 19, 2022 by Alpacalia

July 20, 2022

2 hours ago, basil67 said:

Fact is, all it means is that they find you attractive enough to have sex with....and this is generally not a very high bar.

Yup. Lots of studies showing that men will have casual sex with women considerably less attractive than themselves whereas if a woman’s going to have casual sex generally it only be with men that are more attractive than themselves.

July 20, 2022

How long have you been single, OP? Are you and your ex still under the same roof?

Having casual sex is fine but it doesn't seem you're emotionally ready for it. Maybe more healing needs to take place first so that you don't become attached too quickly and don't feel traumatized if they ghost you.

Edited July 20, 2022 by ExpatInItaly

July 20, 2022

On 7/16/2022 at 2:38 PM, Girl_about_town said:

I am going away this week and won't be back till September.

It depends. Are you going to be with family? On holiday? With your estranged husband?

It's understandable you don't want dating if you are not ready. Unavailable people choose other unavailable people.

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