Still hoping to find a FWB

[stillafool]

5 hours ago, Happy Lemming said:

I never used an app.  I found my FWB's organically (real life encounters/situations).  One was someone where we both participated in the same sport.  One was kind of a quasi-business associate.  Another was a friend of a friend type of deal and so on and so forth.

Your FWB situations sound more like what a person would expect and I see that you never used an app.  It's more organic to meet in person.  That makes the difference, but even with an app, if it's one where people just want sex they aren't looking for FWBs so that is why everyone is questioning why she's on that type of app.  What we are not taking into consideration is OP is obviously there also for quick sex; but to make friends to stay in touch with and still keep the sex on the table. 

[stillafool]

OP, when will you be back from your vacation and did you give him the date so he can follow up?

[ExpatInItaly]

6 hours ago, Girl_about_town said:

When I am back I will keep my expectations low as you recommend, and I don't expect a loving relationship at all.

Good idea. 

What if you don't hear from him much while you are gone? Are you still going to be alright having a hook-up when you're back? I ask because you seem to need a lot of reassurance, so I am wondering how this will go if he goes mostly silent when you're away. Or doesn't follow through in September. 

[Girl_about_town]

3 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Good idea. 

What if you don't hear from him much while you are gone? Are you still going to be alright having a hook-up when you're back? I ask because you seem to need a lot of reassurance, so I am wondering how this will go if he goes mostly silent when you're away. Or doesn't follow through in September. 

I am not planning to stay in touch while I am gone. I will contact him when I come back and see where we're at. If he doesn't want to meet I'll be fine with it. The only thing that would still hurt is if he doesn't reply at all.

I am not attached to this guy (nor any of the others before), my main issue seems to be a fear of being left in unread. For some reason it really bothers me.

[Girl_about_town]

8 hours ago, stillafool said:

OP, when will you be back from your vacation and did you give him the date so he can follow up?

I am back in September 1st, I didn't give him the exact date but I think it was clear. When I am back I will give it a few days/a week and see if he contacts me. If not, I'll reach out.

[Girl_about_town]

9 hours ago, stillafool said:

Your FWB situations sound more like what a person would expect and I see that you never used an app.  It's more organic to meet in person.  That makes the difference, but even with an app, if it's one where people just want sex they aren't looking for FWBs so that is why everyone is questioning why she's on that type of app.  What we are not taking into consideration is OP is obviously there also for quick sex; but to make friends to stay in touch with and still keep the sex on the table. 

Actually, many of the men I chatted with in that app said they also want a FWB and put it in their profile.

With this last guy that was the premise when we met. It wasn't clear if he would still want a FWB since we didn't confirm it right after, but then again, as it's been said on this thread, it's like dating, where people play it cool to avoid seeming to eager, wait to text, etc.

Yesterday he confirmed it is a FWB for him too by saying he would let me know when he wants to stop and I should do the same.

So I think people on this app are relatively open and honest with what they want since it's a NSA sex oriented app, and they don't play as many games as on other apps.

Edited July 18, 2022 by Girl_about_town

[Girl_about_town]

9 hours ago, stillafool said:

Is this the first guy who you thought ghosted you or is this the guy you saw after him that you weren't as excited about?

Sorry, I am not sure exactly what this question refers to. I was badly affected by the experience with the first guy. The second guy reached out to me after but I wasn't interested and let it fizzle out.

[Girl_about_town]

9 hours ago, Versacehottie said:

 

Second bolded, that would be my guess too.

 

Oh no, don't tell me that you agree! I am really kicking myself that I may have ruined it with him due to my inexperience. He was great and I would have loved to see him again... on the other hand, it was pretty shitty of him to leave my message unread when I told him I got home safe! Also, he didn't offer to walk me to the car at 2am (he was in his underwear but he could have put pants on!) so who knows, maybe it's for the best.

In any case, with what I know now, I wouldn't have written to him that night nor the day after.

[Wiseman2]

29 minutes ago, Girl_about_town said:

 he didn't offer to walk me to the car at 2am.

You keep expecting BF behavior from randoms you chose to have one night stands with from sex-only apps.

You may want to rethink nebulous situationships such as FWB or hookups if you hope to be treated with respect and have someone care about you.

You're getting hurt by trying to avoid being cared about as a "human", as you put it.

Feeling honored that a hookup answered your communication won't make you happy in the long run.

It was a mistake to message him.  Chasing guys after no strings sex won't help your self esteem. Skip the FWB.

Date men who respect and care about you. It's really that simple.

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, Girl_about_town said:

I am not attached to this guy (nor any of the others before), my main issue seems to be a fear of being left in unread. For some reason it really bothers me.

Then I would work on how you are going to manage this if it happens again. Your self-esteem seems quite fragile so you would be wise to come up with a plan for yourself in the event that he (or some other guy) leaves you on unread. 

Because while he might have agreed that meeting up in September would be fine, you currently have no idea if he will follow through. This is a man you have met only once so it's too soon to know what sort of character he is. Be prepared for any outcome, is my point. 

[stillafool]

3 hours ago, Girl_about_town said:

Sorry, I am not sure exactly what this question refers to. I was badly affected by the experience with the first guy. The second guy reached out to me after but I wasn't interested and let it fizzle out.

So it was the first guy who you had the bad experience that texted you yesterday with or another one?

[stillafool]

3 hours ago, Girl_about_town said:

Yesterday he confirmed it is a FWB for him too by saying he would let me know when he wants to stop and I should do the same.

So he confirmed you are his FWB and he won't be having sex with anyone but you?

[Weezy1973]

OP it’s pretty clear what you actually want is a boyfriend. Because of your issues with self-esteem and self-worth you’re looking for a cheat code where you won’t get attached and therefore can’t get hurt. Well, as you can see, it doesn’t work that way. You’re trying to do casual and still getting hurt. 

[poppyfields]

20 hours ago, Girl_about_town said:

Hi again and thank you for all the comments. I decided to go for it and write him a message asking if he wants to meet again before I go away on holidays. It was short and to the point. It's been a couple of hours and he has left it in unread

Obviously, he could still reply but it's feeling like a replay of my last ghosting. Thankfully, this time I am better prepared and less invested but I am starting to wonder if I am just unlucky, I somehow pick the wrong men, or I am doing something wrong to scare them away.

OP, re the bolded, to me this clearly suggests you do not understand what FWB is. 

Again, it's NOT dating where the guy calls after a date; you can't "scare" away FWB because there are no feelings or anything else for him to be scared of. 

He doesn't care about you, he may not even like you!

FWB is a pejorative term that means no strings sex and that's it.  To me it's no different from FB.  Different terms, same meaning .  The two terms are interchangeable.

Unlike most women (not all), men are capable of having sex with a woman they don't even find attractive, I've heard some men say a woman can be wearing a bag over her head and he'd still want to have sex with her!

It's a very harsh truth, and not one many women like to think about.  It's not about the woman at all, it's about the sex, period.

And afterwards, they can and often do forget all about you.

Unless you are friends with a man FIRST, or meet men from within your social circle, that is what you should expect when you meet these guys off the FWB app. 

Could things develop into more?  Sure anything is possible I suppose but that is very very rare and very unlikely. Typically it's a ONS. 

If I were you, which I wouldn't be because I don't do FWB, I would put this guy out of your mind, it's doubtful you are going to see or hear from him again.

September 1st is over a month a away, it's doubtful he will even remember your name by then.

Since he was on the app, he's no doubt having sex, ONS, with many women.

You're one of many "one and done" for him.  A "pump and dump."

I'm sorry to be this harsh but you need to wake up to reality here.  I'm actually afraid for you!

You're trying to control the frame to avoid getting hurt but will end up hurting yourself more.

Your emotional state is fragile and you appear to be quite vulnerable and if you continue on this path, it will only serve to lower your already fragile self-esteem.

Again, it's a very harsh truth and I know this is not what you want.  

I agree with @Wiseman2.  Casually date men who respect you and care.  Go slowly and build things naturally and organically.

The guys you meet on these apps won't.  The mere fact you are willing to have no strings sex is a turn off for many men right off the bat anyway.  

More importantly, strive to value, respect and love yourself first. 

The right men will come once that happens, I can almost promise you that.. 

 

 

Edited July 18, 2022 by poppyfields

[Girl_about_town]

6 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

You keep expecting BF behavior from randoms you chose to have one night stands with from sex-only apps.

You may want to rethink nebulous situationships such as FWB or hookups if you hope to be treated with respect and have someone care about you.

You're getting hurt by trying to avoid being cared about as a "human", as you put it.

Feeling honored that a hookup answered your communication won't make you happy in the long run.

It was a mistake to message him.  Chasing guys after no strings sex won't help your self esteem. Skip the FWB.

Date men who respect and care about you. It's really that simple.

Thanks as always for your advice, Wiseman, but I really don't want a boyfriend right now nor dating. I don't need the guys on these apps to care about me particularly, except as a human being. I don't expect boyfriend behaviour, but I appreciate some courtesy and politeness. I put in my profile that I expect honesty and respect. Any men who don't respect me or I suspect are dishonest are out. I don't think having a FWB has to mean having no respect for the other person. Some guys may be like that, but not all.

[Allupinnit]

6 minutes ago, Girl_about_town said:

Thanks as always for your advice, Wiseman, but I really don't want a boyfriend right now nor dating. I don't need the guys on these apps to care about me particularly, except as a human being. I don't expect boyfriend behaviour, but I appreciate some courtesy and politeness. I put in my profile that I expect honesty and respect. Any men who don't respect me or I suspect are dishonest are out. I don't think having a FWB has to mean having no respect for the other person. Some guys may be like that, but not all.

The point is there is no "respect" element in a casual encounter the way you define it.  Was it consensual?  Did you enjoy yourselves?  Did you get what you showed up for?  Did he use protection?  There is no walking to the car, follow-up texting, hell he's not even required to provide clean sheets or an orgasm - that is the risk you take when you become intimate with men you know nothing about.  They could literally be anyone.  And honest about what, exactly?  Why do you care if they lie?  You're there for one reason.

Listen, I hate to be harsh, but these men don't care about you as a person like that.  I'm kind of astounded that you expect these gentlemanly actions from strange men on hookup sites.  

[Weezy1973]

42 minutes ago, Girl_about_town said:

I really don't want a boyfriend right now nor dating.

Why not?

[Happy Lemming]

1 hour ago, Girl_about_town said:

 I don't think having a FWB has to mean having no respect for the other person. Some guys may be like that, but not all.

You are correct... The first letter in FWB is Friend.  And yes, I treated my FWB's as friends while also receiving the Benefits.

Each FWB had a different reason for wanting something casual, but I didn't treat them as if they were just a toy I could play with and throw into the corner until I wanted to play again. 

Depending on the rules set down (by the woman), we would do other things together outside of the bedroom.  I had respect for them and respect for the fact that they didn't have time for all the dating, etc.  They wanted to have their needs met and wanted me to have my needs satisfied, as well.

I still think you need to think about the "rules" you want to set down with your FWB.  Spending the night, having a meal together, sharing a bottle of wine (before), etc.  Your new guy will be looking for some direction/rules that he should follow when you return from your trip.

[Girl_about_town]

 

15 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

You are correct... The first letter in FWB is Friend.  And yes, I treated my FWB's as friends while also receiving the Benefits.

Each FWB had a different reason for wanting something casual, but I didn't treat them as if they were just a toy I could play with and throw into the corner until I wanted to play again. 

Depending on the rules set down (by the woman), we would do other things together outside of the bedroom.  I had respect for them and respect for the fact that they didn't have time for all the dating, etc.  They wanted to have their needs met and wanted me to have my needs satisfied, as well.

I still think you need to think about the "rules" you want to set down with your FWB.  Spending the night, having a meal together, sharing a bottle of wine (before), etc.  Your new guy will be looking for some direction/rules that he should follow when you return from your trip.

Thanks again for your perspective, Happy Lemming. This has been my experience so far as well. The three men I've been with were respectful and treated me well during the encounter (even the first one, except the not walking me to the car part, but I also didn't ask him to). Two of them want to see me again. I don't feel at all like an object.

 

Edited July 18, 2022 by Girl_about_town

[Girl_about_town]

1 hour ago, Allupinnit said:

The point is there is no "respect" element in a casual encounter the way you define it.  Was it consensual?  Did you enjoy yourselves?  Did you get what you showed up for?  Did he use protection?  There is no walking to the car, follow-up texting, hell he's not even required to provide clean sheets or an orgasm - that is the risk you take when you become intimate with men you know nothing about.  They could literally be anyone.  And honest about what, exactly?  Why do you care if they lie?  You're there for one reason.

Listen, I hate to be harsh, but these men don't care about you as a person like that.  I'm kind of astounded that you expect these gentlemanly actions from strange men on hookup sites.  

Please keep in mind that I do research the men beforehand by chatting with them and finding them online, where they work, or their IG, etc. So I am not just meeting up with  an anonymous man, they are pre-selected.

I specifically say on my profile I expect honesty and respect. I lookout for red flags before meeting the men.

This may not be completely foolproof but it really increases the chances that the guys I am meeting are just some regular, decent guys who want some sex but are not sleazy.

[Allupinnit]

1 hour ago, Girl_about_town said:

 

Thanks again for your perspective, Happy Lemming. This has been my experience so far as well. The three men I've been with were respectful and treated me well during the encounter (even the first one, except the not walking me to the car part, but I also didn't ask him to). Two of them want to see me again. I don't feel at all like an object.

 

What is the problem then, OP?  Sounds like everyone is getting their itch scratched.

[Allupinnit]

1 hour ago, Happy Lemming said:

You are correct... The first letter in FWB is Friend.  And yes, I treated my FWB's as friends while also receiving the Benefits.

Each FWB had a different reason for wanting something casual, but I didn't treat them as if they were just a toy I could play with and throw into the corner until I wanted to play again. 

Depending on the rules set down (by the woman), we would do other things together outside of the bedroom.  I had respect for them and respect for the fact that they didn't have time for all the dating, etc.  They wanted to have their needs met and wanted me to have my needs satisfied, as well.

I still think you need to think about the "rules" you want to set down with your FWB.  Spending the night, having a meal together, sharing a bottle of wine (before), etc.  Your new guy will be looking for some direction/rules that he should follow when you return from your trip.

Did you know these women or just meet them randomly online for the sole purpose of hooking up?

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Girl_about_town said:

This may not be completely foolproof but it really increases the chances that the guys I am meeting are just some regular, decent guys who want some sex but are not sleazy.

When you don't know the men, you can expect a totally mixed bag. 

Some will indeed be respectful and honest. Others will simply pretend that they are, to get you in bed. You can indicate in your profile that you want honesty and respect (understandably and rightfully) but that does not mean the sleazier ones won't try anyway. They'll just know they have to put on a sweeter act to get what they want. 

My point is that until you meet in person (and sometimes more than once) you won't really have much clue about what the guy's real deal is. Just be prepared to get burnt, as the likelihood of that is much higher on an anonymous hook-up app where the express purpose is sex and not even dating. 

[Happy Lemming]

13 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

Did you know these women or just meet them randomly online for the sole purpose of hooking up?

I met them (organically) in real life situations.  One woman we both participated in the same sport.  Another was a quasi-business associate.  One was a friend of a friend, etc.  Again -- organically -- no apps nor on-line.

I don't know if I would use the term "hooking up" -- none of these women wanted to go through the hassle of dating nor had the time for dating, so we fulfilled each other's needs.  These were not "pump and dump" situations.  We were friendly towards one another. 

[Allupinnit]

36 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

I met them (organically) in real life situations.  One woman we both participated in the same sport.  Another was a quasi-business associate.  One was a friend of a friend, etc.  Again -- organically -- no apps nor on-line.

I don't know if I would use the term "hooking up" -- none of these women wanted to go through the hassle of dating nor had the time for dating, so we fulfilled each other's needs.  These were not "pump and dump" situations.  We were friendly towards one another. 

I think OP will have much better luck looking for this arrangement IRL.