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Still hoping to find a FWB

Girl_about_town

By Girl_about_town
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poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

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Just now, Girl_about_town said:

Everybody keeps making assumptions about what my expectations are 😆

If we are it's because of your own words and the fact you DO have expectations.

Calling the next day.  No ghosting. 

Maybe I'm misreading and if so apologies, but let's face it, this thread wouldn't even exist if you didn't have expectations that aren't being met. 

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Girl_about_town Established Member

Girl_about_town

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Yes, of course there is an emotional element, I am a human, not a robot 😋

But the emotional element for me is:

1) It took me a while to find this guy, I vetted him and I enjoyed my time with him. Will I be able to see him again or do I have to start all over again?

2) To a lesser extent: if he doesn’t want to see me or ghosts me, and even if I don't actually care about him, it may affect my self esteem negatively (I am working on this and hope it won't be a problem)

Those are the emotions going through my mind. Are these unreasonable?

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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Girl_about_town Established Member

Girl_about_town

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Posted
2 minutes ago, Girl_about_town said:

Yes, of course there is an emotional element, I am a human, not a robot 😋

But the emotional element for me is:

1) It took me a while to find this guy, I vetted him and I enjoyed my time with him. Will I be able to see him again or do I have to start all over again?

2) To a lesser extent: if he doesn’t want to see me or ghosts me, and even if I don't actually care about him, it may affect my self esteem negatively (I am working on this and hope it won't be a problem)

Those are the emotions going through my mind. Are these unreasonable?

Oh, and another thing on my mind is that I don't want to end up with a huge "number" (the number of guys I have slept with.) I don't intend to become accidentally super promiscuous while searching for a FWB

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Girl_about_town Established Member

Girl_about_town

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9 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

If we are it's because of your own words and the fact you DO have expectations.

Calling the next day.  No ghosting. 

Maybe I'm misreading and if so apologies, but let's face it, this thread wouldn't even exist if you didn't have expectations that aren't being met. 

Sorry if my posts sometimes are not clear. I am here more because I am still clueless and I need advice, than because I am surprised that my expectations aren't being met.

ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

Posted
Posted
11 minutes ago, Girl_about_town said:

Those are the emotions going through my mind. Are these unreasonable?

They're not unreasonable. 

They're just not very realistic when you're using an app for sex with strangers. This is going to be a minefield, no matter what your vetting process is. A guy can be perfectly safe and fine to have sex with, and still not really care about keeping in touch with you between sex sessions or letting you know when he's lost interest. 

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Wiseman2 Established Member

Wiseman2

Posted
Posted (edited)
17 minutes ago, Girl_about_town said:

Yes, of course there is an emotional element, I am a human, not a robot

Ok try a regular dating apps rather than ones focused on mechanical sex. Go on dates, be friends, get to know each other. It's not walking down the aisle. However  you can keep it casual, in your own way.

You seem to not want to come out of this battered and bruised so slow your roll and get to know them as 'humans" first too. If you want regular sex with someone with some  communication in-between that is dating, so it's strange that you specify FWB or pursue sex-only apps.

Edited by Wiseman2
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Girl_about_town Established Member

Girl_about_town

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6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ok try a regular dating apps rather than ones focused on mechanical sex. Go on dates, be friends, get to know each other. It's not walking down the aisle. However  you can keep it casual, in your own way.

You seem to not want to come out of this battered and bruised so slow your roll and get to know them as 'humans" first too. If you want regular sex with someone with some  communication in-between that is dating, so it's strange that you specify FWB or pursue sex-only apps.

Ok, you're starting to convince me, although I worry that it will just be a slower version of the same thing. I'll go on dates, wonder why if they don't text me, and if I end up having sex after a few dates, they will likely still lose interest... 😆

poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

Posted
Posted (edited)
6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

If you want regular sex with someone with some  communication in-between that is dating, so it's strange that you specify FWB or pursue sex-only apps.

Well said @Wiseman2 which may be what the disconnect is. 

OP you're confusing sex with strangers (and labeling that FWB) with casual dating. 

Plenty of men seek out casual dating relationships BUT it involves having a mutual chemisty/energy  that goes beyond physical attraction.

And spending time, and gasp - caring. 

But for whatever reason (like you) are not ready for a serious exclusive relationship.

That sounds more like what you're seeking.

Just my take from reading your previous thread and this one. 

Edited by poppyfields
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Alpacalia Established Member

Alpacalia

Posted
Posted

All this angst over a FWB.

Seems like a colossal waste of your time.

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Wiseman2 Established Member

Wiseman2

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Posted (edited)
14 minutes ago, Girl_about_town said:

 and if I end up having sex after a few dates, they will likely still lose interest.

It's always possible, but less likely. But you are attempting to almost guarantee that they're only interested in sex and trying to make ghosting built into your sex-only pursuits. That's what random hookups are. 

Edited by Wiseman2
BaileyB Established Member

BaileyB

Posted
Posted (edited)
29 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

All this angst over a FWB.

Seems like a colossal waste of your time.

I’m not being facetious, I’m just wondering if you’ve considered buying a vibrator OP. Seriously. 

This does seem like a colossal waste of your time. You may end up having sex with a series of men that doesn’t bring you anything worthwhile. It comes with risk. If you want the easy and guaranteed result, I know it’s not the same… but, something to consider. 

Edited by BaileyB
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poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

Posted
Posted (edited)
41 minutes ago, Girl_about_town said:

Ok, you're starting to convince me, although I worry that it will just be a slower version of the same thing. I'll go on dates, wonder why if they don't text me, and if I end up having sex after a few dates, they will likely still lose interest... 😆

@Girl_about_town dating is.a risk, relationships are a risk, life is a risk!  There are never EVER any guarantees. 

Even in LTRs there aren't any guarantees, people ghost those too. 

I am of the belief that if you are not emotionally prepared to take the risk - that a man might lose interest, that he may not call for awhile, that he may ghost - you really should not be dating. 

Whether it's FWB, casual or exclusive.

You will project that insecure energy and men will sense it and likely to reject you for that. 

Those types of expectations, no.matter how hard you try to hide, place a lot of pressure on men to not hurt you. 

That is not a fun way to date. 

The key is to understand a man might lose interest, he might ghost, but KNOWING you will be okay no matter what. 

You get hurt, you bounce back.  You learn from the experience.

It's called having resilience and imo it's necessary in today's dating environment otherwise it will devastate you. 

Are you any sort of therapy or would you consider? 

 

Edited by poppyfields
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Girl_about_town Established Member

Girl_about_town

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17 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

I’m not being facetious, I’m just wondering if you’ve considered buying a vibrator OP. Seriously. 

This does seem like a colossal waste of your time. You may end up having sex with a series of men that doesn’t bring you anything worthwhile. It comes with risk. If you want the easy and guaranteed result, I know it’s not the same… but, something to consider. 

🤣

I don't know how to respond to this... I don't feel like I am wasting my time, and I don't have any regrets whatsoever so far, except not having prepared myself a bit better for what could happen before meeting the first guy.

I am learning as I go and when I feel it's not working for me anymore I'll make a change.

smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

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Posted
2 hours ago, Girl_about_town said:

Yes, I definitely don't want tons of random hookups, I just want to have sex regularly with someone without a relationship. I would like someone that likes me enough to meet me more than once, otherwise my self esteem can take a hit because I start wondering what is it that they didn't like or that I could have done differently. I am working on that, by the way, and this time I am not second-guessing myself anywhere as much, but I would still be disappointed if he doesn’t want to see me again!

This is where communication is needed. This is an "arrangement" and arrangements needs rules built on expectations. To avoid grey areas, stipulate say sexual exclusivity, but can go out with/date others, or open to sex with others, or hangout only so many days a week or if one catches feelings things must end, etc. This is to avoid any confusion or misunderstandings. Being on the same page is crucial for it to work.

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Girl_about_town Established Member

Girl_about_town

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13 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

@Girl_about_town dating is.a risk, relationships are a risk, life is a risk!  There are never EVER any guarantees. 

Even in LTRs there aren't any guarantees, people ghost those too. 

I am of the belief that if you are not emotionally prepared to take the risk - that a man might lose interest, that he may not call for awhile, that he may ghost - you really should not be dating. 

Whether it's FWB, casual or exclusive.

You will project that insecure energy and men will sense it and likely to reject you for that. 

Those types of expectations, no.matter how hard you try to hide, place a lot of pressure on men to not hurt you. 

That is not a fun way to date. 

The key is to understand a man might lose interest, he might ghost, but KNOWING you will be okay no matter what. 

You get hurt, you bounce back.  You learn from the experience.

It's called having resilience and imo it's necessary in today's dating environment otherwise it will devastate you. 

Are you any sort of therapy or would you consider? 

 

Yes, I think dating is becoming harder and harder, especially the dating apps are making guys (and many girls too) feel like they don't need to invest or put any effort because there are always more out there.

And yes, I started therapy as well, hopefully it will help me understand myself better in this stage of my life.

Edited by Girl_about_town
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Girl_about_town Established Member

Girl_about_town

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7 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

This is where communication is needed. This is an "arrangement" and arrangements needs rules built on expectations. To avoid grey areas, stipulate say sexual exclusivity, but can go out with/date others, or open to sex with others, or hangout only so many days a week or if one catches feelings things must end, etc. This is to avoid any confusion or misunderstandings. Being on the same page is crucial for it to work.

That sounds great, the trick is finding a person who wants (and will honor) that arrangement.

Let's say that this guy wants to meet me again, should I then bring up if he wants an arrangement? Or should I wait until we met a few times?

Wiseman2 Established Member

Wiseman2

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Posted
10 minutes ago, Girl_about_town said:

I started therapy as well, hopefully it will help me understand myself better in this stage of my life.

Yes it's good to make sure you are trying to prevent getting hurt by hurting yourself.

basil67 Established Member

basil67

Posted
Posted

What you're looking for seems to often come about when two people start out genuinely date each other and have a degree of respect but discover that while they enjoy sex together, the connection is not sufficient for a long term thing.    Or they are already friends who respect each other and who also have the hots for each other

Unfortunately, you've going about it backwards.  You're wanting respect and a degree of connection from a random guy who you've yet to build a connection with.   The expectations you have for follow up messages are quite unrealistic.  As is the idea of him committing to FWB before he even knows you.   As I said in one of my early posts, with the way you're approaching it, the only thing you should expect is mutually consensual sex.

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Happy Lemming Established Member

Happy Lemming

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Posted

I've been in a few FWB relationships.  Usually the woman sets the rules.  Things like no sleepovers or only on this day, stuff like that.

One FWB I was with for about 18 months, she was running her own business. She would call me up and invite me over, that was the rule.  I didn't call her and ask for sex, it was on her terms.  She would usually call me about twice to three times a week.  This arrangement worked for me, as I was busy trying to fix up a house to flip.  We both got what we wanted and didn't have to put in a time commitment to actually dating.  She had other rules like no sleepovers, etc.

Another FWB and I had a standing Friday night for sex.  Every Friday night we'd get together, and this one did want me to stay the night.  Most of the time, we'd shower and have "seconds" in the morning. 

Another one was very random, she'd sext me a picture and I'd go to her place.  Again, no sleepovers... I was expected to leave when we were finished.

So, I do think (as the woman) you need to set down the rules of the FWB arrangement.  I'm sure the guy you had sex with would very much like to come over and see you again, but again I think he is expecting you to set the rules of the arrangement.

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Girl_about_town Established Member

Girl_about_town

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1 hour ago, Happy Lemming said:

I've been in a few FWB relationships.  Usually the woman sets the rules.  Things like no sleepovers or only on this day, stuff like that.

One FWB I was with for about 18 months, she was running her own business. She would call me up and invite me over, that was the rule.  I didn't call her and ask for sex, it was on her terms.  She would usually call me about twice to three times a week.  This arrangement worked for me, as I was busy trying to fix up a house to flip.  We both got what we wanted and didn't have to put in a time commitment to actually dating.  She had other rules like no sleepovers, etc.

Another FWB and I had a standing Friday night for sex.  Every Friday night we'd get together, and this one did want me to stay the night.  Most of the time, we'd shower and have "seconds" in the morning. 

Another one was very random, she'd sext me a picture and I'd go to her place.  Again, no sleepovers... I was expected to leave when we were finished.

So, I do think (as the woman) you need to set down the rules of the FWB arrangement.  I'm sure the guy you had sex with would very much like to come over and see you again, but again I think he is expecting you to set the rules of the arrangement.

Thank you so much, @HappyLemming, it's great to hear a guy's perspective! Hopefully you are right, and he's just waiting to hear from me. 

Happy Lemming Established Member

Happy Lemming

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30 minutes ago, Girl_about_town said:

Thank you so much, @HappyLemming, it's great to hear a guy's perspective! Hopefully you are right, and he's just waiting to hear from me. 

I can also tell you that I did have one FWB and we both caught feelings for each other at about the same time.  I think her a little earlier than me, but she let me come around and suggest a change to our status.  We dated quite a while.  So it is possible for an FWB relationship to develop into more.  Again this only happened once, the rest (of my FWB relationships) seem to run their course and we parted ways.

poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

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Posted
2 hours ago, Happy Lemming said:

So, I do think (as the woman) you need to set down the rules of the FWB arrangement.  I'm sure the guy you had sex with would very much like to come over and see you again, but again I think he is expecting you to set the rules of the arrangement.

I was actually thinking the same thing.

I don't know if this was true for you @Happy Lemming, but HE may not want to be the one to initiate as it suggests more of a dating situation than FWB.

Dating as in -  man initiates, man pursues, man leads.

He doesn't want to mislead you so prefers and may even expect you to initiate your meets. 

At least in the beginning until he's convinced you have no expectations for more, as many women do.

JMO but I think it's unusual to find a woman who truly only wants sex.

@Happy Lemmingdid but again I don't think that's the norm, most woman, at least the ones I associate with, dislike NSA arrangements.

Are you okay with that?  Doing the initiating?

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ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

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Posted (edited)

OP, a question - would you also be okay with this guy having sex with other women? 

Edited by ExpatInItaly
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Wiseman2 Established Member

Wiseman2

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6 hours ago, Girl_about_town said:

 he's just waiting to hear from me. 

He knows your contact info so you don't have to chase him. In fact that's how you were hurt the last time. Chasing a ONS hoping for further communication. Don't contact him.

Perhaps with time therapy can help with insight into not wanting hookups but pursuing them anyway and not wanting dating and pursuing that as well.

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poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

Posted
Posted (edited)

OP, remember you're not really "friends" yet, you had one sexual hook up.

IF you truly want NSA, sex only arrangement, I'm not understanding why you can't call him?  What's preventing you from doing that? 

This is not dating where the man calls, initiates and pursues and as I said in previous, he may not want to mislead you by doing so.

There are women who, when a man calls, initiates and pursues her after a hookup, even when it's established its only FWB, would be wondering "does he like me more than FWB"?  "What does he really want"?  "What does it mean"?

The lines can get muddled. 

This is why and how people particularly women end up developing feelings for their FWBs.

When for him, it was just about the sex the entire time!

Your guy may have experienced that before, he also may have sensed your inexperience and suspects you're a woman likely to get attached. 

In fact, I am wondering this myself, what it is YOU truly want?

It really does sound like FWB is not want you want at all, you want to date a man, have him pursue you, inituate, have great sex, but no formal type of exclusive serious "relationship".

I think you are afraid of getting hurt and your thought process is by keeping it all light and casual, he won't get bored and dump you. 

I used to feel this way too for many years, so perhaps I'm projecting but with one of my ex's, our relationship was like this and the man chased me for six years! 

Don't ask me how we pulled that off, we were living together, and even got engaged!

But that was our dynamic.  I held back, and he chased!  He enjoyed that role, it kept everything fresh and exciting for six years. 

Problem was it was a game, disingenuous and lacked true intimacy and honesty. 

It took me several years after that relationship to find a man who doesn't play that game and I feel safe being my loving, giving self. 

And we are getting married next month. 💗

My advice is start being real with yourself and emotionally honest. 

There are good men out there who don't play games, don't get bored and who are able to commit. 

Anyway, after thinking this through, IF you truly want NSA sex only, give him a call. 

As @Happy Lemmingsaid, he may love to hear from you and more than happy to see and have sex with you again

He simply doesn't want to mislead you into thinking it's more than what it, like dating.  

 

Edited by poppyfields
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