Is my friend not interested in me any more?

[Maniac]

Known this woman for 17 years through my job, we stayed in touch after she quit.

 

Basically...we used to be super close texting(normally me...she aint into texting), talking on the phone, hanging out  several times a year since she's busy. It's a male-Female friendship btw.

 

Once she got into a relationship and moved in with him things changed completly...we still text but it was always always me. She used to text me "just thinking of you" and whatever else was on her mind but that stopped. We used to text early morning for a few minutes, that stopped and while the phone calls still happened I barely ever see her. They eventually broke up and once I found out we got close again, lots of texting/phone calls and saw eachother a few times. That was last summer. Once I got off the phone with her and said "message you in a couple months" that seems to have been the end of it. She got upset because I tend to dissapear (she doesn't like it) because I got my own issues I am dealing with. After that the phone calls seemed to have died off, she would forget or not wanna...now it's Jan and I show her my childhood area I grew up in, we agree to see each other in a few weeks but she was busy so I am upset and lash out at her in text that I didn't really wanna hang out anyway and vanish until recently. She ignores my text for 2 days when I finally did message her a few weeks ago and I ask someone she knows on FB to see if everything is ok and she says she can't commit to the friendship anymore. A week later I message her I am sorry for being a shitty friend for a while, that I have my issues I am dealing with and that I didn't wanna lose her from my life. She says I didn't do anything wrong, that we are still friends and she's working on herself and can't talk on the phone right now and that she feels bad because she doesn't have the time for the connection that I deserve (whatever that means??) and sending me lots of love and how awesome I am. so I assume she wont be seeing anyone but she still hanging out with other friends.

 

Is she not interested in me anymore? did I screw up somewhere? this completely baffles me. I miss the old her mostly. It was nice having someone invest time and energy into me. Last time that happened was elementary school (yes I am a loner).

Edited July 16, 2022 by Maniac

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Maniac said:

It's a male-Female friendship btw.

Once she got into a relationship and moved in with him things changed completly...

Stay in touch on social media/LinkedIn, etc. Yes it's natural that she would pay more attention to her live in BF than former work friends.

[LeGenDary_Man]

8 hours ago, Maniac said:

Known this woman for 17 years through my job, we stayed in touch after she quit.

 

Basically...we used to be super close texting(normally me...she aint into texting), talking on the phone, hanging out  several times a year since she's busy. It's a male-Female friendship btw.

 

Once she got into a relationship and moved in with him things changed completly...we still text but it was always always me. She used to text me "just thinking of you" and whatever else was on her mind but that stopped. We used to text early morning for a few minutes, that stopped and while the phone calls still happened I barely ever see her. They eventually broke up and once I found out we got close again, lots of texting/phone calls and saw eachother a few times. That was last summer. Once I got off the phone with her and said "message you in a couple months" that seems to have been the end of it. She got upset because I tend to dissapear (she doesn't like it) because I got my own issues I am dealing with. After that the phone calls seemed to have died off, she would forget or not wanna...now it's Jan and I show her my childhood area I grew up in, we agree to see each other in a few weeks but she was busy so I am upset and lash out at her in text that I didn't really wanna hang out anyway and vanish until recently. She ignores my text for 2 days when I finally did message her a few weeks ago and I ask someone she knows on FB to see if everything is ok and she says she can't commit to the friendship anymore. A week later I message her I am sorry for being a shitty friend for a while, that I have my issues I am dealing with and that I didn't wanna lose her from my life. She says I didn't do anything wrong, that we are still friends and she's working on herself and can't talk on the phone right now and that she feels bad because she doesn't have the time for the connection that I deserve (whatever that means??) and sending me lots of love and how awesome I am. so I assume she wont be seeing anyone but she still hanging out with other friends.

 

Is she not interested in me anymore? did I screw up somewhere? this completely baffles me. I miss the old her mostly. It was nice having someone invest time and energy into me. Last time that happened was elementary school (yes I am a loner).

You need to understand that IF she is involved in a relationship with a man then this development can affect her friendship with you because you are also a man (and single). This is a matter of establishing boundaries for a relationship to work. You should be mentally prepared for this contingency and try to make new friends for a change.

You mentioned that she is single again and reached out to you. If this is correct, then following message sent by you to her: "message you in a couple months" was not helpful. 

Now do this:

1. Stay in touch with her but give her time and space to recollect herself. Do not be clingy.

2. Be responsive to her messages and assure her that you are willing and available to help her if she needs you. Be positive in your messages.

3. Work on your issues. But do not project your issues onto her.

She is not responsible for your issues, right?

[ShyViolet]

It's not surprising or weird at all that once she got into a serious relationship with a man, she distanced herself from you.  Maybe the boyfriend was the one insisting on that.  Most people would be uncomfortable and not OK with their significant other having a friendship like this with someone of the opposite sex.  It seems a little inappropriate.  I get the vibe that there was flirtation in this friendship and the lines were a bit blurred between purely platonic or something more there.

12 hours ago, Maniac said:

She says I didn't do anything wrong, that we are still friends and she's working on herself and can't talk on the phone right now and that she feels bad because she doesn't have the time for the connection that I deserve (whatever that means??)

This right here sounds like she is "breaking things off" with you.  Saying she doesn't have time for the connection that you deserve is her way of telling you that she doesn't have time for a friendship with you.  You need to just accept that.

[Maniac]

12 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Stay in touch on social media/LinkedIn, etc. Yes it's natural that she would pay more attention to her live in BF than former work friends.

 

I got depressed and deleted my FB years ago.

9 hours ago, LeGenDary_Man said:

You need to understand that IF she is involved in a relationship with a man then this development can affect her friendship with you because you are also a man (and single). This is a matter of establishing boundaries for a relationship to work. You should be mentally prepared for this contingency and try to make new friends for a change.

You mentioned that she is single again and reached out to you. If this is correct, then following message sent by you to her: "message you in a couple months" was not helpful. 

Now do this:

1. Stay in touch with her but give her time and space to recollect herself. Do not be clingy.

2. Be responsive to her messages and assure her that you are willing and available to help her if she needs you. Be positive in your messages.

3. Work on your issues. But do not project your issues onto her.

She is not responsible for your issues, right?

Naw, I got depression issues. I've been to a hospital because I was thinking of walking off a tall building and the police came. That was years ago though...I am just really not liking myself. Nothing to do with her at all, but I tend to sometimes get moody and take it out on her not realizing what I am doing. Told her I was sorry for how I been acting for a while...i'll message her in a few months and give her space while I try figuring my own stuff out. I realized it was not helpful, once I said that her tone changed and she seemed to have more of a sad/annoyed voice "no message and call me and I will message and call you" is what she said. I understand because I am a dude there might be issues, I just need more friends.

[Maniac]

6 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

It's not surprising or weird at all that once she got into a serious relationship with a man, she distanced herself from you.  Maybe the boyfriend was the one insisting on that.  Most people would be uncomfortable and not OK with their significant other having a friendship like this with someone of the opposite sex.  It seems a little inappropriate.  I get the vibe that there was flirtation in this friendship and the lines were a bit blurred between purely platonic or something more there.

This right here sounds like she is "breaking things off" with you.  Saying she doesn't have time for the connection that you deserve is her way of telling you that she doesn't have time for a friendship with you.  You need to just accept that.

I am not looking into it much, now that I think about it she has been saying she wishes she had more time for me for years now, even at our closest...she's really busy and has a family. I was just surprised she said she can't commit to the friendship anymore because she gets upset that I get upset and I message her how sorry I am for being such a crappy friend to her for a while, she says we are friends and that she's working on herself and we will talk some other time. I am just going to take that as a she needs a break from the friendship so I will do my own thing and in a few months reach out to her slowly. 

I did ask if her guy had a problem with me talking to her since I am a dude, she said he doesn't care and has female friends he talks to and hangs out with. This issue is because of me. She says I did nothing wrong but I did.

Edited July 16, 2022 by Maniac

[ExpatInItaly]

12 hours ago, Maniac said:

I just need more friends.

I think this is what it boils down to. 

I am sorry you have struggled. It seems that you expect more from this friendship than she can offer, and it's not really a healthy situation for you. I would encourage you to take a big step back from this, and shift your focus to forming new friendships elsewhere. 

[LeGenDary_Man]

14 hours ago, Maniac said:

 

I got depressed and deleted my FB years ago.

Naw, I got depression issues. I've been to a hospital because I was thinking of walking off a tall building and the police came. That was years ago though...I am just really not liking myself. Nothing to do with her at all, but I tend to sometimes get moody and take it out on her not realizing what I am doing. Told her I was sorry for how I been acting for a while...i'll message her in a few months and give her space while I try figuring my own stuff out. I realized it was not helpful, once I said that her tone changed and she seemed to have more of a sad/annoyed voice "no message and call me and I will message and call you" is what she said. I understand because I am a dude there might be issues, I just need more friends.

OK. I hope you are not feeling suicidal again because this is serious. You might have another bout of depression in the present.

Do you have hobbies? Or any activity which can help you get in touch with more people? You should think on these lines.

It is not healthy for you to be codependent on one friend to live your life.

Cyberspace also helps connect people. I am surprised that so many are reluctant to take advantage of this technology.

14 hours ago, Maniac said:

I did ask if her guy had a problem with me talking to her since I am a dude, she said he doesn't care and has female friends he talks to and hangs out with. This issue is because of me. She says I did nothing wrong but I did.

Fair enough. It is helpful to clear this aspect when a relationship is established. Just to be sure.

Edited July 17, 2022 by LeGenDary_Man

[Maniac]

11 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I think this is what it boils down to. 

I am sorry you have struggled. It seems that you expect more from this friendship than she can offer, and it's not really a healthy situation for you. I would encourage you to take a big step back from this, and shift your focus to forming new friendships elsewhere. 

 

Yeah relying on 1 person to fill all your needs is bad, i'll have to try my best to make new friends.

10 hours ago, LeGenDary_Man said:

OK. I hope you are not feeling suicidal again because this is serious. You might have another bout of depression in the present.

Do you have hobbies? Or any activity which can help you get in touch with more people? You should think on these lines.

It is not healthy for you to be codependent on one friend to live your life.

Cyberspace also helps connect people. I am surprised that so many are reluctant to take advantage of this technology.

Fair enough. It is helpful to clear this aspect when a relationship is established. Just to be sure.

Naw that suicide stuff is over. I mostly sit in my room and play video games, currently playing Valheim with a guy from work.

 

I guess I am done with this thread now, just needed some perspective. Need more friends and can't rely on 1. I'll reach out to her sometime once I am in a better place and resume our yearly hiking and 1 or more phone calls a month or every other month.  I aint looking for more time with her, she's a busy woman and I hope she finds a nice man to settle down with (have told her this).

 

Thanks guys!

Edited July 17, 2022 by Maniac

[Syd8]

She's not interested anymore in your friendship. Just walk away. You don't need or want someone like that in your life. 

[Maniac]

11 hours ago, Syd8 said:

She's not interested anymore in your friendship. Just walk away. You don't need or want someone like that in your life. 

I think I just hurt her really bad and she wants space. She's been saying for years she wishes she had more time for me but I was too reliant on 1 friend. She's busy and has a family and I was needy, it's totally my fault this has happened so I must venture out and make other friends so I don't get so upset when 1 is too busy for me. Plus I clearly need more councelling. I figure if she really wanted me gone she would say get lost and ignore my messages and not say we are still friends, etc.

 

Anyway I don't wanna talk about this anymore since it's been resolved.

[finnhilton]

The best way is just go and ask him/her what happen why are you ignoring me I don't want to ruin your friendship like this. If he/she tell nothing happen it's all normal then give them time though they don't talk to you all day they don't hang-out with you it's okay but as a true friend never lose them if any problem occur in there live go and stand there. After that they will know what is true friendship is.

[Maniac]

I made a thread about this person before. Anyway we don't talk much anymore and I tried reaching out to her, she finally sent me an audio text but I could not hear it so had her call me. She told me she got back with her ex boyfriend and is working on trust issues and had to drop all her male friends. This just kinda came out of left field, she said we can never go on our yearly hikes or do phone calls anymore, she only has time for herself, her boyfriend and her female friends. After I hung up I text her I'll miss her and hope she's always happy and hope the best for her and for her to not contact me ever again because I can't ever forgive her for this and i'll be blocking her and what she did is bad unhealthy behaviour.

 

Am I allowed to be angry because my friendship ended due to an insanely insecure guy? I've known her for 18 years, he's known her for like 4 and was with her for 2 years. I was always extremly supportive of her and happy for her she met this guy that made her happy.

[stillafool]

Of course you're allowed to be angry and hurt if you feel that way.  However it won't affect her because she has already set the boundary.  Her boyfriend's feelings come first and he's not comfortable with her having male friends.

[Maniac]

11 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Of course you're allowed to be angry and hurt if you feel that way.  However it won't affect her because she has already set the boundary.  Her boyfriend's feelings come first and he's not comfortable with her having male friends.

I already accepted it but it's just crazy how that happens. This whole time I felt something was wrong, i've known her for like half my life. I know they wont last long like last time because these types of relationships end up failing but it hurts to lose someone important to me. I already dedicated my anger to work on myself and be better. BTW he hangs around female friends all the time, she told me. So he's just a loser that controls people.

Edited March 8, 2023 by Maniac

[stillafool]

Well try not to be angry with them.  I too have lost good male friends when they got involved with a girl.  I just wish them well.  Doesn't mean she's a bad person just possessive of her man.

[Maniac]

12 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Well try not to be angry with them.  I too have lost good male friends when they got involved with a girl.  I just wish them well.  Doesn't mean she's a bad person just possessive of her man.

She can do whatever she wants, her life and I am not going to tell people what they are doing is wrong or right, it's their life journey. If she wants to throw away 18 years for a shitty guy that treats her like crap and tells her to bark like a dog on command that's her choice. Our friendship died a while back but I kept trying to keep it around for so long before I stopped trying because it's too exhausting doing it alone. Last time we were friends I was helping her through her breakup, then she vanishes again once he starts talking to her again. One thing I noticed was anytime I vanish for 6 months her first message to me is to end the friendship. Not my fault you don't ever reach out anymore.

[JTSW]

No offense OP but you sound rather clingy and have a lack of boundary awareness.

Bit of a double standard here too because you complain that she don't communicate much yet you disappear for months.

Of course this is upsetting and confusing.

You messed her around allot.

She doesn't sound interested in the friendship any longer.

She also has a family now so you need to let her go.

[Maniac]

9 hours ago, JTSW said:

No offense OP but you sound rather clingy and have a lack of boundary awareness.

Bit of a double standard here too because you complain that she don't communicate much yet you disappear for months.

Of course this is upsetting and confusing.

You messed her around allot.

She doesn't sound interested in the friendship any longer.

She also has a family now so you need to let her go.

You're talking about something that was in the summer, my new thread was merged with my old one. I didn't message her for months due to the fact she never messaged me so sticking around always messaging her all the time would be clingy which I wasn't clingy, seems pretty normal since it was a 1 sided friendship. My update is she ended things with all her male friends and apparently some female friends because of this guy, it wasn't something I did but the guy has issues he needs to work on, I never messed with her at all. I can't do all the work even if she gets upset I vanish it's so exhausting and for the last couple years I started to dislike talking to her on the phone which is why I rarely talked to her on the phone...maybe 1 time in a year and a half? instead of 3-4 times a month and I started to get angry anytime I hung around her for hikes or coffees or showing her my neighbour hood I grew up in, hell I also really did not wanna text her anymore, it was tedius. She's an older woman so her family is all grown up. It's her life she can do whatever she wants but she's immature for dropping lots of people that were so good to her because of a toxic dude.

 

Am I sad she's gone? sure i've known her a long time but if I was still around i'd not be happy. My suspicion of this guy was proven right, he did sabotage the friendship and they broke up because his insecurities but he clinged on after despite her feeling bad keeping him around and they got back together as long as he had her all to himself. That's a disaster of a relationship that's going to blow up but I wont be around anymore. I got my own life to live, if someone does not want me around then goodbye. I have done SO much for her  over the years and I get slapped in the face. Whatever, she's done and I aint gonna cry over it, I am going to use my anger to better my life. I wished her well, told her I'd miss her and hope she's always happy no matter what and called that guy trash and said goodbye. Nothing else to be said. Once upon a time she was sad for a long time she never could get friends, now she does and drops them like candy and has changed so badly and I am good not having around anymore. I miss the old version of her, that was my friend. Not this person she has become.

Edited March 9, 2023 by Maniac