Covert Narcissism and questioning reality

[Lauriebell82]

Omg this is like what happened to me. I was married to a covert narc. They are the WORST because you don't see them coming. They are super sneaky. My ex husband also harped on my weight (mind you I am not overweight at all!) but if I even gained a little bit he commented when we were dating. Then when we were married after I had both our kids I had like 40 lbs to lose of baby weight and I worked out like crazy, dieted and lost it all! I looked like a super model I was so fit! Then he flipped it around and said I was too skinny! My breasts were all shriveled up and shrunken, you could see my bones, ect. (yes this is graphic, but I feel its important info to share!) None of that of course was true, I was still in a normal weight range for my height! But this is what narcs do, they make you question your own reality and yourself. Please stay away from this man. He is an abuser and always will be! I unfortunately have to share custody with my ex husband and it's a nightmare at times because he hasn't changed! He is who he is. He is still periodically abusive towards me even YEARS after our divorce (mind you, he divorced me and still talks about everything I did wrong!) I understand the pull of wanting to reconcile with a narc, trust me. But they are TROUBLE with a capital T. Your life will be sooo much better without him. Get out and save your sanity! Take it from someone who KNOWSSSSSS!!!!!!

Edited July 17, 2022 by Lauriebell82

[salparadise]

15 hours ago, AlexisH33407 said:

Here’s the thing… I love him and I can’t help who I love. I love him, I loved waking up next to him, I loved what he future promised that our life would be like. I fell in love with a promise of what our life would be like, I fell in love with words. 
 

I know that I need to work on myself, my convictions and am trying to do that now being in therapy. 

First of all, I'd like to say how sad your story is and that I empathize. I'm a man, but the dynamic can go either way.

We certainly CAN choose who we love. Love is most definitely a choice.  Examining and accepting that is key for you, because right now you think you're helpless due to not having choices. Just a victim of circumstance. 

You need to accept that this is over-over, and that now your only priority is you... getting straightened out emotionally, and deconstructing what it was that caused you to accept such horrible treatment from this man.  Don't even entertain the notion of letting him back into your life. Don't communicate. Don't read his emails or anything. 

But the big question you have to ask and explore with your therapist is why. Why did you not walk away the first time he began the devaluation? Or the second or third time? Why did you hang in and continue absorbing this abuse until HE broke up with you? The short answer is codependency. Assuming his is a covert narcissist or another cluster B disorder (which I believe he is), it takes two to tango... if you had walked away when you were treated badly you wouldn't even be posting. Codependence is an unhealthy, enmeshed dynamic wherein a person puts someone else's needs ahead of their own, suffers greatly for it, and continues to do so because they are in a groove they don't recognize or understand and don't have the resources to come out of it even if they did. Belief systems are part of it too. Not believing that you deserve to be treated well, not believing that you are valuable or lovable (so you make a deal with the devil to keep from being alone). 

Talk to your therapist about it. Use the word and tell her you need to explore it. Codependence is fixable, however  narcissism (or other cluster B disorders are not). Three things you need to do:  a) accept that this is over once and for all,  b) stabilize and begin healing, and c) work on your self-concept and beliefs so that you will not ever fall into another such situation. Narc proofing. But it's also going to change the way you interact in the world, and you will be much happier. All the best.

Edited July 17, 2022 by salparadise

[Lauriebell82]

48 minutes ago, salparadise said:

 

But the big question you have to ask and explore with your therapist is why. Why did you not walk away the first time he began the devaluation? Or the second or third time? Why did you hang in and continue absorbing this abuse until HE broke up with you? The short answer is codependency. Assuming his is a covert narcissist or another cluster B disorder (which I believe he is), it takes two to tango... if you had walked away when you were treated badly you wouldn't even be posting. Codependence is an unhealthy, enmeshed dynamic wherein a person puts someone else's needs ahead of their own, suffers greatly for it, and continues to do so because they are in a groove they don't recognize or understand and don't have the resources to come out of it even if they did. Belief systems are part of it too. Not believing that you deserve to be treated well, not believing that you are valuable or lovable (so you make a deal with the devil to keep from being alone). 

 

As a survivor of narc abuse for over a decade I can say that it's a hidden kind of abuse you don't see happening until it's over. Narcs undermine your self worth and self esteem and make it near impossible to think you can be without them. It's so difficult to even attempt to leave or think about leaving because they keep you so isolated and beaten down that you basically think you can't survive without them (which of course is not true, this is just the thought process that happens). It does mimic a form of codependence and narcs know to choose highly empathic people who often put their own needs aside for others. 

I'm not at ALL surprised that he had to break up with her. That's quite often the case. Now she just needs to stay gone. But it's difficult. Survivors often return to narcs an average of 7 times before they break up completely. It's a horrible cycle. Until she realizes he is NOT EVER going to change, she won't be able to stay away. 

Edited July 17, 2022 by Lauriebell82

[salparadise]

@Lauriebell82 I don't disagree with anything you said. The main thing I am trying to get across to the OP is that despite having been victimized, she now has to take responsibility to get herself and her life back. She can't continue thinking of herself as a helpless victim. I did not know that statistic about it taking an average of seven times before they break free.

I think it is codependence, not just something that mimics it. Narcs end up with a certain type of person, those who are vulnerable, as opposed to those who are self-confident, independent and having agency. People with empathy, yes. But not everyone who is highly empathetic ends up being the victim of a narcissist. It's like buying shoes –– everyone buys a certain size because that's what inherently fits them. They don't choose the ones that don't fit, so they all fall within a narrow range. Same with the narcissist/codependent, except that both parties make that choice in order to form a relationship. It's a yen and yang kind of thing. 

I just hope OP's therapist can get to her before the narcissist lures her back. In the last sentence of her initial post she says "If so what are things I'm able to do in order to try to work things out if possible?" Perhaps after all of these concerned responses she will begin to see that it looks quite different from the inside vs. outside. I hope she has a therapist who is up to the task.

[stillafool]

23 hours ago, AlexisH33407 said:

TODAY I was called a fat, mouthy, selfish, self centered, delusional [ ] for asking him to do something like that and not understanding that I’ve caused 90% of the damage in our relationship! HE LITERALLY  TOLD ME HE WOULD RATHER TALK ABOUT ME HINGS IN PERSON SO HE COUKD SEE MY REACTIONS TO WHAT HE HAS TO TELL ME FACE TO FACE… 

Again… I know what he has done is inexcusable and that I am at fault for not setting boundaries and allowing him to use me. But I cannot help that I still love him and feel that I miss more of the person he promised he would be instead of the man that he was! I miss the attachment to him more 

You can expect plenty more of this talk now that you've allowed it to go on for 2 years.  You say this is because you LOVE him.  Why don't you LOVE yourself more?  It is past time for you to break up and put your life back together.  What are you teaching your kids when you take this type of abuse from a man?  You aren't even married to him.  He's never going to accept your weight.  At some point you may gain weight again even if you lose it this time.  He will always use it against you.

Edited July 18, 2022 by stillafool

[ShyViolet]

On 7/16/2022 at 8:43 PM, AlexisH33407 said:

told him that he would have to self evaluate his actions; see and understand how his actions or lack of could hurt others and give me a plan on how he will work on that moving forward… TODAY I was called a fat, mouthy, selfish, self centered, delusional [ ] for asking him to do something like that 

You've known for the past two years that this is who he is and this is how he behaves.  It's time for you to take responsibility for YOUR part in this, in the fact that you allowed it to go on this long, and it's time to stop making it sound like this is all something that "happened" to you and that you had no choice in.  

This man never should have had the opportunity to still talk to you like this TODAY,  because he shouldn't have even had access to you.  You shouldn't have still been engaging with him.