citygirl8741 Posted July 15, 2022 Posted July 15, 2022 26 year old woman here. I matched with a guy on tinder (30M) just over a month ago. At the time we met he was getting ready to move 45 minutes away to start his medical residency. When he first asked me out for dinner on tinder, I was hesitant to say yes because I had ended a serious relationship in March of 2022 and this was mid June, so I hadn't been single for that long and wasn't sure if I was ready to meet someone seriously (I had downloaded tinder more out of curiosity to be honest). I ended up agreeing to get dinner with him after a lengthy text convo in which he revealed he was also recently out of a relationship. We got dinner and I'm so glad we did. On our first dinner date, he made it very clear he was moving 45 minutes away in 2 weeks but was just chilling and free until then as his new residency position hadn't started yet. He framed it as he was "just moving 45 minutes up the road" and would be back in town often as his family all lives here. We really clicked and ended up going on about 6 dates (including the first one) in the two week span. This included sex and sleepovers by date 4. We of course texted in between. We clicked very hard and I think it took us both by surprise. Just before moving, and on date 5, he said it felt like on the scale of 1 to a relationship, we were already at a 7 and I agreed. The Saturday he moved in he invited me to come up to his new place 45 minutes away. I drove there and helped him set up a few things and we had sex but also had some very serious conversations. He mentioned not wanting to fall back into a pattern of dating people back-to-back and I understood that. He said he doesn't want to get 6 months into something and regret not having single time. We discussed pumping the breaks for a few weeks while he gets settled into work and his new place and routine. I half-jokingly offered to help him with his tinder profile so he could see what's out there (if he even had time to socialize outside the hospital) and he took me up on it. Later in the evening, he opened up to me about his childhood and some other things and I really felt connected to him. After a few drinks we got ready for bed and I realized this was going to be the last time I saw him for awhile after 2 weeks of pretty constant interaction. He could sense my sadness and said something to the effect of "Well if you're still interested/around in 4-6 weeks, I think I'd like to keep you around for a long time." I'm paraphrasing that but it was similar. When we parted ways the next morning, I mentioned that I wouldn't text him and wait for him, but he said that silence wasn't required and I could definitely reach out. Flash forward a week and he had updated me a bit on starting his residency in the hospital. I updated him on my life a bit and also did express my desire that I hope we can see each other again. He didn't comment on that other than "loving" the message. Messages have since become fewer and fewer and its now been 3 weeks since I last saw him and probably a week since I last heard anything. I have not texted in a few days and my last message was wishing him luck on something and I don't think he even responded. I know medical residencies are TOUGH having watched friends go through them. He is likely doing 10 hour shifts in the hospital and dealing with a ton of stress and a huge learning curve. That said, I'm unsure what to do about myself and the whiplash I have from seeing him constantly to nothing at all. I really miss him somehow and it does not help that my job is fully remote and not very demanding so even as I try to stay busy my mind does wander to thinking about him fairly often. All of my friends have advised me to wait for him and if he wants to see me again, he will reach out. I know they are right, and it's only been 3 weeks but I did not expect to develop feelings for this guy. I'm beginning to think he may not reach out again and while I will be ok, I'd really love to see if we can make this work. How do I respect his space while also expressing my interest? I don't want to overwhelm him, but do I really just have to sit back and wait another 3 weeks to see what happens?
Alpacalia Posted July 15, 2022 Posted July 15, 2022 (edited) It seems that he enjoys being with you and that he enjoys the company you provide, but not enough to pursue anything serious with you. I think you made a judgment error in saying you'd wait for him. Take a look at the current situation. Being with you doesn't require any sacrifice on his part. He's certainly not making any. And really, why would he? The two of you barely know each other. With a career and new location, as well as a recent breakup, he wants to explore being single. 50 minutes ago, citygirl8741 said: How do I respect his space while also expressing my interest? I don't want to overwhelm him, but do I really just have to sit back and wait another 3 weeks to see what happens? There's no need to put your life on hold just because you spend a short amount of time with someone you barely know. It is clear to him that you are interested in him and want to keep in touch with him. Continue to live your life as usual. He will contact you if the connection between you is strong. See where you are then. There is also the very real possibility that this may have just been a one-off act, so you have to be mindful of that possibility as well. Edited July 15, 2022 by Alpacalia
Wiseman2 Posted July 15, 2022 Posted July 15, 2022 1 hour ago, citygirl8741 said: He mentioned not wanting to fall back into a pattern of dating people back-to-back and I understood that. Unfortunately he was quite upfront and honest that he plans to keep busy, seeing others. You even helped him update his tinder profile for some reason. Consider it a lovey encounter but continue dating others. Consider slowing down a bit.. 2
glows Posted July 15, 2022 Posted July 15, 2022 A person wouldn't mention the above (above commenter's quote) if he is intent about dating you. The writing is on the wall and in very large letters. I disagree with your friends. Please gather your confidence and self-respect and distance yourself from this person, go on and live your life fully and don't wait around for him. It may be weeks, months or years before he gets back to you about wanting a relationship but in my opinion, when a person knows someone is a good fit for them, they will never take the risk of letting you go. My thoughts are that he's grown comfortable around you and likes your availability and the way you are always there but he doesn't see himself with you. Regarding his medical residency, people lead very busy lives and it's no different from doctors or anyone else working shift work and long hours. Please don't make excuses for him. He was smart enough to get into med school and is doing his residency. He can use a phone. 1
ShyViolet Posted July 15, 2022 Posted July 15, 2022 This guy does not sound interested in you at all. Do not "wait" for him. Listen to what he has told you.... he was very direct and said he doesn't want to regret not having "single" time. He didn't even say that the medical residency was the reason for his slowing things down with you. He basically made it sound like he wants to see other people. So I guess with the medical residency he will still find time for that. This is not how a man behaves when he is truly interested. Please have some self-respect. Don't "wait" around for him and don't chase a man who has already chosen to distance himself from you. If he decides that he's interested, he knows where to find you. But you should just move on and live your life.
Ami1uwant Posted July 15, 2022 Posted July 15, 2022 Don’t waitforhim…be open and explore other relationships. there isn’t enough here to say anything of how he feels. Sure he approached this as purely casual and not being serious knowing with his residency coming up he really will not have time for relationships. i do t know where you live, but 45 min isn’t a big deal
basil67 Posted July 16, 2022 Posted July 16, 2022 I suspect that when you 'jokingly' offered to help him update his Tinder profile, you were hoping that he'd reassure you that he only wants to see you. But instead, he took you at face value that you'd free him up to see others. I can't help but wonder what the result would have been if you'd said "let's take it slow" or "let's just see what happens" or even "I was really hoping for a relationship with you" When you're both at a serious point in conversation, it's really important to say what you mean so that there's no uncertainty. It also seems like a 45min drive is a problem to you. In terms of distance, this really is a nothing, especially if you get open roads for part of the trip. The only tip is to not be heading out when you're starting to get tired.
Alvi Posted July 16, 2022 Posted July 16, 2022 On 7/14/2022 at 8:55 PM, citygirl8741 said: He said he doesn't want to get 6 months into something and regret not having single time. That is his way of telling you very politely that this relationship is over. No matter how nicely he tried to sugarcoat it, it his mind it is over and done with. Look, in reality 45 minutes distance is not that much. Yeah, I bet is is busy with his residency, but he does get some days off too I guess. If he wanted to see you, he definitely could. I don't think that he would be regretting single time if he wanted to stay with you. On the contrary, he would be looking forward getting busy with you (and I am not talking about sex here, just normal activities that couples do). On 7/14/2022 at 8:55 PM, citygirl8741 said: I half-jokingly offered to help him with his tinder profile so he could see what's out there (if he even had time to socialize outside the hospital) and he took me up on it. And he took you up on your offer. He says that he is going to be too busy but apparently not to busy to check out other women (and date them). Go figure. On 7/14/2022 at 8:55 PM, citygirl8741 said: All of my friends have advised me to wait for him and if he wants to see me again, he will reach out. That is not very wise. If you were my friend, I would tell you to start going on the dates with others. There is nothing to wait for, he has already broke things off with you. He might downgrade you to a FWB or an occasional hook up but is it what you want? I think deep down inside he always knew that this relationship has an expiration date. When that day came, he told you very nicely that is is over. Sucks, but such is life. Sometimes you have to take some risks and see how it is going to pan out. It is not your fault in any way, so don't put any blame on yourself. He did mislead you to begin with. To be fair, it was too soon to make any long term relationship promises after only handful of dates. How on earth could you be at the relationship level 7 already on a date five? Way too soon, too many empty promises on his part. Go date other men. Do not sit around waiting for him. If at some point he reaches out to you, good. But if not, then not. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted July 16, 2022 Posted July 16, 2022 On 7/15/2022 at 4:55 AM, citygirl8741 said: I'd really love to see if we can make this work. That has to be mutual though, OP. And he isn't giving you any signs that he wants to make it work. On 7/15/2022 at 4:55 AM, citygirl8741 said: How do I respect his space while also expressing my interest? He knows you are interested. And unfortuantely, he's not interested the way you are. On 7/15/2022 at 4:55 AM, citygirl8741 said: do I really just have to sit back and wait another 3 weeks to see what happens? No, and I don't get the sense he wants you to do this, either. He wouldn't have dropped the ball completely on communication if he was hoping you'd still be around in a few weeks. This isn't entirely about his residency either. In fact, he cited a completely different reason for not wanting to take this further (not wanting to regret not enjoying the single life) You don't want to hang on in hope while he's likely off meeting different women. I'm sorry. This one is a dud, OP. 1
Maldives Posted July 16, 2022 Posted July 16, 2022 (edited) On 7/15/2022 at 12:55 PM, citygirl8741 said: 26 year old woman here. I matched with a guy on tinder (30M) just over a month ago. At the time we met he was getting ready to move 45 minutes away to start his medical residency. When he first asked me out for dinner on tinder, I was hesitant to say yes because I had ended a serious relationship in March of 2022 and this was mid June, so I hadn't been single for that long and wasn't sure if I was ready to meet someone seriously (I had downloaded tinder more out of curiosity to be honest). I ended up agreeing to get dinner with him after a lengthy text convo in which he revealed he was also recently out of a relationship. We got dinner and I'm so glad we did. On our first dinner date, he made it very clear he was moving 45 minutes away in 2 weeks but was just chilling and free until then as his new residency position hadn't started yet. He framed it as he was "just moving 45 minutes up the road" and would be back in town often as his family all lives here. We really clicked and ended up going on about 6 dates (including the first one) in the two week span. This included sex and sleepovers by date 4. We of course texted in between. We clicked very hard and I think it took us both by surprise. Just before moving, and on date 5, he said it felt like on the scale of 1 to a relationship, we were already at a 7 and I agreed. The Saturday he moved in he invited me to come up to his new place 45 minutes away. I drove there and helped him set up a few things and we had sex but also had some very serious conversations. He mentioned not wanting to fall back into a pattern of dating people back-to-back and I understood that. He said he doesn't want to get 6 months into something and regret not having single time. We discussed pumping the breaks for a few weeks while he gets settled into work and his new place and routine. I half-jokingly offered to help him with his tinder profile so he could see what's out there (if he even had time to socialize outside the hospital) and he took me up on it. Later in the evening, he opened up to me about his childhood and some other things and I really felt connected to him. After a few drinks we got ready for bed and I realized this was going to be the last time I saw him for awhile after 2 weeks of pretty constant interaction. He could sense my sadness and said something to the effect of "Well if you're still interested/around in 4-6 weeks, I think I'd like to keep you around for a long time." I'm paraphrasing that but it was similar. When we parted ways the next morning, I mentioned that I wouldn't text him and wait for him, but he said that silence wasn't required and I could definitely reach out. Flash forward a week and he had updated me a bit on starting his residency in the hospital. I updated him on my life a bit and also did express my desire that I hope we can see each other again. He didn't comment on that other than "loving" the message. Messages have since become fewer and fewer and its now been 3 weeks since I last saw him and probably a week since I last heard anything. I have not texted in a few days and my last message was wishing him luck on something and I don't think he even responded. I know medical residencies are TOUGH having watched friends go through them. He is likely doing 10 hour shifts in the hospital and dealing with a ton of stress and a huge learning curve. That said, I'm unsure what to do about myself and the whiplash I have from seeing him constantly to nothing at all. I really miss him somehow and it does not help that my job is fully remote and not very demanding so even as I try to stay busy my mind does wander to thinking about him fairly often. All of my friends have advised me to wait for him and if he wants to see me again, he will reach out. I know they are right, and it's only been 3 weeks but I did not expect to develop feelings for this guy. I'm beginning to think he may not reach out again and while I will be ok, I'd really love to see if we can make this work. How do I respect his space while also expressing my interest? I don't want to overwhelm him, but do I really just have to sit back and wait another 3 weeks to see what happens? Slow fade by the sounds of it. No one's that busy they can't send a simple text. If I'm really into someone I would invest in them he is not. The tinder thing was a sure giveaway. Take what he said at face value. Edited July 16, 2022 by Goodguy05 1
poppyfields Posted July 16, 2022 Posted July 16, 2022 (edited) On 7/14/2022 at 7:55 PM, citygirl8741 said: We discussed pumping the breaks for a few weeks while he gets settled into work and his new place and routine. I half-jokingly offered to help him with his tinder profile so he could see what's out there (if he even had time to socialize outside the hospital) and he took me up on it. I'm not understanding this. He clearly dumped you after which you helped him with his Tinder profile? I have to ask, what was your thought process there? Your motivation for helping him with his profile? Did you think it would endear you to him? Cause him to change his mind, pull him closer? I'm seriously confused as that may be the most effed up thing I've ever heard and trust me I've heard it all! Or thought I had till now. I think he knew all along this would be short lived but hey he had some good sex, a woman who helped him move, helped him set up his new place, helped him with his Tinder profile and listened to all childhood sturm and drang to boot, like a therapist. Good deal for him no doubt but what about you? On 7/14/2022 at 7:55 PM, citygirl8741 said: The Saturday he moved in he invited me to come up to his new place 45 minutes away. I drove there and helped him set up a few things and we had sex but also had some very serious conversations. He mentioned not wanting to fall back into a pattern of dating people back-to-back and I understood that. He said he doesn't want to get 6 months into something and regret not having single time. We discussed pumping the breaks for a few weeks. Bolded, just my take, but it seems like you were being very understanding, agreeable and accommodating to everything he was tossing out (including driving 45 min to see him and have sex him) believing it would eventually bring him closer. Endear you to him. And he would suddenly realize how madly in love with you he is and run off into sunset together on his big fat medical white horse. Apologies for the sarcasm, but I know many women who think this way, including myself at one point in time. But as you discovered, it didn't, the opposite happened. In his eyes, all your "niceness" reflects a woman with little self-respect, little self- esteem who lacks boundaries. He lost respect, the final nail in the coffin. . After all this, you even offered to wait for him. Wait for what, I don't know but the entire sitch sounds degrading and humiliating. I hope you will learn from this experience going forward and I'm sorry you got hurt. Edited July 16, 2022 by poppyfields
Alvi Posted July 16, 2022 Posted July 16, 2022 On 7/14/2022 at 8:55 PM, citygirl8741 said: Just before moving, and on date 5, he said it felt like on the scale of 1 to a relationship, we were already at a 7 and I agreed. Curious what he meant by that comment. So if on date 5, he feels like the relationship is on a Level 7, so what is Level 10 looks like to him? Did he mean that Level 10 is where the two of you get married, buy a house and start having kids? Or did he mean that Level 10 is a point of where the relationship has run it's natural course and and is over. And this is where he actually breaks it off. Latter one actually makes more sense since he pretty much dumped you on a date 6. This meant that he was hinting that the relationship is almost at the expiration level. Have you though about that and what he meant by assigning a number to your relationship.
smackie9 Posted July 16, 2022 Posted July 16, 2022 Someone who talks like this is in need of punting to the curb.
poppyfields Posted July 16, 2022 Posted July 16, 2022 Guys I don't think the OP is reading anymore, she hasn't even logged in since Thursday. Probably doesn't like our advice and is going to wait for him, it's a form of denial but much less painful than acknowledging the truth. I've been through it myself, it's not uncommon. Hoping I'm wrong and she returns with an update.
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