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Talking to a girl for 4 weeks, everything going really well then out of the blue she flipped?

Valor

By Valor
in Dating

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Valor Member

Valor

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2 hours ago, mark clemson said:

Believe that is the case with this particular woman. Sometimes (actually a lot of the time) it really is "them, not you".

Perhaps, but I guess I'm just going through everything..wondering if I tried acting a little more detached/not as interested would it have helped. I did follow her lead with emotions though. Not sure if that was the right call or not.

 

 

Edited by Valor
poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

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1 hour ago, Valor said:

I did follow her lead with emotions though. Not sure if that was the right call or not.

No I don't think it was the right call at all (I'm a woman).   Generally, most women don't enjoy or even want to lead.  

They prefer and become attracted to men who lead, who know how to lead.  Who possess that strength and confidence to know what to do leading the relationship in a healthy direction. 

It makes them feel safe and protected and that is a huge turn ON for most women. 

She led because you weren't and look where it got you?

She became ambivalent about her feelings, uncertain, floundering.

This is why it's best for the man to lead allowing women to follow your lead. 

It earns her respect and women cannot fall in love without having respect for a man first.  I hate to say but she may view you as weak. 

Just something to consider moving forward, learn to lead.  

Not in an overbearing dominant way but in a quiet respectful way. 

She will look up to you, admire you and respect you.  

And fall in love with you assuming the initial chemistry and energy was there to begin with. 

Edited by poppyfields
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Valor Member

Valor

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when I said lead, i mean I let her open up emotionally first. Everything else I took initiative with first. I was never the first to admit my feelings or anything like that. I like her say that she likes me first, that she misses me first. Then I said that once or twice and that was that.

 

FWIW I've always been told I am extremely confident. I don't think acting differently would have changed things, considering that she was nervous to kiss me for like the first few dates and told me it was cause of her bad past relationship. I just don't think she was emotionally available to begin with.

Edited by Valor
ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

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I agree, OP. I don't think anything you did (or didn't do) would really have changed the tide here. 

She has too much on her plate emotionally to be ready for a new partner. 

 

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Maldives Established Member

Maldives

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19 hours ago, Valor said:

Thanks for the replies.

 

She replied to me saying she was sick and may have covid and I wished her get well soon, then asked what's up with us and she said she feels things got too fast too soon, which I mean...I was following her lead. She still cant answer the question "so what's up with us" when I asked if she'd be willing the work it out, etc. She doesn't know what she wants, probably a mix of liking me and not being emotionally available. I'm pretty tired, so somehow I finessed a date with another girl for today haha... otherwise I'm just gonna focus on stuff I gotta do for myself personally. This girl is a total mess and can't communicate and is just all over the place. Perhaps she needs to figure out herself like others are saying and I'll just walk away.

 

Dating is really exhausting and I feel I keep meeting people who aren't emotionally available. IDK if I'm doing something wrong, I wonder if we didn't have sex wednesday would things have been better? If the sex was problem free would it have been better? IDK anymore man lol.

I had this issue and I'm the same as you it takes a while to get onboard and I need to get to know and feel comfortable with the woman then no issues. My last ex I explained this too and she was very patient and loving. I'd just thought I'd add that as context. Could be she thought you weren't attracted to her. She clearly doesn't know how to articulate what she's feeling or even knows for that fact. It's almost like she's talking it out to figure it out lol. 

mark clemson Established Member

mark clemson

Posted
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17 hours ago, Valor said:

Perhaps, but I guess I'm just going through everything..wondering if I tried acting a little more detached/not as interested would it have helped. I did follow her lead with emotions though. Not sure if that was the right call or not.

Keep in mind, with some people there is no "right call". The problem is them, and it doesn't really matter what you do. As you said earlier - you were going to lose her either way. This sounds like that sort of situation.

It was unfortunate that you got emotionally attached to this person, but I don't think this was ever destined to go long-term (and even if it was it sounds like she'd be a problematic partner). The sooner you're over her, the better IMO.

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Valor Member

Valor

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Yeah I am rather upset but I am trying to learn what I can from and move on. Kinda realized she was a bit all over the place to begin with, and told me things I should have picked up as red flags such as her having a rather rough past, her not feeling ready to have any intimacy right away, being worried of being hurt constantly. She also said she isn't very good at communicating BUT she did say she is working on that...(a lie!) and said that I was very good at it. I just let my guard down by week 3 cause she was saying she really cares and enjoys meeting me, etc, feels super safe with me.

 

For me, at the moment, I need to reflect and understand why I keep going out with emotionally unavailable women. I don't think my confidence is to blame, nor do I feel I move too fast I go with the flow and feel I am feeling it out okay, or not. Idk lol

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poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

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X

Edited by poppyfields
poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

Posted
Posted

Deleted.  OP answered in his previous post. 

ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

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1 hour ago, Valor said:

I just let my guard down by week 3 cause she was saying she really cares and enjoys meeting me, etc, feels super safe with me.

In the future, I would take this with a big grain of salt when you've been dating a grand total of 21 days. 

For someone who is so worried about getting hurt, she sure dove in head-first. Be wary of folks like this, who talk out both sides of their mouths. It's almost never a good sign. 

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Valor Member

Valor

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Yeah noted, I think for me I've been dating here and there since my last relationship and I think I've been good at protecting my feelings...for some reason this one felt completely different and I let my guard down totally. Maybe I don't know what a healthy dynamic is, and truth be told it's hard to see it cause most people don't either. Divorce rates are high for a reason.

smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

Posted
Posted
2 hours ago, Valor said:

Yeah noted, I think for me I've been dating here and there since my last relationship and I think I've been good at protecting my feelings...for some reason this one felt completely different and I let my guard down totally. Maybe I don't know what a healthy dynamic is, and truth be told it's hard to see it cause most people don't either. Divorce rates are high for a reason.

Dude count your blessings because you dodged a bullet. Knowledge is power...you walked away with a boat load of it.

Wiseman2 Established Member

Wiseman2

Posted
Posted
4 hours ago, Valor said:

For me, at the moment, I need to reflect and understand why I keep going out with emotionally unavailable women. 

Declutter. Make three piles: Yes.<<maybe>>. No.

Watch for deal-breakers and red flags early on. For example, in this case "I'm not into you" should have immediately put this one in the "no" pile. Then you move on to the maybes and yesses.

A "maybe" either has to move into the "yes" pile or "no" pile. It should not stay "maybe" pile indefinitely as in this case..

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Acacia98 Established Member

Acacia98

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Posted
On 7/15/2022 at 6:02 PM, Valor said:

Dting is really exhausting and I feel I keep meeting people who aren't emotionally available. IDK if I'm doing something wrong, 

I think most of us generally meet emotionally unavailable people. It's not just you. So that bit is normal and you shouldn't worry about it.

But you should be concerned about what you do after meeting them. Do you take the time to observe them, to notice red flags, and then to recognize that it's not worth your while to date them OR do you double down and date them despite the warning signs?

The better you become at recognizing their emotional unavailability and the slower you are to get emotionally attached, the less time you will spend in entanglements with them (hopefully). So you will still meet them, but you will be less likely to get burnt out.

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