Talking to a girl for 4 weeks, everything going really well then out of the blue she flipped?

July 14, 2022

For context we are both late 20s. We have been seeing each other for 4 weeks multiple times per week. We met randomly and hit it off and I just went with the flow and as of last week lots of feelings and discussions were shared and we had a discussion of exclusivity on Saturday. Told each other that we were only talking to each other and that we would be upset if that changed. On July 3rd we had sex for the first time, which was our 6th date and she slept over my place. All was normal and we felt comfortable with each other. I had some performance anxiety due to me having anxiety in general but luckily I was able to get past it. The second time we had sex was a bit more awkward, we were cuddling after going to the beach and I asked if she felt horny too and she giggled and said yeah and you can imagine where things went but I got nervous cause we tried new stuff and I got soft and it ruined the vibe and you could tell she was nervous as well. We discussed it and I told her that I really like her and I've always been like this at the start of a relationship(which is true) and with time and comfort, I will get over it and she said she understands and that she is nervous too and she doesn't think any less of me and wanted me to know that she cares about me and knows with time we can overcome it. So pretty supportive, then july 4th comes and we have our own plans with our respective friends and as I'm driving home she calls me asking her to pick her up. She was tipsy/slightly drunk so we didn't do anything sexual but I cuddled her and played with her hair like she likes and got her food and took her home when she was ready. It was just a chill, late night which she thanked me for both the same night and the following time I saw her.

We had a pretty "big" date this past Saturday(july 9th) that had us spending like 14 hours together. No sex, but she opened up more to me about her past relationships, how toxic her ex was and I listened to her. She told me a lot of nice things too, that she felt like as a person I encourage her to grow and she really values how I just like her for her and don't try to micromanage or control her like her ex did and it was very refreshing and she appreciates it. I just told her that's really nice to hear and I'm glad she feels like she can be herself around me.

Come Monday, I notice she has been a bit weird with texting so I ask if everything is okay and she tells me she doesn't know. She said the second time we had sex was weird for her(the situation where I couldn't finish) and feels like she thinks I only think she wants me for sex and I said that's silly and I know she likes me and I told her I'd never want her to feel that way. She told me I invited her over and it just felt like it was for sex but she agreed to it and went with it and then when I mentioned that, she said how it isn't my fault or i didn't do anything wrong and she just needs time to collect her feelings and she'll text me about it thursday and we can talk and not to worry(whatever that means)

I'm not really sure to expect. Like is this over...? She opened up to me more after having sex and began talking about doing stuff together as a couple and I was open to it and it seems like she retracted her feelings suddenly and sharply. She said that she doesn't know how to talk about not getting over our awkward sex situation so is distancing herself, and it almost feels like she doesn't know what she wants or felt she moved to fast with things? I feel like the level of communication right now is all over the place, and I'm waiting for her to let me know what she wants to do but it's kinda emotionally draining. My friend said to end it and not wait for her, since she seems a bit immature and all over the place and cant even articulate her thoughts and it won't get better in a relationship if it does work out. I feel he's kinda right, cause even if she wants to stay together this was def a huge blow to how I viewed our relationship. I've been pretty open and descriptive with what I feel inside. Not to mention she's been the one to say she likes me first, miss me etc, all this "cute" stuff and then totally flop.. I feel I'm getting the short end of the stick.

If she doesn't reach out by today, I was thinking maybe just texting her tomorrow or Saturday "Hey, just wanted to check in. Hope everything's okay" since it comes across as not requiring a response. My other friend to just forget her and move on, think it's unfair how she's acting. I'm kinda in that boat - I can accept she needs time and risk my feelings or review the situation without emotions and understand that she's being a bit much. She doesn't seem or know how to communicate feelings and if I am able to express myself concisely and clearly, then I shouldn't get in a relationship that can't offer me that as well. My ex couldn't communicate at all and just bottle things up. She'd cuddle up to me and tell me how much she loves me, appreciates me and then BLOW UP a few days later about an issue I had no idea existed and she'd be angry as heck because she let it ferment in her head for days... I definitely do not want that again.

Any other recs? man this stinks

Edited July 14, 2022 by HurtByLove223

July 14, 2022

3 hours ago, HurtByLove223 said:

For context we are both late 20s. We have been seeing each other for 4 weeks multiple times per week. she opened up more to me about her past relationships, how toxic her ex was and I listened to her. She told me a lot of nice things too, that she felt like as a person I encourage her to grow and she really values how I just like her for her and don't try to micromanage or control her like her ex did and it was very refreshing and she appreciates it. I just told her that's really nice to hear and I'm glad she feels like she can be herself around me.

Sorry this is happening. How long ago did she break up with her ex? Talking about an ex and comparing is a red flag. There is an element of oversaturation with too much too soon that could cause her to feel overwhelmed. She may be on/off or still talking to the ex. Just wait until she reaches out and don't bring up the performance anxiety again.

July 14, 2022

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. How long ago did she break up with her ex? Talking about an ex and comparing is a red flag. There is an element of oversaturation with too much too soon that could cause her to feel overwhelmed. She may be on/off or still talking to the ex. Just wait until she reaches out and don't bring up the performance anxiety again.

She is actually divorced, and she got divorced a year and some change ago They were married for 4 months and she couldn't handle it since her ex-husband was an alcoholic.. they dated for like 7-9 years before getting married I believe since she was 18-19.

5 months ago, she was with another guy and got pregnant and got an abortion. She said it was a very short relationship, like 1-2 months max. She told me ever since then she has been more reserved but felt super comfortable near me and like being around me. She opened up about this fact on our last big date, while telling me she felt I helped her grow etc, she told me more about the guy from 5 months and how toxic and controlling and jealous he would get and stuff.

Are you suggesting, if she doesn't text me later, I don't text her tomorrow and wait for her to reach out? We last spoke..Tuesday. I could share the texts of what she said last, no idea what it meant. Don't wanna be too imposing but it's also not fair to me to be held as an emotional hostage during this period of no talking. I don't how to feel, if I should begin to move on or hold onto hope..

EDIT: Also she said she doesn't keep in contact with her exes and she said she was only talking to me so *shrug*

Edited July 14, 2022 by HurtByLove223

July 14, 2022

4 hours ago, HurtByLove223 said:

She told me a lot of nice things too, that she felt like as a person I encourage her to grow and she really values how I just like her for her and don't try to micromanage or control her like her ex did and it was very refreshing and she appreciates it.

I hate to be the bearer of bad news but despite how "controlling" her ex was or how he "micromanaged" her, she's still in love with him. No question in my mind about that.

I would advise you to stop seeing her for this reason. While I am sure she appreciates that you treat her kinder and with more respect, she doesn't have the same "feels" for you as she does for him.

Nothing good or positive will come of this and going forward, any time a woman you begin dating brings up her ex, or worse starts comparing you with her ex, no matter how toxic he was or their relationship was, wish her well and move on.

It's one of the biggest red flags out there, if not THE biggest.

In fact, this may be hard to digest but for some women (and I myself am a woman saying this) it may have been all the drama and the toxic nature of HIM and their relationship that hooked her in so deeply.

Sadly, that's how these things go sometimes.

Please don't think your kindness and understanding is going to change this; once a woman gets hooked into that type of crazy drama and toxicity, her logical brain may try to convince her to get away, but emotionally it's extremely difficult to move on from.

You may need to experience this a few times with women for you to truly understand it.

I'm sorry.

Edited July 14, 2022 by poppyfields

July 14, 2022

35 minutes ago, HurtByLove223 said:

They were married for 4 months and she couldn't handle it since her ex-husband was an alcoholic

5 months ago, she was with another guy and got pregnant and got an abortion. She said it was a very short relationship, like 1-2 months max.

A lot of red flags. Particularly an unplanned preganacy with a casual 2 mo. ex, a 4 mo. marriage. She at the center of this impulsive behavior and very poor choices. So whatever happens proceed with caution. If she flakes, you may have dodged a bullet.

July 14, 2022

18 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I hate to be the bearer of bad news but despite how "controlling" her ex was or how he "micromanaged" her, she's still in love with him. No question in my mind about that.

I would advise you to stop seeing her for this reason. While I am sure she appreciates that you treat her kinder and with more respect, she doesn't have the same "feels" for you as she does for him.

Nothing good or positive will come of this and going forward, any time a woman you begin dating brings up her ex, or worse starts comparing you with her ex, no matter how toxic he was or their relationship was, wish her well and move on.

It's one of the biggest red flags out there, if not THE biggest.

In fact, this may be hard to digest but for some women (and I myself am a woman saying this) it may have been all the drama and the toxic nature of HIM and their relationship that hooked her in so deeply.

Sadly, that's how these things go sometimes.

Please don't think your kindness and understanding is going to change this; once a woman gets hooked into that type of crazy drama and toxicity, her logical brain may try to convince her to get away, but emotionally it's extremely difficult to move on from.

You may need to experience this a few times with women for you to truly understand it.

I'm sorry.

Definitely valid, but I personally didn't pick up as comparisons as bad. I have mentioned my ex a few times as well, not because I miss her, but because I took that time to grow as a person and understand I am worth more than what I've tolerated in the past. I hope that doesn't come across as a red flag to girls..

July 14, 2022

5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

A lot of red flags. Particularly an unplanned preganacy with a casual 2 mo. ex, a 4 mo. marriage. She at the center of this impulsive behavior and very poor choices. So whatever happens proceed with caution. If she flakes, you may have dodged a bullet.

Normally I'd agree, but I always give the benefit of the doubt. I felt the marriage was rushed, but it was a year ago...I know a year ago i was A LOT more immature than I am now so I always give the benefit of the doubt.

I mean the abortion was sketchy, but accidents happen. I feel I can't judge...but I'm uneasy with how things are.

July 14, 2022

33 minutes ago, HurtByLove223 said:

Definitely valid, but I personally didn't pick up as comparisons as bad. I have mentioned my ex a few times as well, not because I miss her, but because I took that time to grow as a person and understand I am worth more than what I've tolerated in the past. I hope that doesn't come across as a red flag to girls..

Think about though. You're dating a new woman and she's talking about her EX, comparing you to her EX. What does that tell you?

It should tell you that she's thinking about her EX instead of thinking about YOU, which is what you should want.

I can tell you from experience that whenever I have been highly romantically interested in a man, my EX does not even cross my mind.

I am 100% focused on my NEW man at least during the very early stages when infatuation is at a high level.

On the other hand, when I am feeling meh or on the fence, despite how nice and caring the new man is and how well he treats me, I will begin thinking about my ex, talking about him, comparing the new man to him.

For me, when tables are turned and a man began talking about his ex, especially in a negative way, it's a turn off and dealbreaker. It suggests he hasn't moved on and I'm not moving forward with him under those circumstances.

Also what you posted about the short-lived relationship where she got pregnant and an abortion. My guess is that was another highly-charged situation filled with drama resulting in an unwanted pregnancy and abortion.

This girl is attracted to drama. Again logically she may know she shouldn't be, but most women are driven by their emotions and they take precedence no matter how unhealthy. I am speaking about some women, certainly not all.

However, she sounds like one of these women from the little you've posted about her.

I really do think you would be wise to move on from this girl and going forward try and refrain from discussing ex's with new women you meet and date. Yes it's a red flag and turn off.

Edited July 14, 2022 by poppyfields

July 14, 2022

51 minutes ago, HurtByLove223 said:

Definitely valid, but I personally didn't pick up as comparisons as bad. I have mentioned my ex a few times as well, not because I miss her, but because I took that time to grow as a person and understand I am worth more than what I've tolerated in the past. I hope that doesn't come across as a red flag to girls..

I don't pick the comparisons up as bad either. I arguably compared my ex too much when I met my now husband - mostly because I couldn't believe how much better my life was without him in it. Great sex, great fun, great connection. The only feelings I had towards my ex were those of relief to be away.

Given the connection you've been feeling, if I were you, I'd reach out with the 'checking in' text.

July 14, 2022

1 hour ago, HurtByLove223 said:

I feel I can't judge...but I'm uneasy with how things are.

It's not about judging, it's about observation and judgment. Meaning what you are seeing and if there are red flags, take note.

July 14, 2022

9 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Great sex, great fun, great connection. The only feelings I had towards my ex were those of relief to be away.

Fair enough, but that's not what's happening here from what I read.

They haven't had great sex, she's hot and cold and while he may feel a great connection, it takes two to make a great connection and hers is questionable.

All that combined with lamenting about her controlling ex, I'm not sensing good vibes here.

Just my read on it, I hope I'm wrong.

Edited July 14, 2022 by poppyfields

July 14, 2022

dude....she's totally broken with that kind of baggage. She's acting weird because she's not ready to get close to anyone. Your friend is right, it's time to make a break for it.

July 14, 2022

Too much too soon.

Is it possible that the performance anxiety could be causing her to worry that you aren't interested in her, or that you aren't attracted to her? That seems to be what she alluded to in your writings.

If that is what she believes, then her fears are her own, and projecting her insecurities and anxieties onto you isn't fair.

It does however, leave her in a difficult position to deal with them.

In other words, if she left an ex who was controlling and jealous, then I can assure you that she is lacking in the confidence department.

This is evident by her subsequent actions with you and other relationships you mention.

Edited July 14, 2022 by Alpacalia

July 14, 2022

7 hours ago, HurtByLove223 said:

She told me I invited her over and it just felt like it was for sex but she agreed to it and went with it and then when I mentioned that, she said how it isn't my fault or i didn't do anything wrong and we can talk she just needs time to collect her feelings and she'll text me about it thursday and not to worry (whatever that means)

Just had another read of your initial post and missed this^ the first time.

Again just my take but she is sensing you are way more into her than she is into you, it's making her uncomfortable and causing her to lose interest and attraction.

The "not to worry" means not to worry about her ending things, when in truth that is probably what is going to happen. She was temporarily appeasing you.

She's just not into it, again I hope I'm wrong but I don't think I am.

Good luck though, let us know.

July 15, 2022

I don't think this woman is ready for a relationship, OP.

She's been through a lot in the past year or so, and I doubt she's had time to fully process all of that. I would not hold your breath here. I'm sorry.

July 15, 2022

6 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I don't think this woman is ready for a relationship, OP.

She's been through a lot in the past year or so, and I doubt she's had time to fully process all of that. I would not hold your breath here. I'm sorry.

I share this assessment, OP. She's been through a lot. She needs to take time away from dating to process it.

July 15, 2022

Thanks for the replies.

She replied to me saying she was sick and may have covid and I wished her get well soon, then asked what's up with us and she said she feels things got too fast too soon, which I mean...I was following her lead. She still cant answer the question "so what's up with us" when I asked if she'd be willing the work it out, etc. She doesn't know what she wants, probably a mix of liking me and not being emotionally available. I'm pretty tired, so somehow I finessed a date with another girl for today haha... otherwise I'm just gonna focus on stuff I gotta do for myself personally. This girl is a total mess and can't communicate and is just all over the place. Perhaps she needs to figure out herself like others are saying and I'll just walk away.

Dating is really exhausting and I feel I keep meeting people who aren't emotionally available. IDK if I'm doing something wrong, I wonder if we didn't have sex wednesday would things have been better? If the sex was problem free would it have been better? IDK anymore man lol.

Edited July 15, 2022 by HurtByLove223

July 15, 2022

While it's easier said than done, I wouldn't beat yourself up over "how you played things". As pretty much everyone above is pointing out, this woman seems to have signficant dysfunctional tendencies, probably exacerbated by bad relationships. A lot of the "issues" are on her side and there is probably actually no way to avoid them.

You seem to have grown attached to her, but I'd suggest you consider this a "bullet dodged" instead, and look for someone better.

I'm not sure how to address the issue of meeting/picking dysfunctional women. It certainly seems to be out there (and dysfunctional men as well). However, while nobody's perfect, you will probably land on someone a bit better if you keep trying.

July 15, 2022

51 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

While it's easier said than done, I wouldn't beat yourself up over "how you played things". As pretty much everyone above is pointing out, this woman seems to have signficant dysfunctional tendencies, probably exacerbated by bad relationships. A lot of the "issues" are on her side and there is probably actually no way to avoid them.

You seem to have grown attached to her, but I'd suggest you consider this a "bullet dodged" instead, and look for someone better.

I'm not sure how to address the issue of meeting/picking dysfunctional women. It certainly seems to be out there (and dysfunctional men as well). However, while nobody's perfect, you will probably land on someone a bit better if you keep trying.

it seems like I was going to lose either way sadly.

July 15, 2022

1 hour ago, HurtByLove223 said:

then asked what's up with us and she said she feels things got too fast too soon, which I mean...I was following her lead. She still cant answer the question "so what's up with us" when I asked if she'd be willing the work it out, etc. She doesn't know what she wants, probably a mix of liking me and not being emotionally available.

First bolded: Many women dislike confrontation and saying "no" directly. So they become evasive, elusive and give hints. Expecting that you will figure it out so they don't have to directly reject.

Second bold: You've got it backwards.

She is not that into you and therefore emotionally unavailable to you.

I don't envision this ending well, and if you were smart and respected yourself, you wouid walk away now before she becomes repulsed (which is not uncommon in situations like this) and ends it herself, in a not very nice way.

I'm sorry.

Edited July 15, 2022 by poppyfields

July 15, 2022

3 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

First bolded: Many women dislike confrontation and saying "no" directly. So they become evasive, elusive and give hints. Expecting that you will figure it out so they don't have to directly reject.

Second bold: You've got it backwards.

She is not that into you and therefore emotionally unavailable to you.

I don't envision this ending well, and if you were smart and respected yourself, you wouid walk away now before she becomes repulsed (which is not uncommon in situations like this where the man doesn't seem to "get it") and ends it herself.

I'm sorry.

I already mentioned I will walk away. I'm over this and it's too exhausting. No point stressing for someone who isn't 100% about you.

It's just funny she was the one talking about feelings first lol. Maybe love bombing? who knows. I was cool with taking it slow...whatever.

Regardless I don't think I could have "won" in the situation...she is all over the place and can't communicate what she wants. Even her text earlier today was different than what she said. I'm not gonna hold out hope for this.

Edited July 15, 2022 by Valor

July 15, 2022

Deleted, I think I figured this out (re OP's usernames).

Edited July 15, 2022 by poppyfields

July 15, 2022

Just now, Valor said:

I already mentioned I will walk away. I'm over this and it's too exhausting. No point stressing for someone who isn't 100% about you.

Apologies, lesson learned for me to read more closely.

You're doing the right thing mate.

Wish you all the best.

July 15, 2022

13 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Apologies, lesson learned for me to read more closely.

You're doing the right thing mate.

Wish you all the best.

Yeah no worries and yeah I changed my username to something more..interesting.

I didn't formally end it but I just put the phone down and am just gonna try and forget about it. I have some stuff to do so I'll divert attention to that and hang with friends later.

July 15, 2022

2 hours ago, Valor said:

it seems like I was going to lose either way sadly.

Believe that is the case with this particular woman. Sometimes (actually a lot of the time) it really is "them, not you".

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Talking to a girl for 4 weeks, everything going really well then out of the blue she flipped?

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