Alvi Posted July 14, 2022 Posted July 14, 2022 OK, so I went on a date with a guy that I've met on a dating site. We agreed to meet for a coffee at the coffee place at the Mall. Actually, he said that he is going to meet me outside of the coffee shop by its entrance. So, I came on time and waited and waited and waited. About 15 minutes later, I figured that he was not going to show up and went inside to get a cup of coffee for myself. And lo and behold, he was sitting at one of the tables drinking a coffee. I thought it was strange how he was just sitting there, while we were supposed to meet outside. Anyway, he didn't stand up to greet me. He didn't say hello to me at all. I I went to his table and asked if he was "Ryan." It was definitely strange. I sat down and he asked me if I want to order something. I said yes, I would like to order a cup of coffee for myself. He told me to have a sit (I was already sitting, lol) and that he is going to buy me a coffee. I said, no, let's go to the counter together. He gave me a funny look and so we went. He insisted on paying. The date was OK. No fireworks but we got to chat with each other. He asked me out again today but I am unsure. I don't know why he didn't meet me outside of the coffee place as he said and why would he not stand up to greet me. And why did he get upset when I told him that I want to go to the counter with him to get my coffee. Why did he want to go there alone? I found it a bit (actually a lot) unusual.
Brian1223 Posted July 14, 2022 Posted July 14, 2022 Some people are just weird... I would next, and not worry about psychoanalyzing this behavior
Alpacalia Posted July 14, 2022 Posted July 14, 2022 (edited) On a first date, a warm and courteous greeting goes a long way. He didn't seem particularly attuned. Maybe he was nervous or he lacks social skills. Feel free to call it a one-and-done if you're not feeling it. Edited July 14, 2022 by Alpacalia
basil67 Posted July 14, 2022 Posted July 14, 2022 Sorry it didn't work out. In answer to your questions 1. He may not have remembered that the plan was to meet outside. 2. He may no know that it's customary to stand when a date arrives 3. Did he get upset when you insisted on going to the counter with him? You only said that he gave you a funny look. I'm wondering why you insisted on going with him rather than allowing him to get you a coffee on his own. Were you concerned he'd spike it? 1
Maldives Posted July 14, 2022 Posted July 14, 2022 (edited) 5 hours ago, Alvi said: OK, so I went on a date with a guy that I've met on a dating site. We agreed to meet for a coffee at the coffee place at the Mall. Actually, he said that he is going to meet me outside of the coffee shop by its entrance. So, I came on time and waited and waited and waited. About 15 minutes later, I figured that he was not going to show up and went inside to get a cup of coffee for myself. And lo and behold, he was sitting at one of the tables drinking a coffee. I thought it was strange how he was just sitting there, while we were supposed to meet outside. Anyway, he didn't stand up to greet me. He didn't say hello to me at all. I I went to his table and asked if he was "Ryan." It was definitely strange. I sat down and he asked me if I want to order something. I said yes, I would like to order a cup of coffee for myself. He told me to have a sit (I was already sitting, lol) and that he is going to buy me a coffee. I said, no, let's go to the counter together. He gave me a funny look and so we went. He insisted on paying. The date was OK. No fireworks but we got to chat with each other. He asked me out again today but I am unsure. I don't know why he didn't meet me outside of the coffee place as he said and why would he not stand up to greet me. And why did he get upset when I told him that I want to go to the counter with him to get my coffee. Why did he want to go there alone? I found it a bit (actually a lot) unusual. Maybe he just didn't see you outside. I think you might be overthinking this. I'm wondering about your own behaviour. If something small like this ticks you off are you really ready for a relationship? Edited July 14, 2022 by Goodguy05 2
Wiseman2 Posted July 14, 2022 Posted July 14, 2022 7 hours ago, Alvi said: . The date was OK. No fireworks This along with his clueless behavior is a good reason to cut your losses, tell him you're not a match and delete and block him. Preventing burnout is crucial in OLD. That means screening out dead weight early on so you have the time and energy to invest in more viable candidates.
Gaeta Posted July 14, 2022 Posted July 14, 2022 (edited) Something similar happenned to me once. I got to the coffee place and the guy had ordered his coffee and a meal without waiting for me. We were supposed to meet for a coffee only and there he was eating a full meal. I walked to his table, he didn't get up. It was an awkward moment. I said I'll get myself a coffee. While waiting in line to get my coffee I changed my mind. I went back to the table and told him he's not the gentleman I'm looking for and good luck and I left. Apparently I am the very first woman to tell him he was rude. Life went on and I got to meet a man that waited for me, pulled my chair, paid the coffee and walked me to my car afterward. Edited July 14, 2022 by Gaeta 1 1
Ami1uwant Posted July 14, 2022 Posted July 14, 2022 10 hours ago, Alvi said: OK, so I went on a date with a guy that I've met on a dating site. We agreed to meet for a coffee at the coffee place at the Mall. Actually, he said that he is going to meet me outside of the coffee shop by its entrance. So, I came on time and waited and waited and waited. About 15 minutes later, I figured that he was not going to show up and went inside to get a cup of coffee for myself. And lo and behold, he was sitting at one of the tables drinking a coffee. I thought it was strange how he was just sitting there, while we were supposed to meet outside. Anyway, he didn't stand up to greet me. He didn't say hello to me at all. I I went to his table and asked if he was "Ryan." It was definitely strange. I sat down and he asked me if I want to order something. I said yes, I would like to order a cup of coffee for myself. He told me to have a sit (I was already sitting, lol) and that he is going to buy me a coffee. I said, no, let's go to the counter together. He gave me a funny look and so we went. He insisted on paying. The date was OK. No fireworks but we got to chat with each other. He asked me out again today but I am unsure. I don't know why he didn't meet me outside of the coffee place as he said and why would he not stand up to greet me. And why did he get upset when I told him that I want to go to the counter with him to get my coffee. Why did he want to go there alone? I found it a bit (actually a lot) unusual. He could have forgotten he said to meet outside…especially if it’s a regular place he goes to. he might have wanted to be the “ gentleman” and bring you your coffee 1
introverted1 Posted July 14, 2022 Posted July 14, 2022 I think you are reading a lot into things. Why didn't you look inside when you got there, in the event he'd forgotten about meeting outside? As for him wanting to buy you a coffee, this seems like standard first meet etiquette. You arrived and he did the gentlemanly thing of asking if you would like to order something and got up to get it for you. I think his "funny look" was probably surprise that you felt you had to escort him to the counter. 2
smackie9 Posted July 14, 2022 Posted July 14, 2022 It depends on your expectations...if you can let it slide let it slide...me, I believe first impressions count! I like a man to put his best foot forward, be a gentleman, dress nice, smell good, neat and tidy appearance....and has good manners! I don't expect him to pay but I do expect being there on time looking for me. This guy failed on so many points..*bleck* 1
Alpacalia Posted July 14, 2022 Posted July 14, 2022 (edited) It could very well just be that he forgot to meet you outside. No biggie. I'm just going by the fact that it's usual for me to arrive early on my dates, so I usually greet him as he enters. Rather than saying hello, he asked you to sit down. And you were already sitting down. Like, what's up with that? Edited July 14, 2022 by Alpacalia
glows Posted July 15, 2022 Posted July 15, 2022 On 7/13/2022 at 7:04 PM, Alvi said: He asked me out again today but I am unsure. Regarding your conversations, did it flow or did you have anything in common? Is this a person you would be interested in seeing again? I may be watching too many comedies lately but the cynic in me wants to have a laugh too or find humour in the situation and I imagine you're not the first person he's met at the coffee shop that day. I don't know why you both have to get up to buy coffee but can see safety being an issue with a stranger buying you coffee or a drink. Basil asked if you were worried about him putting something in your drink. What I do is buy coffee on the way in myself and I'm usually early. I don't wait for the other person to buy me coffee or the other way around especially if we have not met before. He seems awkward overall but if your conversations were fine, see how it goes. 1
Author Alvi Posted July 15, 2022 Author Posted July 15, 2022 (edited) On 7/14/2022 at 1:10 AM, basil67 said: 1. He may not have remembered that the plan was to meet outside. Could be, who knows. But I did message him on Sunday morning to confirm that we are meeting outside of ABS place at whatever time and he said yes. On 7/14/2022 at 1:10 AM, basil67 said: 2. He may no know that it's customary to stand when a date arrives I am finding more and more that manners are a thing of a past nowadays. Not just when it comes to dating but in a normal everyday activities. But it is not only that, he actually saw me approaching him and didn't wave at me or anything. He kept looking at me as I was approaching his table, so I think that he recognized me but was just nonchalantly sipping from his coffee cup. On 7/14/2022 at 1:10 AM, basil67 said: 3. Did he get upset when you insisted on going to the counter with him? You only said that he gave you a funny look. I'm wondering why you insisted on going with him rather than allowing him to get you a coffee on his own. Were you concerned he'd spike it? Perhaps upset is a wrong word here. At fist it was a strange look but then he looked like he was disappointed? I don't know what he was thinking, this is how looked like to me. I don't claim to be right, maybe I did misread his facial expression. It was so fast and, without knowing a person well, sometimes it is difficult to say how he or she feels. Maybe he thought I was weird or too bossy, lol. Actually, you are right. I am worried about him spiking it up. I know, I am in my mid-forties. Who on earth is going to spike a drink for a middle aged woman? But in my younger days, when I was 22 years old, I believe, a total stranger spiked up my drink. I went to a bar with my cousin and her boyfriend. I don't drink alcohol but she asked me to come and so I did. She was too busy with her BF and didn't pay me any attention so I was practically sitting all alone. Then some guy came and started chatting with me. He asked to buy me a drink and told him, sure, get me a soda. He told me not to get up and that he is going to bring it to me (just like this guy that I had a date with). Luckily, I didn't drink anything because another girl at that bar took me aside and told me that she was him putting something in my drink. So, I left and took a cab home. On my way out, he kept asking me to go to his car. So, yeah, ever since I am very guarded when it comes to food or drinks. Perhaps this sounds paranoid, but better be safe than sorry. I am not saying that my date had any bad intentions but this is something that is always going to stay with me. Edited July 15, 2022 by Alvi 1
Author Alvi Posted July 15, 2022 Author Posted July 15, 2022 On 7/14/2022 at 6:53 AM, introverted1 said: Why didn't you look inside when you got there, in the event he'd forgotten about meeting outside? Don't know why. I thought that we are meeting outside so didn't think to check inside a coffee shop.
Author Alvi Posted July 15, 2022 Author Posted July 15, 2022 On 7/14/2022 at 4:13 AM, Gaeta said: Something similar happenned to me once. I got to the coffee place and the guy had ordered his coffee and a meal without waiting for me. We were supposed to meet for a coffee only and there he was eating a full meal. I walked to his table, he didn't get up. It was an awkward moment. I said I'll get myself a coffee. While waiting in line to get my coffee I changed my mind. I went back to the table and told him he's not the gentleman I'm looking for and good luck and I left. Apparently I am the very first woman to tell him he was rude. Life went on and I got to meet a man that waited for me, pulled my chair, paid the coffee and walked me to my car afterward. Yes, I felt very awkward too. Like I mentioned above, he saw me approaching him (obviously recognized me) but didn't even bother to wave at me. Didn't greet me when I was at his table. Just sat there drinking his darn coffee. That entire thing was a turn off to be honest. I was contemplating leaving but decided to give it a chance. 18 hours ago, smackie9 said: It depends on your expectations...if you can let it slide let it slide...me, I believe first impressions count! I like a man to put his best foot forward, be a gentleman, dress nice, smell good, neat and tidy appearance....and has good manners! I don't expect him to pay but I do expect being there on time looking for me. This guy failed on so many points..*bleck* Yes, manners are very important to me. Maybe he was nervous, know knows. But it felt like he wasn't even trying at all. I am not saying that he has to do something extraordinary to impress me or anything like that. But saying hello and standing up to greet your date should be customary. He is a full time dad of two young children, so he must know a thing or two about matters (otherwise, what is he teaching them?)
Author Alvi Posted July 15, 2022 Author Posted July 15, 2022 8 hours ago, glows said: Regarding your conversations, did it flow or did you have anything in common? Is this a person you would be interested in seeing again? It was OK, few silences. But generally speaking it was just OK. We talked about our work and our hobbies. He talked about his kids a bit and since I don't have any children myself, I can't say I can relate. That's the thing. I don't know if I acutely want to see him again. I woke up this morning with a very meh kind of feelings towards him. Maybe his lack of basic manners put me off, I don't know. Or maybe I did not feel the spark in general. I don't know if I want to date someone who has young kids to be perfectly honest. We are supposed to meet tomorrow evening to play mini golf but I am inclined to cancel it now. But at the same time, I am thinking about seeing him again to see how it goes second time maybe.
Author Alvi Posted July 15, 2022 Author Posted July 15, 2022 18 hours ago, Alpacalia said: It could very well just be that he forgot to meet you outside. No biggie. I'm just going by the fact that it's usual for me to arrive early on my dates, so I usually greet him as he enters. Rather than saying hello, he asked you to sit down. And you were already sitting down. Like, what's up with that? Exactly, ha ha ha. I am thinking that he was nervous. But I don't know, I am only guessing. 1
Valor Posted July 15, 2022 Posted July 15, 2022 That's so strange, I'd personally never talk to them again. 1
Versacehottie Posted July 15, 2022 Posted July 15, 2022 (edited) 32 minutes ago, Alvi said: We are supposed to meet tomorrow evening to play mini golf but I am inclined to cancel it now. But at the same time, I am thinking about seeing him again to see how it goes second time maybe. Well that sounds like a fun activity. Maybe in a more fun environment, the awkwardness will go away. Even the fact that mini golf was his suggestion for a second date, I think you should give it a chance. What is the worst that can happen? You make a friend and have CERTAINTY if you decide not to move forward with him. I think you guys both could have been more flexible in your thinking of how the coffee date "should" have unfolded. Idk, I would at a minimum challenge yourself to just express the best of yourself without only judging every little thing happening. You can assess afterward when alone. Think of how much better it would make a date and make you feel if you gave the best of yourself just because that is just how YOU are. This is a skill and practice that you can take to a date that matters to you, you know? I think in life often if you bring the best of yourself to anything, it can change the tone of anything. (not saying you didn't but you sound cautious and/or tentative enough in recounting this that it is a possibility). Who cares if the guy is a dud? You are there on the date and why not be your vibrant self? However you are on the date also sends a message back to yourself regarding your worth, what you can pull etc etc. I absolutely think you should go to mini-golf. Perhaps change what sort of expectations you have. I think the judging/assessing ones (while obviously a huge part of dating) might be causing you to overthink and not get the best out of dating, either in the results or practice for yourself. I'm not even considering whether this guy is right for you or not--he could be or stats might bear out and he might not be (just because not everyone is right for everyone). I just think you could change your approach slightly that will benefit you. I could be wrong but if you are handling dating like this example, you are bound to get burnt out. Maybe think of it like this: this is one hour in terms of the coffee date or longer in terms of the mini golf date that is purely about fun and someone wanting to get to know me and me getting to express the best of myself---no matter WHAT happens. It's sort of freeing and empowering to approach it like that. Good luck Edited July 15, 2022 by Versacehottie 1
Acacia98 Posted July 15, 2022 Posted July 15, 2022 On 7/14/2022 at 5:04 AM, Alvi said: I thought it was strange how he was just sitting there, while we were supposed to meet outside. Anyway, he didn't stand up to greet me. He didn't say hello to me at all. Did you mention to him that you'd been waiting outside for 15 minutes because he'd said you should meet there? I'd have been curious to hear his reason for not waiting. I mean, ordinarily, I'd give him the benefit of the doubt and say maybe he forgot. But then he went on to greet you with silence when you approached him. I find that social skills matter to me. So I wouldn't go out on a date with him again. On 7/14/2022 at 1:13 PM, Gaeta said: Something similar happenned to me once. I got to the coffee place and the guy had ordered his coffee and a meal without waiting for me. We were supposed to meet for a coffee only and there he was eating a full meal. I walked to his table, he didn't get up. It was an awkward moment. That would be awkward, lol. I realize it is rude. But I would perhaps be forgiving of the ordering of food thingy because some folks simply can't function without food in the stomach and it's possible that for whatever reason, he'd not had the opportunity to eat earlier in the day. But in that case, he should have mentioned it to you, not just left it hanging in the air.
Alpacalia Posted July 15, 2022 Posted July 15, 2022 2 hours ago, Alvi said: But at the same time, I am thinking about seeing him again to see how it goes second time maybe. My curiosity is piqued about how this is going to turn out.
Weezy1973 Posted July 15, 2022 Posted July 15, 2022 So much angst over an online first date. No wonder people burn out. Seriously he’s either a yes, no, or maybe. If he’s a no, don’t see him again. If he’s a yes or a maybe go ahead and see him again. Like seriously it’s just a date. You’re not marrying the guy. If he turns out to be a dud on the second date, no big loss. 2
smackie9 Posted July 16, 2022 Posted July 16, 2022 For me this guy is a big fat NO. Girl know your worth.
Wiseman2 Posted July 16, 2022 Posted July 16, 2022 On 7/15/2022 at 12:27 PM, Alvi said: I don't know if I acutely want to see him again. Or maybe I did not feel the spark in general. I don't know if I want to date someone who has young kids to be perfectly honest. We are supposed to meet tomorrow evening to play mini golf but I am inclined to cancel it now. But at the same time, I am thinking about seeing him again to see how it goes second time maybe. That's ok. A second date may elucidate things. However rule out your deal breakers early on. It cuts down on the burnout of 1000s of coffee dates with improbably prospects.
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