Ex-girlfriend (F35) was separating me (M32)from my friends and family. but I still sort of want to go back and make it work.

[Scottr080]

I (M32) just left my girlfriend (F35) of around 1 year, for a number of reasons, but the main one being that for the past year, she had been isolating me from my friends and family, citing COVID concerns. When we first started dating, I basically 'yes-and'-ed her requests to not go to social gatherings indoors with too many people, because she had a medical condition that (in MY opinion) gave her pretty significant PTSD. So for the past year, whenever my family or friends were planning an event, my options were either not to go, or to go, but then not see my gf for 5-6 days afterwards. This became a problem when I would only see her on the weekends, so going to a gathering would mean that I basically wouldn't see her for the better part of 2 weeks. So I just sort of stopped going to events. Eventually my Aunt and Uncle asked my cousin if I was alright, because they went from seeing me a few times per month, to a few times per year, now. She was pretty upset when she heard that they were asking about me, without coming to me directly, to the point where she demanded that I sit down my aunt and uncle, and essentially confront them and tell them that "I'm fine", and "I'm happy". She was lukewarm towards my friends and family to begin with, which was pretty tough, I want everyone to get along.

Move-forward to two months ago - after a few months of her looking for her own apartment, she suggested that we move in together, and although I was pretty adamant that 11 months was too early for something like that, I eventually gave in, and decided that we could give it a trial run at the new apartment while I still had my lease at my old/current apartment. We had an understanding that if it didn't work out, it was at least an apartment that she could pay for on her own. She said that if I wanted to go to a gathering, she would just stay at her parents' place for a few days while I stay at the apartment. No big deal, I thought, as her parents were right down the road, and she spends a lot of her time there anyway.

After about 3 weeks of living together, I was feeling pretty smothered, and I told her I wanted to move out, which was also a "I want out of this relationship" conversation. During the breakup, I told her that I resented her for making me feel isolated from my support system, and then I didn't feel the same way about COVID as she did anymore.

She told me that she was really sorry, and didn't realize what she was doing, and that she would give me breathing room, going forward, and would even ease up on her COVID concerns, meaning that I didn't have to wear masks in public places or at work anymore (which I was doing on her request). By that point, I sort of feel like the damage was done, so I left anyway.

It's been one month now, since we've been together. I think about her every day still, and I constantly wonder if she would have really changed like she said, or if I should just be happy that I was able to work up the courage to get out. I feel so guilty that I left her alone in that apartment, and that I essentially just presented her with a toned-down version of myself, because I wanted to settle down so badly, that she may have never thought anything was wrong - though I did state my grievances at numerous points during the relationship. She has a naturally strong/bossy personality, whereas I'm a lot more submissive, and will typically fold if pushed too hard. This is my first serious, "I want to settle down" relationship, and I really can't tell if this is one of those situations where you're supposed to fight for the relationship, or if I was inadvertently suffering some sort of emotional abuse. I think she's a great person, all things considered, and she really did love me (and vice-versa). She checked many of the big boxes that I was looking for, in a life-long partner, and I'm naturally a bit terrified that I may not find that combination of things again, even if they aren't anything extraordinary. I know that 32 isn't old by any stretch of the imagination, but when I'm the last single person that I know in any of my circles, It's hard not to panic a little bit. I've been casually dating my entire adult life, and she was the first person I've ever been with where I honestly saw myself with, for the long haul.

My friends and family are relieved that I'm out of the relationship, and I do believe that they only want the best for me, but it's so hard. I know she'd take me if I went back. Can anyone please just share their experiences/perspective on this, because I really need objective thoughts/insight. I cannot let myself believe that she was controlling in this way on purpose, but does that make it any better? Maybe if I had voiced my concerns and boundaries from the start, it wouldn't have even gotten to this point. Tell me I'm crazy or stupid for even considering going back- I don't care. I would like to hear objective viewpoints.

TL;DR: Ex girlfriend was (maybe unknowingly) manipulative and isolating me from friends and family. I'm considering going back to her, but I can't tell if this is the sort of person/relationship that deserves a second chance. Nearly everyone in my life tells me that this is the right decision, but I can't help but feel like I'm giving up too early.

Thanks a lot, in advance.

Edited July 13, 2022 by Scottr080

[Alvi]

1 hour ago, Scottr080 said:

After about 3 weeks of living together, I was feeling pretty smothered, and I told her I wanted to move out, which was also a "I want out of this relationship" conversation. During the breakup, I told her that I resented her for making me feel isolated from my support system, and then I didn't feel the same way about COVID as she did anymore.

I don't think the relationship could ever work out if a partner feels smothered only after three weeks living together. It is not a good sign. 

She probably didn't want to put herself and others at risk when she asked you to isolate. But you felt like she was isolating you from your family. She has a right to feel how she feels about the Covid issues and you have a right to feel how you feel. You are probably not compatible regardless.

1 hour ago, Scottr080 said:

Maybe if I had voiced my concerns and boundaries from the start, it wouldn't have even gotten to this point.

Maybe or maybe not. If she felt that you visiting your family is putting her own health at risk, how well would your boundaries fare with her? 

2 hours ago, Scottr080 said:

Ex girlfriend was (maybe unknowingly) manipulative and isolating me from friends and family.

But if she was writing on here, what do you think that she would be saying? That her ex was refusing to see her point of view when it came to Covid and dumped her after three weeks of living together. 

2 hours ago, Scottr080 said:

I'm considering going back to her, but I can't tell if this is the sort of person/relationship that deserves a second chance.

Does she wants you back? But seriously, how do you see this relationship ever working out if the two of you could not make after living together for three weeks. The two of you are not on the same page and wavelength. You felt smothered not even after a month of living together. Guess what, if you actually end up married to her, she is going to be staying with you all the time. Do you think you could handle seeing her all day, every single day?

I am curious if you think that you left her because you were afraid of a commitment? 

[Gaeta]

All of your feelings are normal. We all feel that way when we end a relationship, even bad relationships. Your mourning will last longer than a month and you'll go back and forth between I want her back and the breakup is best. 

I beleive in second chances when you have something special to go back to. A good partner is someone that elevates you, not someone that chains you. I also put a lot of weight into the fact your family was not impressed with her, that is something you should not ignore, our family & friends truly have our best interest at heart and they often see dysfunctions we don't see when we're blinded by love.