Post Mortem after first date

[dragonwalker]

I met a women online and we went on a date. I'm 34, pretty normal, bad at dating, looking for a long term relationship with an aim to start a family one day. The women I'll call Jane is also 34 lives not to far away and states in her profile she is also looking for something long term and has a goal in mind for kids in the not so distant future. We live near LA.  

Our communication before meeting was strictly through the dating platform and a bit sporadic with me trying to drive forward the conversation and I suggested a date and she accepted. A bit last minute alternative suggestion, she proposed a walk along the beach. I agreed, we met and we walked and talked. The conversation was pleasant and I liked her attitude and she seemed kind. I had planned for an hour or so date as that's a typical comfortable length from my experience and "research" I've done. The walk along the beach ended up lasting about 1.5 hours, we talked about many things and she seemed to be equally engaging. There were a few moments where we locked eyes and seemed to have a more intimate connection. I was having difficulty telling how she felt about it as she was calm as a cucumber throughout and I was more animated. 

I tried to initiate some light physical contact lightly touching her arm or elbow when talking to make a point. Although she was wearing a sweater I didn't see any reaction and she didn't reciprocate that way at all. As the sun was setting and I was thinking about the end of the date she asked if I was hungry. I truthfully said I was "ok" and it was at this point she pushed to go eat somewhere and asked if I was ok with that and to search on the phone with her for a place. I had no signal and even suggested "no rush, we can always go next time" and she persisted and said she was hungry. In retrospect I'm not sure why I was creating excuses but this was the best date in awhile and I think I wanted to end it on a good note. 

Anyway, we did go to a nice casual place, we talked more and the conversation went well. I suggested we walk a little now being around 10. The walk was a little awkward as it was kind of noisy around us and we didn't talk to much but walked along various points along the beach. She stopped at various points to "take in the view" which wasn't to spectacular and I thought maybe she was trying to give me a sign to make a move. I failed to be decisive but did manage to say something goofy about how the view was beautiful and I thought she was to. She replied with I must be drunk. I was a little taken aback as I had barely half a cup of beer and was otherwise normal (I don't usually ever drink though). We walked a bit more and at around 11 I mentioned I should get back. 

Before we departed I gave her a warm hug. She did ask me a bit earlier if I was having a good time which I replied I was and asked a few other details like my full name and she provided hers as well as her number which she previously did not provide. I had mentioned about meeting again casually soon before we left and she didn't reply. I texted afterward as a courtesy to see if she arrived back safely, she replied she did and nothing more.

It's been 3 days and yes I'd like to go on another date but I can't help but think something didn't quite go right here especially toward the end. I just can't help but think if I did something wrong. The biggest thing I could think of maybe not making a move toward the end but mentally I was thinking since she made no openings or suggestions she was up for that I shouldn't push it especially since I've manage to bungle going for a kiss the first time I'm with someone and never have I done so on a 1st date, I'm glad I didn't here. 

Give what's happened here is there some way to think about this I'm not seeing. Should I wait longer to ask to see if she'd like to go out again? I'm so clueless.       

[vla1120]

13 minutes ago, dragonwalker said:

Should I wait longer to ask to see if she'd like to go out again? I'm so clueless.       

I don't think there's anything wrong with asking her out again. Try not to overthink it. Just text and ask if she is interested in meeting again. Since your first date turned into an unexpected dinner date, suggest dinner again. If she does want to go out again, don't be afraid to give her a kiss this time. 

[norealusername]

It sounds to me like it went fine. She might be nervous as well on a first date. She wasn't in any rush to leave, which isn't a bad sign. I think you should text her and ask about another date soon. Try to find a quiet spot, maybe sitting somewhere, to make a move.

[Meghan L]

It was a first date.  Love-at-first-sight generally doesn't happen in real life.  There is a process of getting to know each other, & that takes time.  Where people mess up is trying to do too much too early, & then they come across as desperate or maybe creepy.  Not good in either case.   
  
If you want to go on another date then call her & ask.  I suggest you don't wait too long, 3 days with no contact may send a message that you aren't interested.  
  
On a side-note, "post-mortem" suggests a defeatist attitude & I hope you keep that to yourself or you won't be very successful in the dating game.

[Wiseman2]

56 minutes ago, dragonwalker said:

It's been 3 days and yes I'd like to go on another date but I can't help but think something didn't quite go right here especially toward the end.

Don't wait this long o ask for date #2. In fact you could always do that on date #1. Call/text now and set something up. She is probably posting/texting somewhere "he hasn't texted in 3 days, what's wrong?"

[Johnjohnson2017]

She probably has other men she is meeting this week who she is talking to. you two spent a lot of time together on the date so she must like you enough that she was willing to extend the date a little longer. That's a good sign.

You can ask her out again. It was only a first date. Most women don't expect much physical contact on a first date with a stranger.

[glows]

You haven't done anything wrong. Ask her out on another date and see where it goes. 

I wouldn't worry about her not being receptive to you making physical contact. Women are exceedingly aware even if they don't respond and a good number won't respond with much enthusiasm on the first date. Some people are just more reserved that way. She asked for your full name and gave out her number so ask her out. And she was teasing you mentioning you were drunk. Don't worry about that. 

[ShyViolet]

You're wayyy overthinking this.  Just text her and ask her out on a second date.  Since it's been 3 days, you should send that text now, and not wait any longer or she will start to think you're not interested.  See what she says, you have nothing to lose.  If she says no, or doesn't reply, then you'll have your answer.

[dragonwalker]

Thanks everyone. I wasn't trying to overthink it but really just recalling the details of what happened. I sent her a message in the early evening about 4 hours ago, no response. Hopefully I get a response and not get ghosted. 

[CLS63AMG]

Did she follow up?  I have a feeling what her message will be (if one) but I'd like to hear

[Maldives]

'The biggest thing I could think of maybe not making a move'

I think that might of been it 

 

 

 

 

Edited July 14, 2022 by Goodguy05

[dragonwalker]

Unfortunately she did not even respond. She had responded that evening to my text of her getting back and I saw that she logged onto the app so I'm sure she is choosing not to. I'm trying to keep a positive attitude and carry on. 

In the back of my mind though it stings yet again that this online dating adventure has led to so much rejection. I've talked to many of my friends and they've expressed similar sentiment. However among women it seems to have a better success rate. Looks like they still have all the power. I really do think I've tried to keep expectations modest but I keep running into failure. I've taken "breaks" from using online stuff and when I return it's more of the same. I know I should try meeting women in real life but except in 1 instance over many years has a women agreed to go out on a date. 

In the past I have met with a therapist before to try and uncover a possible deeper issue but after going for more than a year there was no "problem" identified other than just needing to try some more. It was a lot of time talking about my week, my childhood, and talk. 

Socially I feel I get along with most people just fine at work and otherwise. I'm not a social butterfly but I don't think I have any particularly bad or unpleasant traits. Although a strong of many setbacks over more than a decade has affected my confidence although I go through ups and downs. Sometimes I wonder if character has much to do at all with finding someone as I'm amused how deeply my failing is when I see people of severely compromised moral character have someone.     

Anyway, this has become one of the most embarrassing issues of my life now. I've posted about my issues many times over the years.

What can I do here? Keep trying more of the same? Isn't that just the definition of insanity? I'm going to post separately about a somewhat desperate idea I have and get some feedback.  

 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, dragonwalker said:

What can I do here? 

You're getting responses. You're getting dates so you're having some success. One-and-done meets are unfortunately common in OLD, so just roll with it go forward.

[norealusername]

Online dating can be crushing to your self esteem for many guys. It was for me. You just have to keep plugging away, don't have high expectations and don't dwell on it. If you can meet people in real life somewhere, it might be a better experience.

[Philosopher]

I do think you were a bit unlucky with this women. In my experience dates that last for a few hours and only end because it is getting close to bedtime as seems to the case in this date usually do result in a second date. She probably had an enjoyable evening as otherwise she would have found excuses to end the date early. Yes she may have wanted you to make a move on the date, however in my experience most women do not expect this on the first date, although I appreciate this may vary depending on where you live.

My advice would not to get too disheartened from this date.

[dragonwalker]

I'm still holding out some hope she will respond as it took over a month before she responded to my initial message online and subsequent messages on several occasions I had to follow up before a response. I am resisting sending out any other message than my text several days ago as I'm certain she got it and I think I am justified waiting at this point if she is interested at all. Looking back how she pushed to extend the time and get food I just feel used for a meal. 

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, dragonwalker said:

. Looking back how she pushed to extend the time and get food I just feel used for a meal. 

And this is why the first meeting in OLD should be limited to a drink/coffee.

You can always set up a dinner date if the first meeting goes well.

OLD is somewhat like window shopping. Sometimes you just look and keep going, sometimes you go into the store for a closer look and a few times everything lines up and you buy.

[dragonwalker]

7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

And this is why the first meeting in OLD should be limited to a drink/coffee.

You can always set up a dinner date if the first meeting goes well.

OLD is somewhat like window shopping. Sometimes you just look and keep going, sometimes you go into the store for a closer look and a few times everything lines up and you buy.

That is exactly my sentiment with first dates. Keeping it light, casual and intentionally shorter around that 1 hour mark generally. What's odd in retrospect is that I never proposed dinner and in fact voiced a bit of hesitation as I mentioned and even specifically said "no rush, we can always do it in our next meeting" but she insisted, said she was hungry. I didn't sense anything disingenuous and I thought since she was hungry and willing, sure why not. She certainly made a meal out of it picking the place, ordering beer, and a full meal. I waited a moment at the register before offer to pay and it appeared like she was moving to pay her portion ahead of me so I decided to bite the bullet and offer to pay. She didn't object and a minute or two later offered to venmo, I said it was ok. I have not been out with a women so bold to push for dinner but yet later not even respond to a text of wanted to go out.

At least for me even a rejection is more desired but I'm not even granted that decency. Has it now become to old fashioned to do that? Am I asking to much? Am I being to biased and perhaps many men react very poorly to the rejection? I imagine if so the women can always just block. I went on a short virtual date another week prior that didn't go that well and wasn't planning on reaching out but I did, same thing no text. At the very least I know I always communicate to a women in the very few instances where I don't think it will work out and there is any expectation of communication if we are chatting or she's asked a question.

At very least this is a reminder should I ever behave like this to remember how I felt and be shamed if I should ever act that way.    

[CLS63AMG]

If the before meet chatting was minimal and sporadic then that would explain the ghosting out.  Its still rude but minimal texting and an awkward date almost always leads to that.  I am guilty of it myself.  Unfortunately that is most often the case with online dating.  Good successful dates that turn into relationships are very rare. Also trust your gut, if you knew it didnt go well, dont bother asking for a second date - you're just asking to be ghosted or get the classic rejection text.

Edited July 15, 2022 by CLS63AMG

[dragonwalker]

I see. There wasn't that much communication before hand and most things went smoothly during, some moments of awkwardness. At this point unless things went very poorly I give the benefit of the doubt and ask for a 2nd date. I think of it as having nothing to lose in one sense but I guess this means I have to prepare for more ghosting! 

[CLS63AMG]

Oh I've done the same many times "nothing to lose" but its always rejection.  After awhile your dignity becomes more important lol