Scotty Riggs Posted July 11, 2022 Posted July 11, 2022 I've been dating a woman for three months. We're exclusive and have never gone more than a day without texting. She texted me enthusiastically Saturday morning just to check in. I was traveling out of state but responded within three hours with a travel photo and humor. She didn't respond, which was fine. That evening, I asked if she was up to anything fun that day. By Sunday evening, 24 hours later, she still hadn't responded, so I asked if she wanted to get together Monday or Tuesday, as we had previously discussed. I've still not heard from her, and I'm worried. I'll be back in town today, and I might stop by her house after work to see if she's home and okay. I considered calling her place of work, but I think I'd rather do the former. I might also text once more asking her to let me know she's okay and if she's getting my messages. I hope it's just a problem with her phone. We've never gone this long without communication and I see no reason why she'd go quiet on me, so I'm stressed out.
glows Posted July 11, 2022 Posted July 11, 2022 Don’t stop at her house unannounced. Put your phone away and don’t keep looking at it. She’ll get back to you when she does. Be careful that you’re not framing OCD or obsession over texting out of “care” for her. Give it a few more days. Why are you so worried about her? Does she have a severe health issue or disabled or does she have no friends or family? 3
Author Scotty Riggs Posted July 11, 2022 Author Posted July 11, 2022 (edited) 4 minutes ago, glows said: Why are you so worried about her? Does she have a severe health issue or disabled or does she have no friends or family? As I said, we've never gone this long without talking, and she's never ignored my questions like this. It's very uncharacteristic of her. Can't I simply text her asking if she's okay? Edited July 11, 2022 by Scotty Riggs
glows Posted July 11, 2022 Posted July 11, 2022 Just now, Scotty Riggs said: As I said, we've never gone this long without talking, and she's never ignored my questions like this. It's very unusual behavior. Can't I simply text her asking if she's okay? I think you’re coming on way too strong. You’ve texted her three times and now want to send a fourth text asking if she’s ok. This doesn’t make sense. She may not want to talk to you or met someone else. Don’t keep texting when a person hasn’t replied. If there’s no reason why she wouldn’t be ok, she doesn’t want to reply to you. You’ll know if she’s still interested if she responds. 1
Author Scotty Riggs Posted July 11, 2022 Author Posted July 11, 2022 (edited) 2 minutes ago, glows said: I think you’re coming on way too strong. You’ve texted her three times and now want to send a fourth text asking if she’s ok. This doesn’t make sense. She may not want to talk to you or met someone else. Don’t keep texting when a person hasn’t replied. If there’s no reason why she wouldn’t be ok, she doesn’t want to reply to you. You’ll know if she’s still interested if she responds. We've been dating exclusively for months. She has personal items at my house, and we're currently doing a project together. You think she just "met someone else" hours after texting me, and dumped me without warning? Edited July 11, 2022 by Scotty Riggs 1
glows Posted July 11, 2022 Posted July 11, 2022 (edited) 16 minutes ago, Scotty Riggs said: We've been dating exclusively for months. She has personal items at my house, and we're currently doing a project together. You think she just "met someone else" hours after texting me, and dumped me without warning? She may be working herself up to ending things with you. I’d step back and reevaluate. Slow down and do not panic. You’ve texted her already so wait for a response. Edited July 11, 2022 by glows 1
Author Scotty Riggs Posted July 11, 2022 Author Posted July 11, 2022 (edited) 36 minutes ago, glows said: She may be working herself up to ending things with you. I’d step back and reevaluate. Slow down and do not panic. You’ve texted her already so wait for a response. Thanks. She just now responded that tomorrow would work to hang out. In fairness, it's not out of character for her to take this long to respond to a text about making plans (from last night), but the lack of response to my Saturday text bugs me. At the least, I'll ask how her weekend went. If she was busy, that's not the worst thing in the world to not respond to me. If he says she was bored all weekend, then I would be annoyed me that she never cared to respond. I won't necessarily express that, maybe that I was just curious if she was occupied. 36 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: Have you tried calling her, OP? The only time I've gotten her on the phone was when we planned to talk. The other few times, she didn't answer. She has now responded to my text though. Edited July 11, 2022 by Scotty Riggs
glows Posted July 11, 2022 Posted July 11, 2022 40 minutes ago, Scotty Riggs said: Thanks. She just now responded that tomorrow would work to hang out. In fairness, it's not out of character for her to take this long to respond to a text about making plans (from last night), but the lack of response to my Saturday text bugs me. At the least, I'll ask how her weekend went. If she was busy, that's not the worst thing in the world to not respond to me. If he says she was bored all weekend, then I would be annoyed me that she never cared to respond. I won't necessarily express that, maybe that I was just curious if she was occupied. The only time I've gotten her on the phone was when we planned to talk. The other few times, she didn't answer. She has now responded to my text though. I agree that it’s rude not to respond and then go on a date with you like that. I’d see what she says and rethink whether she’s treating this a little too casually or isn’t on the same page. 1
Author Scotty Riggs Posted July 12, 2022 Author Posted July 12, 2022 (edited) 6 hours ago, glows said: I agree that it’s rude not to respond and then go on a date with you like that. I’d see what she says and rethink whether she’s treating this a little too casually or isn’t on the same page. Thanks. You mean I should ask how busy she was, and gauge from there what to respond? It's tough. I don't want to sound too needy, but at the same time, I wish she'd realize her prolonged and uncharacteristic lack of response kinda bummed me out, to put it one way. I'd almost want to ask if she was feeling a little down and consequently not eager to follow up. Edited July 12, 2022 by Scotty Riggs
Author Scotty Riggs Posted July 12, 2022 Author Posted July 12, 2022 (edited) 6 hours ago, glows said: I agree that it’s rude not to respond and then go on a date with you like that. I’d see what she says and rethink whether she’s treating this a little too casually or isn’t on the same page. Part of me wants to let her know that, at this stage of dating, not hearing back for over two days did make me wonder if something was wrong. And that I don't want to make her feel crappy, but just for her to know my experience and maybe help her be more considerate, especially since I'm always the one setting up our dates (she has light-heartedly apologized for this a few times and said she needs to finally come up with a date). It sucks feeling like I'm taken for granted, and that while I put in all the legwork, she has that leverage to give the final yes or no. But again, there's the fear of sounding too sensitive or needy. I question if my feelings are valid. Edited July 12, 2022 by Scotty Riggs
basil67 Posted July 12, 2022 Posted July 12, 2022 (edited) 1 hour ago, Scotty Riggs said: I don't want to sound too needy, but at the same time, I wish she'd realize her prolonged and uncharacteristic lack of response kinda bummed me out, to put it one way. Given that her lack of contact is unusual, think your reaction is perfectly understandable and there's nothing wrong with expressing the extraction above. However, it could go one of two ways: If she cares about you, she'll take it on board and be more mindful and you'll be glad you said it. But if she doesn't care about you so much, you may find yourself having to make a decision about whether or not the two of you have a future together. That said, I'm concerned that after three months, you're still doing all the initiation of dates. If I were you, I'd be getting pretty fed up having to do all the initiation and planning for three whole months. At what time will she take herself off her own pedestal and take a share of the load? Does the princess thing really appeal to you? Edited July 12, 2022 by basil67 1
glows Posted July 12, 2022 Posted July 12, 2022 3 hours ago, Scotty Riggs said: Part of me wants to let her know that, at this stage of dating, not hearing back for over two days did make me wonder if something was wrong. And that I don't want to make her feel crappy, but just for her to know my experience and maybe help her be more considerate, especially since I'm always the one setting up our dates (she has light-heartedly apologized for this a few times and said she needs to finally come up with a date). It sucks feeling like I'm taken for granted, and that while I put in all the legwork, she has that leverage to give the final yes or no. But again, there's the fear of sounding too sensitive or needy. I question if my feelings are valid. See what she says when you meet in person. Don’t text about these things. You’ll see for yourself her character or what she is when she’s in front of you and she won’t have a chance to dodge your questions. You’re dating to see whether someone is compatible with you. If she seems lazy and complacent, do you see parallels in other areas of her life? Slow down and observe more. Avoid getting hooked on texts or speeding something up when you’re not getting enough in return. 3
Wiseman2 Posted July 12, 2022 Posted July 12, 2022 (edited) 12 hours ago, Scotty Riggs said: . She just now responded that tomorrow would work to hang out. In fairness, it's not out of character for her to take this long to respond Things seem to be going well. She sort of has a habit of not being on her phone 24/7 and doesn't engage in or allow text-tethering.That's ok. Try to relax and not panic. What exactly was your concern that there was the (actually typical) response delay? Were you afraid she is cheating or ghosting? Edited July 12, 2022 by Wiseman2
vla1120 Posted July 12, 2022 Posted July 12, 2022 11 hours ago, Scotty Riggs said: Part of me wants to let her know that, at this stage of dating, not hearing back for over two days did make me wonder if something was wrong. And that I don't want to make her feel crappy, but just for her to know my experience and maybe help her be more considerate, especially since I'm always the one setting up our dates (she has light-heartedly apologized for this a few times and said she needs to finally come up with a date). It sucks feeling like I'm taken for granted, and that while I put in all the legwork, she has that leverage to give the final yes or no. But again, there's the fear of sounding too sensitive or needy. I question if my feelings are valid. If I were in your shoes and it was uncharacteristic not to hear back from a woman you'd been dating and communicating with daily, I'd also express concern. I don't think it would sound too sensitive or needy if, when you are in person, you mentioned that you were slightly concerned for her health and safety when you didn't hear from her for a couple days, as that is not the norm. You can even say you have no intention of being overbearing or want/need to know where she is all the time, you were literally just concerned when you didn't hear from her for two days, knowing that she lives alone. Also, when you get together again, you could tell her "The next date is ladies choice! Where do you want to go and/or what do you want to do. Let me know when you decide." I don't see anything wrong with that. If anything, you'll get an idea of whether she is as invested as you, and where it might be going moving forward. 2
FMW Posted July 12, 2022 Posted July 12, 2022 I don't think there's anything wrong with saying "I was a little worried when you didn't respond to my earlier texts", at a natural point in a conversation. Don't dwell on it or say more than that. As long as you're not belaboring the point, you're simply expressing your feelings to someone you've been exclusively involved with for several months. This is the point where incompatibility issues will start showing up. If she feels pressured by a simple statement of concern, it's something to pay closer attention to going forward. 3
Author Scotty Riggs Posted July 12, 2022 Author Posted July 12, 2022 (edited) 7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: Try to relax and not panic. What exactly was your concern that there was the (actually typical) response delay? Were you afraid she is cheating or ghosting? Thank you. I wasn't afraid of anything specific, but texting her a question Saturday night and not hearing back until Monday afternoon was crappy, IMO. And it was my Sunday text that she responded to, not Saturday's. I would never leave her hanging that long, so I do want to express that to her without being overly dramatic. 9 hours ago, glows said: See what she says when you meet in person. Don’t text about these things. You’ll see for yourself her character or what she is when she’s in front of you and she won’t have a chance to dodge your questions. Yes, I avoid discussing touchy things in text. While she does make efforts to show she cares about me with simple gestures and bringing me food, I'm definitely putting in far more effort than her. 11 hours ago, basil67 said: That said, I'm concerned that after three months, you're still doing all the initiation of dates. If I were you, I'd be getting pretty fed up having to do all the initiation and planning for three whole months. Thank you. I wouldn't say she's a princess, but she admitted to being somewhat emotionally distant after her last abusive relationship. But yeah, I want to let her know I really appreciate the time we spend together, but that want to give her the floor to make some dates for us. She typically stays over just once a week - arrives in late evening and leaves in the morning, unless we have a weekend plan like 4th of July events, or concerts. We often walk around outside and talk, then have sex the rest of the evening. I wish we could see each other more and have expressed that. Sometimes part of me feels like she just wants to get laid, even though we spend most of our time directly talking/engaging and almost never do passive activities (we've never watched TV/movies together, for instance), and I mostly initiate sex (although she's the one wanting to "go lay down.") Edited July 12, 2022 by Scotty Riggs 1
BrinnM Posted July 12, 2022 Posted July 12, 2022 13 minutes ago, Scotty Riggs said: almost never do passive activities (we've never watched TV/movies together, for instance), That’s because the relationship is still new (3 months), and you guys only get together once a week on average for an overnighter. With higher frequency comes more routine, & and that will lead to more “passive” activities, as you put it. IF it lasts, of course, and that’s always a question mark with relatively new Rs. 16 minutes ago, Scotty Riggs said: Sometimes part of me feels like she just wants to get laid, Good for you - - but you sound like you’re ready for more depth, and she’s not yet. This is probably why you are “worried” (maybe not worried but questioning the situation maybe), if she goes silent for a few days. She is one who needs more space than you, or so it seems; just give her that. Space. Time. Let her come to you. You know - like the rubber band analogy; the more you pull, the more she wants to resist. If you let go a bit, she might come closer & make more of an effort herself, initiate more, “pull” more, you know? 1
Author Scotty Riggs Posted July 12, 2022 Author Posted July 12, 2022 20 minutes ago, BrinnM said: Good for you - - but you sound like you’re ready for more depth, and she’s not yet. This is probably why you are “worried” (maybe not worried but questioning the situation maybe), if she goes silent for a few days. She is one who needs more space than you, or so it seems; just give her that. Space. Time. Let her come to you. You know - like the rubber band analogy; the more you pull, the more she wants to resist. If you let go a bit, she might come closer & make more of an effort herself, initiate more, “pull” more, you know? She isn't as emotionally open and seems to conceal her vulnerability, but again, we talk a lot, do normal "date stuff" and enjoy each other's company. I even met her dad once. It felt good hearing from her Saturday morning after we didn't text at all Friday. She was clearly just reaching out to me. Then the contrast of silence afterwards made me feel shitty.
glows Posted July 12, 2022 Posted July 12, 2022 You may have to decide whether her personality turns you off in the end. It doesn't sound like you're too pleased with the way she's treated you so far and you may be seeing issues due to the fall out of her last relationship if she hasn't healed completely yet.
Author Scotty Riggs Posted July 12, 2022 Author Posted July 12, 2022 4 minutes ago, glows said: You may have to decide whether her personality turns you off in the end. It doesn't sound like you're too pleased with the way she's treated you so far and you may be seeing issues due to the fall out of her last relationship if she hasn't healed completely yet. I really cherish the time we spend together, so right now it's worth sticking with her. This last weekend just bugged me, and the overall imbalance of effort. But there are times when I feel like she's opening up, like my meeting her dad. If we last another month or two (4-5 months total), maybe I'll reevaluate and see if I want more of a dialogue about it. In May, she said she was still somewhat processing what she went through when her relationship ended last summer. I've told her that even though I wish I could see her more often, I respect her space and don't want to impose any expectations on our relationship other than being exclusive and just enjoying each other, but we'll see how I feel in another couple weeks/months.
glows Posted July 12, 2022 Posted July 12, 2022 27 minutes ago, Scotty Riggs said: I really cherish the time we spend together, so right now it's worth sticking with her. This last weekend just bugged me, and the overall imbalance of effort. But there are times when I feel like she's opening up, like my meeting her dad. If we last another month or two (4-5 months total), maybe I'll reevaluate and see if I want more of a dialogue about it. In May, she said she was still somewhat processing what she went through when her relationship ended last summer. I've told her that even though I wish I could see her more often, I respect her space and don't want to impose any expectations on our relationship other than being exclusive and just enjoying each other, but we'll see how I feel in another couple weeks/months. It's usually considered good form not mentioning exes or past relationships in a new relationship. That she's cited her emotional issues due to her ex from last summer as soon as a few weeks ago in May is a red flag. I'm sorry but she knows she has you wrapped around her finger. You care for her a great deal and seem to like her but she may be using you as a rebound or someone to help her feel better about herself because she hasn't completely gotten over her ex. See how it goes. I'd be careful that in a few weeks you don't get so emotionally attached (more so than now) and decide to accept her poor treatment of you. I'd be interested to hear what she says about not responding to you this past weekend. 4
Author Scotty Riggs Posted July 12, 2022 Author Posted July 12, 2022 1 minute ago, glows said: It's usually considered good form not mentioning exes or past relationships in a new relationship. That she's cited her emotional issues due to her ex from last summer as soon as a few weeks ago in May is a red flag. I'm sorry but she knows she has you wrapped around her finger. You care for her a great deal and seem to like her but she may be using you as a rebound or someone to help her feel better about herself because she hasn't completely gotten over her ex. See how it goes. I'd be careful that in a few weeks you don't get so emotionally attached (more so than now) and decide to accept her poor treatment of you. I'd be interested to hear what she says about not responding to you this past weekend. I definitely have feelings for her, and I think you have fair points about the leverage she has, intentional or not. But we've both talked about exes numerous times. IMO, exes are just a part of the life experience, and we can be adults about it. I bought my house from my ex partner, and we lived in it together and I'm still friends with her. My current girlfriend knows this. Also, my girlfriend's ex wanted her back and she refused. And her parents hated the guy, who was mentally abusive to her and lives hundreds of miles out of state. I think she's more processing how she allowed herself to get into that mess to begin with than anything else.
glows Posted July 12, 2022 Posted July 12, 2022 1 hour ago, Scotty Riggs said: I definitely have feelings for her, and I think you have fair points about the leverage she has, intentional or not. But we've both talked about exes numerous times. IMO, exes are just a part of the life experience, and we can be adults about it. I bought my house from my ex partner, and we lived in it together and I'm still friends with her. My current girlfriend knows this. Also, my girlfriend's ex wanted her back and she refused. And her parents hated the guy, who was mentally abusive to her and lives hundreds of miles out of state. I think she's more processing how she allowed herself to get into that mess to begin with than anything else. That may affect how she relates to you in the relationship now so I'd be wary. Someone who is still reeling from the effects of past decisions or hasn't reconciled her own actions is going to be hesitant in the way he/she approaches dating now or lack the confidence you may see in someone else. Exes are a part of life but they don't need to be at the forefront of your relationship or take up a large part of the discussion especially if you both don't have children with anyone else. 3
Author Scotty Riggs Posted July 13, 2022 Author Posted July 13, 2022 3 hours ago, glows said: Exes are a part of life but they don't need to be at the forefront of your relationship or take up a large part of the discussion especially if you both don't have children with anyone else. It's not at the forefront of our conversations. Heck, I talk more about my ex because we're still good friends. But I definitely see what you mean. Thank you. 1
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