Alwaysmaybebaby Posted July 11, 2022 Posted July 11, 2022 I (27 female) have been seeing my boyfriend (26 male) almost one year now. Things are good between us we communicate, have great sex, he gets my sense of humour, and we care deeply about one another. One thing I have been iffy on is I feel like sometimes I care a bit more and give more in the relationship effort wise. We talk about a future together but I feel like im the one who is putting him more in my plans than he is with myself. He always says we need to focus on ourselves but can be there for each other which I have no problem with. What he is refering to is he is planning on in the next year moving to another city to change his career and set himself up. He had casually brought up once me coming with him but also I have a 6yr old son so that would be hard to do custody with my sons dad. I have never done long distance ever and dont know how it would effect our relationship. I brought up the fact that he had said once before about me coming with him, but I said be honest if you feel like you need to do it yourself which he replied he definitely does (he has never left home yet.) I feel like alot of the time im picturing a future and working towards us growing together where as he says he sees a future but theres things he needs to do for himself first but wants someone on his way up. My question is do I wait it out and see and do long distance? Should I see the way he talks about himself mainly when he talks about "his" future as a red flag? Should I let him be by himself and figure himself out? I dont want to feel like im waiting for someone because I do want to grow with someone and maybe even have more kids. Just if we arent going to be Iive together for another 2 or 3 years and just visiting one another seems like a long wait. I just feel like I wont find someone I connect with like him. I do truely love him.
ExpatInItaly Posted July 11, 2022 Posted July 11, 2022 I'm not sure about this one, OP. If he is moving away and your custody arragement wouldn't permit you to join him, what sort of future does this relationship really have? It does sound as though you're going in two different directions, with him focusing more on himself and just enjoying the relationship for what it is right now - but not necessarily what will happen after he's gone. Have you asked him if he envisions you two making long-distance work?
Author Alwaysmaybebaby Posted July 11, 2022 Author Posted July 11, 2022 I have talked to him about long distance it would be a ferry ride away about 1.5hr he said we would still visit. I told him too that Im worried that he would get so busy and we would talk less and less. He said if we want it to work it will work, and that this isnt for another year. My custody arrangement is fine I have my son monday to friday and dad has him on the weekends. I think its more so my boyfriend wants to do this on his own, I get that I just dont want to feel like im waiting on him to come back or that im the one envisioning our future more than he is.
ExpatInItaly Posted July 11, 2022 Posted July 11, 2022 Yes, it appears he wants time on his own to find his own footing. 2 hours ago, Alwaysmaybebaby said: He always says we need to focus on ourselves but can be there for each other How often are such conversations happening? It appears he's trying to forge his own way and send you the message that he isn't ready to merge lives yet.
Author Alwaysmaybebaby Posted July 11, 2022 Author Posted July 11, 2022 Well recently due to lung problems he has decided to get out of mechanics and into coding. So he is teaching himself and knows to get a job has to go to a bigger city, we had vaguely discussed it once or twice but now he has a time frame probably in a years time will leave. We talked about it those couple times and then I brought up this weekend so we would be doing long distance? I have never done long distance. My original post is some what of the conversation we had.
Wiseman2 Posted July 11, 2022 Posted July 11, 2022 3 hours ago, Alwaysmaybebaby said: I have a 6yr old son so that would be hard to do custody with my sons dad. if you feel like you need to do it yourself which he replied he definitely does. Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately he seems more career focused and not as invested as you are in the relationship. Step back and reflect on the investment you're making in someone who's trying to tell you he already has one foot out the door.
FMW Posted July 11, 2022 Posted July 11, 2022 9 hours ago, Alwaysmaybebaby said: but I said be honest if you feel like you need to do it yourself which he replied he definitely does (he has never left home yet.) I'm reading that as he has never been on his own, (still living with parents?). If that's the case, then he does need to venture out on his own. That will make him a much better partner in the future. I don't think him talking about "his" future is necessarily a red flag, but it is a signal that he isn't ready to jump into something more committed at the moment. So more of a yellow flag. You can try long distance and see how it goes. Be very honest and clear about your expectations with him (as in you don't want to wait a few more years for things to advance) and pay attention along the way to make sure things seem to be progressing the way you want.
Author Alwaysmaybebaby Posted July 11, 2022 Author Posted July 11, 2022 Yeah he has never lived on his own he lives in his own suite downstairs, hes Viet so hasn't needed to move out and was going to school previously for mechanics. As much as we both dont want to break up I am worried about long distance and the relationship taking a lot longer to advance us being apart. Im going to be 28 in a couple weeks and dont want to put my life on hold for a couple years.
ShyViolet Posted July 11, 2022 Posted July 11, 2022 The way he is talking, this does not sound like a man who is planning a future that includes you. This sounds like a man who has one foot in and one foot out of this relationship. He's making it pretty clear that he's not able to merge his life with you and plan a solid future with you. No man who wants a future with you would be moving to a different city and say he "needs to do this on his own." If a solid future with a partner is what you want, then you should be seriously rethinking this relationship.
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