Dale22 Posted July 10, 2022 Posted July 10, 2022 Hi, I separated from my wife of 24 years officially in Feb of this year although. We hadn't been intimate partners for quite a long time and tried to work through that many times and it (I) always reverted back to the previous situation. The word divorce was raised many months before we finally separated so I did a lot of grieving of the good things we did have (wonderful kids, rich history full of great memories etc) and was ready when the time came to physically separate. I jumped into dating apps with both feet very quickly. I had a few dates and lots of conversations that didn't go far but then met a wonderful woman. The full package. The first word I would use to describe here is happy. She is divorced and was hurt very badly by the atrocious behaviour of her former husband. She did a lot of work on herself and is at a place where she loves herself and her life. I see her as being a fully-evolved person. She has her s... together. And she's beautiful, smart and funny. Jackpot!!! We had a very very strong connection and even ended going on holidays together only 2 months after starting to see each-other--something she never would have seen herself doing a few months before. It was a great week. We talked about the future and I met some of her family. Wonderful. She had questioned me quite a bit about if I was "ready" I assured her I was not mourning my marriage anymore and was all in. A long story but it became clear to her and later to me that I actually had some work to do before I was ready--stuff I had never thought of before. Like learn to love myself and not be so dependent on someone else for my happiness. I feel like she is the medicine I need and have put her in complete charge of whatever our relationship is at this point. Kind of pathetic. But where is that good place where you have the medicine you need and how do you get there? What does it feel like to be there? And isn't it normal to want to be with the person you love? Thanks for listening. I just joined this forum and it's fine if I don't get any replies. I think it's probably a good start to put this stuff down in writing. 1
FMW Posted July 10, 2022 Posted July 10, 2022 My 23 year marriage was over long before we separated and divorced. But the reality of divorce isn't something you can prepare for, and as you have discovered, feelings and issues pop up that you never anticipated. It took me several years to be "ok" and ready to have a healthy relationship with someone else. The fact that you see the new woman in your life as "medicine" is a signal that you are aware you are not feeling emotionally healthy and whole. Medicine is something that is only meant to be used for a brief time to get you past being unwell. For both your sake and hers, you need to be "well" and ok on your own. Romantic partners should be additions to your life, not the very thing that gets you through the day. You need to be independently happy and feel good about your life, and she needs for the man who loves her to be fully there and available to her. Of course from time to time one person in the relationship is going to be stronger and more giving, but in general you should be on equal footing. I'm sure you feel you are, but in my experience that's likely not the case. That doesn't mean your relationship shouldn't continue. But slow down and give the time and attention necessary to getting yourself to a place where you feel whole again and not in need of "medicine". 2
Happy Lemming Posted July 10, 2022 Posted July 10, 2022 40 minutes ago, Dale22 said: Like learn to love myself and not be so dependent on someone else for my happiness. Not every problem has to be fixed. Trust me, I have problems, but if they don't create an issue, I'll leave them be. You are happy with your present partner. She makes you happy and you miss her when she is gone... almost sounds like love. Enjoy this woman, make up for lost time... So you become a little dependent on her for your happiness, not the worst thing in the world -- she brings joy to your life, sit in the boat and enjoy the ride. Why worry about what could happen if she does leave you -- cross that bridge when you get to it -- in the end, it may not happen. Life is short - embrace the happy...
Wiseman2 Posted July 10, 2022 Posted July 10, 2022 2 hours ago, Dale22 said: We had a very very strong connection and even ended going on holidays together only 2 months after starting to see each-other--something she never would have seen herself doing a few months before. She had questioned me quite a bit about if I was "ready" I assured her I was not mourning my marriage anymore and was all in. It's great you are dating. However the 'separated, not yet divorced' thing is going to undo a lot of dating situations where the woman is further along and completely free and clear of divorce drama ahead. Women may put you in the 'high-risk basket' and may not want to date legally married people or be a rebound.
central Posted July 10, 2022 Posted July 10, 2022 I also left a 23+ year marriage, but it was long over and I was more than ready to move on by the time I left. I had done some individual counseling as well, and I was in fact ready to move on. Of course, after almost 24 years the transition to being single (even while technically not yet divorced) is a process. I dated extensively for a while, but it was only about 6 months in that I met my current wife. That was 22 years ago. 1
smackie9 Posted July 10, 2022 Posted July 10, 2022 The way I look at it, things happen for a reason. I think if the relationship is a healthy one with good communication, she can maybe give you some tips/advice how she got to her place of well being. Make sure you are honest and truthful to yourself and her. Sometimes a person could use a little help and there isn't anything wrong with that...I know it's harder for a man to show vulnerability, but if she is as genuine as you say she is, this can be good for you.
Author Dale22 Posted July 10, 2022 Author Posted July 10, 2022 (edited) Thanks a lot for the thoughtful responses. Yes she is way ahead of me in that she has been divorced for a while and is completely ready for a new relationship. But she has been clear with me that she will not sacrifice any of her happiness and contentment for a relationship anything less than great. The makings of a wonderful partnership are right in front of me I think and she is all-in supporting me along the way. We went way too fast the first time and now have down-shifted a few gears but are completely honest with each other. I see now I have to work on my own to achieve a level of happiness without the validation of someone else. Also patience in getting there. To answer S2B's question, yes I have been talking to a counselor in addition to reading and taking a stab at meditation. Thanks again and all the best. Edited July 10, 2022 by Dale22 1 1
Recommended Posts