smackie9 Posted July 10, 2022 Posted July 10, 2022 Sounds to me he's not ready to take it to the next level for whatever reason. You are just dating exclusively. If it were me I wouldn't call him my BF yet. Rude? yes it was but maybe he didn't want to introduce you as his GF or is stuck on that for now. 1
Acacia98 Posted July 10, 2022 Posted July 10, 2022 29 minutes ago, Annabanna said: Thanks everyone for your comments and suggestions. I see now that it's quite normal to not be involving the kids yet. The friends thing was rude. But maybe he got shy, embarrassed I will let it slide and see what happens Thank you I don't think you should relax just yet. There's a difference between not involving the kids and what he did. Not involving the kids means not bringing a date or girlfriend/boyfriend into their home when they're there. He brought you into his home, knowing full well his daughter would be there then didn't introduce you (not even as a plain simple friend) or didn't even bother to have a conversation about it with you afterwards (which most people would do as they'd understand that it must have felt awkward). The guy doesn't have basic social skills. That might be a problem down the road. Then again, this may be normal behavior in your part of the world. So please ignore me if this is how folks do things there.
FMW Posted July 10, 2022 Posted July 10, 2022 Ask him why he doesn't introduce you to friends when you run into them. Even if he doesn't have a good answer, the way he reacts to the question might give you a clue.
poppyfields Posted July 10, 2022 Posted July 10, 2022 6 hours ago, Annabanna said: And he invited me into his house when his daughter was there. I just felt it was a bit rude not to introduce us. I agree with you @Annabanna, we're talking basic common courtesy. If you were just a friend, he would have introduced you or should have, his daughter was right there.for goodness sake. Nothing to do with it's "too soon" that's a load of bullocks imo. Basic common courtesy. If me, I would have introduced myself. "Hi, I'm poppy." Did you ever ask him why he didn't? Plain rude.
Alvi Posted July 10, 2022 Posted July 10, 2022 9 hours ago, Annabanna said: His daughter was in the next room. I had only popped in for a few mins as we had been for a walk, but I did expect him to call her through and be introduced. While I think it is too soon to introduce you to his daughter, you were already in his house. If he didn't want her to see you, he should not have invited you to his place. Period. But since you were there, I don't see a reason why a very brief introduction could not have taken a place. It is very juvenile to sneak you in and out of his place. 55 minutes ago, poppyfields said: Did you ever ask him why he didn't? Plain rude. You are right, this is a rude thing to do. The OP should ask him why he didn't want to introduce her to his friends. But I honestly don't think whatever asker he is going to give her is going to be satisfactory. He might reply that he thinks this is too soon for any introductions to be made. But too soon for what? He doesn't even have to call her his girlfriend. Something like: "This is Anna, we've been seeing each other for the last three month" would do. It's like he wants to hide you for some reason. Do you think that he is as serious about this relationship as you are? I hate to ask, but are you absolutely sure that he is a 100% single? He might have another girlfriend that you know nothing about. Or he may want to reunite with his ex. I have to say that after reading some infidelity posts on this forum, that nothing surprises me anymore about how sneaky some cheaters are. But regardless, this needs to be an eye-opener for you. For me, this would pretty much be a dealbreaker. At the very least, you should have a serious talk about how his behavior made you feel. You need to tell him what you are not going to put up with. Don't think about this as an ultimatum but more as showing him your boundaries and things that you are not willing to accept in a relationship. Too soon? No such thing.
Alvi Posted July 10, 2022 Posted July 10, 2022 5 hours ago, Annabanna said: Feels like he's got no intentions of taking things further than drinks and sex. First instincs are normaly right I'd say. You have to listen to your intuition. If you feel that this is how he feels, then this is how it is. Once you meet someone who is very interested in having a seruiys relationship with you, that person is going to make that very clear. You are not going to have to doubt him. I am not talking about moving in together after a second date or getting married on a forth one, but if someone actually wants a future with you, you are going to feel it. A guy who would not introduce you to his friends after three month is probably not the one for you in a long run.
poppyfields Posted July 10, 2022 Posted July 10, 2022 (edited) 30 minutes ago, Alvi said: Something like: "This is Anna, we've been seeing each other for the last three month" would do. Actually, I don't think even saying what's bolded is necessary or should be said. Simply "[Daughter's name], this is Anna." She doesn't need to be defined at this point imo. If the daughter asks later, say she's a friend or say what's bolded. Its not that big a deal; when men used to pick me up for dates, they sometimes met my whole family! My dad and brothers if they were all in the room. Which was rare but the point is it doesn't have to mean anything significant, just simple common courtesy. Anna, your boyfriend sounds uptight and phobic. Proceed with caution if at all. Edited July 10, 2022 by poppyfields
Wiseman2 Posted July 11, 2022 Posted July 11, 2022 17 hours ago, Annabanna said: We don't always end up bed, thats only happened 3 times, but I know he would like very date to end that way. It's not always practical due to kids being home. Are you resistant to him coming to your area or your home? If you are out on a date with him is it when your child is with the father or family? Or do you have to get a babysitter? If your child is with the father or family, why can't this man come to your area? For example suggest a nice restaurant or invite him for dinner. Are you still married or living with someone? Unfortunately it seems like you are the one driving this into the pub and hookup zone if you are not suggesting integrating lives more with other activities and not extending a simple dinner invitation when your children are with the father or with family. Perhaps if you share your life a bit more and he'll be more open with you. If you hide in the shadows, how can this progress after 3 months already? Where would you like to see this going as far as more than pubs and sex?
Sgthaytham Posted July 11, 2022 Posted July 11, 2022 Just because you think 3 months is A-okay to meet family, doesn't mean he does. You need to realise that there are two people in your relationship.
giotto Posted July 11, 2022 Posted July 11, 2022 (edited) 3 times in 3 months? He is not getting enough sex... Edited July 11, 2022 by giotto
Alpacalia Posted July 11, 2022 Posted July 11, 2022 On 7/10/2022 at 4:37 AM, Annabanna said: Only because he's keeping me a secret. Lol I have a strange feeling that he's only after one thing. So it is by design that you keep him a secret? This is not the thing to do for fear of losing him. It's never your job to make him feel something for you. Changing yourself or doing x, y, or z to gain his favor makes him a terrible man for you. Although he may be the best person in the world, he is a terrible partner FOR YOU because he is going to make you lose your yourself in the end. So, if you're doing these things intentionally hoping to to create the feeling in him that you desire, then he isn't the one for you, since he is not feeling those things on his own organically. That may very well extend to the act of introducing you to a friend or family member on his own accord.
poppyfields Posted July 11, 2022 Posted July 11, 2022 (edited) 11 hours ago, Sgthaytham said: Just because you think 3 months is A-okay to meet family, doesn't mean he does. Which begs the question, why did he invite OP to his home knowing his daughter would be there? Or invite her to the bar while he was with his friends? Why do these things if he believes it's "too soon" to meet friends and family? Makes no sense whatsover. @Annabannais there an update? Edited July 11, 2022 by poppyfields
Alvi Posted July 12, 2022 Posted July 12, 2022 15 minutes ago, poppyfields said: Which begs the question, why did he invite OP to his home knowing his daughter would be there? Or invite her to the bar while he was with his friends? Why do these things if he believes it's "too soon" to meet friends and family? Makes no sense whatsover. Yeah, I am actually curious about that one as well. That is understandable if he thinks it is too soon for Anna and his daughter to meet. A common sense would dictate not to not invite Anna into his house while his daughter is there. What if his daughter actually walked out of her room (or whichever place she was at her house) and saw Anna there. How would he explain some strange woman standing in their living room is to his daughter? What is his daughter was walking around in her undergarments or something, lol. That would be embarrassing. He didn't give his daughter a heads up that he is stopping by a house with his date either. So, if he had no intention to introduce her to his friends, why invite her to the place where they are in a first place? Something if off about this guy. Have no idea what that is but his behavior could be a big red flag. The way that I am thinking is that he is not aware of some social norms or he is trying to keep OP as a secret for some reason (like him trying to work things out with his ex, for example).
Author Annabanna Posted July 12, 2022 Author Posted July 12, 2022 On 7/10/2022 at 8:45 PM, poppyfields said: Actually, I don't think even saying what's bolded is necessary or should be said. Simply "[Daughter's name], this is Anna." She doesn't need to be defined at this point imo. If the daughter asks later, say she's a friend or say what's bolded. Its not that big a deal; when men used to pick me up for dates, they sometimes met my whole family! My dad and brothers if they were all in the room. Which was rare but the point is it doesn't have to mean anything significant, just simple common courtesy. Anna, your boyfriend sounds uptight and phobic. Proceed with caution if at all.
poppyfields Posted July 12, 2022 Posted July 12, 2022 26 minutes ago, Annabanna said: Anna did you intend to post a response? You quoted an earlier post of mine but there was no response. Is there an update?
Author Annabanna Posted July 12, 2022 Author Posted July 12, 2022 Hi! Well this has all got very confusing. Lol I will try to answer some questions. We have been on lots of dates other than the pub, it's just the pub more than the others. We have been to his local area, my local area and in-between. So quite split and fair. We share lots of interests, hobbies ect and always have a good time. Message alot in the day, always say good morning, goodnight. all the usual stuff. I'm not trying to hide him, and defo not married, or in a relationship as someone else suggested. Lol, and im pretty sure that's not the case with him. Although we haven't had the "inclusive talk" im just trying to not make a fool of myself by telling the world about this guy for him to then not stick around. Especially my kids. I might even decide not to stick around, who knows what's around the corner. And as he isn't in a rush to introduce me to his family and friends then I'm not either. Which is totally fine, I'm not in a rush! What im confused about is this...although I'm not saying it wouldn't be nice, I didn't ask to meet his family and friends, he put me in that situation and then did not introduce me. I'm am in no way trying to "bag" him. And I'm not scared of loosing him as we are not even in an exclusive relationship to begin with. It's difficult dating when you have kids. I'm widowed, so my kids are home all the time. My older son looks after his brother when i go out, I am not in in a habit of taking men home when they are there. Which is almost always, sometimes they will have a sleep over at friends, but this is rare as the main sleep over host with their circle of friends is me. So we do go back to his house sometimes as he only has the one daughter at home now who is out alot of the time. So... we went out for lunch today and I said to him "you know, it would have been OK for you to introduce (daughter) to me when i was at your place. I wouldn't have minded" His reply was "yeah I know, it was kinda late. Next time for sure" I didn't mention the lack of introduction to friends. I think we are just still in the early stages of figuring each other out. But there is a wave of doubt in my mind about him. Maybe it's just me not wanting to be hurt. Ive been hurt alot in the past. Maybe it's something else. I dunno.
Author Annabanna Posted July 12, 2022 Author Posted July 12, 2022 1 minute ago, poppyfields said: Anna did you intend to post a response? You quoted an earlier post of mine but there was no response. Is there an update? Sorry. Yes I just updated. Having technical issues
poppyfields Posted July 12, 2022 Posted July 12, 2022 (edited) 25 minutes ago, Annabanna said: Hi! Well this has all got very confusing. Lol I will try to answer some questions. We have been on lots of dates other than the pub, it's just the pub more than the others. We have been to his local area, my local area and in-between. So quite split and fair. We share lots of interests, hobbies ect and always have a good time. Message alot in the day, always say good morning, goodnight. all the usual stuff. I'm not trying to hide him, and defo not married, or in a relationship as someone else suggested. Lol, and im pretty sure that's not the case with him. Although we haven't had the "inclusive talk" im just trying to not make a fool of myself by telling the world about this guy for him to then not stick around. Especially my kids. I might even decide not to stick around, who knows what's around the corner. And as he isn't in a rush to introduce me to his family and friends then I'm not either. Which is totally fine, I'm not in a rush! What im confused about is this...although I'm not saying it wouldn't be nice, I didn't ask to meet his family and friends, he put me in that situation and then did not introduce me. I'm am in no way trying to "bag" him. And I'm not scared of loosing him as we are not even in an exclusive relationship to begin with. It's difficult dating when you have kids. I'm widowed, so my kids are home all the time. My older son looks after his brother when i go out, I am not in in a habit of taking men home when they are there. Which is almost always, sometimes they will have a sleep over at friends, but this is rare as the main sleep over host with their circle of friends is me. So we do go back to his house sometimes as he only has the one daughter at home now who is out alot of the time. So... we went out for lunch today and I said to him "you know, it would have been OK for you to introduce (daughter) to me when i was at your place. I wouldn't have minded" His reply was "yeah I know, it was kinda late. Next time for sure" I didn't mention the lack of introduction to friends. I think we are just still in the early stages of figuring each other out. But there is a wave of doubt in my mind about him. Maybe it's just me not wanting to be hurt. Ive been hurt alot in the past. Maybe it's something else. I dunno. You wouldn't have minded? And his response that it was late but maybe next time? Not sure why you walk on eggshells with him but Anna, this relationship hasn't got a snowballs chance in hell of working out if you BOTH don't start being honest with each other, versus making excuses, acting and responding passively and shuffling things that trouble you under the carpet. Good luck.. Edited July 12, 2022 by poppyfields
Author Annabanna Posted July 13, 2022 Author Posted July 13, 2022 18 hours ago, poppyfields said: You wouldn't have minded? And his response that it was late but maybe next time? Not sure why you walk on eggshells with him but Anna, this relationship hasn't got a snowballs chance in hell of working out if you BOTH don't start being honest with each other, versus making excuses, acting and responding passively and shuffling things that trouble you under the carpet. Good luck.. Hi. I'm not sure i do walk on egg shells with him I can be quite a shy person with everyone, in general. Untill I really get to know someone. Just how I am. I do shuffle things under the carpet, I will admit to that. I dont like confrontation. I guess that's something I need to work on.
FMW Posted July 13, 2022 Posted July 13, 2022 I'm very non-confrontational, so I get the hesitation. But I've learned that having open, non-judgmental, non-accusatory conversations over issues makes for a happier relationship for both parties. Otherwise, resentments and misunderstandings tend to pop up.
Author Annabanna Posted July 13, 2022 Author Posted July 13, 2022 3 minutes ago, FMW said: I'm very non-confrontational, so I get the hesitation. But I've learned that having open, non-judgmental, non-accusatory conversations over issues makes for a happier relationship for both parties. Otherwise, resentments and misunderstandings tend to pop up. Yes I agree totally. Just need to put it into practice. I've decided to chill put a bit more with the whole situation and just carry on enjoying each others company and see what happens 1
Gaeta Posted July 13, 2022 Posted July 13, 2022 To me what he did was very rude. Hard to say if he lacks manners or he's just not wanting to slowly integrate you in his life. His daughter is an adult, she would not have gotten emotionally attached to you because he'd call her over to introduce you. I was on a first date once and my daughter walked in the same restaurant with a friend and I introduced them.
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