Chaitea Posted July 9, 2022 Posted July 9, 2022 Hey cyber world, I am struggling at the moment with trying to stop my feelings of 'ick' aka feeling put off the new man i'm seeing. I have a history of being in relationships where I was disrespected and neglected, often ignored or told i'm too intense and they aren't ready to commit. If they did commit, they were emotionally unavailable and psychologically abusive. Currently, I am seeing a man who is the complete opposite of who I have seen in the past. Initially this was so refreshing and it was amazing to feel wanted, desired and have someone invest a lot of time and energy into me. He makes me feel like I'm the jackpot and he just won. Fast forward 5 weeks of knowing each other, we have talked about moving in, getting married and potentially having a baby (in the future, not any time soon!) but it's a lot and the contact is basically non stop from wake til sleep. I am so exhausted. I've tried to tell him it's overwhelming and I need some time and space for me. This seems to have triggered him and he has mentioned a few times that he is worried he will lose me because I am perfect in his eyes. He says I'm everything he wants and needs and I'm just not sure I can say the same back? It makes me feel like :/ (that face) because logically I know it's only 5 weeks and this feels an awful lot like love bombing (there have been a few gifts for me and my son). I guess I just feel like I'm suffocating now and I really don't want to lose an amazing person! Especially after the way i've been treated. But i'm starting to want to run away and hide, which makes me feel hopeless like i'm going to be single forever and he will be the one that got away. If anyone out there has advice, that would be great. I feel like it's a lot of pressure and I'm not sure what to do :( Thanks in advance, Love and light, Chai xx
Wiseman2 Posted July 9, 2022 Posted July 9, 2022 51 minutes ago, Chaitea said: it's only 5 weeks and this feels an awful lot like love bombing there have been a few gifts for me and my son. Ok. Slow down. Dating 47 Days is the get-to-know-you time not let's move in together, have babies and get married time. Run. These are major red flags, especially his interest in your son. You're primary responsibility is protecting your son. This man is suffocating you and none of what he's doing is healthy normal or logical. Run. Tell him it's not working out and delete and block him. 4
Logo Posted July 9, 2022 Posted July 9, 2022 8 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:These are major red flags, especially his interest in your son. Everything else aside, painting his getting her AND her son gifts as “interest in your son” is how the media often ruins someone’s reputation when words or actions are taken out of context and mischaracterized. “interest in your son”? All he did was get them each gifts or a gift. He’s being nice to the mother and her son. I wouldn’t try to vilify that. The rest, yes, it’s excessive. I would wait until the 6 month mark before considering or even talking about moving in together. 4 2
Logo Posted July 9, 2022 Posted July 9, 2022 8 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: These are major red flags, especially his interest in your son. Everything else aside, painting his getting her AND her son gifts as “interest in your son” is how the media often ruins someone’s reputation when words or actions are taken out of context and mischaracterized. “interest in your son”? All he did was get them each gifts or a gift. He’s being nice to the mother and her son. I wouldn’t try to vilify that. The rest, yes, it’s excessive. I would wait until the 6 month mark before considering or even talking about moving in together. 1
smackie9 Posted July 9, 2022 Posted July 9, 2022 (edited) The opposite can still be into the same deal....he is a big red flag. Pushing for such things so early is not healthy, and can turn into someone who is controlling/pushy/possessive. You hardly know each other but he is already is naming your babies that you are going to have. I say dump him, get out of this. When they treat you like a queen/love bombing you with attention/affection, there will be an expectancy of pay back to do what they say because you owe it to them for all they did for you. Guys like him can be more dangerous than you think. If your gut is saying it's not feeling right, that's because it's not. The only way to get rid of those "ick" feelings is to get rid of him. Edited July 9, 2022 by smackie9 3
poppyfields Posted July 9, 2022 Posted July 9, 2022 (edited) 9 hours ago, Chaitea said: If they did commit, they were emotionally unavailable and psychologically abusive. Currently, I am seeing a man who is the complete opposite.... This is two sides of the SAME coin as they say. This man is also psychologically abusive but in a different more subtle way which imo is more insidious and may do even more damage to your emotional well being. He's possessive, controlling, manipulative. And when you attempt to assert healthy boundaries, he blows a gasket, freaks out, and guilt trips. Pay attention to how all this is making you feel. Anxious, nervous, off balance. The same emotions you felt with men who were more overtly abusive! Leave now and don't look back, this man is not the kind-hearted, caring man like you think. He's a wolf in sheep's clothing which makes him more dangerous imo. There should be a balance in relationships and a mutual respect of boundaries. Not one extreme to the other. That's toxic. Edited July 9, 2022 by poppyfields 5
BaileyB Posted July 9, 2022 Posted July 9, 2022 (edited) 9 hours ago, Chaitea said: Fast forward 5 weeks of knowing each other, we have talked about moving in, getting married and potentially having a baby (in the future, not any time soon!) but it's a lot and the contact is basically non stop from wake til sleep. I am so exhausted. You think? That’s way too much, way too soon. 9 hours ago, Chaitea said: I've tried to tell him it's overwhelming and I need some time and space for me. This seems to have triggered him and he has mentioned a few times that he is worried he will lose me because I am perfect in his eyes. He says I'm everything he wants and needs How exactly does he know this after the same number of weeks that he can count on one hand? A man who creates this kind of romantic fantasy about a woman should always be concerning - he’s not dealing in reality. Not to mention the fact that he hasn’t hear or respected what you have said. You need to have a hard discussion with this man and tell him that you want to enjoy every stage of the relationship, and right now it’s early stages/get to know you. You need to set a boundary with how much you want to communicate/see each other. If he continues to be “triggered” or if he does not respect your boundaries - you will have to let this go. He is not a healthy partner and he has a few things to work through before he’s ready for a relationship. Edited July 9, 2022 by BaileyB 1
ShyViolet Posted July 9, 2022 Posted July 9, 2022 13 hours ago, Chaitea said: Fast forward 5 weeks of knowing each other, we have talked about moving in, getting married and potentially having a baby (in the future, not any time soon!) but it's a lot and the contact is basically non stop from wake til sleep. I am so exhausted. I've tried to tell him it's overwhelming and I need some time and space for me. This seems to have triggered him and he has mentioned a few times that he is worried he will lose me because I am perfect in his eyes. You need to RUN, not walk, away from this man and this situation. This is all completely inappropriate and dysfunctional. Red flags all over the place. It is not normal or healthy to be talking about marriage and moving in together when you've known each other 5 weeks... I don't care if it's said with the caveat of "not now, in the future". Still, completely inappropriate. This guy is love bombing you. He sounds like the kind of guy who will be obsessed with you and not "let" you leave if you try to break up. Trust your gut and GET OUT of this relationship. You seriously need to get into therapy to work on your issues. You are not ready to date until you develop better judgment and learn to make better choices in relationships. 1
Logo Posted July 10, 2022 Posted July 10, 2022 This might feel better than other relationships you’ve had. But, just because it’s better in some ways, doesn’t mean it’s healthy or good for you. I have learned that if a relationship doesn’t feel good or right or doesn’t make me feel comfortable from the start, or especially, at the start, then it’s not going to be much different 10 months from now. It’s best to get out of relationships that cause emotional discomfort sooner than later and move on. There could be someone amazing just around the corner instead of wasting time with someone that’s just not right for us. 2
ExpatInItaly Posted July 10, 2022 Posted July 10, 2022 20 hours ago, Chaitea said: Fast forward 5 weeks of knowing each other, we have talked about moving in, getting married and potentially having a baby Yikes. It's way too soon for any talk of this. You barely know this guy. 20 hours ago, Chaitea said: he has mentioned a few times that he is worried he will lose me because I am perfect in his eyes. He says I'm everything he wants and needs Again, this is nuts coming from someone you have known 5 weeks. 20 hours ago, Chaitea said: this feels an awful lot like love bombing (there have been a few gifts for me and my son). It is love-bombing. And gifts for your son? Hale no. I hope you didn't accept them. 20 hours ago, Chaitea said: I really don't want to lose an amazing person! Amazing? No, he sounds desperate and is showing you several red flags. His attempts to reel you (and your son) in are not the behaviour of an emotionally-healthy, mature partner. I would suggest taking some time off from dating, because your filter is not really tuned up enough to sift out the poor candidates. 2
Author Chaitea Posted July 10, 2022 Author Posted July 10, 2022 (edited) Thanks everyone, it's awesome to hear your thoughts. I have some serious reflecting to do and a big convo to have with him about how all of this is making me feel. Thanks for your input, it is greatly appreciated Onwards and upwards from here Chai x Edited July 10, 2022 by Chaitea 1
ExpatInItaly Posted July 10, 2022 Posted July 10, 2022 11 minutes ago, Chaitea said: a big convo to have with him about how all of this is making me feel Here's the thing: it's a red flag in and of itself that you feel compelled to have a big talk with him 5 weeks after meeting him. Personally, I would not bother. I would see this for the trainwreck it's gearing up to be, and respectfully end it. 2
Calmandfocused Posted July 10, 2022 Posted July 10, 2022 17 hours ago, poppyfields said: This is two sides of the SAME coin as they say. This man is also psychologically abusive but in a different more subtle way which imo is more insidious and may do even more damage to your emotional well being. He's possessive, controlling, manipulative. And when you attempt to assert healthy boundaries, he blows a gasket, freaks out, and guilt trips. Pay attention to how all this is making you feel. Anxious, nervous, off balance. The same emotions you felt with men who were more overtly abusive! Leave now and don't look back, this man is not the kind-hearted, caring man like you think. He's a wolf in sheep's clothing which makes him more dangerous imo. There should be a balance in relationships and a mutual respect of boundaries. Not one extreme to the other. That's toxic. I echo everything that Poppy has said above. Your “ick” is your gut instinct telling you that something is very very wrong. You know deep down that this man’s intentions are suspect. What’s confusing you is how “nice” and “into you” he is on the surface. It’s only a matter of time before you see that he’s not into you at all and that actually, he’s into himself. The Lovebombing stage can be the most dangerous part of an abuse cycle. I’m glad you feel the “ick” as a reaction to his Lovebombing (as opposed to an attachment). Good. Get out and quick! Btw, I think wiseman is getting a bit of a hard time here. Buying gifts for a love interest’s child after 5 weeks is not normal. This man’s agenda is to win over the Op by trying to win over her child. Creepy! Op, Keep you son away from this man. 1
BaileyB Posted July 10, 2022 Posted July 10, 2022 On 7/9/2022 at 4:33 AM, Chaitea said: there have been a few gifts for me and my son. I missed the fact that he had bought gifts for your son. At five weeks, my son wouldn’t even know this guy existed! 7 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said: Amazing? No, he sounds desperate Desperate is the word that I would use. As I said above, I’m always leery of men or women who decide without really knowing the other person (because after five weeks, you are still learning about each other) that the other individual is “perfect” or “everything they ever wanted in a partner.” This is fantasy talk that’s not based in reality. Add to that the fact that he is love bombing because he’s desperate to convince you that he is “the one…” His anxiety and insecurity will put a lot of pressure on you -
Wiseman2 Posted July 10, 2022 Posted July 10, 2022 On 7/9/2022 at 5:33 AM, Chaitea said: I've tried to tell him it's overwhelming and I need some time and space for me. This seems to have triggered him What do you mean by "triggered him"? What was his reaction to your discussion? You've already talked at him about too much too soon and feeling suffocated, but now he's doing it more?
glows Posted July 10, 2022 Posted July 10, 2022 (edited) On 7/9/2022 at 2:33 AM, Chaitea said: Hey cyber world, I am struggling at the moment with trying to stop my feelings of 'ick' aka feeling put off the new man i'm seeing. I have a history of being in relationships where I was disrespected and neglected, often ignored or told i'm too intense and they aren't ready to commit. If they did commit, they were emotionally unavailable and psychologically abusive. Currently, I am seeing a man who is the complete opposite of who I have seen in the past. Initially this was so refreshing and it was amazing to feel wanted, desired and have someone invest a lot of time and energy into me. He makes me feel like I'm the jackpot and he just won. Fast forward 5 weeks of knowing each other, we have talked about moving in, getting married and potentially having a baby (in the future, not any time soon!) but it's a lot and the contact is basically non stop from wake til sleep. I am so exhausted. I've tried to tell him it's overwhelming and I need some time and space for me. This seems to have triggered him and he has mentioned a few times that he is worried he will lose me because I am perfect in his eyes. He says I'm everything he wants and needs and I'm just not sure I can say the same back? It makes me feel like (that face) because logically I know it's only 5 weeks and this feels an awful lot like love bombing (there have been a few gifts for me and my son). I guess I just feel like I'm suffocating now and I really don't want to lose an amazing person! Especially after the way i've been treated. But i'm starting to want to run away and hide, which makes me feel hopeless like i'm going to be single forever and he will be the one that got away. If anyone out there has advice, that would be great. I feel like it's a lot of pressure and I'm not sure what to do Thanks in advance, Love and light, Chai xx Why is he so afraid of losing you? This doesn’t make sense and is coming from a deeply insecure place. Know that if you’re compatible it’ll show over a longer period of time without this much OTT display and drama. He’s filling a void. I would be very cautious. You’ve already told him you’re not comfortable. Please do not keep repeating yourself. Do not let it get long and drawn out. As mentioned earlier it is only 5 weeks of dating. Edited July 10, 2022 by glows 2
ShyViolet Posted July 10, 2022 Posted July 10, 2022 7 hours ago, Chaitea said: I have some serious reflecting to do and a big convo to have with him about how all of this is making me feel. I'm concerned that your only takeaway from this is to have a "big convo" with him about it. You're not really seeing the red flags for what they are. This is not a "talk it out and have a convo" type of situation, this should really be more of a "protect yourself and get away from someone who is full of red flags" type of situation. 2
BaileyB Posted July 10, 2022 Posted July 10, 2022 At five weeks, the child should not be involved in this budding relationship in any way. 1
CLS63AMG Posted July 10, 2022 Posted July 10, 2022 (edited) Hes a needy cling bomb, tell him this is pushing you away and to grow up and stop it. Its feminine behavior which is why you feel "Ick". Strong, confident men do not do that crap. Edited July 10, 2022 by CLS63AMG 1
Wiseman2 Posted July 11, 2022 Posted July 11, 2022 On 7/9/2022 at 5:33 AM, Chaitea said: If they did commit, they were emotionally unavailable and psychologically abusive. Currently, I am seeing a man who is the complete opposite Unfortunately he's not the complete opposite. He is just another variation of someone who has no boundaries and is engaging in too much too soon. While not directly psychologically abusive, suffocating you, text-tethering you 24/7, is a red flag for controlling behaviors. 3
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