Regretting matching with a guy from my gym

[lovesfool]

So there's this guy that I sometimes see in my gym that I had a bit of a crush on. I only see him maybe once a month as I figure we have different schedules, but lately I've seen him a bit more. I've never spoken to him in person but last week I saw him on a dating app and decided to message him!

Just to frame this, I only just reinstalled the app and only put up one photo of myself. So we start chatting and the conversation flowed really really well. We had things in common, he was laughing at my jokes, all good signs... or so I thought. I then said to him that I had only reinstalled the app and only had one photo, and then I shared some more photos of myself. He replied, but only to a previous unrelated message! He didn't acknowledge my photos at all!

I jokingly followed up with something along the lines of "I'm sure it's only a good sign when you don't get a comment on your photos". I'm not sure of my exact words. He hasn't replied to that message at all! And it's been about 5 days since that message, and yes he's read it and been online multiple times since.

I'm guessing either A) he's just not interested or B) he's only now recognized me from the gym and doesn't want to deal with that situation.

I'm pretty sure my chances with him are gone given his reaction, but how do I get around the likely awkwardness next time I'm in the gym? I'm sure I'll see him at some point (up until now I've been avoiding going in case I bump into him). It would have been so much better if he replied with "sorry, you're not my type" or "you're nice, but not interested". I'm a grown up, I can handle it! But now he's just made it uncomfortable because he's ignored me. Is there anything I can say to make it light-hearted and acknowledge that there's no hard feelings?

[basil67]

Sorry this happened.  Unless he initiates contact with you, just stick your earphone in and go back to like it was before you chatted.  And given that you're feeling hurt, I wouldn't recommend acknowledging that there are no hard feelings because it's not the truth.   

[ExpatInItaly]

42 minutes ago, lovesfool said:

I jokingly followed up with something along the lines of "I'm sure it's only a good sign when you don't get a comment on your photos"

In the future, avoid this sort of thing. It's obvious that it's not really a joke and sounds a little needy. 

I would not worry about running into him at the gym. Just foucs on your workout and don't make it more awkward by trying to be lighthearted. Go in, work out, and be on your way. My guess is that if he did indeed recognize you, he won't approach you in the gym now that he's ignored your messages. 

[lovesfool]

39 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Sorry this happened.  Unless he initiates contact with you, just stick your earphone in and go back to like it was before you chatted.  And given that you're feeling hurt, I wouldn't recommend acknowledging that there are no hard feelings because it's not the truth.   

I'm not hurt at all! It's honestly just trying to avoid an awkward encounter in the gym, that's all.

8 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

In the future, avoid this sort of thing. It's obvious that it's not really a joke and sounds a little needy. 

I would not worry about running into him at the gym. Just foucs on your workout and don't make it more awkward by trying to be lighthearted. Go in, work out, and be on your way. My guess is that if he did indeed recognize you, he won't approach you in the gym now that he's ignored your messages. 

What do you mean it's obvious that it's not a joke? It couldn't be seen as anything else!

I wasn't expecting him to approach me in the gym, or vice-versa, but should I pretend I don't know who he is? If we walk past each other am I supposed to blank him? Just feels weird and uncomfortable.

I had thought about if I see him the next time in the gym that afterwards I would message him with something along the lines of "Hey I think it was you I saw in the gym today. Didn't realise we went to the same one. Wouldn't have messaged you if I knew! Hope I didn't make it awkward for you. Best of luck!"

At least that way I can acknowledge it but at the same time not pursue it any further. What do you think?

 

[ExpatInItaly]

2 minutes ago, lovesfool said:

What do you mean it's obvious that it's not a joke? It couldn't be seen as anything else!

Sure, it can. You were trying to get him to comment on your photos. Yes, you framed it as a joke but it's clear you were hoping he would say something about your pics. 

4 minutes ago, lovesfool said:

I would message him with something along the lines of "Hey I think it was you I saw in the gym today. Didn't realise we went to the same one. Wouldn't have messaged you if I knew! Hope I didn't make it awkward for you. Best of luck!"

No, don't do this. He is the one who ignored you. It's on him to relieve the awkwardness if he wants to. If he doesn't make an attempt to do so, you can assume it doesn't really matter to him. You already messaged him and he blanked you. I would take the hint and leave it be. 

[lovesfool]

9 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Sure, it can. You were trying to get him to comment on your photos. Yes, you framed it as a joke but it's clear you were hoping he would say something about your pics. 

No, don't do this. He is the one who ignored you. It's on him to relieve the awkwardness if he wants to. If he doesn't make an attempt to do so, you can assume it doesn't really matter to him. You already messaged him and he blanked you. I would take the hint and leave it be. 

You can say something with meaning whilst also having a sense of humour about it!

He's made it awkward and so you're saying that I have to continue to feel awkward until he decides otherwise? Sounds a bit flawed!

I'm not sure what there is to lose by messaging him. He's obviously a lost cause either way, but at least if I follow up with an acknowledgement I could relieve some of my own awkwardness, or am I missing something?

[ExpatInItaly]

40 minutes ago, lovesfool said:

He's made it awkward and so you're saying that I have to continue to feel awkward until he decides otherwise? Sounds a bit flawed!

No, I'm saying it might make you look a bit desperate if you continue to message him after he's ignored you. 

Just let it go. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, lovesfool said:

  B) he's only now recognized me from the gym and doesn't want to deal with that situation.

Sorry this happened. It seems likely that B. He doesn't want complications at the gym he goes to.

Delete your profile and account on that app completely.

Instead get a good profile and several recent good pics on quality dating apps.

Stale old profiles get less attention and you need more than one photo. Make sure they're not selfies and there's at least one full length and one close up.

Don't keep uninstalling and reinstalling the same old apps and using the same old profile. 

As far as this guy, just let it fade away.

[introverted1]

1 hour ago, lovesfool said:

if I follow up with an acknowledgement I could relieve some of my own awkwardness,

I think the situation is already about as awkward as it can get. You sent him additional pics and, when he didn't respond, then cued him to pay you compliments, which he ignored. None of this will get less awkward by you now pretending you've only just recognized him. 

In any case, you've never spoken to him at the gym previously, so it should be no big deal to carry on not speaking to him.

[lovesfool]

52 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

No, I'm saying it might make you look a bit desperate if you continue to message him after he's ignored you. 

Just let it go. 

Desperate? How so? I've no intention of pursuing anything with him and the message would relay that. Only trying to avoid awkwardness in the gym!

38 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. It seems likely that B. He doesn't want complications at the gym he goes to.

Delete your profile and account on that app completely.

Instead get a good profile and several recent good pics on quality dating apps.

Stale old profiles get less attention and you need more than one photo. Make sure they're not selfies and there's at least one full length and one close up.

Don't keep uninstalling and reinstalling the same old apps and using the same old profile. 

As far as this guy, just let it fade away.

Thanks for the advice. Yes, I've added new photos. I had just set up my account in a hurry and never got around to choosing pictures.

14 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

I think the situation is already about as awkward as it can get. You sent him additional pics and, when he didn't respond, then cued him to pay you compliments, which he ignored. None of this will get less awkward by you now pretending you've only just recognized him. 

In any case, you've never spoken to him at the gym previously, so it should be no big deal to carry on not speaking to him.

If it's as awkward as it can get then it can do no harm in attempting to make it less awkward . And I truly was not fishing for compliments. It was supposed to be a prompt to gauge whether he was interested or not. It's a dating app so I'm well used to some guys being interested and some guys not, but I didn't expect no response at all!

I don't know if you go to gyms but there will be situations where you will be very close to each other or pass by. If you don't know each other, who cares. But if you've chatted before then you know each other to see and chat to. It's a lot different than the previous situation where you're complete strangers. I'm not sure if I'm explaining myself properly but it's most definitely a different situation!

 

[introverted1]

You are trying very hard to convince us that you don't feel rejected by him ignoring your pics, but it's obvious you do.  And I am sure it is equally obvious to him and will become even more so if you send yet another message -- he's already not responded to your last one! -- saying you wouldn't have messaged had you recognized him.

As for your time in the gym - and yes, I go to a fairly small gym so I am well aware of the dynamic -- if you see him you can acknowledge him with a small nod of the head.  Or not.  He won't care.  There is no need to force acknowledgement that you both frequent the same gym. That will only ratchet up the awkwardness.  Saying "I hope I didn't make things awkward for you" does absolutely nothing to alleviate awkwardness.

Just leave it alone. In a month, this will be distant history.

[lovesfool]

8 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

You are trying very hard to convince us that you don't feel rejected by him ignoring your pics, but it's obvious you do.  And I am sure it is equally obvious to him and will become even more so if you send yet another message -- he's already not responded to your last one! -- saying you wouldn't have messaged had you recognized him.

As for your time in the gym - and yes, I go to a fairly small gym so I am well aware of the dynamic -- if you see him you can acknowledge him with a small nod of the head.  Or not.  He won't care.  There is no need to force acknowledgement that you both frequent the same gym. That will only ratchet up the awkwardness.  Saying "I hope I didn't make things awkward for you" does absolutely nothing to alleviate awkwardness.

Just leave it alone. In a month, this will be distant history.

I don't know why you think I feel rejected and that it's "obvious". I've been ignored by plenty of guys over my years and it never bothers me. I'm used to the dating app culture. I've always unmatched and moved on. This is a very unique situation where it's a guy I have encountered in real life. I don't know why this is so hard to understand???

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, lovesfool said:

Desperate? How so?

Because it will make it seem that you can't take the hint when he ignored you that he doesn't want to communicate further. 

Go ahead and send the message if you really want. But only do so if could handle being ignored yet again, because there is no guarantee that he will acknowledge this message either. 

[BaileyB]

5 hours ago, lovesfool said:

how do I get around the likely awkwardness next time I'm in the gym?

Smile and nod and keep walking the next time you see him at the gym. 

2 hours ago, lovesfool said:

And I truly was not fishing for compliments. It was supposed to be a prompt to gauge whether he was interested or not.

It certainly seemed like you were fishing for compliments. It was a very awkward thing to say - that said, it’s very odd that he would just drop off the map at that moment. No worries - you win some and you lose some. I wouldn’t spend my time trying to decipher why he did that because it could be any number of reasons and you will likely never know why. Next time, I wouldn’t make a comment like that - whether he comments on your photos or not does not really tell you whether he is attracted or wants to date you. Asking about his impression just feels weird…

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, introverted1 said:

Saying "I hope I didn't make things awkward for you" does absolutely nothing to alleviate awkwardness.

Absolutely.

45 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Go ahead and send the message if you really want. But only do so if could handle being ignored yet again, because there is no guarantee that he will acknowledge this message either. 

Ignoring you may be the best response. He may tell you straight up that he’s not interested and ask you to leave him alone. 

Edited July 9, 2022 by BaileyB

[Weezy1973]

@lovesfool I’m not sure why it’s awkward. You expressed interest, he didn’t reciprocate. As you’ve said it happens all the time. Nothing awkward. Just continue on like normal. 

[lovesfool]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Because it will make it seem that you can't take the hint when he ignored you that he doesn't want to communicate further. 

Go ahead and send the message if you really want. But only do so if could handle being ignored yet again, because there is no guarantee that he will acknowledge this message either. 

I don't really care if he doesn't want to communicate. I'm more concerned about my own awkwardness in person!

36 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Smile and nod and keep walking the next time you see him at the gym. 

It certainly seemed like you were fishing for compliments. It was a very awkward thing to say - that said, it’s very odd that he would just drop off the map at that moment. No worries - you win some and you lose some. I wouldn’t spend my time trying to decipher why he did that because it could be any number of reasons and you will likely never know why. Next time, I wouldn’t make a comment like that - whether he comments on your photos or not does not really tell you whether he is attracted or wants to date you. Asking about his impression just feels weird…

I don't need to fish for compliments. Without being big-headed, I know there are plenty of guys who are attracted to me. At the same time I know that there are plenty of others who are not attracted to me at all. That's life!

I didn't ask for his impression. Maybe I phrased it wrong previously. Either way I had to acknowledge his message somehow and I couldn't just gloss over the fact he replied but didn't mention my photos!

34 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Absolutely.

Ignoring you may be the best response. He may tell you straight up that he’s not interested and ask you to leave him alone. 

Excellent! That's exactly what I'm looking for.

14 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

@lovesfool I’m not sure why it’s awkward. You expressed interest, he didn’t reciprocate. As you’ve said it happens all the time. Nothing awkward. Just continue on like normal. 

It's awkward because it's not just this random person floating around in cyberspace on a dating app. I've seen him in real life and I will likely see him again. Imagine if someone came up to you in person and you were chatting and you seemed to click. Then you ask to go on a date and he didn't acknowledge what you said and stopped talking in that moment. Firstly it's weird and secondly, how would you interact with him again?

[ExpatInItaly]

4 minutes ago, lovesfool said:

I'm more concerned about my own awkwardness in person!

Do you not see that this will get worse if he ignores your message again? 

 

Edited July 9, 2022 by ExpatInItaly

[BaileyB]

25 minutes ago, lovesfool said:

Firstly it's weird and secondly, how would you interact with him again?

I told you, I would smile and nod and keep walking. No need to interact with him again - 

25 minutes ago, lovesfool said:

I'm more concerned about my own awkwardness in person!

This is why you drop it, avoid going to the gym for a while when you know he will be there, or offer a polite hello and do your own thing in the future…

It doesn’t need to be more awkward than it already is. What do you expect him to say that’s going to make this less awkward?

Edited July 9, 2022 by BaileyB

[lovesfool]

25 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Do you not see that this will get worse if he ignores your message again? 

 

No, because my message was phrased in a way that doesn't warrant a response.

3 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

I told you, I would smile and nod and keep walking. No need to interact with him again - 

This is why you drop it, avoid going to the gym for a while when you know he will be there, or offer a polite hello and do your own thing in the future…

It doesn’t need to be more awkward than it already is. What do you expect him to say that’s going to make this less awkward?

Changing my routine doesn't seem to be the right way to go about it. Face your problems head on etc.

Like I said above, I don't expect him to say anything. I think it's better for me to acknowledge the whole situation and close it out. It's not for him, it's for me.

I am starting to feel like I'm the crazy one here. Maybe I'm not explaining myself properly?

[BaileyB]

31 minutes ago, lovesfool said:

Maybe I'm not explaining myself properly?

No, I think you are just really looking at the situation from your own point of view. 

The situation doesn’t really need closure from his perspective. 

[poppyfields]

8 hours ago, lovesfool said:

So we start chatting and the conversation flowed really really well. We had things in common, he was laughing at my jokes, all good signs... or so I thought. I then said to him that I had only reinstalled the app and only had one photo, and then I shared some more photos of myself. He replied, but only to a previous unrelated message! He didn't acknowledge my photos at all.

@lovesfooldid he ask you to send additional pics?  Or did you send them unsolicited? 

I am going to assume it was the latter and if so, it may not have been the pics that turned him off but rather his assumption that you sent seeking validation, look at ME, aren't I hot?  Which IS a huge turn off for some men. 

That may NOT have been your intention but that's how some men will interpret it.  It's how I interpreted it whenever men sent me unsolicited pics of themselves shirtless or whatever. 

That said, if HE asked for the additional pics, then nevermind.

To the issue at hand, walk into gym with your head high and carry on same as you did before this happened. 

Your frame should be that none of this phases you, one man's opinion shouldn't matter, you have an abundance mindset and many options. 

It's only awkward if YOU make it awkward. 

Edited July 9, 2022 by poppyfields

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, lovesfool said:

It's awkward because it's not just this random person floating around in cyberspace on a dating app. I've seen him in real life and I will likely see him again. Imagine if someone came up to you in person and you were chatting and you seemed to click. Then you ask to go on a date and he didn't acknowledge what you said and stopped talking in that moment. Firstly it's weird and secondly, how would you interact with him again?

I'm sure he's thinking you are just some random person at his gym that he had a conversation with who wants a date.  You followed up with a text and pictures then another text hinting to get a response on the photos.  He didn't comment on them or reply back because he either didn't like what he saw or didn't want to lead you on, maybe both.   

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, lovesfool said:

No, because my message was phrased in a way that doesn't warrant a response.

So, are you saying you will feel fine seeing him at the gym if he ignores your message again?

This is what it is not clear. 

[poppyfields]

5 hours ago, lovesfool said:

I've no intention of pursuing anything with him and the message would relay that

Any message you send no matter how benign you think it is, in HIS eyes, will be interpreted as a bid for attention and validation. 

It's important to be cognizant of how the other person, the recipient of your message (him!), interprets it.

Your intention may be one thing, how he interprets it, another totally different thing. 

Send nothing and as I said, walk into gym with head high and carry on as if none of this happened.

You're making it a bigger deal than it needs to be or should be imo. 

Edited July 9, 2022 by poppyfields