Julie G Posted July 9, 2022 Posted July 9, 2022 Hello, I could really use some advice from a third party who doesn't know myself or my partner. Recently, I have realized how unhappy I am with my relationship, and I was wondering if I am the problem. My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 4 years now, and have lived together for about 3 years. During this time, I took care of all responsibilites other than shared rent and groceries. I did all the chores, driving around, and anything he wanted. He would game all day long, while I worked and came home to take care of the chores and driving him places. We have had multiple conversations about how I would appreciate his help around the house, how I would appreciate if he could understand how his actions make me feel, and that I would like for things to change. He would always say he will do better and try to be more aware, but nothing ever changed. When brought up again, he would apologize and say it just doesn't stick in his head but he would really try this time, but again nothing would change. I constantly have to nag him to do simple tasks such as cleaning up after himself and washing the dishes. Why am I the only one doing anything? Why do I feell Ike I am the only one who puts any effort into this relationship? I have also shared this thought with him. In 4 years, there has been no growth. We have the same conversations all the time, about the exact same things and nothing ever changes. I always feel like he doesn't care about me nor respect me. I have told him this before, but he hasn't made any effort to hurt me less. I am currently in a very bad mental state, and I don't have the energy to give him verbal and physical affirmations that I care about him. I am exhausted just from doing my required responsibilities. I work full time and do school full time. I don't have energy to do anything for myself, let alone shower him with praise and affection whenever he hints for it. I have made him aware of this so my actions won't come off as distant or a way to ignore him. However, he continues to pressure me into doing things he wants. Is it worth continuing this relationship when there has been no growth? Am I the problem? I would appreciate any advice. Thank you for your time and consideration.
glows Posted July 9, 2022 Posted July 9, 2022 (edited) Does he work? Or is he inbetween jobs, gaming "all day"? Is he a student also? If you have different goals in general it might not work. Things seem heightened to the point where you are taking his lassitude very personally but I think he's showing himself for what he is. This is exactly who he is whether you're there or not, not because he's out to hurt you. Some people don't have any presence of mind or go about daily life blindly, day in and day out, without ever thinking of anything different. There's nothing necessarily wrong with that but if you're maturing and growing faster, or willing to improve yourself in ways that he isn't, you'll have to ask yourself if you've outgrown the relationship. Edited July 9, 2022 by glows
Els Posted July 9, 2022 Posted July 9, 2022 If a friend made this exact post, what would you tell her? Personally, the first thing I would suggest is that she not waste another second of her time on this person. And the second thing I would suggest is that she do some introspection (and perhaps talk to a therapist) about why, after all this, she would still think that the problem could be "her"? 2
giotto Posted July 9, 2022 Posted July 9, 2022 3 hours ago, Julie G said: Is it worth continuing this relationship when there has been no growth? Nope. Try and find someone who is not a man-child. 1 1
Wiseman2 Posted July 9, 2022 Posted July 9, 2022 7 hours ago, Julie G said: My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 4 years now, and have lived together for about 3 years. He would game all day long, while I worked and came home to take care of the chores and driving him places. I work full time and do school full time. Sorry this is happening. Is it your place his place or co-own, co-rented? Why can't he drive? Does he have other addictions besides gaming? It seems like a toxic parasitic relationship that is going nowhere. Depending on the living legalities, move out or give him notice to move out. Free yourself from this and reflect why you allowed this to happen. 1
Author Julie G Posted July 9, 2022 Author Posted July 9, 2022 7 hours ago, glows said: Does he work? Or is he inbetween jobs, gaming "all day"? Is he a student also? If you have different goals in general it might not work. Things seem heightened to the point where you are taking his lassitude very personally but I think he's showing himself for what he is. This is exactly who he is whether you're there or not, not because he's out to hurt you. Some people don't have any presence of mind or go about daily life blindly, day in and day out, without ever thinking of anything different. There's nothing necessarily wrong with that but if you're maturing and growing faster, or willing to improve yourself in ways that he isn't, you'll have to ask yourself if you've outgrown the relationship. At the time he did not work at all, and he is not a student. Currently he has a part time job. He games about 9 hours a day, but when he wasn't working he would game for 10 hours, take a break, and game for another 4ish. I have told him multiple times that I feel like I am the only one putting in any effort, and that I would appreciate his help. Especially since I don't have as much free time as he does for everything. Everytime he says he understands, but it doesn't seem like he does since nothing changes. I personally feel like, at this point, he doesn't care about how I feel since he doesn't make an effort no matter how many times I tell him he is hurting me or making me feel negative emotions. Thank you for your response, I appreciate it
Author Julie G Posted July 9, 2022 Author Posted July 9, 2022 5 hours ago, basil67 said: Why are you still with him? Serious question I didn't really realize these things until recently. Being in the bad mental state that I am at the moment, I don't have the energy to do everything I usually do for him, which has made me realize just how little effort he puts into this relationship. My friend has also mentioned that since I am used to living with manipulators and abusers, I didn't recognize the signs this time. Not that he is abusing me, but it does feel like there is some manipulation. Thus I have come to ask if it's all in my head, or truly a bad relationship.
Author Julie G Posted July 9, 2022 Author Posted July 9, 2022 5 hours ago, Elswyth said: If a friend made this exact post, what would you tell her? Personally, the first thing I would suggest is that she not waste another second of her time on this person. And the second thing I would suggest is that she do some introspection (and perhaps talk to a therapist) about why, after all this, she would still think that the problem could be "her"? Its hard for me to say, since I have a hard time separating myself from the situation. As for why I believe I may be the problem: Maybe I am not reliable enough, since he never communicates with me. Maybe I am not worth the energy for him to willingly help lessen my workload. Maybe my feelings are a product of my past trauma and not the current situation, and I am taking it out on him without realizing. Maybe my current mental state is the cause for these negative perceptions, and I will regret it once I am able to have mental stability. I am also a creature of habit, so it's my fault that I didn't try harder in the beginning of the relationship to push for these changes and growth. Thank you for your response, I appreciate it
Author Julie G Posted July 9, 2022 Author Posted July 9, 2022 4 hours ago, giotto said: Nope. Try and find someone who is not a man-child. Thank you for your response, I appreciate it 1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said: Sorry this is happening. Is it your place his place or co-own, co-rented? Why can't he drive? Does he have other addictions besides gaming? It seems like a toxic parasitic relationship that is going nowhere. Depending on the living legalities, move out or give him notice to move out. Free yourself from this and reflect why you allowed this to happen. Co-rented. He doesn't drive because he refuses to go for his G2 test (because why go for it when he has me to drive him places are his words). Gaming is the only one I know of, so I'd say no. Thank you for your response, I appreciate it 1
Wiseman2 Posted July 9, 2022 Posted July 9, 2022 (edited) 33 minutes ago, Julie G said: Co-rented. He doesn't drive because he refuses to go for his G2 test When the lease is up, go your separate ways. In addition to your work and school you can't be a grown man's mother, chauffeur and meal ticket. You can talk at him all you wish, but he is coasting along on your back, so stop enabling that. Let him take public transport, do his own cooking, shopping, laundry, etc. Put a passcode on the Wi-Fi/cable he games with and turn it off when you are at work/school. If you do not drive him, he will have to take Uber/public transport, finish his driver's license and get, finance and insure a vehicle. If you stop shopping/cooking he can starve or get take out. If you stop doing his chores, let him wear his underwear inside out. He really belongs home with his parents or in a homeless shelter . Edited July 9, 2022 by Wiseman2 3 1
BaileyB Posted July 9, 2022 Posted July 9, 2022 9 hours ago, Julie G said: I did all the chores, driving around, and anything he wanted. He would game all day long, while I worked and came home to take care of the chores and driving him places. You have put up with this for three years? I wouldn’t have lasted three weeks? I want a boyfriend, a partner, not a dependent. 3
BrinnM Posted July 9, 2022 Posted July 9, 2022 (edited) 10 hours ago, Julie G said: Is it worth continuing this relationship when there has been no growth? Am I the problem? No and no! See, you’ve tried to point out to him what the problem is, multiple times, and he just placates you & then continues doing what he wants to do. This is not a partnership. He clearly has very little respect for you, and this will not change. Do you love him? Do you guys have future plans that you share? Personally, I know VERY few women (or none, actually) who would put up with this long-term, and even if there’s “Love” in the beginning, this leech-ish behavior would chip away at the love & respect they have for their boyfriends day by day, until there’s nothing left. Hasn’t that happened to you yet? If you think 2 years ahead, do you think you will be happier in your relationship? I don’t think so. In order to avoid wasting more time in a one-sided situationship, you should start planning: planning where to move to, planning when and how to tell him, planning how and when to start dating again, saving up some money, and so forth. Look at it as something exciting! This will improve your life. New and better things are ahead of you, if you just let them IN!! Don’t stay stuck. I know change can be scary, but the change you’ll experience will very likely make your life better. You will feel empowered without a boyfriend who contributes very little and drags you down. You are so ambitious and strong, and hard-working! Full-time job, full-time student, imagine that! Your future is bright. Be brave! Edited July 9, 2022 by BrinnM 1
Author Julie G Posted July 9, 2022 Author Posted July 9, 2022 1 hour ago, BaileyB said: You have put up with this for three years? I wouldn’t have lasted three weeks? I want a boyfriend, a partner, not a dependent. Yes, same here. I have also told him that I want an equal partnership 1 hour ago, BrinnM said: No and no! See, you’ve tried to point out to him what the problem is, multiple times, and he just placates you & then continues doing what he wants to do. This is not a partnership. He clearly has very little respect for you, and this will not change. Do you love him? Do you guys have future plans that you share? Personally, I know VERY few women (or none, actually) who would put up with this long-term, and even if there’s “Love” in the beginning, this leech-ish behavior would chip away at the love & respect they have for their boyfriends day by day, until there’s nothing left. Hasn’t that happened to you yet? If you think 2 years ahead, do you think you will be happier in your relationship? I don’t think so. In order to avoid wasting more time in a one-sided situationship, you should start planning: planning where to move to, planning when and how to tell him, planning how and when to start dating again, saving up some money, and so forth. Look at it as something exciting! This will improve your life. New and better things are ahead of you, if you just let them IN!! Don’t stay stuck. I know change can be scary, but the change you’ll experience will very likely make your life better. You will feel empowered without a boyfriend who contributes very little and drags you down. You are so ambitious and strong, and hard-working! Full-time job, full-time student, imagine that! Your future is bright. Be brave! I do love him, and we did have future plans. However, I have told him that I don't feel respected and valued in this relationship and thus am currently considering a break. He is attempting to try more, or so he says. I am a people pleaser with abandonment and trust issues. However, I get attached easily. As such, I did not realize until recently that this relationship was making me feel this way. I told him as soon as I realized, as I didn't want to let that realization fester unsaid. I have also come to the understanding that I will not be happy in this relationship if nothing changes, but that I also can't trust his word that he will try as he has always said that without showing results. I have told him this too. Actions speak louder than words. Currently, we have had this specific conversation 3 times in 2 months, the most recent being last night. I am tired of ways repeating myself and putting my feelings out there just for it to feel as if it was ignored each time because nothing changes. Thank you for your response, I really appreciate it it has helped a lot
BrinnM Posted July 9, 2022 Posted July 9, 2022 10 minutes ago, Julie G said: Thank you for your response, I really appreciate it it has helped a lot You’re welcome! And yes, I understand. The more you say the same thing over and over again, with him just nodding and agreeing, but not changing anything, the more frustrated you will be in the long run. 1 1
ExpatInItaly Posted July 9, 2022 Posted July 9, 2022 (edited) 3 hours ago, Julie G said: Currently he has a part time job. He games about 9 hours a day, but when he wasn't working he would game for 10 hours, take a break, and game for another 4ish. I would have no respect for a grown-ass man who barely works (without a valid reason) and games all day. Seriously. Huge turn-off. Time to lose the boy and find yourself a grown-up. P.S. How old is he, anyway? And you? Why doesn't he work full-time? Edited July 9, 2022 by ExpatInItaly 2
smackie9 Posted July 9, 2022 Posted July 9, 2022 You can't spray paint a turd gold and expect it to be gold...it's still a turd. Dump this chump and find a man that's actually a MAN. 1 1
poppyfields Posted July 9, 2022 Posted July 9, 2022 (edited) 3 hours ago, Julie G said: I didn't really realize these things until recently. Being in the bad mental state that I am at the moment, I don't have the energy to do everything I usually do for him, which has made me realize just how little effort he puts into this relationship. My friend has also mentioned that since I am used to living with manipulators and abusers, I didn't recognize the signs this time. Not that he is abusing me, but it does feel like there is some manipulation. Thus I have come to ask if it's all in my head, or truly a bad relationship. @Julie Gthis^ post reflects a serious lack of self-worth and esteem. Frankly, I don't think you're emotionally prepared to be in any relationship until you resolve your tendency to not recognize serious red flags, abusers and manipulators. And blaming yourself for their inadequacies. NO, his laziness and dysfunction, is NOT your fault. What IS your fault is choosing to stay. My advice is leave ASAP and seek professional help otherwise you will continue to be drawn to and remain with these toxic losers. It will be a tough road, but worth it in the end, good luck. Edited July 9, 2022 by poppyfields 1
Author Julie G Posted July 9, 2022 Author Posted July 9, 2022 20 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: I would have no respect for a grown-ass man who barely works (without a valid reason) and games all day. Seriously. Huge turn-off. Time to lose the boy and find yourself a grown-up. P.S. How old is he, anyway? And you? Why doesn't he work full-time? I am 23 and he is 24. He did not want a full time job as he claims it is hard on his foot. I don't know what's wrong with his foot other than an ingrown toenail that was taken out, so I don't really know. 1
stillafool Posted July 9, 2022 Posted July 9, 2022 7 minutes ago, smackie9 said: You can't spray paint a turd gold and expect it to be gold...it's still a turd. LOL, I spit my coffee on my screen laughing. 4
Author Julie G Posted July 9, 2022 Author Posted July 9, 2022 2 minutes ago, poppyfields said: @Julie Gthis post reflects a serious lack of self-worth and esteem. Frankly, I don't think you're emotionally prepared to be in any relationship until you resolve your tendency to not recognize serious red flags, abusers and manipulators. And blaming yourself for their inadequacies. NO, his laziness and dysfunction, is NOT your fault. What IS your fault is choosing to stay. My advice is leave ASAP and seek professional help otherwise you will continue to be drawn to and remain with this toxic losers. It will be a tough road, but worth it in the end, good luck. That is correct. My mental state at this time is quite bad. In the beginning, the relationship was new so these issues didn't seem like a big deal. I figured we would grow with time. At some point, I just got used to it and didn't actively seek change, and that's how we got to this point. It is definitely something I need to work on. I realize that staying will not make things better, and I appreciate that you put it bluntly so I can fully realize the impact my actions have. Thank you for your response, I appreciate it 1
smackie9 Posted July 9, 2022 Posted July 9, 2022 Like I always say..date those who treat you the way you want to be treated...no more giving them the benefit of a doubt or "oh they will change" BIG waste of time. Be picky because this is your life and you owe it to yourself to have a joyous loving relationship where you are treated with respect..not taken for granted. Buying love being their servant is not the way. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted July 9, 2022 Posted July 9, 2022 22 minutes ago, Julie G said: I am 23 and he is 24. He did not want a full time job as he claims it is hard on his foot. I don't know what's wrong with his foot other than an ingrown toenail that was taken out, so I don't really know. Oh, good lord. This man is a lazy child. You can do better than this. 1 1
Weezy1973 Posted July 9, 2022 Posted July 9, 2022 @Julie G Don’t take his lack of effort personally. It has nothing to do with you. This is just who he is; you can take it or leave it, but hoping or asking him to change won’t work. You have to accept him the way he is, and then decide if that who you want to be with. 1
Versacehottie Posted July 9, 2022 Posted July 9, 2022 It feels like you are his mom not his girlfriend. No wonder you are exhausted and not feeling great. I don't think there is any way back from this. He's a burden to you. I would think you'd lost all respect for him but questioning if you are the problem sort of points to you having little or lost respect for yourself. So technically I wouldn't say you are the problem, of course but you need to have a more elevated/high standards conversation with yourself (and build on it by improving your self esteem) as it took 2 people to get into this stiuation. That's important so you don't get into another dependent sort of relationship or one that really is not great for you. You have to also tell yourself that you have and are growing and will continue to grow but this guy is not showing you that for himself or the relationship so the relationship has run its course. Good luck 1 1
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