Alpacalia Posted July 8, 2022 Posted July 8, 2022 3 minutes ago, Brand11 said: Like in what way? I mean i guess i do i dont even really know what that means exactly You know. Make eye contact. Give an arm a stroke. Hug. Work her personal space. Sexual tension is also silent.
ccas93 Posted July 8, 2022 Posted July 8, 2022 (edited) 47 minutes ago, Brand11 said: I wish i could explain it but I'm one of the most laid back people. Completely chill, we sit at a bar, just nicely talk about eachothers lives, things we like to do, jobs, school, all of those normal things you would talk about to ya know, get to know someone. There's absolutely nothing out of the ordinary. I talk, i let her talk, i make sure we both get enough talking in. We enjoy all of the same things so when you say things in common i can write down the 12 things we do have in common so that cant be it. well maybe that's it, they like you and find you physically attractive and nice enough to kiss, but the connection is too "chill and ordinary" and there's not enough feeling to want to find the time and energy to go out again once they are back home. Maybe work on getting the ones you're more attracted to to feel something unique, other than "this guy is nice and polite and ordinary" As someone who is pretty laid back with most people in person, I can tell you a lot of people appreciate it, and def puts you above the asses and weirdos, but sometimes it can work against you and can bore people and make them think your personality is bland. Esp when you are competing against lots of other men. Edited July 8, 2022 by ccas93
Author Brand11 Posted July 8, 2022 Author Posted July 8, 2022 (edited) 12 minutes ago, Alpacalia said: You know. Make eye contact. Give an arm a stroke. Hug. Work her personal space. Sexual tension is also silent. I do that, i make sure to keep eye contact a lot and stay physical without it seeming over done. So yeah i do that throughout the date at least when possible. Sometimes we are sitting across from eachother out to eat or something Edited July 8, 2022 by Brand11 1
Author Brand11 Posted July 8, 2022 Author Posted July 8, 2022 10 minutes ago, ccas93 said: well maybe that's it, they like you and find you physically attractive and nice enough to kiss, but the connection is too "chill and ordinary" and there's not enough feeling to want to find the time and energy to go out again once they are back home. Maybe work on getting the ones you're more attracted to to feel something unique, other than "this guy is nice and polite and ordinary" As someone who is pretty laid back with most people in person, I can tell you a lot of people appreciate it, and def puts you above the asses and weirdos, but sometimes it can work against you and can bore people and make them think your personality is bland. Esp when you are competing against lots of other men. I mean i think im pretty not ordinary at least according to my friends both girls and guys. Again it's one date so like it's hard to do much else, it's easier to get away from that on subsequent dates but maybe im just asking for too much information on the first date? Like I just dont know. You can day things like that and it sounds fair but at the same time what else does any guy do? And honestly, if you dont like me for who i am and the guy has to try hard to put on an act in order to for it to not be boring then i wouldnt even want them anyways so hopefully that's not it. If you like the person then you should be fine just with their company
Alpacalia Posted July 8, 2022 Posted July 8, 2022 16 minutes ago, Brand11 said: And honestly, if you dont like me for who i am and the guy has to try hard to put on an act in order to for it to not be boring then i wouldnt even want them anyways so hopefully that's not it. If you like the person then you should be fine just with their company This is a wonderful mindset to have.
ccas93 Posted July 8, 2022 Posted July 8, 2022 (edited) 29 minutes ago, Brand11 said: You can day things like that and it sounds fair but at the same time what else does any guy do? Do you want to just be "any guy"? You want to stand out to the women you like, not just be "any guy." Putting yourself in the "any guy" median bell curve isn't going to work in your favor with above average women who have options. Esp in 2022 with how connected everyone is these days. A lot of guys who do well with (hot) women are good at being funny, edgy, unpredictable, etc bringing something to the table that isn't just being nice, that affects her emotions and gets her hooked for more. You can do this on a first date, and even if you are not naturally like this you can always work on refining your conversational humor. It doesn't mean being fake or putting on an act. 29 minutes ago, Brand11 said: And honestly, if you dont like me for who i am and the guy has to try hard to put on an act in order to for it to not be boring then i wouldnt even want them anyways so hopefully that's not it. If you like the person then you should be fine just with their company It sounds to me like there are plenty of girls that like you for your ordinary company, just not the ones you want. And the ones that you aren't entertaining enough for, well you don't want them anyways, like you just said. I recommend if you're not willing to develop your dating personality, then just keep playing the numbers game, and hope one of the girls you like eventually wants to go past date #1 with you. Edited July 8, 2022 by ccas93
Author Brand11 Posted July 8, 2022 Author Posted July 8, 2022 21 minutes ago, Alpacalia said: This is a wonderful mindset to have. I have 2 more dates this weekend and 2 next weekend so we'll see. One of them i walked into her job to pick up food and she literally followed me out the door as i was going to my car and asked for my number. She's been texting me for a while though so we're finally going out. One of the very few if not first girls im going out with that we at least met in person first. Another one of them we've talked on insta for one day and she asked me out that day so seems like she's serious 1
Author Brand11 Posted July 8, 2022 Author Posted July 8, 2022 20 minutes ago, ccas93 said: Do you want to just be "any guy"? You want to stand out to the women you like, not just be "any guy." Putting yourself in the "any guy" median bell curve isn't going to work in your favor with above average women who have options. Esp in 2022 with how connected everyone is these days. A lot of guys who do well with (hot) women are good at being funny, edgy, unpredictable, etc bringing something to the table that isn't just being nice, that affects her emotions and gets her hooked for more. You can do this on a first date, and even if you are not naturally like this you can always work on refining your conversational humor. It doesn't mean being fake or putting on an act. It sounds to me like there are plenty of girls that like you for your ordinary company, just not the ones you want. And the ones that you aren't entertaining enough for, well you don't want them anyways, like you just said. I recommend if you're not willing to develop your dating personality, then just keep playing the numbers game, and hope one of the girls you like eventually wants to go past date #1 with you. I mean idk how to be someone other than myself, like i said im plenty fun and edgy according to like 23 or so friends so i mean what else do i do? I find "trying" to win someone as cringey and unauthentic. And that's probably why when they do get into a relationship they go through about 7 different break ups, cause those guys aren't actually real at all. Im sure it works for like 3 months then they break up anyways As i said before, why even go out with me? You dont have to go out with me. I see people get turned down left and right for dates. Barely anyone turns me down for dates so what's the problem
ccas93 Posted July 8, 2022 Posted July 8, 2022 (edited) 5 minutes ago, Brand11 said: I mean idk how to be someone other than myself, like i said im plenty fun and edgy according to like 23 or so friends so i mean what else do i do? I find "trying" to win someone as cringey and unauthentic. Not sure where you got this from or what you're quoting. All I know is I'm almost 29, and thank god I've grown as a person and developed my personality since say 22-23. If I had never developed myself or worked on my personality, I'd really be screwed. And it's never too late. Edited July 8, 2022 by ccas93 1
Author Brand11 Posted July 8, 2022 Author Posted July 8, 2022 (edited) 3 minutes ago, ccas93 said: Not sure where you got this from or what you're quoting. All I know is I'm almost 29, and thank god I've grown as a person and developed my personality since say 22-23. If I had never developed myself or worked on my personality, I'd really be screwed. And it's never too late. How do you work on a personality? I'm just dying to know what that even is other than putting on an act like. The only thing i could see is if you're maybe rude and mean? Then sure you can tone that down and be a nicer person Edited July 8, 2022 by Brand11 1
Ami1uwant Posted July 8, 2022 Posted July 8, 2022 2 hours ago, Brand11 said: I've been told im good and theres been many girls that come back for more and more so must be fine in the kissing department Aggressive in what way? A lot of the times I'm not even the one doing anything, they get close to me and come onto me, it's mutual Maybe what do you mean by class? I mean i have a really really nice car and house and things but why would someone turn down for that? As i said there are some girls that do really like me but they're either completely crazy, never stop talking, dont talk at all or contribute to anything, dont do anything physical, arent into 1 single thing that im into, live really far, etc. Those are valid reasons not "oh we dont feel a connection" People who never stop talking or do t talk are nervous behavior habits. E erroneously behaves differently. class means thinks like (1) economic class based on career. If you a in a low education field dating someone with a masters+ education ( or reverse in you being successful and she not) (2) differences in race/ religion/ family style. She thinking parents won’t approve ifyou or your family won’t approve of her. (3) you have wealth and she doesn’t or she has and you don’t. so e women didn’t want to kiss you but you might have forced your way. Or in your process you felt thrm up and they took offense to it.
ccas93 Posted July 8, 2022 Posted July 8, 2022 (edited) right, so with your logic - rude and mean guy don't get girls, nice ordinary guys do 31 minutes ago, Brand11 said: How do you work on a personality? I'm just dying to know what that even is other than putting on an act like. The only thing i could see is if you're maybe rude and mean? Then sure you can tone that down and be a nicer person My personality has improved due to working on the following area -more interests -more cultured -better read/more educated -better social and conversational skills -more socially nuanced - can read people's intentions a lot better -better humor -not putting up with BS and letting people walk over me -better understanding of my core values and who I am -way more accomplished in my field -stronger with my opinions and beliefs I am not nicer. Not saying I'm perfect or everything I want to be, but I do a whole lot better in life now than 7 or even 4-5 years ago. Edited July 8, 2022 by ccas93
Author Brand11 Posted July 8, 2022 Author Posted July 8, 2022 19 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said: People who never stop talking or do t talk are nervous behavior habits. E erroneously behaves differently. class means thinks like (1) economic class based on career. If you a in a low education field dating someone with a masters+ education ( or reverse in you being successful and she not) (2) differences in race/ religion/ family style. She thinking parents won’t approve ifyou or your family won’t approve of her. (3) you have wealth and she doesn’t or she has and you don’t. so e women didn’t want to kiss you but you might have forced your way. Or in your process you felt thrm up and they took offense to it. What does class have to do with it though? Wouldnt someone want to be with someone that has their life together a lot All the kissing i do is completely mutual, usually they are the ones leaning into me first, and just while kissing they initiating the tongue action and everything. It's not always just a short small kiss It's like full blown making out NOT initiated by me. I just go with their moves
Author Brand11 Posted July 8, 2022 Author Posted July 8, 2022 (edited) 12 minutes ago, ccas93 said: right, so with your logic - rude and mean guy don't get girls, nice ordinary guys do My personality has improved due to working on the following area -more interests -more cultured -better read/more educated -better social and conversational skills -more socially nuanced - can read people's intentions a lot better -better humor -not putting up with BS and letting people walk over me -better understanding of my core values and who I am -way more accomplished in my field -stronger with my opinions and beliefs I am not nicer. Not saying I'm perfect or everything I want to be, but I do a whole lot better in life now than 7 or even 4-5 years ago. Those are all fair and good values i totally agree and im happy for you. I do have all of those things and have had them for a long time so i just dont know what else to exactly change or work on I have like a college thesis level novel on all the thing's im interested in lol Edited July 8, 2022 by Brand11
ccas93 Posted July 8, 2022 Posted July 8, 2022 10 minutes ago, Brand11 said: Those are all fair and good values i totally agree and im happy for you. I do have all of those things and have had them for a long time so i just dont know what else to exactly change or work on I have like a college thesis level novel on all the thing's im interested in lol That list wasn’t tailored to your specific situation so much but to show you can in fact improve yourself without faking it. I was just trying to highlight a possible area of improvement when you were priding yourself on being very ordinary. But like I said maybe just keep playing the numbers game and hope somebody eventually likes you as much as you like them
lonelyplanetmoon Posted July 8, 2022 Posted July 8, 2022 4 hours ago, Brand11 said: See my other reply above about why the couple girls that do like me i would never consider. You cant tell me you would want to be with someone like that. I have a choice to either be with nobody or be with someone I'm not happy with? I dont think that's a good deal The girls I'm into are not superficial idk what that even means. Like i said. We have great conversation, they are fun to talk to, they like to go out and do things, they are into the same hobbies and interests as me, they have a job and a life, they live close by, etc etc. Whats superficial about those being my preferences? No I am not buying it. You are now generalizing about all the girls. You really think that I believe out of all the hundreds of dates the girls are either one category or another based on just one date? I think as soon as a girl shows interest, you immediately put her in the undesirable category. It is safer that way. I am not saying you need to settle for what you don’t like but sometimes you don’t know what you like or don’t like until you try it out. ‘if you read Gaeta’s history you will see that she also goes through a lot of dates. A lot of first dates.but she also takes a chance on some of them even though she is unsure. I am not seeing you do that. As for connecting, I have a bf. And what made me want to see him again was that he made me feel that he was capable of accepting me as I am without criticism or judgement. He made me feel that he can genuinely care about me as a person. These for me are the connecting points. Without them it is uncomfortable 1
Alpacalia Posted July 9, 2022 Posted July 9, 2022 (edited) 13 hours ago, Brand11 said: How do you work on a personality? I'm just dying to know what that even is other than putting on an act like. The only thing i could see is if you're maybe rude and mean? Then sure you can tone that down and be a nicer person For example, if I were to speak for myself, I would say that I am not the most effective communicator. The thing is, I would say I am an equal kinesthetic and auditory learner and communicator (just recently I discovered that about myself). So maybe I need to develop my communication skills. Find out your learning style so you can practice active listening. These things, for instance, help cultivate your individuality. Edited July 9, 2022 by Alpacalia
Wiseman2 Posted July 9, 2022 Posted July 9, 2022 Texting for weeks and months before meeting is a huge mistake. You overinvest and build imaginary expectations. Then it dismantles on the first meeting. Texting is not dating and you can't build rapport with someone you won't meet through messaging. Next time after a couple of messages, suggest meeting for a coffee/ drink in a timely manner, say a week or so after contact. Generally people who won't meet in a timely fashion are red flags and people who won't suggest meeting are seen as timewasters.
poppyfields Posted July 9, 2022 Posted July 9, 2022 (edited) 22 hours ago, Brand11 said: I do that, i make sure to keep eye contact a lot and stay physical without it seeming over done. So yeah i do that throughout the date at least when possible. Sometimes we are sitting across from eachother out to eat or something This seems contrived and forced. You cannot create energy/ chemistry, it simply exists between two people, mutually. It's either there or not. There is a lot of focus on "Game" in today's dating environment but will go to my grave believing if the energy between you doesn't exist naturally, no amount of Game or any other strategy is going to change that. Again, it's contrived, forced and unnatural. This may be why the women you like reject you. They view your actions as trying too hard and desperate. YOU may believe you're acting relaxed and cool, but it's important to be aware of how it's coming across to women. No offense but just reading your posts about how you behave with women you like comes off a bit cringe to me (sorry). It can be very subtle but women can sense it. Consider this: With the woman you DO like, behave the same as you do with the women you DON'T like but who like you. If you think about it, you might realize there's a distinct difference in the two behaviors. Edited July 9, 2022 by poppyfields
Alpacalia Posted July 10, 2022 Posted July 10, 2022 On 7/8/2022 at 1:09 PM, Brand11 said: I have 2 more dates this weekend and 2 next weekend so we'll see. One of them i walked into her job to pick up food and she literally followed me out the door as i was going to my car and asked for my number. She's been texting me for a while though so we're finally going out. One of the very few if not first girls im going out with that we at least met in person first. Another one of them we've talked on insta for one day and she asked me out that day so seems like she's serious That's great! Having a lot of dates and attracting a lot of attention from women seems to not be a problem for you. With those who aren't interested in you, if you dwell on the idea that you are desperate for something from them and that there is "no connection," you will likely feel insecure and awkward. Focus on the qualities you already have that make you desirable, magnetic, intelligent, funny, and knowledgeable. Just be the best version of yourself and if the chemistry is right, assuming she's smart and savvy, she'll choose you. Still, it often seems to come down to the fact that not everyone is for everyone. While you may be an ideal match for some women, there will always be occasions when you are not an ideal match for others. It is inevitable that some conversations will not go as you would like them to and some women will not feel a connection with you regardless of the actions you take. Statistics, for all intents and purposes, makes no difference. It is only necessary to find your ideal woman once. Once you do, all statistics become meaningless.
ccas93 Posted July 10, 2022 Posted July 10, 2022 There are major patterns going on to get the "same reaction 90% of the time" after "300 dates". at some point the guy has to look at himself IMO
Alpacalia Posted July 10, 2022 Posted July 10, 2022 (edited) Perhaps. I can't imagine going on that many dates and not finding a connection with someone. I wonder what the ideal qualities are that you like to see in a woman? Is it a long list? What are those qualities? It might show that you are rather fussy (depending on what it is). If so, it is unlikely that any woman will fit the bill. A majority of women will not fit the bill, in fact. Edited July 10, 2022 by Alpacalia
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