Not Feeling a Connection

[Brand11]

So I'm a 27 male and never really been in a relationship

I've gone on hundreds of dates, probably about 250-300 dates. They're mostly from dating apps or messaging on social media. For some reason we talk a lot, everything is going great, we're both excited to finally go out.

Most of time the date feels good, we talk about things we're into, get to know eachother, convo flows well the entire time, no weird moments.

Most of the time after the date we make out for a long time. So it's like you must feel good about it that you're making out with me right?

Then the next day energy is completely different, they dont act interested at all. And then 90% of them say the same exact line

"I didnt feel a connection"

And this only comes from girls that I'm actually into and really like and want to move forward with. The only girls that dont say that and want to move on are ones I'm not crazy about and dont want to move foward.

What is this and what more can someone possibly do? Why does nobody I actually like go further?

Edited July 7, 2022 by Brand11

[basil67]

Perhaps the girls you like are the girls which all the guys like and so they have more options.

What are the differences between the girls you like and the ones which you're not into?

[Ami1uwant]

3 hours ago, Brand11 said:

So I'm a 27 male and never really been in a relationship

I've gone on hundreds of dates, probably about 250-300 dates. They're mostly from dating apps or messaging on social media. For some reason we talk a lot, everything is going great, we're both excited to finally go out.

Most of time the date feels good, we talk about things we're into, get to know eachother, convo flows well the entire time, no weird moments.

Most of the time after the date we make out for a long time. So it's like you must feel good about it that you're making out with me right?

Then the next day energy is completely different, they dont act interested at all. And then 90% of them say the same exact line

"I didnt feel a connection"

And this only comes from girls that I'm actually into and really like and want to move forward with. The only girls that dont say that and want to move on are ones I'm not crazy about and dont want to move foward.

What is this and what more can someone possibly do? Why does nobody I actually like go further?

I have a feeling you are trying to reach out of your league.  These women will have multiple suitors so you don’t win.

[ccas93]

lets say on paper you are a fit, reasonably attractive guy with an above average career. You will probably have some women liking you and hitting you up, but not hundreds per day. 

Lets say you give a woman these exact traits for her profile. if you live in an urban area, she will have thousands of men contacting her. 

I have encountered the same thing you're dealing with though in a different way than you, conventionally attractive women usually want to keep exploring these options. They're a lot quicker to next you for any little thing. Even if you are literally punching your weight and looking for someone who really is similar to you. It's really hard not to "date down" on dating apps. Just my personal experience.  

Edited July 7, 2022 by ccas93

[PotatoHead]

On dating apps, men have to lower their standards while women get to increase theirs.  It is highly unlikely to find someone that is a good match without feeling like you're having to settle.

[poppyfields]

16 hours ago, Brand11 said:

Most of the time after the date we make out for a long time. So it's like you must feel good about it that you're making out with me right?

Yes, one would assume since these women are making out with you for a long time, they must be feeling attracted.  Makes sense to me!

There can be variables though, for example were you both drinking during the date?  If so, that might affect her attraction level.

Then the next day when she's fully sober, she has a chance to think about the date, and you, and realizes she's just not into it, didn't feel the connection.

This can happen even when no drinking was involved. 

Speaking personally, I can be having a good time and feeling attracted, in that moment, but then the next day, when no longer "in that moment" feel differently.

It's the nature of the beast as they say, try to let it roll off, take with a grain of salt. 

Dating is difficult especially now with all the apps and easy access to each other.

If you find yourself getting too attached, ease up on making out.  Briefly kiss, say goodbye, go home,, let the date marinate in your heads for a day or two, and if you're both still feeling it, schedule another. 

Edited July 7, 2022 by poppyfields

[Brand11]

2 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Yes, one would assume since these women are making out with you for a long time, they must be feeling attracted.  Makes sense to me!

There can be variables though, for example were you both drinking during the date?  If so, that might affect her attraction level.

Then the next day when she's fully sober, she has a chance to think about the date, and you, and realizes she just not into it, didn't feel the connection.

This can happen even when no drinking was involved. 

Speaking personally, I can be having a good time and feeling attracted, in that moment, but then the next day, when no longer "in the moment" feel differently.

It's the nature of the beast as they say, try to let it roll off, take with a grain of salt. 

Dating is difficult especially now with all the apps and easy access.

If you find yourself getting too attached, ease up on making out.  Briefly kiss, say goodbye, go home,, let the date marinate in your heads for a day or two, and if you're still feeling it, schedule another. 

For some reason everyone i go out with says "they dont feel a genuine connection and we dont vibe"

In actual english language what does that even mean. We talk about eachothers lives, what kinds of things we are into, and then kiss and go home. What special thing are other people doing that they are getting into relationships?

Why does everybody say okay to dates with me, but then nobody continues. Am I supposed to like jump up on the table and do a flip off of it? Like what more can i possibly do. We have a conversation that flows nonstop and never really stops. We have the same interests. There also must be physical attraction that you are jamming your tongue down my throat, she initiated that and i did not. We had 1 beer and were not intoxicated at all 

[glows]

Practice more restraint and try not to be too physical too fast as you'll give people the wrong impression. I think you may want to adjust the types of women you meet as well as they don't take you seriously.

[Brand11]

3 minutes ago, glows said:

Practice more restraint and try not to be too physical too fast as you'll give people the wrong impression. I think you may want to adjust the types of women you meet as well as they don't take you seriously.

Why does everyone say that, if the girl is coming onto me like that and i turn away from it, what message do you think that sends to them? If i kiss them then people say you shouldn't. When i dont kiss them then people say i messed up and should.

What are types of women can you tell me what types of women there are? I see them all the same like i dont see any difference, you are who you are. As long as i find you cute, you like similar things as i do, and i like talking to you then that's all you can go off of. Am i supposed to go with someone i dont like is that the trick?

[glows]

1 minute ago, Brand11 said:

Why does everyone say that, if the girl is coming onto me like that and i turn away from it, what message do you think that sends to them? If i kiss them then people say you shouldn't. When i dont kiss them then people say i messed up and should.

What are types of women can you tell me what types of women there are? I see them all the same like i dont see any difference, you are who you are. As long as i find you cute, you like similar things as i do, and i like talking to you then that's all you can go off of. Am i supposed to go with someone i dont like is that the trick?

You only kiss people whom you want to kiss and if you're too physical too fast or overeager, it can be a turn off. Don't overread into this. Dating is getting to know someone also and if you're finding women tend to withdraw from you after being physical with you, try and find out why or change what you're doing. Don't keep doing the same thing over and over.

Like I said, maybe you're going for the types of women who you find attractive but produce the poorest results in terms of dating long term. These women seem to be using you for one thing and then losing interest. 

[Gaeta]

It won't work until it does, as simple as that. Online dating isn't suppose to be easy. It's a journey in which you learn about yourself, what you want & and don't want anymore. Last time l was online took me 3.5 years and 200+ dates to meet a serious partner. Some people go on there and meet right away. It's a numbers game. 

[poppyfields]

29 minutes ago, Brand11 said:

In actual english language what does that even mean. We talk about eachothers lives, what kinds of things we are into, and then kiss and go home. What special thing are other people doing that they are getting into relationships?

Why does everybody say okay to dates with me, but then nobody continues. Am I supposed to like jump up on the table and do a flip off of it? 

No man, it's an energy between you, a certain chemisrty, vibe.  THAT'S the connection.

It's not based on anything tangible, like staus, money, your job or even how compatible you are.

Not even looks really although physical attraction IS important but it's subjective 

Again it's just an energy/vibe that's happening between both of you.  Combined with your essence, your presence. And her essence and presence.  

I assume you've never felt it?  Since you don't what I'm talking about?

It's impossible to explain if you've never felt it, but one day you will and then you'll know.

I think generally speaking, women are more in touch with their feelings about this, the natural "vibe" between you, more so than men, again generally speaking.

As to why they make out with you, I already explained.  In that moment, they're feeling it, feeling the vibe but then at home afterwards, they realize it's not happening.

You really need a thicker skin if you're gonna survive this. 

Women can be fickle during these precarious early stages, so can men for that matter. 

Again, try to let it roll off, learn to be resilient and flexible to changing nuances and circumstances.

It will improve your energy as well, which in turn will draw more women to you. 

Edited July 7, 2022 by poppyfields

[Brand11]

17 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

No man, it's an energy between you, a certain chemisrty, vibe.  THAT'S the connection.

It's not based on anything tangible, like staus, money, your job or even how compatible you are.

Not even looks really although physical attraction IS important but it's subjective 

Again it's just an energy/vibe that's happening between both of you.  Combined with your essence, your presence. And her essence and presence.  

I assume you've never felt it?  Since you don't what I'm talking about?

It's impossible to explain if you've never felt it, but one day you will and then you'll know.

I think generally speaking, women are more in touch with their feelings about this, the natural "vibe" between you, more so than men, again generally speaking.

As to why they make out with you, I already explained.  In that moment, they're feeling it, feeling the vibe but then at home afterwards, they realize it's not happening.

You really need a thicker skin if you're gonna survive this. 

Women can be fickle during these precarious early stages, so can men for that matter. 

Again, try to let it roll off, learn to be resilient and flexible to changing nuances and circumstances.

It will improve your energy as well, which in turn will draw more women to you. 

So what is it then? If i feel great chemistry and energy between us and none of these girls do, then what really is energy and chemistry?

Everyone else i know is with someone and has been with multiple people. Ive never been officially with someone. Yet im told by friends, both guys and girls, that I'm better than they are and they cant even understand why i cant find anyone. "You look so good and clean, you have a great job, a house, a sports car, your whole life is together so well. You're so much fun and i love hanging with you. I have no idea why you cant find anyone it makes no sense" is what everyone says

After the girl says she doesnt see anything between us and moving forward. So i ask her about it, why? And they have no explanation besides "no connection, no vibe" yet i somehow vibe with hundreds of other people and have huge friend groups. Other girls like me but not the ones i like, so i must be ok?
If you cant even tell me why you arent connecting with me then what am i supposed to do? If i dont like a person it's for obvious reasons. They dont present themselves well at all, they talk nonstop and dont listen, they dont talk at all and are just boring, they dont like to do anything fun, they have no hobbies or interests, they are psycho and have multiple people with kids. These are reasons to not like someone which are reasons i have for the girls i dont like. Yet you cant give me any of these reasons except for an unexplainable connection?

[poppyfields]

31 minutes ago, Brand11 said:

So what is it then? If i feel great chemistry and energy between us and none of these girls do, then what really is energy and chemistry?

Energy/chemistry is the vibe generating between both of you. 

If you feel it and she doesn't, it's not genuine chemistry/energy.  I would speculate that what YOU are feeling is sexual attraction, a physical response, which in my experience many men interpret as chemistry/energy but it's not. 

Your physical response (i.e getting hard) can be the result of a great energy/chemisrty but it can happen without great chemistry too.

If the energy/chemisry were genuine based on the natural vibe between you, you BOTH would be feeling it.

Connection by definition is the joining of TWO, one cannot feel a connection but not the other, it's literally impossible

Again, very difficult to explain if you've never felt but it entails much more than simply your physical response based on how attractive you think she is.

Nor is it about compatibility as we can be very compatible with many people but not feel any romantic chemisrty/vibe/connection with them. 

I've had men blow a gasket when I turned down a second date. Many just don't quite get it.  

They truly believe if they're feeling sexually attracted and a physical response based on my appearance or how "compatible" we are, that's chemistry. 

It's not.

 

 

 

Edited July 7, 2022 by poppyfields

[Brand11]

52 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Energy/chemistry is the vibe generating between both of you. 

If you feel it and she doesn't, it's not genuine chemistry/energy.  I would speculate that what YOU are feeling is sexual attraction, a physical response, which in my experience many men interpret as chemistry/energy but it's not. 

Your physical response (i.e getting hard) can be the result of a great energy/chemisrty but it can happen without great chemistry too.

If the energy/chemisry were genuine based on the natural vibe between you, you BOTH would be feeling it.

Connection by definition is the joining of TWO, one cannot feel a connection but not the other, it's literally impossible

Again, very difficult to explain if you've never felt but it entails much more than simply your physical response based on how attractive you think she is.

Nor is it about compatibility as we can be very compatible with many people but not feel any romantic chemisrty/vibe/connection with them. 

I've had men blow a gasket when I turned down a second date. Many just don't quite get it.  

They truly believe if they're feeling sexually attracted and a physical response based on my appearance or how "compatible" we are, that's chemistry. 

It's not.

 

 

 

I get what you're saying but how comes I know when i like someone and other times the girl knows they like me?

Like there's a very clear cut thing that happens every date i go on. There has never once been a time where we both dont like either, or we both like eachother. I swear every single girl ive met either i like her or she likes me. It's never both thinking the same thing. Are you saying the girls that like me are the same way guys are and it's just physical sexual attraction and not a real connection since i dont like them back?

Girls i stopped seeing because i didnt like, i have thought they were cute but just couldnt stand being with them. Even after i went out on a 2nd date just to see if i could see something the 2nd time and gave them plenty of a chance. 

Im telling you not only did i feel a physical/sexual attraction but i loved the things we both were into, the conversation flowing, our personalities together. There's nothing else more you can look at than those things. 

 

Edited July 7, 2022 by Brand11

[Ami1uwant]

3 hours ago, Brand11 said:

I get what you're saying but how comes I know when i like someone and other times the girl knows they like me?

Like there's a very clear cut thing that happens every date i go on. There has never once been a time where we both dont like either, or we both like eachother. I swear every single girl ive met either i like her or she likes me. It's never both thinking the same thing. Are you saying the girls that like me are the same way guys are and it's just physical sexual attraction and not a real connection since i dont like them back?

Girls i stopped seeing because i didnt like, i have thought they were cute but just couldnt stand being with them. Even after i went out on a 2nd date just to see if i could see something the 2nd time and gave them plenty of a chance. 

Im telling you not only did i feel a physical/sexual attraction but i loved the things we both were into, the conversation flowing, our personalities together. There's nothing else more you can look at than those things. 

 

What was missing after date 2?
 

 

some other thoughts….

 

1. maybe you really suck at kissing.

2. maybe you come off as to aggressive 

3. is there a large “ class” distinction between you and these women?

 

i have had dates where we kissed but nothing developed.  I think in some of the cases I was either rebound or they went back to an ex.

 

in the online dating world…it’s like the economic world and making choices.  Some have problems choosing an item if you have too many choices to sample from like different flavors of product X but if you had only a few choices you likely do select one.

 

 

 

 

[lonelyplanetmoon]

Sorry to be blunt but the problem is you.  You are only seeing the ones that reject you but are not even considering the ones who like you.

You are being too superficial and most likely going for the superficial girls.  
And deep down you are afraid of closeness and therefore you have to only want the girls who don’t want you.
Have you ever given the girls who wanted to move forward a chance?  Why not try something different than what you are doing.  Focus on finding a quality person.  You only find the quality after spending time with someone.  

[Alpacalia]

Maybe for the same reason they do not feel a connection with you, these women are unable to connect with you for the same reason that you are not able to connect with the women that you have said you are not crazy about and do not wish to move forward with.

I kind of look at it through the eyes of my female friends. I only click with a small percentage. Rather, I prefer a few close friendships versus tons of friends.  I’ve also often gone on dates with very attractive men and just felt nothing. There are very few people who are attractive to me that I feel I connect with. 

Are you too talkative and don't appreciate silence?

It seems some men think the more they speak, the more they win. Not in a woman’s mind. She interprets this as insecurity. She’ll play along. Keep the conversation going. He thinks he’s winning. She's bored out of her mind.

Connecting with a woman usually occurs when neither of you speak.

And when you do speak, it’s not about the words at all.

It’s listening to each-other’s tone and inflection.

Similar to a musical score. An intimate exchange. You’ve established a connection.

"When women tell you they didn't feel a connection on a date, what does it mean?”

It means you had none of what was described above. Also, it could just mean that, even if she's attracted to you physically, you didn't have enough in common or she's just not feeling it.

Women love with heads and hearts.

Edited July 8, 2022 by Alpacalia

[Brand11]

19 hours ago, Ami1uwant said:

What was missing after date 2?
 

 

some other thoughts….

 

1. maybe you really suck at kissing.

2. maybe you come off as to aggressive 

3. is there a large “ class” distinction between you and these women?

 

i have had dates where we kissed but nothing developed.  I think in some of the cases I was either rebound or they went back to an ex.

 

in the online dating world…it’s like the economic world and making choices.  Some have problems choosing an item if you have too many choices to sample from like different flavors of product X but if you had only a few choices you likely do select one.

 

 

 

 

I've been told im good and theres been many girls that come back for more and more so must be fine in the kissing department

Aggressive in what way? A lot of the times I'm not even the one doing anything, they get close to me and come onto me, it's mutual

Maybe what do you mean by class? I mean i have a really really nice car and house and things but why would someone turn down for that?

 

As i said there are some girls that do really like me but they're either completely crazy, never stop talking, dont talk at all or contribute to anything, dont do anything physical, arent into 1 single thing that im into, live really far, etc. Those are valid reasons not "oh we dont feel a connection"

[Brand11]

15 hours ago, lonelyplanetmoon said:

Sorry to be blunt but the problem is you.  You are only seeing the ones that reject you but are not even considering the ones who like you.

You are being too superficial and most likely going for the superficial girls.  
And deep down you are afraid of closeness and therefore you have to only want the girls who don’t want you.
Have you ever given the girls who wanted to move forward a chance?  Why not try something different than what you are doing.  Focus on finding a quality person.  You only find the quality after spending time with someone.  

See my other reply above about why the couple girls that do like me i would never consider. You cant tell me you would want to be with someone like that. I have a choice to either be with nobody or be with someone I'm not happy with? I dont think that's a good deal

The girls I'm into are not superficial idk what that even means. Like i said. We have great conversation, they are fun to talk to, they like to go out and do things, they are into the same hobbies and interests as me, they have a job and a life, they live close by, etc etc. Whats superficial about those being my preferences?

[Brand11]

13 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

Maybe for the same reason they do not feel a connection with you, these women are unable to connect with you for the same reason that you are not able to connect with the women that you have said you are not crazy about and do not wish to move forward with.

I kind of look at it through the eyes of my female friends. I only click with a small percentage. Rather, I prefer a few close friendships versus tons of friends.  I’ve also often gone on dates with very attractive men and just felt nothing. There are very few people who are attractive to me that I feel I connect with. 

Are you too talkative and don't appreciate silence?

It seems some men think the more they speak, the more they win. Not in a woman’s mind. She interprets this as insecurity. She’ll play along. Keep the conversation going. He thinks he’s winning. She's bored out of her mind.

Connecting with a woman usually occurs when neither of you speak.

And when you do speak, it’s not about the words at all.

It’s listening to each-other’s tone and inflection.

Similar to a musical score. An intimate exchange. You’ve established a connection.

"When women tell you they didn't feel a connection on a date, what does it mean?”

It means you had none of what was described above. Also, it could just mean that, even if she's attracted to you physically, you didn't have enough in common or she's just not feeling it.

Women love with heads and hearts.

See above post. Those are all reasons i dont like the girls that like me, and you can't sit there and tell me you would appreciate any of that stuff either. And i can guarantee you that I'm none of those things because i actually pay attention and make sure that I'm not.

I wish i could explain it but I'm one of the most laid back people. Completely chill, we sit at a bar, just nicely talk about eachothers lives, things we like to do, jobs, school, all of those normal things you would talk about to ya know, get to know someone. There's absolutely nothing out of the ordinary. I talk, i let her talk, i make sure we both get enough talking in. We enjoy all of the same things so when you say things in common i can write down the 12 things we do have in common so that cant be it. 

The only thing that i could even consider is silence. Isnt silence for too long like awkward silence? Do you think i should just start sitting there and not really say anything?

Do you think i should maybe try being mean? Maybe girls like someone that is mean. I feel like i should just start doing everything opposite. I wont talk, ill act mean, i wont pay attention to them, that must be the trick

Edited July 8, 2022 by Brand11

[Alpacalia]

17 minutes ago, Brand11 said:

See above post. Those are all reasons i dont like the girls that like me, and you can't sit there and tell me you would appreciate any of that stuff either. And i can guarantee you that I'm none of those things because i actually pay attention and make sure that I'm not.

I wish i could explain it but I'm one of the most laid back people. Completely chill, we sit at a bar, just nicely talk about eachothers lives, things we like to do, jobs, school, all of those normal things you would talk about to ya know, get to know someone. There's absolutely nothing out of the ordinary. I talk, i let her talk, i make sure we both get enough talking in. We enjoy all of the same things so when you say things in common i can write down the 12 things we do have in common so that cant be it. 

The only thing that i could even consider is silence. Isnt silence for too long like awkward silence? Do you think i should just start sitting there and not really say anything?

Do you think i should maybe try being mean? Maybe girls like someone that is mean. I feel like i should just start doing everything opposite. I wont talk, ill act mean, i wont pay attention to them, that must be the trick

We're just shooting things in a barrel here on what could be going on.

It's anyone's guess.

Not all people go for the same things, and not everyone can satisfy everyone's needs.

Silences need not be awkward either. In fact, someone I fell pretty hard for once was when there was silence shared between us.

Some women will connect with you, others won't.

It's not for everyone that we're a good fit.

Edited July 8, 2022 by Alpacalia

[Brand11]

7 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

We're just shooting things in a barrel here on what could be going on.

It's anyone's guess.

Not all people go for the same things, and not everyone can satisfy everyone's needs.

Silences need not be awkward either. In fact, someone I fell pretty hard for once was when there was silence shared between us.

Some women will connect with you, others won't.

It's not for everyone that we're a good fit.

Everyone keeps saying that "welll there's people out there that just aren't a good fit"

But do you know or have you heard of 1 single guy that has dated nonstop for 4 years straight and have not come across 1 person that worked out?

I wouldn't care if i went out on 3 dates this year and those 3 didnt work out. That's whatever

But when it's about 30 girls every year for the past 4 years like how is that possible?

[Alpacalia]

10 minutes ago, Brand11 said:

Everyone keeps saying that "welll there's people out there that just aren't a good fit"

But do you know or have you heard of 1 single guy that has dated nonstop for 4 years straight and have not come across 1 person that worked out?

I wouldn't care if i went out on 3 dates this year and those 3 didnt work out. That's whatever

But when it's about 30 girls every year for the past 4 years like how is that possible?

On these dates, do you ever flirt with each other at all?

Are you able to drive sexual tension when you do what you do?

[Brand11]

4 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

On these dates, do you ever flirt with each other at all?

Are you able to drive sexual tension when you do what you do?

Like in what way? I mean i guess i do i dont even really know what that means exactly