I think I'm going to ask my guy friend out on a date.

[Jessica_W_1998]

I apologize in advance for the long post but there’s some backstory to this situation. I’ve (24 f) been spend a lot of time with a guy friend (26 m) over the last few months. We’ve hung out one on one a lot, and in group situations as well. And well I’ve caught some feelings for this guy and I’m thinking I’m going to ask him out instead of waiting for him to do it.

I’ve known this guy since I was 15,  he was 17 when we first met. I actually met his sister first and I met him when I would go to their house. I’m the first to admit that I had a crush on him in high school. But he was definitely like the bad boy, class clown type and my parents would have definitely not approved of him back then.

Fast forward to last year and he moves back to our hometown after living in California for a while. He also spent time in the Marines so I had not seen him for a long time.

He started to come around a lot when his sister would have parties or our group of friends would go out so he became one of us pretty quick.

Earlier this year he and I ended up spending a day together when a couple other friends we were supposed to go hiking with canceled on us. He called me and asked if I was still ok just going with him and I said that was fine and we had an amazing day hiking together.

We actually got to talk one on one the whole day and talked about our previous relationships, our jobs, our families just anything that came up we were both really comfortable together.

So since then he and I have hung out solo quite a few times and I just think he’s such an amazing person. When I went for my job interview to get my current job he sent me the most thoughtful and funny text and I thought to myself. “I need a boyfriend just like him.” Which was quickly followed by “That’s a dumb thought. Why settle for someone like him when he’s right there for the taking?”

So I kind of mentioned it to his sister one day that I might be interested in dating him and she said she already thought we were dating and wanted to know why he hadn’t asked me. I think it’s because his last relationship (like mine) ended badly and maybe he’s a little hesitant?

Well on the Fourth we went to a party at a friends house and I watched fireworks with him and I decided that I’m going to tell him how I feel and ask him if he’d go on a date with me. I’m hoping he feels the same way.

There have been signals from him, he’ll sometimes hold my hand if we’re somewhere crowded. He’s always got a nice text for me on the days when we don’t talk on the phone or have anything planned.

So, yes I think I’m going to ask him out. What do you fine people think? I always hear guys complain that they have to make this first move. What would you think if a woman asked you out? Ladies, have you ever asked a guy out? Has anyone ever had a friendship develop into something more?

 

Edited July 6, 2022 by Jessica_W_1998

[Ami1uwant]

That’s fine in asking him.

 

what did he say about his relationship past?

[glows]

I’d prefer showing someone how I feel rather than talking. Why not lean in for a kiss and kiss him? Let him ask you out on a date if he feels the same way. 

Is he intending to stay in town or does he have plans to leave/move? He may have no intention to stay in town for long.

[salparadise]

7 hours ago, Jessica_W_1998 said:

So, yes I think I’m going to ask him out. What do you fine people think? I always hear guys complain that they have to make this first move. What would you think if a woman asked you out?

I say go for it. I'd definitely respect a woman who took the initiative to ask. The advantage to asking him on a date, as opposed to kissing him or initiating physical stuff, is that you set the expectation that you want to date... as opposed to hooking up or becoming FWBs. Too much ambiguity in this situation could be mistaken for something else. Then let him take the initiative after that. Try to have a few good dates before...

Edited July 6, 2022 by salparadise

[Alpacalia]

This could be somewhat choppy waters to navigate because he's a long-term friend.

Perhaps you could suggest to him that he ask you out?

He needs to take your advice because you want what's best for him ; - )

Maybe the next time you are having an amazing conversation about your shared interests, like music or food. “Hmm, I think we should go together some time.” If he is interested romantically, he will take the chance.

It is up to you whether you want to go bold or go home. It all depends on what you prefer.

Edited July 6, 2022 by Alpacalia

[Jessica_W_1998]

12 hours ago, Ami1uwant said:

what did he say about his relationship past?

Well he was dating a girl while he was in the Marines. After he got out they got engaged and she admitted to him that she had cheated while he was deployed. So he broke it off with her despite the fact that she didn’t want to end their relationship. I think that was a big factor in him leaving California and coming home to Ohio.

[Jessica_W_1998]

9 hours ago, glows said:

I’d prefer showing someone how I feel rather than talking. Why not lean in for a kiss and kiss him? Let him ask you out on a date if he feels the same way. 

Is he intending to stay in town or does he have plans to leave/move? He may have no intention to stay in town for long.

Well as someone who has had guys try to kiss me when I’m not interested I’m not really comfortable trying to kiss him if he’s not into me in that way. Believe me, I wouldn’t mind kissing him! But if I tried and he wasn’t into it that would be really awkward.

And yes, he’s back home permanently. He bought a house here last year and he’s got a good job. He’s definitely not leaving any time soon.

[glows]

Just now, Jessica_W_1998 said:

Well as someone who has had guys try to kiss me when I’m not interested I’m not really comfortable trying to kiss him if he’s not into me in that way. Believe me, I wouldn’t mind kissing him! But if I tried and he wasn’t into it that would be really awkward.

And yes, he’s back home permanently. He bought a house here last year and he’s got a good job. He’s definitely not leaving any time soon.

Use your intuition here. You're both spending a lot of time together and you may sense his interest already. Obviously do not kiss someone who treats you platonically, exclusively or all the time. If you're really that unsure about how he feels, he's probably not interested.

[Jessica_W_1998]

5 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

This could be somewhat choppy waters to navigate because he's a long-term friend.

Yes and this is the part that worries me. What if I ask him out and he says “I’m not into you in that way.”? That could really make our friendship, which is wonderful, awkward. But unless I am reading signals totally wrong I really do think he’s into me but he’s been hurt in the past and maybe he’s a little hesitant to put himself out there.

[Jessica_W_1998]

1 minute ago, glows said:

Use your intuition here. You're both spending a lot of time together and you may sense his interest already. Obviously do not kiss someone who treats you platonically, exclusively or all the time. If you're really that unsure about how he feels, he's probably not interested.

Yeah I’m definitely not going to just go in for a kiss or something like that. I’ve had guys in the past try to kiss me when I wasn’t interested and it was awful. I would do that to someone else. And my intuition tells me he’s interested, unless I’m completely misreading signals. 

[stillafool]

It's difficult but I would just lighten it up and the next time the two of you are talking; when it's time to leave, get up, turn to walk away, then turn back, flip your hair, and say "what time did you say you were going to pick me up Saturday night?".  Give him a big grin and walk away.

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, Jessica_W_1998 said:

Yes and this is the part that worries me. What if I ask him out and he says “I’m not into you in that way.”? That could really make our friendship, which is wonderful, awkward. But unless I am reading signals totally wrong I really do think he’s into me but he’s been hurt in the past and maybe he’s a little hesitant to put himself out there.

A hesitant guy probably isn't interested enough to consider asking you out, or even putting himself out there.

Has he been dating? When did his last relationship end? Sometimes the "it's not you, it's him" excuse holds a lot of truth, despite the clichéd nature of it.

Ultimately, you really don't want to wait around for this guy, since time is the only thing that can heal heartbreak. Plus, dating him during his recovery process could ruin a potentially great relationship down the line. It's definitely not a good idea to rebound.

I mean, if you think he's interested and wants to give it a go, try using some more obvious verbal cues. It can be as straightforward as stating the obvious by saying, “Hey, I really like spending time with you.” And see where it leads.

Edited July 6, 2022 by Alpacalia

[flitzanu]

1 hour ago, Jessica_W_1998 said:

Yes and this is the part that worries me. What if I ask him out and he says “I’m not into you in that way.”? That could really make our friendship, which is wonderful, awkward. But unless I am reading signals totally wrong I really do think he’s into me but he’s been hurt in the past and maybe he’s a little hesitant to put himself out there.

obviously there are exceptions, but as a dude, i don't often spend one-on-one time alone with female friends that i wouldn't consider dating.  

but, i do have attractive female friends that no dating will ever occur, and i will still hang out with them.

if a girl is asking me to hang out, and maybe i get the notion she MIGHT want more than friendship and i'm not into her, i'd make less priority to spend alone time with her, just so i don't put out the wrong vibe.

bottom line...is he making excuses, or is he making choices, in regard to hanging out with you?  use that info.

[Jessica_W_1998]

2 hours ago, flitzanu said:

obviously there are exceptions, but as a dude, i don't often spend one-on-one time alone with female friends that i wouldn't consider dating.  

but, i do have attractive female friends that no dating will ever occur, and i will still hang out with them.

if a girl is asking me to hang out, and maybe i get the notion she MIGHT want more than friendship and i'm not into her, i'd make less priority to spend alone time with her, just so i don't put out the wrong vibe.

bottom line...is he making excuses, or is he making choices, in regard to hanging out with you?  use that info.

Wow, this is such a good comment! I really never thought of it in this way. I would say that yes he does make time for me and not excuses. Looking at it from that perspective is actually encouraging to me.

[Ami1uwant]

5 hours ago, Jessica_W_1998 said:

Yes and this is the part that worries me. What if I ask him out and he says “I’m not into you in that way.”? That could really make our friendship, which is wonderful, awkward. But unless I am reading signals totally wrong I really do think he’s into me but he’s been hurt in the past and maybe he’s a little hesitant to put himself out there.

Go somewhere that might be a more romantic/ couples type of thing.  
 

you need to take the risk if you want a relationship e ause it can every difgicult to not know if you’ve been frirndzoned

[ShyViolet]

I'm wondering if he might view you as just a friend..... otherwise why wouldn't he have made a move by now?  I think guys are usually pretty forward when they're interested in a girl.

But I say go for it.  Find out once and for all whether he's interested.

[Jessica_W_1998]

3 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

I'm wondering if he might view you as just a friend..... otherwise why wouldn't he have made a move by now?  I think guys are usually pretty forward when they're interested in a girl.

But I say go for it.  Find out once and for all whether he's interested.

Well one way or another I’m going to find out tomorrow. We talked on the phone this evening and I asked him if we could hang out tomorrow after work.

[lonelyplanetmoon]

Timing is important.  How long has he been broken up? If he is still in the healing process then he may not be open to dating and just wanting friends.

Was he deeply in love with his ex or was it just convenient?

First question is he ready to date?

second question is he ready for relationship?

Third question is the kind of guy who likes the chase?   If he is and you make the moves it will lower your value and he may lose attraction or feel low attraction during the dating process.

Sure you may be able to date him if you ask but will you be able to keep him?

[Jessica_W_1998]

12 hours ago, lonelyplanetmoon said:

Timing is important.  How long has he been broken up? If he is still in the healing process then he may not be open to dating and just wanting friends.

Well I know he moved back here to Ohio early in 2021. So he’s been here almost a year and a half. Not sure of exactly when his relationship ended but it was sometime before he moved so probably close to two years?

Was he deeply in love with his ex or was it just convenient?

That I couldn’t answer, but they were engaged so I’d assume there were real feelings there. At least on his part.

First question is he ready to date?

I’ll find that out when I ask him!

second question is he ready for relationship?

Again let’s see first of he wants to date. If it turns into a relationship I know I wouldn’t mind.

Third question is the kind of guy who likes the chase?   If he is and you make the moves it will lower your value and he may lose attraction or feel low attraction during the dating process. 
 

That I don’t know. He’s really an attractive guy (at least to me he’s really cute) so I assume he gets flirted with a lot. Maybe not. Even with his good looks I’ve discovered that he’s kind of shy. 

Sure you may be able to date him if you ask but will you be able to keep him?

I would hope so!

 

12 hours ago, lonelyplanetmoon said:

[Jessica_W_1998]

Hi all. A little update…..I HAVE A DATE SATURDAY NIGHT!!! More details later.

Edited July 8, 2022 by Jessica_W_1998

[lonelyplanetmoon]

That is awesome! Keep us updated on how the date goes.

[poppyfields]

17 minutes ago, Jessica_W_1998 said:

Hi all. A little update…..I HAVE A DATE SATURDAY NIGHT!!! More details later.

I haven't commented, but been following, don't leave us hanging too long!  

How, when, where, what happened?!! 

[Alpacalia]

40 minutes ago, Jessica_W_1998 said:

Hi all. A little update…..I HAVE A DATE SATURDAY NIGHT!!! More details later.

Yessss, you go girl!

[Jessica_W_1998]

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

I haven't commented, but been following, don't leave us hanging too long!  

How, when, where, what happened?!! 

Hi! Sorry it took me so long to fill you all in, but I was on the phone with my best friend for a while after this!

I met up with him at his house this evening and we talked a little about this and that. Then I guess he could tell I was nervous maybe or acting different because he asked if there was something  I wanted to talk about. So I said yes there is.

And he surprised me by saying he thought we should talk about us. I asked him “Is there an us?” And he said he feels like there  is, but we just haven’t said it out loud yet.

So we both admitted that we like each other as more than just friends. So I asked him if we could make it a date next time we go out together and he said yes I’d love to go on a date with you!

All these things I had in my head that maybe I was wrong and he felt almost exactly like I did. So we both were supposed to hang out with some mutual friends this weekend but we decided that we’d rather go out just the two of us.

So that’s our plan. I told him since I had intended to ask him out today that dinner is on me and he said okay, he’ll find us something fun to do after dinner and that’s on him. 

So after all that I got a real nice hug from him and we both kind of laughed that both of us were nervous about telling each other.  
 

 

[Jessica_W_1998]

Hi to everyone who showed interest in my situation with my guy friend! We had our first “official” date Saturday night and it was amazing. We have hung out together before but this time was the first that we called it a date.

We went to a Puerto Rican restaurant then afterwards he took me to a place with batting cages. I know that sounds like a really weird choice for a date but he played baseball in high school and I played softball and we’ve been talking smack to each other about who’s the better hitter for a while now. So we went to the batting cages and had a blast laughing and talking trash to each other. Then we had ice cream and played some mini golf as well. 

It was not much different than the times we hung out as friends and just felt really natural. The only difference was that we actually kissed a few times instead of just wanting to kiss. 

I guess that’s it for now, we’re definitely going to be seeing a lot more of each other. Our first official time as a couple with a group of our friends will be at a Christmas in July party next weekend.