What next after one night stand?

[Girl_about_town]

17 hours ago, glows said:

No matter how caught up in the moment or sexually frustrated you are or what you want it to become, you hardly know anyone if you’re sleeping with them so quickly. That’s the risk you’re taking having casual sex. 

Did you feel repressed in a previous relationship? Or is this in general? Why or how did you feel repressed? How do you maintain your sexuality and feeling feminine and attractive without going to extremes? These are questions I’m putting out there, food for thought. You don’t have to answer them. 

Glad you’re feeling better.

I was repressed by my upbringing, fears, social anxiety and lastly, a long term relationship that was sexually unfulfilling.

I am a completely different person now and I feel like I want to experiment, meet a few different men, etc, within reason. Is that extreme?

Also, I hope this doesn't sound stuck up, but I have always been attractive and received attention from men, but refused/was scared to engage with them for the reasons above. Now I am ready to "use it"! 😉

Edited July 8, 2022 by Girl_about_town

[Girl_about_town]

16 hours ago, basil67 said:

Your expectations from a ONS are all wrong.  The whole point of a ONS is that it's ONE NIGHT.  And ghosting doesn't apply if you were going to go your separate ways afterwards anyway.  Thing is, if he'd replied to your "home safe" text, then you would have replied back and possibly wanted more conversation and to see him again and he clearly didn't want that.   So him not responding was the way for him to make sure it stayed as one night - as was the plan.  To do ONS, it's imperative that you keep your expectations at an absolute minimum.  Mutually consensual sex being the minimum and anything else is a bonus.

I think that rather than a ONS, you need to look at FWB or some other arrangement where it's clear that you can contact each other for random chat and sex on a casual basis if it works well for both of you.  The caution I'd give you is that if they find a girlfriend, not only would you have to stop having sex (obviously) but you'd also have to give up any other form of contact.  This would be easy if you're not attached, but very painful if you've started to form a thing for him..

For what it's worth, my partner of 30 years started out as sex with no thoughts for tomorrow.  I jokingly refer to it as the world's longest ONS, so like @poppyfields it can happen.  But going into it, I still had my expectations and heart protected so that I could walk away the next day with no regrets or disappointment if I never heard from him again.

Yes, this is what I realised thanks to all your comments, I am not really looking for lots of ONS, but for a FWB or two.

 

However, a FWB has to start somewhere and even if the man agrees to try for FWB beforehand, he may actually be planning for it to be a ONS and ghost me after.

 

In the future, I will tell the man I am looking for FWB, while being cautious that he may still see it as a ONS.

Edited July 8, 2022 by Girl_about_town

[poppyfields]

40 minutes ago, Girl_about_town said:

If there is chemistry, why not repeat a few times instead of starting over back in the app with someone new who may be a let down or waste your time?

^^Did you read my earlier post?  It may have been deleted, not sure.

But what it said was that there are some men (and women) who for whatever reasons are only emotionally capable of connecting for ONE night.  

And they know it's only for one night which is why it's so easy for them to spill their feels so deeply and intensely the way this guy did with you.  

They know they will never see you again so he has nothing to lose emotionally.  

A "normal" man who intends to date you, or even a FWB, would never do that, he feels too vulnerable, and wouid take things including opening up about personal things more slowly and prudently. 

As such, him opening up the way he did was a HUGE red flag.  You felt like you made a deep connection, but HE was using you to unload his emotional garbage with no risk, because he KNEW it was only going to be a ONS.

I know people like this, both men and women.  One woman was a member of this forum at one time and used to post about her inability to sustain a connection and truly bond. 

People like this love that initial high from brief encounters, ONS, then suddenly, they're bored, feel meh and move to next. 

They often ghost the way this guy did. And feel no guilt, no remorse for doing so.

It's just how some people are wired, and if you're looking for something longer term even just FWB, my advice is look for signs such as this man pouring his heart to you during your FIRST (and only) encounter.

Re ghosting, we could do an entire thread about this, but he did you a huge favor by ghosting imho. 

It means he's done, he's apathetic and feels NOTHING.

People who care even a little, do not behave this way.

So he did you a favor because now you can move on knowing the guy just didn't give a *. 

A 'cruel to be kind' sort of thing.  However I doubt he ghosted to be kind.

 

Edited July 8, 2022 by poppyfields

[Girl_about_town]

4 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

^^Did you read my earlier post?  It may have been deleted, not sure.

But what it said was that there are some men (and women) who for whatever reasons are only emotionally capable of connecting for ONE night.  

And they know it's only for one night which is why it's so easy for them to spill their feels so deeply and intensely the way this guy did with you.  

They know they will never see you again so he has nothing to lose emotionally.  

A "normal" man who intends to date you, or even a FWB, would never do that, he feels too vulnerable, and wouid take things including opening up about personal things more slowly and prudently. 

As such, him opening up the way he did was a HUGE red flag.  You felt like you made a connection, but HE was using you to unload his emotional garbage with no risk, because he KNEW it was only going to be a ONS.

I know people like this, both men and women.  One woman was a member of this forum at one time and used to post about her inability to sustain a connection.

People like this love that initial high from brief encounters, then suddenly, they're bored, feel meh and move to next.  They often ghost the way this guy did. 

It's just how some people are wired, and if you're looking for something longer term, my advice is look for signs such as this man pouring his heart to you during your FIRST (and only) encounter.

Re ghosting, we could do an entire thread about this, but he did you a huge favor by ghosting imho. 

It means he's done, he's apathetic and feels NOTHING.

People who care even a little, do not behave this way.

So he did you a favor because now you can move on knowing the guy just didn't give a *. 

A 'cruel to be kind' sort of thing. 

 

This is great advice, thank you again poppyfields. It's sad if this is how he is. No wonder he told me he was unhappy. 

Ghosting me maybe better than leading me on, but all he had to say was "Last night was great, but it was just a one night thing" or some version of it. Yes, ghosting is what tells me that he doesn't give a *, as you put it but that is why it hurts so much, not to mention the initial anxiety over whether he will reply or not, until you are certain that you are being ghosted. As you say, we could start another thread but in summary, I wouldn't say he did me a favour.

[glows]

54 minutes ago, Girl_about_town said:

I was repressed by my upbringing, fears, social anxiety and lastly, a long term relationship that was sexually unfulfilling.

I am a completely different person now and I feel like I want to experiment, meet a few different men, etc, within reason. Is that extreme?

Also, I hope this doesn't sound stuck up, but I have always been attractive and received attention from men, but refused/was scared to engage with them for the reasons above. Now I am ready to "use it"! 😉

This could be a good idea and slowly desensitize you or help you figure out your fears and social anxiety. If you feel yourself overwhelmed such as before, a few days ago, regarding this man, step back. Experimenting is fine but not if it's going to derail you or make you feel worse about yourself. 

[poppyfields]

40 minutes ago, Girl_about_town said:

As you say, we could start another thread but in summary, I wouldn't say he did me a favour

Apologies I was projecting.  For me, once I know a man doesn't give a *, it's much easier for me to move on. 

And ghosting imo is the ultimate "I don't give a *" no two ways about it. 

Had he been courteous and thoughtful by ending it kindly or giving an explanation, that would have left me asking myself "does he care"?  "Is he scared"?

Or any other number of stories we like to tell ourselves to avoid feeling rejected. 

So yeah, do me a favor and go ahead and ghost me, reject me. 

Thank you!  I can now move on in peace. Just me.  

I've only been ghosted twice and yes I felt badly until realizing that it actually helped me move on faster.

EDIT:  I didn't always feel this way.  It took some growing and evolving for me to get to this place.  So your feelings are understandable.

Edited July 8, 2022 by poppyfields

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Girl_about_town said:

If there is chemistry, why not repeat a few times

Because the chemistry may not have been as strong for him as it was for you. 

[Girl_about_town]

18 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Apologies I was projecting.  For me, once I know a man doesn't give a *, it's much easier for me to move on. 

And ghosting imo is the ultimate "I don't give a *" no two ways about it. 

Had he been courteous and thoughtful by ending it kindly or giving an explanation, that would have left me asking myself "does he care"?  "Is he scared"?

Or any other number of stories we like to tell ourselves to avoid feeling rejected. 

So yeah, do me a favor and go ahead and ghost me, reject me. 

Thank you!  I can now move on in peace. Just me.  

I've only been ghosted twice and yes I felt badly until realizing that it actually helped me move on faster.

EDIT:  I didn't always feel this way.  It took some growing and evolving for me to get to this place.  So your feelings are understandable.

Thank you for this, I really appreciate it. There are a lot of firsts in this situation for me, it is also my first time being completed ghosted!

I hope I'll get soon to the point you're at, where I am so secure in myself that it doesn't affect me anymore and I see it as dodging a bullet

Edited July 8, 2022 by Girl_about_town

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, Girl_about_town said:

If there is chemistry, why not repeat a few times instead of starting over back in the app with someone new who may be a let down or waste your time?

Probably because he does not want the fuss that will follow.

[Girl_about_town]

19 hours ago, Mrin said:

Hey OP. I only read about half this thread but I get the gist of it.

I'm one of the more libertine members of LS. If you go looking in the right places you'll see that what you're after is very common. Basically, good and consistent/reliable NSA sex. Just be very vocal or upfront about the consistent/reliable part of it next time. It isn't uncommon at all to see a woman say exactly that and follow it up with a NO one night stands disclaimer. It makes sense too - for many women, sex improves with a partner over time and they grow more comfortable. 

One other thought - evaluate where you looking for such an arrangement. Just because you say (and they agree) with that sort of arrangement or goal in mind, doesn't mean they will honor it. The more *ahem* vanilla apps like Tinder or Bumble, the more likely you'll find a dude who will agree to anything for a hookup. You might want to take a look at something like Feeld. People there are looking specifically for sex and more likely to be honest and open about expectations. They're also most likely to be better lovers.  

Best of luck!

 

Mrin

Thank you Mrin for the tips! I will definitely keep it in mind and I have been checking Feeld out.

[AndyCapp99]

3 hours ago, Girl_about_town said:

Thank you, I agree that ONS turning into love are rare exceptions. I am curious, though, how often do people here think that they turn into a few times or a fwb? And I don't mean the drunken ONS with someone you met in a bar, but the one prearranged with someone from a dating app, where you have been chatting for a few days before meeting and both people want something casual. If there is chemistry, why not repeat a few times instead of starting over back in the app with someone new who may be a let down or waste your time?

Because he’s not interested in you. What are you not getting about that? 
 

You’re doing all kinds of justification here because you still believe you’re the exception. 

[Alpacalia]

Agree @AndyCapp99

I think you have a hard time accepting what he wanted. A night of no-strings-attached sex.

You can’t eat steak if all you buy is bologna. Quality means setting your standards high enough next time that you take nothing but quality home.

It stings, yes. Move on and let the ego go.

Edited July 8, 2022 by Alpacalia

[Versacehottie]

Forgive me if I'm misunderstanding because I just skimmed the thread but why is "ghosting" your main concern?  Sounds like an ego thing or an unrealistic expectation set on how a ONS or FWB would go. Sort of inherent in either of those type of relationships and all the things in between that the other person "owes" you nothing. There is no commitment and no explanation needed for not continuing beyond a night or a few times. I think focusing on the ghosting or wanting him to tell you after a ONS that that's all you will be getting is really not plausible; you have expectations about how these things will go and are layering them onto the other person and that is the opposite of what you should imagine would happen. 

If you get into a ONS or FWB each time could be the last you ever hear from that person. It may not be but you would have to presume it "might" be. So you either need to accept that and let go of the wish that someone is going to tell you what he thinks about all that or don't do these sort of arrangements. I think you need a tougher skin. As someone said, most women aren't truly cut out for these arrangements, despite what they might believe and say and if anything I see you wanting to control how he tells you what is going on after one night or not wanting to be "ghosted" as evidence of a person who cannot do it/should not be doing it. (sorry you sound really nice/cool). I also think if you let guys know that you are open to that upfront, it devalues you in their eyes because they don't understand why a worthy woman would do that. (not a PC answer but the truth). Obviously this doesn't apply to all guys and obviously some couples do form or even FWB that serve their purpose where both are fine and happy but think that is really the exception, not the most common way it happens. Think about it, from the beginning you are setting the tone where whatever relationship it is is a one-sided one: whomever cares less gets their way. That's why it usually doesn't make one of the two happy. And then women tend to bond biologically. And if you are having fun, you'd want to see the person more and if you don't, you wouldn't care if you don't see them again.  So I think there are elements of you wanting de facto dating relationship without it perhaps being a full blown relationship. And from your concern over ghosting..it feels like you want the OPTION for things to continue if you are having fun. But unfortunately you already made an "agreement" with the other person that this is not what you would be seeking. So they aren't obligated. Having to explain ANYTHING from his perspective is obligation.

[Versacehottie]

21 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Move on and let the ego go.

Totally agree!

[Girl_about_town]

[ ] I am leaving now and would like to thank again those of you who have been so kind, helpful and understanding [ ] . Hope to meet you on other threads soon!

Also, just to clarify, my question about how frequently ONS may turn into FWB if there is chemistry was intended as a general question, I am not taking about this guy anymore, I have moved on.

Edited July 8, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
civility