What next after one night stand?

July 7, 2022

35 minutes ago, Girl_about_town said:

Perhaps he thought I was boring.

Yes, this could be the case. Definitely. I’ve heard it over and over from men. She’s this and that, but she’s boring. She wants to be entertained, but she’s not contributing anything herself, etc. Lacking personality ….. that’s a turnoff - but I also don’t blame you. If you held back it was probably for self protection because you knew you weren’t getting into a relationship with him so I don’t think you did anything wrong there
But yes - holding back too much makes your personality disappear and that’ can definitely translate into “boring” …..

July 7, 2022

2 hours ago, Girl_about_town said:

Instead, he must have thought I am no fun or there is something wrong with me, and that made him feel justified in just ghosting me.

I don't believe that for one minute.

Here's my take from a girl (ME) who had a ONS with a man many years ago who ended up becoming my boyfriend of six years. I won't go into my story because (1) I am long over him and (2) it's not my thread. What I will say is that I have learned a lot in the years since, about men's natures, women's natures, interpersonal relationships, what attracts us, what doesn't attract us, etc etc.

One thing I have learned is that some men are quite capable of forming a deep connection with a woman FOR one night. Some men (AND some women but in truth probably more men) can go through life having a series of ONS with various women with whom they connect on a very deep level, but afterwards are able to detach, walk away, and move on to the next. Which is what I think happened here, with your guy.

They are not pretending. They truly feel that connection just as you sensed your guy did. It was not BS in order to get you into bed, the connection was very real, but it's fleeting for some men and women. This could be for many reasons, too many to go into but once you understand this, I think you will feel a lot better and not take his rejection (ghosting) so personally.

The notion that just because we feel an intense deep connection with someone means we "should' want a relationship or to even see the person again is a load of you know what in my opinion and experience.

My advice is take it for what it was. Two people who met, connected on a deep level - mentally, emotionally, physically - but for reasons that probably don't even matter - chose to not pursue it further. At least HE didn't, but that shouldn't take away from the beautiful time you shared together and cherishing the moment, should it? I don't think so.

There is no reason for you to feel rejected imo. Other than getting a bit attached, you did nothing wrong, you're not "boring," and I don't think if you had acted more "detached" it would have made any difference whatsoever in the outcome. In fact, I don't think if you had done anything differently it would have made a difference. Hell, when I met my now ex whom I referred to above, I was so nervous I could barely speak!! For the entire night, but we still connected and he still fell for me.

For your guy, it was one beautiful night, he opened up, shared deep parts of himself, had hot sex with a beautiful women, nothing more, nothing less.

Cherish the memory @Girl_about_townand let it go.

Edited July 7, 2022 by poppyfields

July 7, 2022

My "friend" had a ONS in her early years.

He wanted to take her out to breakfast the next morning but she dashed out of there very quickly.

July 7, 2022

5 hours ago, Girl_about_town said:

But something caused the turnaround and I would love to know what so I can avoid it in the future.

You have no clue if it's related to you, though. It might be nothing you can avoid, beyond getting your hopes up for a guy who is virtually a stranger.

5 hours ago, Girl_about_town said:

Sorry, I cannot write exactly what I said in the email!

Figure of speech, OP. Can you give us the gist?

July 7, 2022

If he's hot and it was the best sex of your life, then he is VERY skilled with women. Men are very good about being in the moment and getting sex online is like shooting fish in a barrel for the hot, tall ones.

If you had kept seeing him it would have been a matter of time before you were hooked for real and there is nothing casual about that. For men it can be very easy to enjoy the encounter and go on their merry way, enjoying the experience for what it was, ready to do it again with someone new. But you kept "going back" for lack of a better word. Presumably you were casual but then felt slighted when he ignored the follow-up.

He probably has many women hitting him up for booty. And the less he acts like he cares the more you want him, as that is our human nature, unfortunately.

FWIW, I think you are playing a dangerous game with your heart with these ONS with random men. I am not here to judge, I have my own demons, but I wonder what is going on beneath the surface.

Edited July 7, 2022 by Allupinnit

July 7, 2022

19 hours ago, basil67 said:

There are no guarantees that a certain behaviour from you will deliver a certain behaviour in someone else. Sure, it's possible that you did something which made him not want to bother with you again. But equally, perhaps it was only ever going to be a ONS. There's really no way to know.

That said, if you don't want to be "discarded like a used towel", limit your sexual activities to people who actually want to see you again. It's not fair to stick your hand in a fire and then blame the fire for burning you.

Fair enough, I guess if I go the ONS route this will happen again. I am just going to learn as much as I can from this and future experiences to reduce the chance that end up feeling like this. I will share less about myself, ask before leaving if this is it (in a non accusatory way), expect to be ghosted if I contact again (so I am pleasantly surprised when they don't ghost), and be more relaxed, playful and enjoying the moment so I don't rethink as much if it was something I did.

July 7, 2022

19 hours ago, BrinnM said:

Yes, this could be the case. Definitely. I’ve heard it over and over from men. She’s this and that, but she’s boring. She wants to be entertained, but she’s not contributing anything herself, etc. Lacking personality ….. that’s a turnoff - but I also don’t blame you. If you held back it was probably for self protection because you knew you weren’t getting into a relationship with him so I don’t think you did anything wrong there
But yes - holding back too much makes your personality disappear and that’ can definitely translate into “boring” …..

Thank you, this made me feel better.

July 7, 2022

17 hours ago, poppyfields said:

I don't believe that for one minute.

Here's my take from a girl (ME) who had a ONS with a man many years ago who ended up becoming my boyfriend of six years. I won't go into my story because (1) I am long over him and (2) it's not my thread. What I will say is that I have learned a lot in the years since, about men's natures, women's natures, interpersonal relationships, what attracts us, what doesn't attract us, etc etc.

One thing I have learned is that some men are quite capable of forming a deep connection with a woman FOR one night. Some men (AND some women but in truth probably more men) can go through life having a series of ONS with various women with whom they connect on a very deep level, but afterwards are able to detach, walk away, and move on to the next. Which is what I think happened here, with your guy.

They are not pretending. They truly feel that connection just as you sensed your guy did. It was not BS in order to get you into bed, the connection was very real, but it's fleeting for some men and women. This could be for many reasons, too many to go into but once you understand this, I think you will feel a lot better and not take his rejection (ghosting) so personally.

The notion that just because we feel an intense deep connection with someone means we "should' want a relationship or to even see the person again is a load of you know what in my opinion and experience.

My advice is take it for what it was. Two people who met, connected on a deep level - mentally, emotionally, physically - but for reasons that probably don't even matter - chose to not pursue it further. At least HE didn't, but that shouldn't take away from the beautiful time you shared together and cherishing the moment, should it? I don't think so.

There is no reason for you to feel rejected imo. Other than getting a bit attached, you did nothing wrong, you're not "boring," and I don't think if you had acted more "detached" it would have made any difference whatsoever in the outcome. In fact, I don't think if you had done anything differently it would have made a difference. Hell, when I met my now ex whom I referred to above, I was so nervous I could barely speak!! For the entire night, but we still connected and he still fell for me.

For your guy, it was one beautiful night, he opened up, shared deep parts of himself, had hot sex with a beautiful women, nothing more, nothing less.

Cherish the memory @Girl_about_townand let it go.

Thank you so so much for this poppyfields! To hear that you (and others) think I did nothing wrong and the connection was real, albeit shortlived, is a great relief.

Even the getting attached part (more like infatuated) was not under my control so I don't think I can be blamed for that! The only thing I blame myself for now is not having done my research beforehand, and going in so naively into this.

Edited July 7, 2022 by Girl_about_town

July 7, 2022

14 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You have no clue if it's related to you, though. It might be nothing you can avoid, beyond getting your hopes up for a guy who is virtually a stranger.

Figure of speech, OP. Can you give us the gist?

I was just telling him that I may have given him the wrong impression, since it was my first ONS, and inviting him for an encore, and I also left it closed so he only needed to contact me if he was interested.

July 7, 2022

15 minutes ago, Girl_about_town said:

Edited July 7, 2022 by Girl_about_town

July 7, 2022

Personally, I don't think we were meant to separate our very real feelings and intimacy. I believe the bonding is a natural response to such an intimate act (which is why we can't control how we feel afterward). Our culture likes to tell us otherwise, that if you catch feels you're "weak" or should have seen it coming, that we need to stuff that down and learn a harsh lesson.

When women can figure out how to act like men and detach completely during sex then they need to bottle up whatever that is and make a fortune because I simply don't believe it's possible. Of course you want to be treated like a human afterward, and I don't care what anyone says, it hurts to be ghosted after sharing so much of yourself.

July 7, 2022

2 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

Personally, I don't think we were meant to separate our very real feelings and intimacy. I believe the bonding is a natural response to such an intimate act (which is why we can't control how we feel afterward). Our culture likes to tell us otherwise, that if you catch feels you're "weak" or should have seen it coming, that we need to stuff that down and learn a harsh lesson.

When women can figure out how to act like men and detach completely during sex then they need to bottle up whatever that is and make a fortune because I simply don't believe it's possible. Of course you want to be treated like a human afterward, and I don't care what anyone says, it hurts to be ghosted after sharing so much of yourself.

This is so right. I actually read a bit about it and when you have a man giving you attention, feel a connection, sex, etc, there is a powerful cocktail of endorphins, oxytocin, etc. released in your brain and you will get hooked on a biochemical level. It truly is outside your control!

The only thing to know is that it is not love, it's infatuation, and it goes away with time. I am now 5 days into it and I can attest that it is fading away and I am feeling much better.

July 7, 2022

2 hours ago, Allupinnit said:

FWIW, I think you are playing a dangerous game with your heart with these ONS with random men. I am not here to judge, I have my own demons, but I wonder what is going on beneath the surface.

Thank you for the heads up. I have been wondering myself what is going on with me as well, to be honest, but I think it's not coming from an unhealthy place. I just have repressed my sexuality for way too long and at this point in my life I have given myself permission to experiment and enjoy myself for a while.

July 7, 2022

1 hour ago, Girl_about_town said:

Thank you for the heads up. I have been wondering myself what is going on with me as well, to be honest, but I think it's not coming from an unhealthy place. I just have repressed my sexuality for way too long and at this point in my life I have given myself permission to experiment and enjoy myself for a while.

No matter how caught up in the moment or sexually frustrated you are or what you want it to become, you hardly know anyone if you’re sleeping with them so quickly. That’s the risk you’re taking having casual sex.

Did you feel repressed in a previous relationship? Or is this in general? Why or how did you feel repressed? How do you maintain your sexuality and feeling feminine and attractive without going to extremes? These are questions I’m putting out there, food for thought. You don’t have to answer them.

Glad you’re feeling better.

July 7, 2022

@Girl_about_town I can't believe how similar we are, first with both of us having a ONS and falling for the guy and two, I was also quite sexually repressed, up until my ONS who became my boyfriend.

With HIM, it was (I was) so different sexually, he awakened me, awakened my sexuality, and it was one of the best experiences of my life and changed me forever.

This can happen to you too but you don't need to be having casual sex to do it.

As women, I don't believe casual sex is good for us, not because of any moral beliefs I have, but because I honestly don't think women, generally speaking, are wired to gain anything positive from it.

You said you have no interest in exclusive relationships right now, may I ask why?

I understand you want to explore your sexuality but why not explore it with ONE special man versus a variety of different men?

A wise man said:

You can have the same sexual experience with many different men, OR many different sexual experiences with the same man.

That's my advice fwiw and what works for me. And I am getting married next month!

Find ONE man, that special man, and unleash your sexuality with HIM!

I can almost guarantee you will find it much more fulfilling than having the same sexual experience with a variety of men casually.

You place your self-esteem at risk as evidenced with this guy and ultimately feeling empty.

Again, no moral judgment to those women who are able to enjoy casual, but from reading your posts, I truly don't think you are wired that way, and that's OK!

Edited July 7, 2022 by poppyfields

July 7, 2022

Hey OP. I only read about half this thread but I get the gist of it.

I'm one of the more libertine members of LS. If you go looking in the right places you'll see that what you're after is very common. Basically, good and consistent/reliable NSA sex. Just be very vocal or upfront about the consistent/reliable part of it next time. It isn't uncommon at all to see a woman say exactly that and follow it up with a NO one night stands disclaimer. It makes sense too - for many women, sex improves with a partner over time and they grow more comfortable.

One other thought - evaluate where you looking for such an arrangement. Just because you say (and they agree) with that sort of arrangement or goal in mind, doesn't mean they will honor it. The more *ahem* vanilla apps like Tinder or Bumble, the more likely you'll find a dude who will agree to anything for a hookup. You might want to take a look at something like Feeld. People there are looking specifically for sex and more likely to be honest and open about expectations. They're also most likely to be better lovers.

Best of luck!

Mrin

July 7, 2022

8 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

And I am getting married next month!

whoa! Congrats Poppy!!!

July 7, 2022

3 hours ago, Girl_about_town said:

Fair enough, I guess if I go the ONS route this will happen again. I am just going to learn as much as I can from this and future experiences to reduce the chance that end up feeling like this. I will share less about myself, ask before leaving if this is it (in a non accusatory way), expect to be ghosted if I contact again (so I am pleasantly surprised when they don't ghost), and be more relaxed, playful and enjoying the moment so I don't rethink as much if it was something I did.

Your expectations from a ONS are all wrong. The whole point of a ONS is that it's ONE NIGHT. And ghosting doesn't apply if you were going to go your separate ways afterwards anyway. Thing is, if he'd replied to your "home safe" text, then you would have replied back and possibly wanted more conversation and to see him again and he clearly didn't want that. So him not responding was the way for him to make sure it stayed as one night - as was the plan. To do ONS, it's imperative that you keep your expectations at an absolute minimum. Mutually consensual sex being the minimum and anything else is a bonus.

I think that rather than a ONS, you need to look at FWB or some other arrangement where it's clear that you can contact each other for random chat and sex on a casual basis if it works well for both of you. The caution I'd give you is that if they find a girlfriend, not only would you have to stop having sex (obviously) but you'd also have to give up any other form of contact. This would be easy if you're not attached, but very painful if you've started to form a thing for him..

For what it's worth, my partner of 30 years started out as sex with no thoughts for tomorrow. I jokingly refer to it as the world's longest ONS, so like @poppyfields it can happen. But going into it, I still had my expectations and heart protected so that I could walk away the next day with no regrets or disappointment if I never heard from him again.

July 7, 2022

The thing about ONS or any kind of NSA sex is that what's going on with the other person when you are not actually having sex with them is none of your business at all.

The concept of "ghosting" doesn't belong here. You can't ghost a person who has no place whatsoever in your life. If a person can ghost you, then there were strings. Not that you were doing anything wrong, but I am pretty sure he felt your interest and knew that there really was not potential for any type of ongoing NSA deal with you. If you thought he ghosted you after this one time, imagine how you would feel after you had 2 or 3 amazing sexual encounters that included good talks ... you'd be pretty hurt and confused.

I agree with the poster above who is suggesting an "arrangement." This would be like you and the man have planned sex and you are in each others' lives for this purpose. If one of you is not going to make it to a planned hookup, you'd alert the other person. If you didn't, they'd be justified in feeling "stood up" or "ghosted" even though you have nothing between you but these shared sexual events.

The "free form" NSA sex - I don't think you're cut out for it. And "FWB" I think is a myth. They are not your friends. They are people who are hopefully DTF when you are.

Good luck and forget about this guy.

July 8, 2022

6 hours ago, Girl_about_town said:

This is so right. I actually read a bit about it and when you have a man giving you attention, feel a connection, sex, etc, there is a powerful cocktail of endorphins, oxytocin, etc. released in your brain and you will get hooked on a biochemical level. It truly is outside your control!

That is not always the case.

Well, at least not with all men.

It really all depends on the dynamic between you.

Some women can want, have, and enjoy sex without any relationship. It's less common in women than men, but it does exist.

Falling for someone you've slept with is totally normal.

Like you said, you're exploring yourself and your sexuality. It’s quite possible that you're not responding to what’s available at this moment, and trying to fulfill deeper needs…

Those needs can vary, but they’re usually related to wanting to feel wanted, important, loved, or something similar.

There may not really be anything special about this man (in other words). Ask yourself if he is really a good potential partner, or are you just letting the hope of love run away with you and determine your behavior.

It is not wrong to catch feelings, it is just a matter of letting them go again when they have caught you. Feelings like these are normal. It is about regulating your emotions and choosing how you will respond to them. Knowing what makes you tick will help you move forward.

This will pass.

Edited July 8, 2022 by Alpacalia

July 8, 2022

You probably shouldn’t have one night stands. Some people can handle it, but many can’t.

You now know that you’re going to want more from these encounters. Please don’t listen to “exceptions”. There are exceptions to every case, but generally we are The Rule not The Exception. Generally a ONS will not turn into more.

Move on from him, and be honest with yourself about whether you’re made for casual sex.

July 8, 2022

On 7/3/2022 at 2:45 PM, Girl_about_town said:

Yesterday I hooked up with a guy I met through a dating app. We both had expressed that we only wanted something casual, so I wasn't expecting anything more than a one night stand.
However, the sex was amazing and we also had good conversation before AND after. We both shared deep stuff, including our childhoods and our current life crises. I felt we had enough of a connection that we might want to have at least an encore and maybe eventually become friends with benefits (definitely not a relationship, I am not looking for that).
Even though he had earlier hinted at meeting again, at the very end of the night I felt a subtle shift, where he was basically hinting that that was it.
When I got home I sent him a message to tell him I arrived safe home and he hasn't even looked at it, so he's ghosting me now. WTF?
Should I wait a few days and see if he would be up for another encounter (it was really the best sex of my life) or is it not worth pursuing?

This thread has become long so here's more info for anyone who is joining now, to avoid getting the same comments again:

- this was my first ONS ever (and he knows it)

- I am kicking myself for not having done some research beforehand on what to expect. We had talked about something casual and, while I thought it would probably be one time only, I didn't expect to be ghosted immediately after

- I not looking to turn this into a relationship, I am not looking for one and he and I are not compatible

- I experienced infatuation (basically, hooked to how he made me feel with his attention and the amazing sex) but I don't confuse this with love for one minute. Thankfully, the infatuation is nearly gone now although I still think about him a couple of times a day

Thank you again for all the replies! You have all helped me inmensely and I feel better prepared for future encounters. I will keep looking for a FWB but if I continue to experience this I will stop.

Edited July 8, 2022 by Girl_about_town

July 8, 2022

16 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

The thing about ONS or any kind of NSA sex is that what's going on with the other person when you are not actually having sex with them is none of your business at all.

The concept of "ghosting" doesn't belong here. You can't ghost a person who has no place whatsoever in your life. If a person can ghost you, then there were strings. Not that you were doing anything wrong, but I am pretty sure he felt your interest and knew that there really was not potential for any type of ongoing NSA deal with you. If you thought he ghosted you after this one time, imagine how you would feel after you had 2 or 3 amazing sexual encounters that included good talks ... you'd be pretty hurt and confused.

I agree with the poster above who is suggesting an "arrangement." This would be like you and the man have planned sex and you are in each others' lives for this purpose. If one of you is not going to make it to a planned hookup, you'd alert the other person. If you didn't, they'd be justified in feeling "stood up" or "ghosted" even though you have nothing between you but these shared sexual events.

The "free form" NSA sex - I don't think you're cut out for it. And "FWB" I think is a myth. They are not your friends. They are people who are hopefully DTF when you are.

Good luck and forget about this guy.

Thanks, I am nearly there, feel better everyday.

Yes, the "arrangement" sounds good, a relationship that is only for sex, but with respect for each other in between hook ups. I don't need to talk/chat with this man or be in his life at all for any other purpose, but I expect not to be stood up or ghosted, and if he wants to end the arrangement, that he lets me know.

I disagree that you cannot call what he did ghosting. There may be degrees of ghosting, but not responding to a message when it wasn't discussed before that there should be no communication is ghosting. He knew full well that I was new to this. He could have been clearer with me before I left, or turned me down a bit more gently. Just ignoring my message is the coward way out.

July 8, 2022

4 hours ago, AndyCapp99 said:

You probably shouldn’t have one night stands. Some people can handle it, but many can’t.

You now know that you’re going to want more from these encounters. Please don’t listen to “exceptions”. There are exceptions to every case, but generally we are The Rule not The Exception. Generally a ONS will not turn into more.

Move on from him, and be honest with yourself about whether you’re made for casual sex.

Thank you, I agree that ONS turning into love are rare exceptions. I am curious, though, how often do people here think that they turn into a few times or a fwb? And I don't mean the drunken ONS with someone you met in a bar, but the one prearranged with someone from a dating app, where you have been chatting for a few days before meeting and both people want something casual. If there is chemistry, why not repeat a few times instead of starting over back in the app with someone new who may be a let down or waste your time?

July 8, 2022

18 hours ago, S2B said:

If you expect to meet men for one night stands - you DON’T ever ask them if this is it!

it’s an assumption you make - that is why it is called ONE night stand.

the mindset for this scenario has to be right… as in: expect NOTHING more than that ONE encounter!

otherwise you are looking for more than what you are presenting up front.

Ok, then the point is to be clear beforehand if it's a ONS or not? I am confused, as other people advised me to ask the man before I leave if he may want to meet again, to avoid the same thing happening again.

Edited July 8, 2022 by Girl_about_town

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