What next after one night stand?

[Girl_about_town]

4 hours ago, S2B said:

He likely blocked you because he didn’t want to have to communicate with you - the agreement was no strings attached sex.

you kept trying to attach the strings. That’s not what he said he wanted.

so when it is FWB or no strings sex - that generally means “don’t bother me unless you are offering sex right now”.

and you kept sending messages.

do you see where you misstepped?

if you aren’t capable of no communication between getting together for sex - that kind of agreement may not be for you.

He hasn't blocked me, only unfollowed me.

Perhaps in his mind we were agreeing not to communicate after but we never explicitly agreed to it and I, naively, wasn't expecting it.

I only sent him a message that I arrived home, and the email yesterday was to clarify a misunderstanding and to offer an "encore", nothing more.

I know that after he unfollowed me I didn't need to bother offering him a second round, that most likely he wouldn't respond, but I just find it easier to get it off my mind by saying it, instead if wondering "what if" for the next days and weeks.

[glows]

When someone draws away the cue is not to approach with more communication such as emails. Even if this were a relationship or you were dating, you do not keep texting, calling or emailing. 

You got attached a bit too soon after a very short time together. Some of that attachment came from believing he was an attractive person inside and out when you spent time with him one night. Keep meeting and dating others. You’re just getting your feet wet. 

Start getting to know people bit by bit instead of jumping in and deciding right there and then you like them. It takes time to get to know someone and you are jumping way too fast regardless of what this was.

[stillafool]

59 minutes ago, Girl_about_town said:

I know that after he unfollowed me I didn't need to bother offering him a second round, that most likely he wouldn't respond, but I just find it easier to get it off my mind by saying it, instead if wondering "what if" for the next days and weeks.

Well good you got that off your mind and if you don't hear back from him you can move on and put this behind you.  In the future when you and a guy agree on a one night stand just know that is what it means and that is how the man views it.  If you are expecting communication afterwards with texting and keeping in touch it's probably not going to happen so don't get upset.  You might want to rethink whether you are cut out for 'one night stand' sex after the way this affected you.

[Allupinnit]

You emailed him AFTER he unfollowed you on IG?

Girl NAH.  You thought the sex was great, who knows maybe he didn't.  But this is why casual sex is so tricky for women and most often a losing game.  We think we can be the cool girl who's down for whatever and have fun in the moment but that is rarely the case, and we lie to ourselves and to the men we're involved with in order to keep him coming around.  

If you had not had sex I doubt you'd have followed up your ignored text with an email.  

You may not want a r'ship but our biology doesn't follow logic.  If he's hot and great in bed he is probably sleeping with lots of different women online casually.

[Girl_about_town]

1 hour ago, Allupinnit said:

You emailed him AFTER he unfollowed you on IG?

Girl NAH.  You thought the sex was great, who knows maybe he didn't.  But this is why casual sex is so tricky for women and most often a losing game.  We think we can be the cool girl who's down for whatever and have fun in the moment but that is rarely the case, and we lie to ourselves and to the men we're involved with in order to keep him coming around.  

If you had not had sex I doubt you'd have followed up your ignored text with an email.  

You may not want a r'ship but our biology doesn't follow logic.  If he's hot and great in bed he is probably sleeping with lots of different women online casually.

Yes, I know, lame sending the email but it was only a few hours after he unfollowed me and I had nothing to lose. Rather do it than wonder "what if"

I agree that he must be very popular, but he complained about how many women on the dating apps were just waisting his time so I thought we could become a recurring thing.

[Girl_about_town]

2 hours ago, stillafool said:

Well good you got that off your mind and if you don't hear back from him you can move on and put this behind you.  In the future when you and a guy agree on a one night stand just know that is what it means and that is how the man views it.  If you are expecting communication afterwards with texting and keeping in touch it's probably not going to happen so don't get upset.  You might want to rethink whether you are cut out for 'one night stand' sex after the way this affected you.

Agreed

[Girl_about_town]

2 hours ago, glows said:

When someone draws away the cue is not to approach with more communication such as emails. Even if this were a relationship or you were dating, you do not keep texting, calling or emailing. 

You got attached a bit too soon after a very short time together. Some of that attachment came from believing he was an attractive person inside and out when you spent time with him one night. Keep meeting and dating others. You’re just getting your feet wet. 

Start getting to know people bit by bit instead of jumping in and deciding right there and then you like them. It takes time to get to know someone and you are jumping way too fast regardless of what this was.

Yes, I agree that I am finding it hard to let go, but you weren't there. He was so into me, asking me questions, telling me his personal issues, and it seemed so genuine. It is hard to watch him turn rather cold towards the end and then ghost me after all of that.

My mind has been slowly processing that night (I know, I shouldn't rethink it but I can't help it) and I have come to the realisation that he must have felt rejected, because I left quite early. In my inexperience, I assumed that you have sex once and that's it, but there were several occasions where he hinted interest again and I missed it (I thought he was joking). I feel so dumb! I would have loved to have sex again that night but I genuinely thought he'd be too tired (that had been my experience before, men falling asleep shortly after) so I left. When he realised I was really leaving must be when I noticed him turning cold. If there was a time machine! Perhaps the outcome would have been the same but I can't help but feel like I ruined it.

[glows]

3 minutes ago, Girl_about_town said:

Yes, I agree that I am finding it hard to let go, but you weren't there. He was so into me, asking me questions, telling me his personal issues, and it seemed so genuine. It is hard to watch him turn rather cold towards the end and then ghost me after all of that.

My mind has been slowly processing that night (I know, I shouldn't rethink it but I can't help it) and I have come to the realisation that he must have felt rejected, because I left quite early. In my inexperience, I assumed that you have sex once and that's it, but there were several occasions where he hinted interest again and I missed it (I thought he was joking). I feel so dumb! I would have loved to have sex again that night but I genuinely thought he'd be too tired (that had been my experience before, men falling asleep shortly after) so I left. When he realised I was really leaving must be when I noticed him turning cold. If there was a time machine! Perhaps the outcome would have been the same but I can't help but feel like I ruined it.

I doubt it. Someone who is into you will keep seeing you and find reasons to keep seeing you. 

What exactly did you write in the email? Was it accusatory? Avoid doing this in future. Take more responsibility for your actions and see yourself less as helpless or powerless. Don't go down the bitter route.

[Girl_about_town]

8 minutes ago, glows said:

I doubt it. Someone who is into you will keep seeing you and find reasons to keep seeing you. 

What exactly did you write in the email? Was it accusatory? Avoid doing this in future. Take more responsibility for your actions and see yourself less as helpless or powerless. Don't go down the bitter route.

Well, he was into me (as a possible fwb) until he felt rejected xD

The email was not accusatory, of course! I was just telling him that I may have given him the wrong impression and inviting him for an encore.

How am I not taking responsibility for my actions? Also, how am I bitter? 

Edited July 6, 2022 by Girl_about_town

[glows]

1 minute ago, Girl_about_town said:

Well, he was into me (as a possible fwb) until he felt rejected xD

The email was not accusatory, of course! I was just telling him that I may have given him the wrong impression and inviting him for an encore.

How am I not taking responsibility for my actions? Also, how am I bitter? 

I wouldn't read into his actions too much. It was one night you both spent together. He removed you or unfollowed you. Did you send the email after he unfollowed you? 

[Girl_about_town]

Just now, glows said:

I wouldn't read into his actions too much. It was one night you both spent together. He removed you or unfollowed you. Did you send the email after he unfollowed you? 

Yes, but only a couple of hours. I know, lame, but I felt I had nothing to lose and would rather not wonder "what if" 

[glows]

Just now, Girl_about_town said:

Yes, but only a couple of hours. I know, lame, but I felt I had nothing to lose and would rather not wonder "what if" 

Ok... let it be for now. Are there others you are also meeting? 

Switch gears and spend less time thinking about this guy.

[Girl_about_town]

6 minutes ago, glows said:

Ok... let it be for now. Are there others you are also meeting? 

Switch gears and spend less time thinking about this guy.

Thanks, I am letting it be, won't contact him again but I worry how long it's going to take me to stop thinking about him!

Today I met another guy that I had been WhatsApp'ing for a while to try and distract me from this one but, while it wasn't bad, it was a bit of a let down. I don't want to see him again but at least he hasn't ghosted me!

Edited July 6, 2022 by Girl_about_town

[glows]

Just now, Girl_about_town said:

Thanks, I am letting it be, won't contact him again but I worry how long it's going to take me to stop thinking about him!

I met another guy that I had been WhatsApp'ing for a while today to try and distract me from this one but, while it wasn't bad, it was a bit of a let down. I don't want to see this one again but at least he hasn't ghosted me!

It's ok. Why was this other one a let down? Spelling and grammatical errors? Or no sense of humour? If he can speak and write or hold a conversation, it may be worth checking out.

[Girl_about_town]

2 minutes ago, glows said:

It's ok. Why was this other one a let down? Spelling and grammatical errors? Or no sense of humour? If he can speak and write or hold a conversation, it may be worth checking out.

He couldn't get an erection!

[glows]

1 minute ago, Girl_about_town said:

He couldn't get an erection!

Ok. He might have been nervous. If you're not interested in seeing him again, it might be better to go your separate ways. Collect yourself for awhile and then return to dating. Breaks are healthy. 

[Girl_about_town]

5 minutes ago, glows said:

Ok. He might have been nervous. If you're not interested in seeing him again, it might be better to go your separate ways. Collect yourself for awhile and then return to dating. Breaks are healthy. 

Yes, I am quite busy in the next few weeks so I was planning to take a break. Thank you so much glows (and the others), you've been a great help through these tough times, and I had nobody else to talk to!

Edited July 6, 2022 by Girl_about_town

[glows]

1 minute ago, Girl_about_town said:

Yes, I am quite busy in the next few weeks so I was planning to take a break. Thank you so much glows (and the others), you've been a great help through this tough times, and I had nobody else to talk to!

Welcome. Sometimes it's nice to talk things out or let it out. 

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, Girl_about_town said:

He was so into me, asking me questions, telling me his personal issues, and it seemed so genuine.

When it's one night, you have no idea if the person is into you and being genuine or not. You need a lot more time than that to assess true interest. Unforuantely, you put your eggs in this basket far too early. 

2 hours ago, Girl_about_town said:

When he realised I was really leaving must be when I noticed him turning cold.

Listen, if a man wants to have no-strings sex again, he is going to find a way to try to get it from you. I highly doubt you leaving after sex has anything to do with his turnaround. He is probably not that easily deterred. 

What exactly did you say in your email to him? 

[stillafool]

5 hours ago, Girl_about_town said:

Well, he was into me (as a possible fwb) until he felt rejected xD

The email was not accusatory, of course! I was just telling him that I may have given him the wrong impression and inviting him for an encore.

How am I not taking responsibility for my actions? Also, how am I bitter? 

I doubt your leaving without asking for more made him feel rejected.  He knows how to ask for more sex.  You keep forgetting that you both agreed this was a one night stand and that is the way he carried it out.  You seem bitter because he's treating this as a one night stand and not contacting you but has moved on.  If he's good looking and good at sex he's plowing through online dating and probably not looking back.  So when a woman tells him she's not looking for anything but casual sex, he literally takes her up on it because that is what he's about.  It couldn't be more easier for him.  Of course he spent a little extra time chatting because that's what people do after sex.  Maybe what you call his "cold" look was actually him feeling empty because that is what casual sex does to people after a while.  Isn't that how you're feeling?  You went out to have casual sex again today with a new guy to feel better; but he couldn't get an erection, and you still don't feel better.  

[BrinnM]

5 hours ago, Girl_about_town said:

Well, he was into me (as a possible fwb) until he felt rejected xD

I don’t know. It could be anything. He may have just changed his mind for no reason, or got back with an ex, or he wasn’t digging the sex with you, or maybe he just didn’t like you as a person. Remember: even as FWB, people need to like one another if they want to continue. Yes, sex is a factor, sure, but there’s also the “friends” component, which makes the whole sex thing a regular event. I doubt he felt rejected. If this were the case, he would’ve gladly responded to your message later, and not on top of everything deleted you from insta. Don’t forget that men have a relatively hard time finding anyone who’d be up for FWB. If they have one who’s halfway acceptable, they won’t let go that easily; there must be something he really disliked. Personality, sex moves, attitude, you name it. Could be anything. If I were you, I’d be super-interested what it was, but at the same time I would’ve never in a million years sent that e-mail, not after he ignored your “I got home safely” message, and the unfollowing from IG. 
You never know though. He might be back in a few days. 

[Girl_about_town]

27 minutes ago, BrinnM said:

I don’t know. It could be anything. He may have just changed his mind for no reason, or got back with an ex, or he wasn’t digging the sex with you, or maybe he just didn’t like you as a person. Remember: even as FWB, people need to like one another if they want to continue. Yes, sex is a factor, sure, but there’s also the “friends” component, which makes the whole sex thing a regular event. I doubt he felt rejected. If this were the case, he would’ve gladly responded to your message later, and not on top of everything deleted you from insta. Don’t forget that men have a relatively hard time finding anyone who’d be up for FWB. If they have one who’s halfway acceptable, they won’t let go that easily; there must be something he really disliked. Personality, sex moves, attitude, you name it. Could be anything. If I were you, I’d be super-interested what it was, but at the same time I would’ve never in a million years sent that e-mail, not after he ignored your “I got home safely” message, and the unfollowing from IG. 
You never know though. He might be back in a few days. 

Thank you for this. I am quite sure that the sex was not the problem, but something else. He offered to do a couple of things towards the end with me (non sexual) for fun and I said no (I don't know why I said no...). I would have liked to be more playful but as my first ONS, I felt a bit awkard at times. Perhaps he thought I was boring. Who knows!

Yes, he was very rude ignoring my message, I shouldn't forgive that. I know, anyone else with a minimum of self-respect wouldn't have sent the email, but at least I feel better having clarified things.

[Girl_about_town]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

I doubt your leaving without asking for more made him feel rejected.  He knows how to ask for more sex.  You keep forgetting that you both agreed this was a one night stand and that is the way he carried it out.  You seem bitter because he's treating this as a one night stand and not contacting you but has moved on.  If he's good looking and good at sex he's plowing through online dating and probably not looking back.  So when a woman tells him she's not looking for anything but casual sex, he literally takes her up on it because that is what he's about.  It couldn't be more easier for him.  Of course he spent a little extra time chatting because that's what people do after sex.  Maybe what you call his "cold" look was actually him feeling empty because that is what casual sex does to people after a while.  Isn't that how you're feeling?  You went out to have casual sex again today with a new guy to feel better; but he couldn't get an erection, and you still don't feel better.  

Thank you for your comment stillafool. Just a couple of clarifications: I didn't consciously agree to a one night stand and then no communication, this was my mistake, not knowing in advance that this is what guys think. I thought I was agreeing to some sex, and then still treating each other as people after. I have learnt this is how it works for most guys now and I will be expecting it, while still trying to find a fwb, which I would prefer to ONSs.

Also, I am not bitter. What I am is infatuated (I looked it up) which means, this being the best sex of my life, with a really hot guy, who showed me more attention than any man before, I am hooked on a physical level. Therefore, his rejection is even harder to swallow. I still don't want a relationship with him but physiologically my brain is craving him (although thankfully it's starting to go away)

Surprisingly, I am not feeling empty at all. I feel very empowered that I am finally exploring my sexuality, and I am not just sleeping with anyone, I am very selective. But I can see how it can make you feel empty if it is used as a substitute for connection with other people. I am not missing connection in my life, luckily. Just sex and feeling desired!

I guess you are right that he probably has too high a self esteem to feel rejected. Instead, he must have thought I am no fun or there is something wrong with me, and that made him feel justified in just ghosting me.

[Girl_about_town]

4 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

When it's one night, you have no idea if the person is into you and being genuine or not. You need a lot more time than that to assess true interest. Unforuantely, you put your eggs in this basket far too early. 

Yes, agreed, but I don't mean that he had true interest as in he wanted to date me and marry me, but as in he found me very intriguing and alluring, he said so himself. He was being genuine but I know his feelings were not deep. Still, felt good!

4 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Listen, if a man wants to have no-strings sex again, he is going to find a way to try to get it from you. I highly doubt you leaving after sex has anything to do with his turnaround. He is probably not that easily deterred. 

Ok, I'll take that point. But something caused the turnaround and I would love to know what so I can avoid it in the future. I would like the man to still find me at least a bit alluring after, not discard me like a used towel!

 

Sorry, I cannot write exactly what I said in the email!

[basil67]

6 minutes ago, Girl_about_town said:

But something caused the turnaround and I would love to know what so I can avoid it in the future. I would like the man to still find me at least a bit alluring after, not discard me like a used towel!

There are no guarantees that a certain behaviour from you will deliver a certain behaviour in someone else.  Sure, it's possible that you did something which made him not want to bother with you again.  But equally, perhaps it was only ever going to be a ONS.  There's really no way to know.

That said, if you don't want to be "discarded like a used towel", limit your sexual activities to people who actually want to see you again.  It's not fair to stick your hand in a fire and then blame the fire for burning you.

Edited July 6, 2022 by basil67