What next after one night stand?

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Girl_about_town said:

That be fine with me. Sex when he AND I want it.

I am not so sure this is a good arrangement for you. 

You are already getting anxious that he is ghosting you. If you were in it just for sex, you likely wouldn't really care that he hasn't read your message yet. Casual sex can be fine, but only if you're being honest with yourself about what you expect out of it. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Girl_about_town said:

What increased my level of attraction was the conversation yesterday, sharing intimate facts and feelings and finding things in common.

'Deep talks' seems quite relationship-like. And you want him to contact you. Reflect if you are hoping to parlay a ONS into a regular thing/relationship because you got attached.

[basil67]

You wanted casual and casual is what you've got.  He may decide to call you again....or he may not.  But I wouldn't go expecting contact outside of the sex.

Regarding him sharing deep thoughts, I've listened to interviews with sex workers who report that it's not uncommon to do a lot of talking.  A lot of people like to connect, but that connection can be just for an hour or a night.  It doesn't mean that there is a true connection between you.

[basil67]

Also, if you do meet up again and he expresses anything about you getting home safely, unless you're in treacherous weather, assure him that you can look after yourself.  

 

Edited July 3, 2022 by basil67

[Girl_about_town]

23 hours ago, basil67 said:

You wanted casual and casual is what you've got.  He may decide to call you again....or he may not.  But I wouldn't go expecting contact outside of the sex.

Regarding him sharing deep thoughts, I've listened to interviews with sex workers who report that it's not uncommon to do a lot of talking.  A lot of people like to connect, but that connection can be just for an hour or a night.  It doesn't mean that there is a true connection between you.

That's really interesting, thank you for sharing. It makes it clearer now although it is still hard to accept that a man can get vulnerable and tell you his life story, and 10 minutes later change the tone, see you out, then leave your messages in unread!

[Girl_about_town]

23 hours ago, basil67 said:

Also, if you do meet up again and he expresses anything about you getting home safely, unless you're in treacherous weather, assure him that you can look after yourself.  

 

Good tip! XD

[Girl_about_town]

23 hours ago, S2B said:

A FWB situation at best. I wouldn’t expect that any contact will happen until one of you asks for another dose of sex. 
 

and then while you aren’t together having sex - no contact again.

if you can handle a guy not communicating at all unless he wants sex - then you can handle it.

if you expect anything more - it likely won’t work.

I can handle the guy only communicating for sex, I think. What I find tough is getting ghosted, I think it's basic human decency to not leave someone's messages on unread (unless they are harassing you, in which case you should just block them)

[Girl_about_town]

On 7/3/2022 at 9:46 PM, ExpatInItaly said:

I am not so sure this is a good arrangement for you. 

You are already getting anxious that he is ghosting you. If you were in it just for sex, you likely wouldn't really care that he hasn't read your message yet. Casual sex can be fine, but only if you're being honest with yourself about what you expect out of it. 

I think part of the problem is that I am very sensitive to getting ghosted or even delays in replying to messages, etc, not just from this guy but from everybody. For some reason it really bothers me, more than the average person, and being ghosted in particular is very hurtful for me, even if I don't want a relationship with the guy. Since all communications happens on messaging apps now, I'll have to factor in how this is going to affect me if I continue to pursue NSA relationships!

[Girl_about_town]

On 7/3/2022 at 9:38 PM, glows said:

It’s normal to care for others especially those you know intimately. There seem to be barriers in dating and also very common, despite sharing affection for one another. He’s not someone you would date and good for you for knowing your boundaries. 

You should know however, OP, those who decide to go with NSA or fwb situations are usually in transition periods of some sort. Not always but more common than not. You may meet those who are completely emotionally vacant or unavailable or too afraid to be comfortable beyond a point. 

Despite his looks and winning personality (in bed) I’d leave room for incompatibilities either way in communication style etc. Don’t stay too hung up over this guy.

Thanks, I am not staying hung up on him, I am already arranging to meet another guy but I will unfortunately still hope that he contacts me someday!

[Girl_about_town]

On 7/3/2022 at 9:34 PM, NuevoYorko said:

Do you honestly think you are cut out for this?  

I may not be! This was my first ONS and the night itself was amazing, but the wanting more the next day amd getting ghosted has been tough. When I do it again I'll be better prepared.

[stillafool]

15 minutes ago, Girl_about_town said:

I may not be! This was my first ONS and the night itself was amazing, but the wanting more the next day amd getting ghosted has been tough. When I do it again I'll be better prepared.

Well this time if the sex is good you should ask him before you leave if you can see him again so you won't have to go through this again.

[Girl_about_town]

1 minute ago, stillafool said:

Well this time if the sex is good you should ask him before you leave if you can see him again so you won't have to go through this again.

Yes, exactly. However, he may say yes to my face to "avoid hurting my feelings" and then ghost me anyway! XD

[basil67]

1 hour ago, Girl_about_town said:

That's really interesting, thank you for sharing. It makes it clearer now although it is still hard to accept that a man can get vulnerable and tell you his life story, and 10 minutes later change the tone, see you out, then leave your messages in unread!

It may not be vulnerability - he just might like talking about himself. 

[BrinnM]

29 minutes ago, Girl_about_town said:

Yes, exactly. However, he may say yes to my face to "avoid hurting my feelings" and then ghost me anyway! XD

Agreed. The only way to navigate an FWB situationship is to detach emotionally. 
 

4 minutes ago, basil67 said:

It may not be vulnerability - he just might like talking about himself. 

yes!

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Girl_about_town said:

I am very sensitive to getting ghosted or even delays in replying to messages, etc, not just from this guy but from everybody.

Maybe you aren't cut out for casual sex if you are sensitive to people not replying to messages and perhaps even ghosting.  Casual means "I'll get back to you when it's conveinient for me, and if you don't hear from me don't sweat it."  You can't do that.  I agree that his guy didn't sound like he was being vulnerable to you just venting about his life.  You were reading more into it than it was.

[mortensorchid]

Wait for him to contact you.  And if he doesn't?  Then just move on.

Lost weekends are lost weekends.  Sometimes you meet, you're instantly hot for one another, and you do IT.  Fact.  However, you must realize as well that you have jumbled emotions which you can and do confuse with love when it's not.  Lust falls under it, to be sure, but... Remember you don't know this person and neither do they to you.  Just say you were ships that passed in the night and that was that.  There is something to be said for closing the book and moving on from it. 

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, basil67 said:

It may not be vulnerability - he just might like talking about himself. 

I was going to say the same, yes. 

Some people just like an audience for their thoughts, OP. Try not to confuse this with being vulnerable and thus more intimate. 

[basil67]

There is also that thing where people unburden themselves to a stranger.  Rather than having a personal connect, it's actually the lack of personal connection which makes it easier to speak.

https://medium.com/the-post-grad-survival-guide/opening-up-to-strangers-9232c8958748

 

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Girl_about_town said:

Yes, exactly. However, he may say yes to my face to "avoid hurting my feelings" and then ghost me anyway! XD

Agree, of you are hurt that's there's no follow up after sex, ONS situations are not working.

Slow down and consider kinder less mechanical liaisons such as FWB rather than one and done sexual encounters.

[glows]

I read this situation as you adjusting to fwb relationships and there is some learning curve involved. Your sex life is your business and no one can tell you how you wish to navigate that or whether you want a relationship or not (not fwb). 

In future let go of whatever insecurity you feel about yourself. He is entitled to moving on but once someone shows you what they are or that person doesn’t put in enough effort regardless of your dynamic, don’t spend too much time on that person. Not everyone will be flippant with you or rude. 

I agree with you that ghosting anyone is rude. You do not have to tolerate that in any type of relationship. Depend less also on what he thinks of you. You seem to care too much what he thinks.

[Girl_about_town]

11 hours ago, glows said:

I read this situation as you adjusting to fwb relationships and there is some learning curve involved. Your sex life is your business and no one can tell you how you wish to navigate that or whether you want a relationship or not (not fwb). 

In future let go of whatever insecurity you feel about yourself. He is entitled to moving on but once someone shows you what they are or that person doesn’t put in enough effort regardless of your dynamic, don’t spend too much time on that person. Not everyone will be flippant with you or rude. 

I agree with you that ghosting anyone is rude. You do not have to tolerate that in any type of relationship. Depend less also on what he thinks of you. You seem to care too much what he thinks.

Thank you, this is very helpful. It is definitely a learning curve, I went in quite naively, should have prepared myself better. If it had been a FWB relationship it would have been easier to adjust to but a ONS with a guy who ghosts you is one of the worst things that can happen (not the worst because at least the night itself was great!)

You are also right that I tend to care too much about what people think of me, I am working on that.

As an update, he unfollowed me on Instagram yesterday so it is clear now that I can move on. I wrote him an email last night with a few things I needed to say, to unburden myself, and I don't expect to hear back (or that he even reads it) but it helps me get him off my mind.

[Wiseman2]

8 minutes ago, Girl_about_town said:

, he unfollowed me on Instagram yesterday so it is clear now that I can move on. I wrote him an email last night with a few things I needed to say, to unburden myself.

The best person to know well is yourself. Now you know that one and done random sex is not for you.

Especially when you feel the need to have a breakup talk with someone you weren't even dating.

Delete and block him. Consider better dating/relationship options for yourself, that work for you rather than trying to turn a hookup into a relationship.

[ExpatInItaly]

20 minutes ago, Girl_about_town said:

As an update, he unfollowed me on Instagram yesterday so it is clear now that I can move on. I wrote him an email last night with a few things I needed to say, to unburden myself, and I don't expect to hear back (or that he even reads it) but it helps me get him off my mind.

I would really urge you not to engage in casual sex again, OP. Not at this time, anyway. 

You felt the need to unburden yourself to a guy you met once. That suggests your feelings got too wrapped up in this and you don't have the level of detachment that is generally needed for more casual arrangements. And that's fine, it's not for everyone. This experience taught you that it's not for you, either. 

 

[Girl_about_town]

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

The best person to know well is yourself. Now you know that one and done random sex is not for you.

Especially when you feel the need to have a breakup talk with someone you weren't even dating.

Delete and block him. Consider better dating/relationship options for yourself, that work for you rather than trying to turn a hookup into a relationship.

I need to clarify that the email I sent him was not breakup talk. Also, I am not looking for a relationship, I am just lusting for this guy and I would have liked to see him at least one more time.

[Girl_about_town]

4 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I would really urge you not to engage in casual sex again, OP. Not at this time, anyway. 

You felt the need to unburden yourself to a guy you met once. That suggests your feelings got too wrapped up in this and you don't have the level of detachment that is generally needed for more casual arrangements. And that's fine, it's not for everyone. This experience taught you that it's not for you, either. 

 

Thanks for the advice, I felt the need to unburden myself by clarifying what I think may have been a misunderstanding that night. I wondered whether that may have been the reason why he decided not to see me again, after initially seeming to be open to it.