What next after one night stand?

[Girl_about_town]

Yesterday I hooked up with a guy I met through a dating app. We both had expressed that we only wanted something casual, so I wasn't expecting anything more than a one night stand.
However, the sex was amazing and we also had good conversation before AND after. We both shared deep stuff, including our childhoods and our current life crises. I felt we had enough of a connection that we might want to have at least an encore and maybe eventually become friends with benefits (definitely not a relationship, I am not looking for that).
Even though he had earlier hinted at meeting again, at the very end of the night I felt a subtle shift, where he was basically hinting that that was it.
When I got home I sent him a message to tell him I arrived safe home and he hasn't even looked at it, so he's ghosting me now. WTF?
Should I wait a few days and see if he would be up for another encounter (it was really the best sex of my life) or is it not worth pursuing?

[BrinnM]

I would not send a follow-up message (yet), but instead wait for a reply (which may or may not come). I understand that you both had similar intentions when you met, and you don’t know what his real-life circumstances are. He could already be involved with somebody eise, or even married, which might be why he currently can’t/won’t open your messages.
Or he could be somebody who only hooks up once with the same person.

Or he might live far away, and decided to hook up with a girl during a (business) trip. So many possible explanations! 
You’ve sent 1 message. He hasn’t replied. Don’t send another one. Wait and see what happens. 

[glows]

No, let him get back to you. There was no need to text him you got back safe. 

Do not jump the gun assuming he is ghosting you. He may think you’re too into this or too eager and it’s off putting.

 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Girl_about_town said:

We both had expressed that we only wanted something casual, so I wasn't expecting anything more than a one night stand.

Unfortunately, you're right was just a ONS. That means no dates, chatting, etc. Next time if you would prefer a more reliable regular type of casual sex/dating/FWB, be clear on that.

[Girl_about_town]

33 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately, you're right was just a ONS. That means no dates, chatting, etc. Next time if you would prefer a more reliable regular type of casual sex/dating/FWB, be clear on that.

Thanks for the advice. Here's more info: We didn't specify a ONS beforehand, just said "something casual", but he (not me) hinted at it being more than once towards the middle of the "date", then got all intimate sharing deep stuff, then in the last 10 minutes subtly changed the tone. I also didn't hint at all that I may want to see him again, just preferred to "act cool" and see what happened the next day.

[Girl_about_town]

48 minutes ago, glows said:

No, let him get back to you. There was no need to text him you got back safe. 

Do not jump the gun assuming he is ghosting you. He may think you’re too into this or too eager and it’s off putting.

 

Thanks for the advice. He said several times "get home safe" so I thought it'd be nice to share that, but male psychology is so tricky!

[ShyViolet]

You already sent him a text which he didn't reply to, so that may be your answer right there.  If you really want to, you could try sending one more text... you have nothing to lose.  But if he doesn't reply to that one either, don't text him again!!

[Girl_about_town]

53 minutes ago, BrinnM said:

I would not send a follow-up message (yet), but instead wait for a reply (which may or may not come). I understand that you both had similar intentions when you met, and you don’t know what his real-life circumstances are. He could already be involved with somebody eise, or even married, which might be why he currently can’t/won’t open your messages.
Or he could be somebody who only hooks up once with the same person.

Or he might live far away, and decided to hook up with a girl during a (business) trip. So many possible explanations! 
You’ve sent 1 message. He hasn’t replied. Don’t send another one. Wait and see what happens. 

Thanks for the advice, I guess most likely I'll never hear from him again! More info: he's not married, almost certainly not involved with someone and he doesn't live far (we went to his place). 

[glows]

31 minutes ago, Girl_about_town said:

Thanks for the advice. He said several times "get home safe" so I thought it'd be nice to share that, but male psychology is so tricky!

It’s not male vs female psychology. This was a casual hook up and despite sharing some stories it doesn’t go beyond that outside of the bedroom. Refrain from offering too much info. 

If he doesn’t want to get back to you leave him alone. Date other men. There are dozens upon thousands of people who want no strings sex. Nothing unique about this person or what he offered. Take any non-response as your answer. Silence is an answer. 

[NuevoYorko]

If you just want another opportunity to have sex with him, there's nothing wrong with simply asking him if he's up for an encore.  

That said, I do not advise it, on account of how you are behaving.   Conjecturing about "hints" and "subtle shifts" does not demonstrate that you are really in the space for a completely NSA, sex only, potentially ongoing thing.   If you were, you probably would not have posted this.  You would have just asked him if he were DTF next Thursday and if so, shoot you a text - and you would not be trying to decipher anything.  It would be a transactional "yes or no" type of exchange.  

 

[ExpatInItaly]

If he hasn't replied, don't reach out again. 

3 hours ago, Girl_about_town said:

We both shared deep stuff, including our childhoods and our current life crises.

And try not to attach too much significance to this. Some people over-share without any emotional meaning behind it, and others mistake it for a sign of bonding or intimacy. It is not necessarily either. In the future, avoid sharing too much with guys you barely know. 

48 minutes ago, Girl_about_town said:

We didn't specify a ONS beforehand

Well, most people don't. That doesn't mean it isn't a ONS. In any case, the ball is in his court. He knows where to find you if he wants more. 

[smackie9]

Some people just like to include the experience with conversation as another form of release...and not have it to do with making a "connection" or "emotional attachment".

[Girl_about_town]

36 minutes ago, glows said:

It’s not male vs female psychology. This was a casual hook up and despite sharing some stories it doesn’t go beyond that outside of the bedroom. Refrain from offering too much info. 

If he doesn’t want to get back to you leave him alone. Date other men. There are dozens upon thousands of people who want no strings sex. Nothing unique about this person or what he offered. Take any non-response as your answer. Silence is an answer. 

Yes, I have also come to the conclusion that I shouldn't have shared so much about myself.

Regarding your second point, yes, there are countless men seeking sex but I am extremely selective, unfortunately, and I won't sleep with just about anyone. This guy is incredibly sexy, handsome, amazing in bed, the right height (I am tall)... I may or may not come accross another like him soon! Lol

I will not pester him but you can't blame a girl for trying to keep it going!

[Girl_about_town]

40 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

If you just want another opportunity to have sex with him, there's nothing wrong with simply asking him if he's up for an encore.  

That said, I do not advise it, on account of how you are behaving.   Conjecturing about "hints" and "subtle shifts" does not demonstrate that you are really in the space for a completely NSA, sex only, potentially ongoing thing.   If you were, you probably would not have posted this.  You would have just asked him if he were DTF next Thursday and if so, shoot you a text - and you would not be trying to decipher anything.  It would be a transactional "yes or no" type of exchange.  

 

Yes, this was my first ONS so I have a lot to learn about NSA sex! It is more complicated than it seems, even if you have zero intentions of dating this person, you still can get feelings

[Girl_about_town]

42 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

If he hasn't replied, don't reach out again. 

And try not to attach too much significance to this. Some people over-share without any emotional meaning behind it, and others mistake it for a sign of bonding or intimacy. It is not necessarily either. In the future, avoid sharing too much with guys you barely know. 

Well, most people don't. That doesn't mean it isn't a ONS. In any case, the ball is in his court. He knows where to find you if he wants more. 

Thank you for your advice, makes sense.

[Girl_about_town]

37 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Some people just like to include the experience with conversation as another form of release...and not have it to do with making a "connection" or "emotional attachment".

Yes, conversation of course, it was just the depth of the conversation that I thought was unusual, but I guess it's a possibility that he doesn't have anyone to talk to so took the chance, or that he tells his deep issues to everyone who'll listen!

[Girl_about_town]

1 hour ago, ShyViolet said:

You already sent him a text which he didn't reply to, so that may be your answer right there.  If you really want to, you could try sending one more text... you have nothing to lose.  But if he doesn't reply to that one either, don't text him again!!

Thanks for the advice!

[glows]

22 minutes ago, Girl_about_town said:

Yes, I have also come to the conclusion that I shouldn't have shared so much about myself.

Regarding your second point, yes, there are countless men seeking sex but I am extremely selective, unfortunately, and I won't sleep with just about anyone. This guy is incredibly sexy, handsome, amazing in bed, the right height (I am tall)... I may or may not come accross another like him soon! Lol

I will not pester him but you can't blame a girl for trying to keep it going!

Yes, but he may not be selective or he doesn’t have to be. Why should he care that much who he sleeps with? If you screen a little more then be more reserved with your info and affections. 

You’re treating him like someone special. He’s not. You’ll meet other men who are tall or maybe you might adjust your criteria for fwb. They don’t have to be as tall or taller than you.

[Girl_about_town]

3 minutes ago, glows said:

Yes, but he may not be selective or he doesn’t have to be. Why should he care that much who he sleeps with? If you screen a little more then be more reserved with your info and affections. 

You’re treating him like someone special. He’s not. You’ll meet other men who are tall or maybe you might adjust your criteria for fwb. They don’t have to be as tall or taller than you.

Thank you for that advice, I'll take it. I definitely shouldn't treat anyone as special who doesn't treat me as special as well (Only note I want to make is that perhaps I made it sound like I am hung up on height, I am not, but it was an additional bonus that he is neither too tall nor too short, amongs my other criteria lol) 

[stillafool]

4 hours ago, Girl_about_town said:

When I got home I sent him a message to tell him I arrived safe home and he hasn't even looked at it, so he's ghosting me now. WTF?
Should I wait a few days and see if he would be up for another encounter (it was really the best sex of my life) or is it not worth pursuing?

Why are you upset?  You both agreed this was a one and done situation and now he's done.   Wasn't that the plan?  He doesn't want more.  No do not contact him in a couple of days as it won't change.  If it was good for you, you probably aren't the only girl wanting more and he's taking advantage of all his options.  I'm sure they're other guys out there who are good at sex also so keep looking you'll find another one.

Edited July 3, 2022 by stillafool

[poppyfields]

Hey @Girl_about_town, first off welcome!

Secondly, agree with others but now I have a question for you and hope you will be honest.  

How is all this wondering about him and how he feels, what he wants, affecting your interest level and attraction?  

Has it increased it?  

If he were to reach out today, asked you on a legit date and expressed a desire to actually date you versus NSS, would you be happy and excited? And open to it despite your assertions that you don't want anything more than no strings casual? 

I can't help but feel you're trying to be the "cool girl" when in truth you're not.   Most women aren't if they were to be honest with themselves.

Edited July 3, 2022 by poppyfields

[Girl_about_town]

19 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Hey @Girl_about_town, first off welcome!

Secondly, agree with others but now I have a question for you and hope you will be honest.  

How is all this wondering about him and how he feels, what he wants, affecting your interest level and attraction?  

Has it increased it?  

If he were to reach out today, asked you on a legit date and expressed a desire to actually date you versus NSS, would you be happy and excited? And open to it despite your assertions that you don't want anything more than no strings casual? 

I can't help but feel you're trying to be the "cool girl" when in truth you're not.   Most women aren't if they were to be honest with themselves.

Thanks for the welcome! What increased my level of attraction was the conversation yesterday, sharing intimate facts and feelings and finding things in common.

However, the most I would ever want with him would be FWB. I could care about him as a friend, but nothing more. If he were to ask me on a date I would be very flattered, but I would be clear with him that I am not interested in a relationship.

Without sharing my personal history or details, all I can say is that there are many factors why he and I are not compatible for a romantic relationship. In any case, he would never ask me on a date because he knows these factors and he was also looking only for something casual.

The bottom line for me is that I  honestly not interested in a romantic relationship, but I am also not a psychopath so I can end up caring for (not loving) someone I sleep with, as a person.

[Girl_about_town]

41 minutes ago, S2B said:

No, don’t contact him.

the agreement was for sex. You got what you asked for.

he doesn’t plan to do anything else… until he wants the sex again. Expect nothing! Except random unattached sex when HE wants it.

That be fine with me. Sex when he AND I want it.

[NuevoYorko]

1 hour ago, Girl_about_town said:

That be fine with me. Sex when he AND I want it.

Do you honestly think you are cut out for this?  

[glows]

It’s normal to care for others especially those you know intimately. There seem to be barriers in dating and also very common, despite sharing affection for one another. He’s not someone you would date and good for you for knowing your boundaries. 

You should know however, OP, those who decide to go with NSA or fwb situations are usually in transition periods of some sort. Not always but more common than not. You may meet those who are completely emotionally vacant or unavailable or too afraid to be comfortable beyond a point. 

Despite his looks and winning personality (in bed) I’d leave room for incompatibilities either way in communication style etc. Don’t stay too hung up over this guy.