How to stop seeing potential in someone

July 10, 2022

7 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Things happen for a reason. You have learned quite a bit for this experience and I hope after you heal, and your brain will gain the capability to deal with situations without a therapist. We learn, we grow, we move on. You can do this! Pain is there to give us insight..this is good stuff. It prepares us for marriage/relationships and life going forward.

That’s so true, it’s absolutely the worst feeling. Weird thing is I can’t see myself talking to anyone else, my mind is just filled with him. I’ve tried moving on and talking to other guys but they just all give me an ick. Which is ironic cause all my friends tell me how this guy hasn’t given me the ick yet.

July 10, 2022

8 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Kindly, you're running in circles here. You have unanimous feedback that this guy is not a good guy. That he's rude and misogynistic and a general piece of s**t. These are the reasons why he ignored you like you don't exist. We really can't give you any more reasons.

It’s really hard for me to believe that he’s “not a good guy.” He wasn’t always misogynistic. He knew how to respect me in the very beginning. I just feel like it’s something I’ve done. Because even a guy who “isn’t interested” can be civil with you, especially one like him who has a lot of female friends. I can see him changing for the next girl.

July 10, 2022

Just how awful does he have to be before you finally get it?

July 10, 2022

6 minutes ago, xoxobby_25 said:

That’s so true, it’s absolutely the worst feeling. Weird thing is I can’t see myself talking to anyone else, my mind is just filled with him. I’ve tried moving on and talking to other guys but they just all give me an ick. Which is ironic cause all my friends tell me how this guy hasn’t given me the ick yet.

This is the grieving stage, you are grieving a loss that no one can see. Perfectly normal, and you can't expect anyone to understand. That's the hard part because it makes you feel so alone. But the good news is, this will go away in no time as long as you keep yourself busy, and find ways to do nice things for others and yourself. In time, down the road you will see it for all it was, and understand it yourself. We all do, we have been there.

Edited July 10, 2022 by smackie9

July 10, 2022

On 7/3/2022 at 11:04 AM, xoxobby_25 said:

He started to call me crazy and obsessed cause I started to reach out to him when he was leaving me on read and was online because I started to become anxious.

While I don't defend his behaviour, what exactly did you do here? How many times did you reach out and where were you saying in your state of anxiousness?

Edited July 10, 2022 by basil67

July 10, 2022

6 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Out of curiosity, just what were you doing here? While I don't defend his behaviour, what exactly did you do here? How many times did you reach out and where were you saying in your state of anxiousness?

He would always reach out when I left him on read by accident or even delivered. For instance, one time he got annoyed that I left him on read for an hour and was “active 10 minutes ago.”

This was more towards the end of us talking, when he brought up his “sister” and the TikTok of him and another girl. Along with the fact that he checked his tinder after “a while” and got 99+ matches. When he left me on read after a certain period of time and he was obviously online cause we had each other’s location I’d reach out. Then that’s why he’d call me crazy and obsessed. Once he called me obsessed I ended talking to him but he would still reach out (still called me obsessed after I left him on read for 12 hours and he responded.)

We would call each other “snobs” and I said really? When he left me on read. Nothing crazy and I was matching his energy.

Edited July 10, 2022 by xoxobby_25

July 10, 2022

15 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

But the good news is, this will go away in no time as long as you keep yourself busy, and find ways to do nice things for others and yourself. In time, down the road you will see it for all it was, and understand it yourself. We all do, we have been there.

I feel like from here I’m going to try and improve my appearance. Work out more and start taking care of myself. So if there comes a time when I see him again (because there likely will) he can look like the stupid one for making me feel like I wasn’t enough.

July 10, 2022

13 minutes ago, xoxobby_25 said:

When he left me on read after a certain period of time and he was obviously online cause we had each other’s location I’d reach out. Then that’s why he’d call me crazy and obsessed.

What exactly did you say to him when you were reaching out in this case? And how often did you reach out? I'm not trying to make you into the cause of all of this, but there may be things you could have done differently or better.

July 10, 2022

1 minute ago, basil67 said:

What exactly did you say to him when you were reaching out in this case? And how often did you reach out? I'm not trying to make you into the cause of all of this, but there may be things you could have done differently or better.

As I said in the last comment I’d call him “snob” (cause that’s what he’d call me when he said the same thing.) and I just said really? I didn’t do it every time he left me on read. I’d only reach out once and he would respond back immediately every single time.

I know I could of been different. It makes sense why I wasn’t enough for him. There were just some stunning women and he’s quite the looker himself. One reason why I feel like he ignored me was cause I wasn’t the most attractive woman and he did not want to be associated with me.

July 10, 2022

When someone keeps leaving us on read, it's our cue to write them off and step away discreetly. Reaching out repeatedly to call someone a snob when it's obvious that the other isn't interested is at best annoying and at worst invasive.

Again, I'm not condoning the way he dealt with the problem and his misogynistic comments, but it's highly likely your actions would have annoyed him. As in most interpersonal fallouts, it would seem that you both had a role to play in this going bad.

July 10, 2022

3 minutes ago, basil67 said:

When someone keeps leaving us on read, it's our cue to write them off and step away discreetly. Reaching out repeatedly to call someone a snob when it's obvious that the other isn't interested is at best annoying and at worst invasive.

That’s true. That’s why I ended up ignoring him and he still reached out. Also weird as to why he unblocked me if he was so annoyed by me he would keep my blocked.

July 10, 2022

It is what it is. You now know that the relationship between the two of you is toxic. All you can do now is learn from your own mistakes in this and work towards writing him off.

July 11, 2022

5 hours ago, xoxobby_25 said:

He knew how to respect me in the very beginning.

Didn't you just meet him once, though? This appears to have been a one-and-done, with some texting and snapping after. Nothing more.

Or am I not understanding the series of events?

Edited July 11, 2022 by ExpatInItaly

July 11, 2022

27 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Didn't you just meet him once, though? This appears to have been a one-and-done, with some texting and snapping after. Nothing more.

Or am I not understanding the series of events?

Yep you are right. Messaged me first on Facebook and I wasn’t interested so I ghosted him then bumped into him at the same bar where we talked, bought me a drink and we kissed, he even put his arms around my waist as we were on the dance floor. And then we snap chatted every day almost all day since then for over a month. We became #1 best friends on the app.

We never met since then cause he went on holiday and had birthday parties and reunions with his friends he hadn’t seen in ages. And when he wanted me to meet him at the shopping centre I was busy. And we don’t live super close to each other.

I would confront him about how I think he is just trying to make me a “Snapchat fling” but he tried to convince me otherwise…I was convinced he liked me because he would send me pictures of his family, tell me personal things, and ask me if my parents were cool with having “boyfriends” around. He would send gifs saying “soulmates” and “adore you.” Guess he was a good player.

So yes I don’t know why I got so attached. I guess I was just so attracted to him physically and had fantasies that were both sexual and non sexual. These things are always harder to get over than actual relationships for me because it’s what could of been and the potential hence this advice thread. The thought of him being with another girl hurts not because I want him necessarily but because she would probably be treated better than I did. And he will probably change these behaviors he did towards me.

Edited July 11, 2022 by xoxobby_25

July 11, 2022

23 minutes ago, xoxobby_25 said:

I would confront him about how I think he is just trying to make me a “Snapchat fling” but he tried to convince me otherwise…I was convinced he liked me because he would send me pictures of his family, tell me personal things, and ask me if my parents were cool with having “boyfriends” around. He would send gifs saying “soulmates” and “adore you.” Guess he was a good player.

Yes, in the future, don't attach much meaning to a guy who just texts or snaps you, and doesn't take you on dates. He's not even a "good" player. He's a lazy one.

Don't waste time confronting guys like him about whether this is a just a digital thing. Don't spend this much time communicating with a guy who doesn't follow through on actually seeing you in person. You got attached to a digital version of him but it's vitally important you don't spend so much time messaging these guys. It builds up false intimacy that actually has little basis in reality.

If a guy isn't actually asking you out, his memes/gifs/snaps mean nothing. Just fishing for attention.

July 11, 2022

4 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Yes, in the future, don't attach much meaning to a guy who just texts or snaps you, and doesn't take you on dates. He's not even a "good" player. He's a lazy one.

Don't waste time confronting guys like him about whether this is a just a digital thing. Don't spend this much time communicating with a guy who doesn't follow through on actually seeing you in person. You got attached to a digital version of him but it's vitally important you don't spend so much time messaging these guys. It builds up false intimacy that actually has little basis in reality.

If a guy isn't actually asking you out, his memes/gifs/snaps mean nothing. Just fishing for attention.

Thank you for your advice, this is a lesson learnt. I think with the next person I will not text them as much and not really give them a second chance if they’ve made it clear they don’t want anything more than to talk online. Kept having home cause he was saying how he wanted to see me and take me out. But never went through with the plans

Like I said however my next issue to tackle is if I see him with his potential new girlfriend at the bar. As it would really hurt and make me question why I was treated this way and I wasn’t good enough for anything more. But I guess that’s an issue to talk through with my therapist.

Edited July 11, 2022 by xoxobby_25

July 11, 2022

2 minutes ago, xoxobby_25 said:

Like I said however my next issue to tackle is if I see him with his potential new girlfriend at the bar. As it would really hurt and make me question why I was treated this way and I wasn’t good enough for anything more. But I guess that’s an issue to talk through with my therapist.

That would be a good idea, yes.

And I would personally stay away from that bar for a bit. You're not in a place yet where seeing him won't upset you a lot.

July 11, 2022

@xoxobby_25 He’s a guy with tons of options. If he’s getting 99 matches on Tinder, he’s very attractive. And that’s why you likely got so attached. A very attractive man giving you attention as if it might go somewhere. Easy to fall for. But to him, you were just another option. Women are a dime a dozen for him. And, from your words in this thread, you did / are obsessed. In your own words, you can’t get over him after one in person encounter. So he’s not wrong when he says that.

July 11, 2022

On 7/2/2022 at 9:47 PM, xoxobby_25 said:

To block/delete, which I have done. She told me he was the textbook definition of "toxic" and I need to learn how to be detached because attachment = fantasises.

I agree with your therapist. No good will come from having any type of relationship with this type of toxicity and it's the reason you are out of sorts now. When someone cares about you and your feelings, they don't make you feel the way you feel now. Keep him blocked and consider yourself to have dodged a bullet. You'll know just how toxic he was when you meet a decent guy who will put his behavior to shame.

July 11, 2022

19 hours ago, xoxobby_25 said:

As I said in the last comment I’d call him “snob” (cause that’s what he’d call me when he said the same thing.) and I just said really? I didn’t do it every time he left me on read. I’d only reach out once and he would respond back immediately every single time.

I know I could of been different. It makes sense why I wasn’t enough for him. There were just some stunning women and he’s quite the looker himself. One reason why I feel like he ignored me was cause I wasn’t the most attractive woman and he did not want to be associated with me.

This is self loathing^^^, devaluing yourself because someone wasn't interested. This is something you need to work on. The reality is, not everyone is going to be interested for various reasons...it's that way with the majority of us/people. Learn to not take it so personally. If you seek some kind of recognition/revenge/anger towards him, you are only letting him win. To be a winner is to not care what he thinks or does, and to dismiss him out of your thoughts. Never base your value on what others think of you.

July 11, 2022

22 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

This is self loathing^^^, devaluing yourself because someone wasn't interested. This is something you need to work on. The reality is, not everyone is going to be interested for various reasons...it's that way with the majority of us/people. Learn to not take it so personally. If you seek some kind of recognition/revenge/anger towards him, you are only letting him win. To be a winner is to not care what he thinks or does, and to dismiss him out of your thoughts. Never base your value on what others think of you.

That’s true. But I don’t want any revenge towards him. I kept him blocked to dismiss him out of my thoughts since having him online would of made things worse. I am upset because he made me feel special, and even when I ignored him and tried to move on realizing he “was not interested” he still reached out. I don’t like as well how some people in this thread are blaming be for being too interested when he manipulated me into making me think he cared. I did not like how he would talk about other women to me, especially when I saw they were more attractive than me. And the worst feeling was when he just gave me a cold look and acted like I didn’t exist after talking so much. I have always had a low self esteem but I can truly say it’s at its lowest right now. But I’m trying to build it back up.

Edited July 11, 2022 by xoxobby_25

July 11, 2022

4 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

@xoxobby_25 He’s a guy with tons of options. If he’s getting 99 matches on Tinder, he’s very attractive. And that’s why you likely got so attached. A very attractive man giving you attention as if it might go somewhere. Easy to fall for. But to him, you were just another option. Women are a dime a dozen for him. And, from your words in this thread, you did / are obsessed. In your own words, you can’t get over him after one in person encounter. So he’s not wrong when he says that.

Well yes of course. I’ve been told that I’m an “attractive” woman (which is hard to believe.) and I have options myself. Yes I became attached but he was also doing things to make me feel that way (acting jealous about me making out with other guys, talking to me constantly and getting annoyed as well when I left him on read, false hope etc.) When I removed him on Snapchat in the beginning he would always message me on Facebook and get annoyed as to why I would do it.

He was the one who would reach out no matter what. And only got this way towards the end which is why I cut it off. I was also told one of the reasons why he ignored me a few nights ago was cause he was a bit cut I blocked him off everything since he was still following me on social media at the time. And girls usually suck up to him and I didn’t do that.

The advice is good in the thread but I don’t like how everyone acted like it was all one sided and that my feelings aren’t as valid cause it was one encounter. Cause even when I tried to pull away he would come right back.

Edited July 11, 2022 by xoxobby_25

July 11, 2022

9 minutes ago, xoxobby_25 said:

I did not like how he would talk about other women to me

But this why you should have stopped talking to before now, OP. When a guy shows you red flags and says things that upset you, the best response is to drop him. Not wait around and hope that he becomes a better person.

Just now, xoxobby_25 said:

Cause even when I tried to pull away he would come right back.

Texting or snapping you again isn't coming right back, girl. That would involve asking you out on a date and following through. You put too much weight on something that took almost no effort on his part, which was picking up his phone and typing off some messages or sending a pic. In the future, don't mistake this for a sign that a guy cares when he's not actually taking you out on dates.

July 11, 2022

1 hour ago, vla1120 said:

I agree with your therapist. No good will come from having any type of relationship with this type of toxicity and it's the reason you are out of sorts now. When someone cares about you and your feelings, they don't make you feel the way you feel now. Keep him blocked and consider yourself to have dodged a bullet. You'll know just how toxic he was when you meet a decent guy who will put his behavior to shame.

I don’t know if I can say I dodged a bullet cause guys like him change for other women. And apparently it’s my problem for talking to a guy with a lot of options and getting attached. Which yes I am an anxious attached person but it wasn’t all one sided.

July 11, 2022

2 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Texting or snapping you again isn't coming right back, girl.

I’m not good with my words but that’s what I meant.

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