How to stop seeing potential in someone

[xoxobby_25]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Excellent advice. Only invest in men who are sincerely interested.

He unblocked me on Snapchat. I was curious I checked his name.

Not sure if he just does not care anymore or he is planning to reach out or wanting me to reach out. Either way I will either delete his friend request or block him if he does try to add me. 

[ShyViolet]

12 hours ago, xoxobby_25 said:

Thank you, also one more thing I forgot to add but one other reason why I think he was a good person was because he has a massive family and friends who pretty much say positive things about him. He got so many Happy Birthday's on FB. For some reason I tend to judge guys' worth based on popularity and the things they have or do that I don't. I feel that when obtaining this person - I will have all these great things as well. Which I understand is a toxic mindset. 

This does not matter.  You need to stop trying to analyze him and stop making excuses for him.  He treated you really badly and was disrespectful to you MANY times.  Anyone with good judgment and self-respect would have stopped taking to this guy long ago.

It's good that you're in therapy.  You know logically that you need to just keep this guy blocked and never associate with him again.  But you can't help that you keep having thoughts about him..... that's okay, we are human and we get thoughts, sometimes troubling or inconvenient thoughts.  We can't control our thoughts, we can only let them pass by.  So whenever you get a thought about him, don't beat yourself up about it, just remind yourself that this guy is no good for you and let the thought pass.  Over time, the thoughts will become less and less frequent, until they go away forever.

Just don't let yourself fall for another disrespectful, toxic guy in the future.  You need to correct these behavior patterns in yourself and develop better judgment.

[stillafool]

14 hours ago, xoxobby_25 said:

Thank you, also one more thing I forgot to add but one other reason why I think he was a good person was because he has a massive family and friends who pretty much say positive things about him. He got so many Happy Birthday's on FB. For some reason I tend to judge guys' worth based on popularity and the things they have or do that I don't. I feel that when obtaining this person - I will have all these great things as well. Which I understand is a toxic mindset. 

He may be a great son and family member but it doesn't mean he treats girls this way.  He's a player with a lot of options.  He will play with your feelings and you but you'll end up hurt.  He's a 21 year old guy and they have one thing on their mind - girls, girls and more girls.  Not all 21 year guys are like this but popular ones like this one play the field because they can.  I think with you lack of experience its best you leave this guy alone because he will hurt you.  If you want to forget him then go out with other guys.  At your age you should be dating plenty.

[ExpatInItaly]

16 hours ago, xoxobby_25 said:

Not sure if he just does not care anymore 

He never did care, OP. 

He's just toying with you. You need more self-respect, so you ditch clowns like this the moment you realize they're just messing around. 

[basil67]

On 7/3/2022 at 2:38 PM, xoxobby_25 said:

My therapist has been helping me on this. Cause she believes that I go for looks over personality so I am "trapping" myself into these toxic situationships. 

I don't suppose this guy you're hooked on happens to be hot?  

[Calmandfocused]

No, there is no potential here whatsoever.  You’re wasting your time and your emotions. 
 

He sounds like a “Jack the lad” type to me and to be fair; why shouldn’t he be at his age? You’ve bet on the wrong horse here. 
 

Op, bottom line: if he wanted to be with you he would. If he was serious about you he would have been parading you around his party as “his girl” 

Hes not doing any of that. 
 

Your therapist is right. You need to stop “hoping” and understand that this is not going to work out the way you want it to. 
 

You’d be doing yourself a favour by simply letting him go. 

 

[xoxobby_25]

13 hours ago, basil67 said:

I don't suppose this guy you're hooked on happens to be hot?  

Sure is. Weirdly enough though I was not attracted to him at first. We were friends on Facebook since 2020 but I didn’t flinch an eyelid. He messaged me first in the beginning of May this year but I only spoke to him for a bit and ghosted him for 2 weeks cause I wasn’t interested at first.
 

Sometimes I wish I didn’t kiss him that night I saw him, I was just drunk and wanted to make out with someone. There were a few girls who would go up to him that night too. I couldn’t care less if a bunch of girls wanted him but it hurt to see him brag about this attention to me. He even sent me a TikTok that a friend made of him and another girl. So that’s what I try to think about. 

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, xoxobby_25 said:

He even sent me a TikTok that a friend made of him and another girl

It's time to delete and block him. He wants a fan club, not a relationship.

[xoxobby_25]

2 hours ago, Calmandfocused said:

He sounds like a “Jack the lad” type to me and to be fair; why shouldn’t he be at his age? You’ve bet on the wrong horse here. 

 

I knew this from the start. He wasn’t a serious guy. Or at least serious with me since I know right women can change these type of guys. I’ve managed to fantasize a whole life with him (especially through his mothers instagram where his ex and his stepbrothers ex were on camping and river trips with them.) In the beginning he told me he wanted to settle down. And I had this stupid though that I would change him because he would tell me that he’d be better off single cause most women “would just sleep around” but I don’t sleep around and I have a university degree and was educated and a “good girl” so I thought I was different. 

 

 

[xoxobby_25]

2 hours ago, Calmandfocused said:

Op, bottom line: if he wanted to be with you he would. If he was serious about you he would have been parading you around his party as “his girl” 

Also something I think about. He has unblocked on Snapchat now. So if he felt bad about everything he would reach out. And he’s an idiot thinking I’m going to reach out and throw myself at him. I try to think that he has so many girls that are hung up on him, why would he care about me? 

I also knew I wasn’t the girl for him cause his past posts were about him liking blondes, and he told me he was attracted to girls with freckles on their knows. I am not Caucasian so I do not have those features. 

[xoxobby_25]

25 minutes ago, xoxobby_25 said:

freckles on their knows.

Nose lol oops 

[Alpacalia]

How to stop seeing potential in someone?

You don’t need anyone for anything.

There is nothing in this world that someone can offer me that I can't offer myself.

4 hours ago, xoxobby_25 said:

I also knew I wasn’t the girl for him cause his past posts were about him liking blondes, and he told me he was attracted to girls with freckles on their knows. I am not Caucasian so I do not have those features. 

If I were in your shoes and he’s going to make posts about other women, let him.

Tell yourself: "I’ll take the high road, because that makes me feel better. Oh yes, she’s a blond beautiful girl, she’s probably an awesome person, I wish her the best. I know I’m attractive and I know I will find someone else." 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

9 hours ago, xoxobby_25 said:

And I had this stupid though that I would change him because he would tell me that he’d be better off single cause most women “would just sleep around”

Ugh, don't bother with mysoginists, OP. 

His attitude is gross and spectacularly hypocritical. 

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, xoxobby_25 said:

And he’s an idiot thinking I’m going to reach out and throw myself at him. 

Learn to cut egotistical people out of your life sooner rather than later. Eventually they become emotional vampires and drain you.

[xoxobby_25]

I just want to say thank you guys for this advice.

Unfortunately as much as you can block someone on social media, you can’t block them in real life. Saying that, I ended up bumping into him at the bar we met a couple of hours ago. 

It was just horrible cause he just looked at me and said nothing. I assume cause not only he’s not interested, but I sort of cut him off through blocking (even though he could always reach out, but of course he never did.) 

I went to go get a drink to calm my nerves, but he was at the corner of the bar whispering to his friend and his friend was looking towards me. So much for him saying “when we see each other again we won’t stop having our hands on each other.” 

I ended up having to go home early cause I just wasn’t ready to see him so fresh into this pain. I don’t know how I’m gonna handle if he gets a girlfriend and brings her to the bar. I threw up in the bathroom when I saw him and walked to order my Uber sobbing. 
 

 

 

[stillafool]

Sorry he gave you that reaction when you last saw him.  It would be a good idea to stay away from that bar for a while until you get over him.  Being there and possibly seeing his with a new girl at some point will be like pouring salt into the wound.  Just stay away and you'll be okay after a while.

[Alpacalia]

Oh no.

That's tough.

I remember when I found out this man I dated was getting married. I cried so badly. I can laugh now about it, thanks gosh!

Don't worry, you'll get through this.

Good for you for blocking him.

As others have already said, you just need to keep your distance and try not to go to places you know he will be at if you know you will encounter him.

 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, xoxobby_25 said:

I ended up bumping into him at the bar we met a couple of hours ago. I went to go get a drink to calm my nerves I don’t know how I’m gonna handle if he gets a girlfriend and brings her to the bar.

 Sorry this happened. Stop going to this place. Find other places to go out and go out with friends or a date.

Edited July 9, 2022 by Wiseman2

[xoxobby_25]

20 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. Stop going to this place. Find other places to go out and go out with friends or a date.

I’m glad I’m not going for a couple of weeks after tonight due to plans with other friends. However I am annoyed cause I enjoyed this place long before I met him and now it’s just a constant reminder. 

[stillafool]

41 minutes ago, xoxobby_25 said:

I’m glad I’m not going for a couple of weeks after tonight due to plans with other friends. However I am annoyed cause I enjoyed this place long before I met him and now it’s just a constant reminder. 

Well you'll find another place you like.  It's best to protect your heart.

[ExpatInItaly]

I agree that it would be best to find a new hang-out spot, OP.  Running into him again, especially if she's with another woman, is going to be too hard. 

18 hours ago, xoxobby_25 said:

I threw up in the bathroom when I saw him and walked to order my Uber sobbing.

But on this note, I would also explore with your therapist how quickly and deeply you got attached to a guy you hooked up with, what, one time?I don't mean that as a shot at you, but it would be worth figuring out how and why this provoked such a strong reaction in you. 

[xoxobby_25]

6 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I agree that it would be best to find a new hang-out spot, OP.  Running into him again, especially if she's with another woman, is going to be too hard. 

But on this note, I would also explore with your therapist how quickly and deeply you got attached to a guy you hooked up with, what, one time?I don't mean that as a shot at you, but it would be worth figuring out how and why this provoked such a strong reaction in you. 

I’m not going for a while. I have a group of friends and that’s where they hang out because of the area they live in. No longer going there will probably mean I won’t be able to hang out with them. I’m just hoping I will feel a detachment before then so seeing him won’t feel so bad. 
 

I did discuss this with my therapist. And it’s because I spoke to him so much (longest we went without talking that didn’t include sleeping hours was 4 hours.) Which provoked a deep attachment. As I am naturally an easily attached person. 

I still feel horrible. Why would a guy ignore me like I don’t exist especially when we talked so often for so long? When he would tell me that when he saw me he wouldn’t keep his hands off me. Like not even a hello? Just gave me a cold look and went off to laugh and dance with his friends and likely other women. People around me think it’s cause he knows he’s blocked so he’s cut about it. Cause even a guy who isn’t interested wouldn’t care to just give a short and sweet hello? I had to suppress my temptation to reach out to him or get angry, hence why I left the bar early that night. 
 

I just feel like my sense of self worth has been challenged completely. 

Edited July 10, 2022 by xoxobby_25

[Alpacalia]

2 hours ago, xoxobby_25 said:

I just feel like my sense of self worth has been challenged completely. 

That will go away with time.

[smackie9]

Things happen for a reason. You have learned quite a bit for this experience and I hope after you heal, and your brain will gain the capability to deal with situations without a therapist. We learn, we grow, we move on. You can do this! Pain is there to give us insight..this is good stuff. It prepares us for marriage/relationships and life going forward.

Edited July 10, 2022 by smackie9

[basil67]

4 hours ago, xoxobby_25 said:

I still feel horrible. Why would a guy ignore me like I don’t exist especially when we talked so often for so long? .......

Kindly, you're running in circles here.  You have unanimous feedback that this guy is not a good guy.  That he's rude and misogynistic and a general piece of s**t.   These are the reasons why he ignored you like you don't exist.    We really can't give you any more reasons. 

 

Edited July 10, 2022 by basil67