How to stop seeing potential in someone

[xoxobby_25]

I (21F) met a guy (21M) on Facebook and then we bumped into each other at a bar. All was great, he spoke to me for over an hour, bought me a drink, and we danced and kissed. He even walked me out of the bar. We began talking on Snapchat for the next month and a half after that.

Until things got progressively worse. He started talking to me about the girls he founded attractive. He made excuses to see me. He seemed like he only wanted to sleep with me and got annoyed that I didn't send nudes as we did sext. We would joke him seeing others but he tried to convince me that I was the only girl he was talking to and that if he found out that I made out with someone he would tell the bartender there to cut me off cause "he knows how girls are when they drink." He sent me a video that night (he denies he said that) of him calling me an offensive name even though I have only had sex once in my life, and that was with my ex-bf. 

He also told me he had a "sister". He showed me a few pics of her and I believed it cause she was gorgeous and kind of looked like him. His mum also posted her on her social media. Until he tells me a few days ago that she is actually his step-brothers ex-gf and that she has been flirting with him and talking dirty. I joked and said "you obviously liked it" and he responds "not gonna lie, she's hot." His birthday was a few days ago and she posted pictures of him (some he would send me) and captioned it "happy birthday to this messy boy ."

He started to call me crazy and obsessed cause I started to reach out to him when he was leaving me on read and was online because I started to become anxious. Even though he would sometimes call me out if I left him on read by accident or sometimes even just on delivered for too long. I decided to ignore him and he kept reaching out. I responded back calling him out. Then he blocked me on Snapchat. I asked why and his response was "you've done it to me heaps of times for no reason" (even though I only did it twice in the beginning because he was leaving me on read and I assumed he was no longer interested.) 

He had a massive 21st party was last night with over 70 people, which I was not invited to cause he said that "no one knows me and I am too shy." I decided to cut him off and block him on all platforms, as I knew his "sister" would be there since his mum adores her (and does not like women according to him.) And other girls (even though he said all the non-family girls there are his mates gfs but I do not buy it.) I also did not want him to reach out. The crazy part is that I see potential in him and I still think he is a good person - just has been hurt by his ex gf of three years. I have been in a situation where a guy who did not want me became the "perfect" bf for another girl and I had a feeling I would see it in him too. I could not afford being crushed, questioning my self worth again and going insane. 

I still fantasise about what it would be like to be with him and his family since they seemed like heaps of fun from what he told me and ig pics, and especially sex fantasises cause he would tell me what he wanted to do. I don't know why these will not go away even though he has shown me who he is. But I still think of that first night. I have not been able to eat, sleep, or focus on my work. I see a therapist but I cannot help these thoughts. 

 

Edited July 3, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
offensive language

[basil67]

What advice does your therapist give?

Edited July 3, 2022 by basil67

[xoxobby_25]

6 minutes ago, basil67 said:

What advice does your therapist give?

To block/delete, which I have done. She told me he was the textbook definition of "toxic" and I need to learn how to be detached because attachment = fantasises. 

[basil67]

Have you heard the expression "when someone shows you who they are, believe them"?   Just how many times does he have to be toxic towards you before you realise that he's actually toxic?

 

[basil67]

Also, you put this down to him having been hurt by his ex gf. Fact is, everyone gets hurt at some stage in their lives and they don't turn toxic.  Many get hurt multiple times yet they don't turn into toxic beings.  Make no mistake, this behaviour is his choice and has nothing to do with being hurt.   But I bet your therapist has also explained this to you

[BaileyB]

Maybe you need to send him some nudes so that he can share them with his friends… Or, get involved with him only to learn that he is also sleeping with other women… to learn the lesson here. 

Dating is a period of discovery and when you learn that someone is bad news, that’s your cue to walk away BEFORE you get really hurt. Whether you chose to heed the warning or not is entirely your decision. 

 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, xoxobby_25 said:

The crazy part is that I see potential in him and I still think he is a good person - just has been hurt by his ex gf of three years.

This guy has some serious character flaws that do not result from the fact that he was “hurt by his ex.” They are also not going to be fixed when he meets the right woman or, if you just given him enough time. 

1 hour ago, xoxobby_25 said:

I have been in a situation where a guy who did not want me became the "perfect" bf for another girl and I had a feeling I would see it in him too.

Was this guy an mean, disrespectful, and emotionally abusive person too? 

1 hour ago, xoxobby_25 said:

I could not afford being crushed, questioning my self worth again and going insane. 

Well then, you better stay away from this guy because he sounds like a nightmare. 

[xoxobby_25]

24 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Also, you put this down to him having been hurt by his ex gf. Fact is, everyone gets hurt at some stage in their lives and they don't turn toxic.  Many get hurt multiple times yet they don't turn into toxic beings.  Make no mistake, this behaviour is his choice and has nothing to do with being hurt.   But I bet your therapist has also explained this to you

That is true. But I just have a hard time believing he was always like this. I saw a video of his mum's birthday from years back (I had to block his mum too cause she praises him and I was using her account to look at pics of him and his past) and he seems really affectionate towards her and has his arms around her waist the entire time. He also tells me how he feels he would never find a good girl (cause they do not want "good guys") and all girls in our area are "used." I just feel like he does not trust women cause I tried to assure him I was not like that, but yes no excuse at all. 

[xoxobby_25]

19 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Was this guy an mean, disrespectful, and emotionally abusive person too? 

Was a bit toxic but most of the reason was that he was no longer interested in me. So I wonder if guys only treat girls nice that they are interested in since it appears this one is also no longer interested?

[basil67]

4 minutes ago, xoxobby_25 said:

That is true. But I just have a hard time believing he was always like this. I saw a video of his mum's birthday from years back (I had to block his mum too cause she praises him and I was using her account to look at pics of him and his past) and he seems really affectionate towards her and has his arms around her waist the entire time.

One video does not show his whole history. For all we know, we might have been pulling the wings off flies before he came to hug his mum. 

4 minutes ago, xoxobby_25 said:

He also tells me how he feels he would never find a good girl (cause they do not want "good guys") and all girls in our area are "used." I just feel like he does not trust women cause I tried to assure him I was not like that, but yes no excuse at all. 

Oh, so he's also a misogynist?   This guy is ticking a whole lot of boxes for 'toxic'

I will lay any amount of money that ex did not hurt him without good reason to do so.  He was probably toxic to her and she gave him the flick....and now he's having a hateful pity party for himself.

[basil67]

4 minutes ago, xoxobby_25 said:

Was a bit toxic but most of the reason was that he was no longer interested in me. So I wonder if guys only treat girls nice that they are interested in since it appears this one is also no longer interested?

Where has your logic gone?  Surely you've got male friends at school or college or socially who are kind and respectful towards women who they aren't romantically interested in

[xoxobby_25]

8 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Where has your logic gone?  Surely you've got male friends at school or college or socially who are kind and respectful towards women who they aren't romantically interested in

I went to an all-girls high school and did not talk to many guys while I was at university so I do not have many experience with them unless it is in a "romantic" way. 

[basil67]

I'm sorry to hear that you were not exposed to boys in your teen years.  Do you have a friend group at all?  Do you ever go to social events?  What about now that you're finished university and presumably working?  Every second person out there is male...it makes no sense that you still don't know any socially or professionally

[xoxobby_25]

4 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I'm sorry to hear that you were not exposed to boys in your teen years.  Do you have a friend group at all?  Do you ever go to social events?  What about now that you're finished university and presumably working?  Every second person out there is male...it makes no sense that you still don't know any socially or professionally

Yes I do that is how I met this guy. I may just agree with you cause I work with males at my job and they are all nice to me even though they are engaged or in long-term relationships so they are obviously not interested. 

Edited July 3, 2022 by xoxobby_25

[basil67]

Exactly.  Rude people are rude.  Kind and respectful people are kind and respectful.  It has nothing to do with romantic interest

[BaileyB]

5 minutes ago, xoxobby_25 said:

I may just agree with you cause I work with males at my job and they are all nice to me even though they are engaged or in long-term relationships so they are obviously not interested. 

I bet they are nice to the women they are dating/planning to marry too. Surely there is romantic interest between them. 

There are plenty of nice guys to date - I have one sitting beside me as we speak. 

Edited July 3, 2022 by BaileyB

[basil67]

The bottom line is to not date anyone who isn't always polite and kind to those around them.   This applies to both genders

[xoxobby_25]

23 minutes ago, basil67 said:

The bottom line is to not date anyone who isn't always polite and kind to those around them.   This applies to both genders

Thank you, also one more thing I forgot to add but one other reason why I think he was a good person was because he has a massive family and friends who pretty much say positive things about him. He got so many Happy Birthday's on FB. For some reason I tend to judge guys' worth based on popularity and the things they have or do that I don't. I feel that when obtaining this person - I will have all these great things as well. Which I understand is a toxic mindset. 

Edited July 3, 2022 by xoxobby_25

[BaileyB]

6 minutes ago, xoxobby_25 said:

Which I understand is a toxic mindset. 

It’s not toxic - it’s incredibly naive. 

[basil67]

The fact that he's nice to some and horrid to others still does not make him a good person.  Stop making excuses for him.

Meanwhile, you need to work through your own ideas about dating with your therapist.  Using a guy for what he can give you most certainly is toxic.  How would you like it if a guy wanted you only because of how you'd improve his life?  

[xoxobby_25]

48 minutes ago, basil67 said:

The fact that he's nice to some and horrid to others still does not make him a good person.  Stop making excuses for him.

Meanwhile, you need to work through your own ideas about dating with your therapist.  Using a guy for what he can give you most certainly is toxic.  How would you like it if a guy wanted you only because of how you'd improve his life?  

My therapist has been helping me on this. Cause she believes that I go for looks over personality so I am "trapping" myself into these toxic situationships. 

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, xoxobby_25 said:

He started talking to me about the girls he founded attractive.

This is where you should have stopped talking to him. 

4 hours ago, xoxobby_25 said:

I still think he is a good person - just has been hurt by his ex gf of three years.

No, no, no. He's a jerk because he's a jerk. Stop making excuses for him.

Keep talking to your therapist, and keep this guy blocked. He's bad news. 

[basil67]

29 minutes ago, xoxobby_25 said:

My therapist has been helping me on this. Cause she believes that I go for looks over personality so I am "trapping" myself into these toxic situationships. 

You probably have to start by seeing men as regular people.  

[glows]

Date around a bit more and choose better partners. You have limited experience dating or exposure with the opposite sex so these fantasies abound. He’s nothing to write home about and appears more like scraping the bottom of the barrel. 

Listen to your therapist. Screen your company better.

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, xoxobby_25 said:

To block/delete, which I have done. 

Excellent advice. Only invest in men who are sincerely interested.