Why am I single?

[flaxcapacitor]

Sorry to open with such a potentially loaded question, one that probably conjures up ideas of an angry 'incel' who hasn't had sex in three months despite being moderately 'nice' to several women and is now starting to hate society as a whole and women specifically for leading him on by doing provocative things such as existing. I don't want to be that guy, and I'm 39 so while I don't think this makes me more mature I think I can at least rest easy that I've won the battle, if there ever was one, against becoming that guy.

I do mean it though, and I don't mean to ask it in the thread title as though I'm wanting people to come up and say 'this is why you're single', I just wanted to say, it's a question I'm trying to answer and  I wanted to talk about that somewhere. I came across this place, lurked for a bit while deciding what exactly I wanted to say and now here I am.

I don't want to look as though I'm desperate to get into a relationship, but I am sort of desperate to understand why I can't and maybe become the sort of person who can. People's responses tend to be that they don't believe a person could just be so unappealing that they are totally unable to have any kind of romantic attachment. They may talk about things like fearful avoidant attachment type, or suggest that I just haven't met the right person yet. I'm almost 40 though and have never been in a genuine relationship* so I don't think that I just need to be more patient and even suggesting that there could be an underlying cause to do with my mental wellbeing doesn't really explain why in 40 years it's never even been a possibility. I can't push people away if there's nobody to push away.

I really would like to believe that it's something like that, that maybe I self-sabotage, something that might cause an otherwise 'worthy' individual to go through life and never be loved. Ultimately though I just can't make myself believe this. I can't shake the belief that I am simply physically, emotionally and intellectually unattractive, ugly and without charisma. Nothing to offer that might make any women desire me and that's all there is to it. The evidence appears to point to this is a distinct possibility for why I've always been single. I've been told to my face, on numerous occasions that I'm ugly, I've never had a woman be attracted to me ever, and I really cannot think of a single talent I possess. I'm so thoroughly single that it seems unlikely it's 'just' a mental health thing because plenty of people have mental health issues and even by their standards, one short relationship in their entire life by the age of 40 is extreme.

People say I should believe in myself more and changing that belief is something I would like to do, I'm not choosing to wallow in self-loathing, but how can I just change something I believe, something that is backed up by evidence? It would be like asking a person (assuming they're not a flat-earther) to go way for a bit and when they come back, they should genuinely believe that the earth is flat. You can try and tell yourself over and over but if you know it to be round you can't just decide that from now on I believe it to be flat, and that's how I feel about believing that I am worthy to ever be in a relationship. I hope though I turn out to be wrong, I hope to one day feel like it is possible for me to find love.

Sorry, I don't actually require an answer from anyone, I know you don't know me and can't tell me why I'll never be in a relationship, I just wanted to get my feelings out somewhere.

*So I was in a relationship, 12 years ago now. I'm not sure if it really counts though because all she wanted really was a free plane ticket and somewhere to live while she saw some more of the world, the whole relationship was frankly quite abusive and did nothing to make me feel worthy of love. All in all we were together for 15 months, but actually together only for nine months of that. Since then I did have a friends-with-benefits thing, about six years ago, we met online, and slept together a couple of times, then it ended.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, flaxcapacitor said:

I don't actually require an answer from anyone, I know you don't know me and can't tell me why I'll never be in a relationship

You can't predict the future, but you can create a self-fulfilling prophecy.

[Calmandfocused]

In the same way you want women to give you a chance you need to give women a chance. 
 

I promise you that your attitude as expressed above with be oozing from you, either consciously or subconsciously and that is what is repelling woman from you. You’re not ugly, but you do have a major obstacle: Yourself! 
 

First things first: you need to release the anger and bitterness. Women do not find that attractive. 
 

Then address the sort of woman your going for. Are you being realistic? Are you trying to punch above your weight? Are you giving women a chance who you find marginally attractive?  
 

Sometimes we set ourselves up to fail so we can reinforce to ourselves how awful things are. I think this is exactly what you’re doing. 
 

you have the power to change this and do something different. Take a chance and do it. 
 

 

[flaxcapacitor]

4 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said:

In the same way you want women to give you a chance you need to give women a chance. 
 

I promise you that your attitude as expressed above with be oozing from you, either consciously or subconsciously and that is what is repelling woman from you. You’re not ugly, but you do have a major obstacle: Yourself! 
 

First things first: you need to release the anger and bitterness. Women do not find that attractive. 
 

Then address the sort of woman your going for. Are you being realistic? Are you trying to punch above your weight? Are you giving women a chance who you find marginally attractive?  
 

Sometimes we set ourselves up to fail so we can reinforce to ourselves how awful things are. I think this is exactly what you’re doing. 
 

you have the power to change this and do something different. Take a chance and do it. 
 

 

I'm not bitter, if anything, I'm a bit scared of how lonely my future is shaping out to be.

I really want to change my thinking and I've been trying... very hard, and I know you won't believe that, but like I say with the flat earth example changing things you believe isn't easy, and evidence for, not just my physical unattractiveness but my personality too keeps popping up.

I don't really like talking about 'standards'. It feels disrespectful to say things like marginally attractive but I'm attracted more to what you do with it than what you're born with. Do that well and look cute and you have my attention, and I don't feel, on the odd occasions tinder lures me in, that I swipe left much.

[Ami1uwant]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

You can't predict the future, but you can create a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I think “self-fulfilling” might have a different meaning vs reality.  There are a few women I wouldn’t mind dating…but thrn reality dies sit in.

[Ami1uwant]

2 minutes ago, flaxcapacitor said:

I'm not bitter, if anything, I'm a bit scared of how lonely my future is shaping out to be.

I really want to change my thinking and I've been trying... very hard, and I know you won't believe that, but like I say with the flat earth example changing things you believe isn't easy, and evidence for, not just my physical unattractiveness but my personality too keeps popping up.

I don't really like talking about 'standards'. It feels disrespectful to say things like marginally attractive but I'm attracted more to what you do with it than what you're born with. Do that well and look cute and you have my attention, and I don't feel, on the odd occasions tinder lures me in, that I swipe left much.

Are you friends with any women?

[Happy Lemming]

I do have a suggestion... It's not a lot of money and it may provide you with some insight -- might even help a little bit.

First off, is there "Speed Dating" in your area??  If there is... some of the coordinators offer assistance or even classes to help individuals open the conversation in a nice way, teach you how to talk to women, teach you how to listen, etc.

I don't have any first hand experience with any of this, but I did hear one positive story from a friend of a friend.

 

 

[basil67]

2 hours ago, Ami1uwant said:

Are you friends with any women?

I was about to ask this too.   And also, do you have good friendships with men?   One of the first things to look at are your interpersonal skills.

Regarding your appearance, a lot can be achieved with a makeover.  Updating hair, beard and clothing can go a long way to improving a man's looks.

What do you mean by not having a talent?  Do you have no skills in anything?    Do you work and/or have any interests?

Edited July 1, 2022 by basil67

[Weezy1973]

@flaxcapacitor Do you have any friends? That’s a good place to start. Do you socialize?

 

As far as being ugly, you say you can’t help but “feel” ugly. But objectively are you ugly? Most people have a pretty good idea about themselves. 
 

To be clear, ugly people get into relationships all the time and absolutely are worthy of being loved. But the one person I know that hasn’t is an unattractive woman. She’s very overweight, possible obese, and not very feminine. But that’s not the problem. The problem is she’s not attracted to men that are equally unattractive. Not that she wants a male model. But she wants an average looking guy. Unfortunately she’s not average looking.

[flaxcapacitor]

3 hours ago, Ami1uwant said:

Are you friends with any women?

Yes lots. I have a good social circle.

[flaxcapacitor]

3 hours ago, Happy Lemming said:

I do have a suggestion... It's not a lot of money and it may provide you with some insight -- might even help a little bit.

First off, is there "Speed Dating" in your area??  If there is... some of the coordinators offer assistance or even classes to help individuals open the conversation in a nice way, teach you how to talk to women, teach you how to listen, etc.

I don't have any first hand experience with any of this, but I did hear one positive story from a friend of a friend.

 

 

Sadly not. I used to live in a big city and went speed dating once, which I enjoyed and would definitely do more if it was a thing, but there isn't any here

[basil67]

7 minutes ago, flaxcapacitor said:

Yes lots. I have a good social circle.

Have you talked to them about what you're doing wrong?   Would they give you a makeover?

[flaxcapacitor]

31 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Have you talked to them about what you're doing wrong?   Would they give you a makeover?

I could, it's even been suggested on a couple of occasions but never followed up on. I don't know it I'd just be embarrassed to ask things like that.

[Trail Blazer]

17 minutes ago, flaxcapacitor said:

I could, it's even been suggested on a couple of occasions but never followed up on. I don't know it I'd just be embarrassed to ask things like that.

I don't think there's anything wrong with seeking advice from females friends to help you become more appealing to females.

There's nothing to be embarrassed about by asking for help, so long as they are trusted friends, and not just some random chicks you kinda/sorta know.

I can't speak as a woman, however, my experience with women suggests that many would derive satisfaction from helping a guy who they're friends with to find happiness.

[Happy Lemming]

1 hour ago, flaxcapacitor said:

Sadly not. I used to live in a big city and went speed dating once, which I enjoyed and would definitely do more if it was a thing, but there isn't any here

Yes... I understand.  Unless you're near or in a larger city, you won't find a "Speed Dating" event.

Tell me about your hobbies/interests/sports??  Would you want to participate in any co-ed sports??

[flaxcapacitor]

4 minutes ago, Trail Blazer said:

I don't think there's anything wrong with seeking advice from females friends to help you become more appealing to females.

There's nothing to be embarrassed about by asking for help, so long as they are trusted friends, and not just some random chicks you kinda/sorta know.

I can't speak as a woman, however, my experience with women suggests that many would derive satisfaction from helping a guy who they're friends with to find happiness.

I know. I had that for a little bit maybe thirteen, fourteen years ago when a female friend and i bonded over our love of style. I felt I was doing well then, though it only took me into a relationship I really might have been better off without.

[basil67]

34 minutes ago, flaxcapacitor said:

I could, it's even been suggested on a couple of occasions but never followed up on. I don't know it I'd just be embarrassed to ask things like that.

@Trail Blazer speaks the truth about female friendships.   Our friendships are built upon sharing vulnerabilities, supporting and helping.  If they are indeed good friends, they would be delighted to help. 

[flaxcapacitor]

43 minutes ago, basil67 said:

@Trail Blazer speaks the truth about female friendships.   Our friendships are built upon sharing vulnerabilities, supporting and helping.  If they are indeed good friends, they would be delighted to help. 

Yeah, I should, and I know plenty I should be more open to talking to. I guess I'm worried about a couple of possibilities, and the first is that I misjudged the whole situation, andit's how I find out that I'm not as good friends with my friends as I think and that I am just some random guy to everyone, asking creepy questions.

More worrying, that they might interpret it as some sort of advance.

And then there's just the possibility that I'm told there's nothing they can do to help me, I'm just never going to be good enough.

[Ami1uwant]

2 hours ago, flaxcapacitor said:

I could, it's even been suggested on a couple of occasions but never followed up on. I don't know it I'd just be embarrassed to ask things like that.

If you have good friends they can help you out on your appearance and mannerism.

[smackie9]

 I get it this sort of thing is a sensitive subject but, women do like to help out with these kind of things. It's either that or hire a dating/life coach. 

[Lotsgoingon]

Have you gone to therapy with this question? Because whether you date or not, you do want to learn how to better connect with people.

Connecting with people is truly fun on its own. So you're doing something that is blocking connection. It's impossible for us to see that in ourselves. A good therapist will identify your problems and offer tips. 

[flaxcapacitor]

On 7/2/2022 at 1:34 AM, Happy Lemming said:

Yes... I understand.  Unless you're near or in a larger city, you won't find a "Speed Dating" event.

Tell me about your hobbies/interests/sports??  Would you want to participate in any co-ed sports??

I'm interested, mainly in photography but also a few other things. It's not been a good way of meeting people though if that's what you were suggesting as people my age don't really do things like clubs and stuff, I'm in a photography club but it's mainly retirees and the photographers I know around my own age aren't interested in doing anything 'clubby', I guess the age-profile of clubs puts people off but it's a feedback loop too since as a result creative people and people with hobbies younger than about 60 don't do anything to share their hobby.

[flaxcapacitor]

18 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Have you gone to therapy with this question? Because whether you date or not, you do want to learn how to better connect with people.

Connecting with people is truly fun on its own. So you're doing something that is blocking connection. It's impossible for us to see that in ourselves. A good therapist will identify your problems and offer tips. 

I'm hoping to, I have an upcoming therapy appointment and we're still at the stage of working out the problems to address. I have a form of PTSD but I can't blame all my problems on that since I've only had that for part of my life and struggled with self-worth well beforehand. If anything it merely exacerbates a pre-existing issue.

[Happy Lemming]

40 minutes ago, flaxcapacitor said:

It's not been a good way of meeting people though if that's what you were suggesting as people my age don't really do things like clubs and stuff...

I was trying to think "outside of the box".  Years ago, I used to long distance run/jog with a "Runner's club" and I did date one woman from that club.

For me... I just talk to people when I'm out and about and have always seem to find women to date.  I met the majority of women I dated at bars/pubs, but did meet a few at various other places (as I went throughout my day).  I met my current girlfriend in an apartment complex pool.

As far as looks, I'm just the average guy --- right in the middle of bell curve.  There is nothing remarkable about my appearance.  I look like any average guy you would see walking down the street.  So, please don't get hung up on appearance or clothing or hair styles.  In my opinion, just go out in the world with a smile on your face and a "happy go lucky" attitude and talk to people.  If a woman you are talking to seems receptive -- ask for her number.

[Lotsgoingon]

With all due respect OP, I don't trust your own self-diagnosis. If you had the capacity to accurately diagnose yourself, you'd have made progress on this issue. It's not just you. Inability to see ourselves and what's really going on is a problem we all face. Hence the invention of therapy?

Just schedule therapy with an open mind. You don't know where quite it will go. And that's fine. We tend to focus on the most obvious symptoms of our issue. But even then we miss other (obvious to others) symptoms. And then behind the symptoms are all kinds of things. It's really hard for us to see those. 

This is actually good news for you.