5 percent leave

[SDlady68]

Hello this is my first time posting on here.  Ive been in having an affair with a MM for over 3 years now, and I read somewhere some time back that 5% of MM leave their wives. 
 

I at times feel that is so true.  As much as they say they are trying to get out of their situation, i start to believe that this statement is very true.  Sad as it might be.  Sure you cant control whom your in love with or meet. 

We met randomly when overseas.  And live in different states that are at least 6 hours apart from one another.  He tells me all the time that he wants me there with him. but i know if i did move there id not be able to see him in public because hell be super uncomfortable knowing hes been in that city for years, and so many people know him. 

So moving there to be closer is not an option for me.  I can handle the limited exposure and not worried being sighted but i can see where this would be hard for him, and wed see each other less.  So at times like this i start to wonder that 5% is alot lower than they state. 

Yes i know what im doing is wrong..and he said his marriage has been broken for years before I came along.  That im movtivation.  But i question why after all this time, even with me why hes motivated? 

I mean i get why hed stayed all this time, because why leave if you have nothing to go too.  I dont know.. im at this point where i just move on with my life and stop sitting around worrying and wondering when ill hear from him, or what hes doing. 

Im sure he hasnt put himself in my position as ive done with him.  Just a vent post.  Thanks for listening..

Edited July 3, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Allupinnit]

Does he have children?  Why couldn't he leave to come be with you?

[SDlady68]

He has no kids and his elderly parents live with him. So if he tried to leave he'd have to afford a way to find them a place to comfortably live which I understand fully. Just what gets me is, if he was unhappy all these years why not leave? But I suppose some people just settle into a rough situation and live their life as best they can until they go numb. 

[Amethyst68]

Why do you believe he's miserable in his marriage?  This is someone who is currently lying to and deceiving his wife, why do you think he's telling the truth with you? 

Also you may not choose to be attracted to someone but it's a definite choice to act on that attraction! 

[Will am I]

1 minute ago, SDlady68 said:

Just what gets me is, if he was unhappy all these years why not leave?

Because swallowing our unhappiness is done in small daily portions, while leaving is a big chunk of misery at once. Think of all the loneliness, despair, cost, worries, financial setback, house move, court cases and other things involved. 

People who get into an affair as a MM generally shy away from this big mountain of misery. 

The group that didn't shy away or back down are not to be found as MM, they are found as recently divorced men (and even that group consists mainly of men whose ex-wives filed).

[glows]

9 minutes ago, SDlady68 said:

He has no kids and his elderly parents live with him. So if he tried to leave he'd have to afford a way to find them a place to comfortably live which I understand fully. Just what gets me is, if he was unhappy all these years why not leave? But I suppose some people just settle into a rough situation and live their life as best they can until they go numb. 

Many are afraid of change. Keep in mind that divorce is still heavily stigmatized in many countries among many groups. Most cheaters are avoidant and avoid reality. The truth is easier to evade than face and it’s inherently a coping mechanism to cheat. It’s built into cheaters to avoid reality as much as possible. His reality is that his marriage is defunct according to him but they may be lies and his spouse may be very much a loving and dedicated spouse. You’re dealing with someone who has a strong probability of being seriously out of touch with reality. 

Your story and what he tells you about his unhappy marriage is a dime a dozen and extremely common. A woe is me type of story with no resolution or desire to find one. You are just one person out of anyone available he can find who will put up with his story, complaints and limited ability to be in a relationship. 

The real question is (if you’re single): Why are you limiting yourself to someone so incredibly limited and unavailable? 

Edited July 1, 2022 by glows

[SDlady68]

Just now, Amethyst68 said:

Why do you believe he's miserable in his marriage?  This is someone who is currently lying to and deceiving his wife, why do you think he's telling the truth with you? 

Also you may not choose to be attracted to someone but it's a definite choice to act on that attraction! 

Yes your very right. I have zero certainty he's being truthful. I only go by how his stories on how he's not attracted too her and they haven't been intimate for years. I suppose I carry a small part of me being naive. Trust me I've gone around the table with this for months. 

[SDlady68]

3 minutes ago, Amethyst68 said:

Why do you believe he's miserable in his marriage?  This is someone who is currently lying to and deceiving his wife, why do you think he's telling the truth with you? 

Also you may not choose to be attracted to someone but it's a definite choice to act on that attraction! 

 

1 minute ago, glows said:

Many are afraid of change. Keep in mind that divorce is still heavily stigmatized in many countries among many groups. Most cheaters are avoidant and avoid reality. The truth is easier to evade than face and it’s inherently a coping mechanism to cheat. It’s built into cheaters to avoid reality as much as possible. His reality is that his marriage is defunct according to him but they may be lies and his spouse may be very much a loving and dedicated spouse. You’re dealing with someone who has a strong probability of being seriously out of touch with reality. 

Your story and what he tells you about his unhappy marriage is a dime a dozen and extremely common. A woe is me type of story with no resolution or desire to find one. You are just one person out of anyone available he can find who will put up with his story, complaints and limited ability to be in a relationship. 

The real question is (if you’re single): If you are single why are you limiting yourself to someone so incredibly limited and unavailable? 

Yes I am single and was fully aware of his situation even though he keeps telling me he's trying to get out of it. I want to believe it's true but in the end it's my own fault for allowing any of this. I've not told anyone my situation as I know I'll be judged. Just had to voice my thoughts somewhere. 

[glows]

1 minute ago, SDlady68 said:

 

Yes I am single and was fully aware of his situation even though he keeps telling me he's trying to get out of it. I want to believe it's true but in the end it's my own fault for allowing any of this. I've not told anyone my situation as I know I'll be judged. Just had to voice my thoughts somewhere. 

Remember that it’s your life you’re spending. Weeks and months turn into years. Think about why you’ve settled for this or the excuses you make for him while you stall living a fuller life or finding more fulfillment with someone available. Do you deal with any issues currently at home? How’s your health, work, other areas? 

 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, SDlady68 said:

We met randomly when overseas.  And live in different states that are at least 6 hours apart from one another. 

How often have you seen each other in person? It's doubtful a distance situation with a married man will go anywhere.

That's ok. You're not exclusive so you can date local single men and distance yourself from this fling.

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, SDlady68 said:

I mean i get why hed stayed all this time, because why leave if you have nothing to go too. 

Have you considered the idea that you make it easier for him to stay? Let’s say that what he says is actually true - that his marriage is not good. You have no way to know if that’s true or not, in many cases it’s not true - it’s just what married men say to women to get them into the affair because most women would not agree to have sex with a man who is happily married. So, let’s say his marriage is bad - you make it easier for him to stay by offering what he doesn’t have at home - perhaps that’s sex, or affection, or validation… He doesn’t have to upset his living situation AND he gets sex with his affair partner. That suits him just fine. 

1 hour ago, SDlady68 said:

Sure you cant control whom your in love with or meet.

No, but you certainly control whether you chose to be in a relationship with the man or whether you say - this is not healthy for me, I want to make a different decision for my life. 

Edited July 1, 2022 by BaileyB

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, SDlady68 said:

he keeps telling me he's trying to get out of it.

I doesn't take three years to tell your spouse that you want to end your marriage. 

He isn't "trying" if he hasn't told her it's over. He can tell her that anytime, and make himself single. Yes, even with elderly parents who live with him. He doesn't need to be married to continue housing them. He might not be able to move away, but he certainly can get divorced.  He's just feeding you some distractors so you'll stay hooked for whenever he wants some attention from you. 

But i have to wonder - how often do you see each other? You said you can't really go to his town for fear of being seen with him, so I am imagining you haven't been there to visit him. Has he ever been to visit you? 

[Allupinnit]

You know what though, who cares if people were to see him out and about with you after his divorce?  People divorce and move on every day.

He doesn't want to be seen with you because he doesn't want it getting back to his wife, because he's not leaving her.  

[mark clemson]

It sounds like your relationship with him may have run its course, since it appears he won't leave.

5% is a best guess figure. No one knows for sure. It may be closer to 2% or 20% as no one has statistics.

I haven't measured the posts around here, but they seem to indicate a low % (based on my impression of 3+ years participation on this board). However, people whose married AP left may not be unhappy enough to bother posting seeking advice on the internet. And, generally, not everyone who's left for an affair partner may be interested in disclosing that fact.

So, the figure could be substantially lower or higher than the 5%.

[Allupinnit]

4 hours ago, SDlady68 said:

Yes your very right. I have zero certainty he's being truthful. I only go by how his stories on how he's not attracted too her and they haven't been intimate for years. I suppose I carry a small part of me being naive. Trust me I've gone around the table with this for months. 

Be very careful with this lie and justification on your part.  Look up @Myabee's thread.  She was told the same thing, that he was there only for the money.  He still never left.

[Maylady]

I think it's less than 5% who leave.  Also one can control who they love imo.  Outside of one's children, you can control who you share your feelings with.  

Everyone would be better off if instead of saying , " oh well, we can't control who we fall in love with".....to....." I must control who I fall in love with "

Edited July 1, 2022 by Maylady

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, SDlady68 said:

he keeps telling me he's trying to get out of it. I've not told anyone my situation as I know I'll be judged.

 Don't worry about percentages. Worry about your own happiness and what you invest in. Don't let this situation isolate you from friends and family.

Step way back from this. He's just dumping on and complaining to you. Unless he's paying you, don't be a therapist.

Instead, invest your time and energy in someone local you can date, hug, kiss and build a real relationship with. Invest in yourself and your happiness, not his (real or made up) problems.

[Lotsgoingon]

Sure you cant control whom your in love with or meet.

This is completely wrong. People back away from infatuation all the time ... all the time ... We are not helpless. 

[flitzanu]

6 hours ago, SDlady68 said:

Hello this is my first time posting on here.  Ive been in having an affair with a MM for over 3 years now, and I read somewhere some time back that 5% of MM leave their wives. 

5% of them leave their wives?  who knows.

i can tell you that 100% of them are cheating on their wives and lying to them.

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Maylady said:

I think it's less than 5% who leave. 

And surely those who leave don’t drag it out for years before doing so… People who are motivated to improve their lives usually do so. They don’t offer up excuses as to why they would really like to change, but can’t. 

Edited July 1, 2022 by BaileyB

[central]

8 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

And surely those who leave don’t drag it out for years before doing so… People who are motivated to improve their lives usually do so. They don’t offer up excuses as to why they would really like to change, but can’t. 

I disagree.  Many people stay in unhappy long term marriages. and most don't have someone to leave FOR, as this guy does.  Even with no cheating, I stayed in an unhappy marriage for 20+ years, until I couldn't take it any longer and ended it.  IF I'd had someone who was loving and kind to me and enjoyed sex, I'd probably have left a lot sooner, even with kids in the picture.

[Maylady]

1 hour ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Sure you cant control whom your in love with or meet.

This is completely wrong. People back away from infatuation all the time ... all the time ... We are not helpless. 

Totally agree.  Like I said...we'd be better off just taking ownership.   We can control our own selves.   And control our own decisions. We can control ourselves  ... we don't fool around with married people period.   That is in our control 

[AngryGromit]

7 hours ago, SDlady68 said:

I've been in having an affair with a MM for over 3 years now, and I read somewhere some time back that 5% of MM leave their wives. 

Often it's the safer option for him, he gets to fool around on the side but still have the security of still having a Wife. if things go south with you, he always has his Wife to fall back on (assuming she doesn't find out what's going on). Pretty typical of cheaters and why they don't leave, even when there no complications like children, or financial considerations. It's the old why buy the cow when your getting the milk for free saying. You being so far away is also convenient for him, gives him the freedom to have a couple other long distance or local relationships on the side.     

[SDlady68]

Thank you all for your insight and thoughts on this situation.

A little more information on my side.  Im an older woman mid 50s and I have a successful career. So I am not leaning on my MM to fund me or keep me around.  He is a hard working man in a secure job where he lives.  So money isnt the issue.  I have grown kids away from home for a few years now, and Im very independent woman.  So none of this is happening knowing I have to seek out a man in any status for his paycheck.  I learned that from my parents growing up.  

We have seen and spent time together at least once a month in the last three years.  There were months he was coming to see me, and me driving up to spend a day or two up there near him.  Granted he was taking off from work to make it look like he was going into work.  We had and have a system to hide alot of things.  We dont even text to our phones, we use other apps that he hides on his phone so that if she picks it up she would not be able to see the app or he even doesnt get notifcations as hes turned them off. 

A little back history his wife cheated on him ten years ago with his then BFF.  Yes i dont not know why he didnt leave her then, as he said that act broke their marriage.  But for some reason he stayed.  Which i questioned but once again was told he just didnt have the motivation or reason to leave. Ok, no reasons?  youd think that her doing that would be reason enough. But hey I have to say there is a large part of me now that believes alot of what hes said, and a part of me that still doesnt think hes being honest about things. 

He has told me many times that he feels bad that he cant give me everything i deserve in this relationship.  I mean at least hes glaringly aware that he is short sticking me with this.  So, I do take alot of responsiblity staying in this.  Why, do i stay in it?  I just love him that much.  not that i hope we will have a future, as I have lowered my expectations at this point if hell ever leave. 

I have been married three times myself and and spent a good 17 yrs single before diving into my last marriage.  So i dated alot and the dating world has been rough and its one i just do not plan to enter again.  Id be more happy having friends hanging out and doing my thing.  Would i love to have a life with him? Absolutely.  Do i see it happening?  I honestly do not know.  He married this woman over 21 yrs ago with kids in tow.  Those kids are grown but come with many issues.  Her oldest daughter has 5 kids from different men, and now those kids are now living at his home unsure if theyll be raising them.  This has made him super stressed.  So the home life between his wife and his parents not getting along, to her mantic attitude, depression, physcial health plus that they fight all the time. 

We text and talk all the time.  There isnt a day we dont go without texting or him calling me.  Do i not like the fact i have to wait to hear from him? yes.. do i not like that i cant openly call him at any time?  yes.  But i have learned i have to move on with my life.  I do not sit around anymore wondering what hes doing, or when ill hear from him etc.  I took a new job in a city a little closer to him, and have enjoyed the new place and see myself there for a long time.  So i have alot to keep me busying.  But do i get frustrated?  Yes.  There are things i question myself, but feel hes expressing his feelings for me ten fold.  He has told me, that she fights with him for not touching her, and that hes not in love with her anymore.  He loves her, as in caring but isnt in love with her.  That hes completely in love with me.  So alot of these things are mixes coming from this situation.  I know this is alot to absorb but this is my current situation.  I know it isnt ideal and its wrong on many levels.  I even told him i dont want to be busting his marriage.  As which he says it was already broken.  

Also, id like to add this, I have told him to seek legal advice on what his rights are as hes afraid shell come after all hes got and him and his parents will be out on the street.  I told him shes not entitled to take everything.  But he still wont seek it he leans on other friends past divorces. 

Also, she watches him and questions him on every move.  Why are you on your phone? where you going?  no trips to see friends etc.. he says he feels like a prisoner when it comes to her. 

But hes wanting to find an none harsh way to end this, even though ive told him someone will be mad and bitter.  So his reasons are all about his parents and their well being and where theyll stay as money will be tough for him if the just leaves.  Hes not asking me for money to help at all, he wants to do this on his own not lean on someone.  So both incomes from her and him is whats making it work now.  So yeah i dont know why he leans on friends to guide him on what shell take if he filed. 

So yeah there are parts of this being so unhappy with her is being delayed so much because he wants a plan to get her out of the house by setting her up with her own way to make her own money even though shes worked at the same place for 5 plus years.  They used to own restaurants just to let you know.  Hes currently buliding a food truck for her to run as her own business and move to AZ with one of her kids to stay.  So he thinks doing this and getting her out of the house with her own business will make breaking free easier.  He even said if his parents didnt live with him, hed end it now.    Oh and i did ask him the other day , what would you do if she found out about us?  he quickly said it would be over faster.. but he still believes shed take everything.  Hes not worrid abou this 401k as there isnt much in it he says.  So his quick answer makes me thinks he doesnt want to lose me.  

I feel like he gives a s*** about me..that i do believe.  But i believe he feels like hes getting the best of both worlds  yes i do.  But he cares about what i think and feel.  So sorry this was so long.  But ill follow up with more later.

 

 

Edited July 2, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[ExpatInItaly]

18 minutes ago, SDlady68 said:

she watches him and questions him on every move.  Why are you on your phone? where you going?  no trips to see friends etc

Gee, I can't imagine why...

21 minutes ago, SDlady68 said:

So yeah i dont know why he leans on friends to guide him on what shell take if he filed. 

You have no clue if he's actually doing this, or just coming up with excuses to feed you so you stop trying to convince him to leave. 

He's a very deceptive person. He's comfortable being sneaky and lies to his wife everyday. You would be foolish to think he doesn't lie to you, too. He'll carry on having his cake and eating it too, as long as you continue to let him. Just please don't expect a future with him. It's more than likely never going to happen. He's giving you too many excuses to stay right where he is, which indicates he's not going anywhere. Your and his time together has an expiration date. It just depends on how long you want to drag out the inevitable.