Jonny80 Posted June 30, 2022 Posted June 30, 2022 Hello again everyone, some of you may remember my relationship issues due to past posts etc., I think it’s coming up for 8 months now that my ex discarded me, unfortunately despite going several weeks feeling content I can have little things trigger memories or feelings from deep inside me.. I still have bad dreams about my ex, the abuse, and anger towards me.. I had a 6 week councillor course which probably made me worse. It was pointless. They didn’t allow me to talk about any of the abuse that took place or how it made me feel at the time and the effect it was currently having.. Iv never been in an abusive relationship or had massive argument with someone even tho for what ever reason Iv had relationships fail.. my experience with my ex was different.. can people relate or understand when I say at times she was the nicest and most charismatic person Iv ever met but she could also be the most volatile aggressive and destructive person Iv ever met.. when we got engaged and soon after she insisted I joined her and her so called make friend at the pub for a quick drink and the whole Anal sex conversation took place which offended me to say the least. I remember my ex saying she didn’t even fancy him and that she loved me more than any man ever.. Unfortunately at times I travel past her house at times for work. Some days I drive miles out of my way just to avoid it but one day I drove past and didn’t even think of it. And ended up seeing the car of this guy on her drive, I knew it was the guy that she was talking to about the anal sex that time.. curiosity got the better of me and I checked his Facebook and sure enough it was plastered on his wall. He was in a relationship with my ex… the fact she’s with him, this guy that she claimed she didn’t fancy and the whole sex talk thing was nothing and how I should accept it as being normal etc, I don’t think it’s a coincidence by chance they ended up.. I have to admit it did get me down.. not really sure how she went from apparently loving me more than anyone to now being with someone she claimed she didn’t fancy.. I always suspected those 2 were getting rather close when we were still together.. despite me going on dates with other women and doing things I enjoy I still have dreams about my ex which can leave me feeling down for a thew days and reflecting on the past.. I got put on a 90 day waiting list to speak with someone that deals with domestic abuse cases so still waiting for the expert help I could do with.. how do we control or not control our dreams. This woman ground me down and broke me leaving me feeling withdrawn and broken doubting my self affection my own self esteem.. I know deep down I loved that woman and gave her everything she demanded and it still wasn’t enough. She had no reason to be angry or disrespectful towards me… what hand full of professionals I have spoken to all claim she sounds Narcissistic and that they here from people everyday feeling the same as I do that have experienced the same abuse.. all though it’s comforting to know it’s not just me feeling this way and they claim it’s a normal response I’m getting fed up feeling this way, it’s like having a rain cloud hanging over me on a sunny day. for what ever reason I can’t connect with any other women which just further remind me how great it was when I met my ex. Hi think it was people in this forum that eluded me to things such as loveboming, gaslighting and grooming etc… iv made so many enquiries to get help and made new friends but here I am 8 months on still suffering. when I was still in contact with my ex she went threw a phase of changing her fb picture looking all clam very often. Once I found out she was with a new guy I blocked her and done everything I could to avoid her social media etc.. i still think she was goading me with all those picture uploads.. I mean this was 2 months ago that I blocked her and didn’t look at her fb but when I realised she was with this guy I used my gaming profile I set up to take a look as curiosity got the better of me.. since that last picture upload and her telling me she was with someone and me blocking her she hasn’t uploading any new pictures, despite him broadcasting he was in a relationship with my ex, she hasn’t commented on his status or announced she’s in a relationship with him unless she’s made it private. Iv now since blocked both of them on my gaming profile but I guess it doesn’t stop curiosity happening again.
ExpatInItaly Posted June 30, 2022 Posted June 30, 2022 2 hours ago, Jonny80 said: my experience with my ex was different.. can people relate or understand when I say at times she was the nicest and most charismatic person Iv ever met but she could also be the most volatile aggressive and destructive person Iv ever met. This is actually incredibly typical of abusers. She's the same as most other abusive people: wonderful in some moments, and completely horrible in others. She isn't different. 2 hours ago, Jonny80 said: for what ever reason I can’t connect with any other women And this is perfectly normal, because you haven't healed yet. And that's okay. Now isn't the time to try to connect with other women. You're not in right head space to have room for them right now. 2 hours ago, Jonny80 said: I got put on a 90 day waiting list to speak with someone that deals with domestic abuse cases so still waiting for the expert help This is good, even if there's a wait. In the meantime, do not check your ex's or her boyfriend's social media. When you get curious, divert you attention to just abotu anything else. You set yourself back every time you pick at the scab. And keep coming here and writing it out. It helps to put our thoughts down, and untangle the emotions we're feeling. 3
Author Jonny80 Posted June 30, 2022 Author Posted June 30, 2022 1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said: This is actually incredibly typical of abusers Yes I have been told this by professionals that I have spoken to, and all though I’m not trying to diagnose my ex I’m certainly aware that she definitely has a lot of not so great traits…. I still remember the day she told me she accidentally slept with a married man from going on a dog walk and my reaction was of shock. And she hit me with such force it felt like I broke my neck and I was in so much pain. She actually had ago at me and told me I didn’t even know what pain was. There was never no apology just abuse.. didn’t even know why she had to tell me… iv got a session tomorrow with a life coach so not really sure what that will entail but hope it’s helpful.
Wiseman2 Posted June 30, 2022 Posted June 30, 2022 4 hours ago, Jonny80 said: she insisted I joined her and her so called make friend at the pub for a quick drink and the whole Anal sex conversation took place which offended me to say the least. How long ago did you break up? Were there other conflicts besides her odd behavior in bars? Did you live together? Was it long distance? At some point it may be a good idea to see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Get some tests done.. Discuss the sustained sadness. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist to fast-track an appointment. Rather than reading up on whatever her problem is, focus on your own wellbeing and future.
Author Jonny80 Posted June 30, 2022 Author Posted June 30, 2022 28 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: How long ago did you break up? Were there other conflicts besides her odd behavior in bars? Did you live together? Was it long distance? At some point it may be a good idea to see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Get some tests done.. Discuss the sustained sadness. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist to fast-track an appointment. Rather than reading up on whatever her problem is, focus on your own wellbeing and future. Iv done all that, my doctor gave me phone numbers of places that deal with this percific abuse. There’s so many people needing help hence the waiting lists. My doctor understood how and why I feel as I do and praised me for my awareness of the situation. People on this very site helped me realise my ex’s behaviour was abusive and unfair.. I can have sympathy for my ex’s issues but it doesn’t help how over the 14 months she sucked the life out of me to breaking point and then just said who’s next.. honestly to sum up quickly what I had to deal with, basically all the abuse you get from a narcissistic person. don’t get me wrong Iv had plenty of good days but once in a while I wake up feeling low.
glows Posted June 30, 2022 Posted June 30, 2022 Keep her out of your life and practice more restraint. Don’t drive by or check on her or her partner’s profiles or pages. As painful as any break up is, you’ll have to want more for yourself than what happened in a previous relationship. And regardless of what happened, as angry and resentful of the past as you may be yourself eventually let it go. Clinging hard to the idea that you’re helpless keeps perpetuating the same feelings of intense fear. Just let go. Be proactive and assertive with your boundaries in future and avoid troublemakers like this woman. You may also gain more confidence the more you spend time around others who validate and value you. Be picky with your company and put this behind you for good.
Author Jonny80 Posted June 30, 2022 Author Posted June 30, 2022 1 hour ago, glows said: Be picky with your company and put this behind you for good 1 hour ago, glows said: Be proactive and assertive with your boundaries Iv already started acting like this. And it started with work as I wasn’t happy with things… my biggest problem are dreams that I have which involve my ex, We can’t control what we dream about…. I sensed from an early stage somthing wasn’t right with my ex’s behaviour it got gaslighted and lovebomed so it was o my my reality of what I believed to be right was actually wrong even tho I knew I wasn’t right if that makes sense.. I’ll be surprised if anyone else gets away with treating me with disrespect as like you say I’ll just cut them loose soon as..
glows Posted June 30, 2022 Posted June 30, 2022 4 hours ago, Jonny80 said: my biggest problem are dreams that I have which involve my ex, We can’t control what we dream about…. I sensed from an early stage somthing wasn’t right with my ex’s behaviour it got gaslighted and lovebomed so it was o my my reality of what I believed to be right was actually wrong even tho I knew I wasn’t right if that makes sense.. I’ll be surprised if anyone else gets away with treating me with disrespect as like you say I’ll just cut them loose soon as.. Now you know how important it is to trust your instincts and be very clear with yourself what's acceptable to you and what is not acceptable in terms of a romantic partnership. It's one thing to be caught up in feelings and being swept away but keep your feet firmly rooted to the ground. It doesn't matter what another person says or what they offer to do for you. If you do not agree with it or disagree with their approach, you are free to disagree and discuss or agree to disagree and walk away. Not everyone will be graceful and will always want the last word. Just walk away and do not participate. If you meet someone like her again who is demanding (something you mentioned in your first post) and other negative traits like intense narcissism or selfishness, being self-absorbed, you will know to avoid and walk away. These streaks of behaviour and traits cannot be changed so don't try. Being gaslighted and lovebombed are red flags. Stay away from caffeine, alcohol and eating too late at night. Eat smaller meals at regular times of the day or throughout the day and cut off your consumption of anything by a certain time. Create a peaceful space at home and start nurturing yourself from the inside out. Eat well. Don't eat food that lacks nutrition and drink lots of water. Dreams are not a magical thing. They're your brain in an overactive state so try calming yourself in other ways starting with your waking moments and take care of your physical health too.
Author Jonny80 Posted July 8, 2022 Author Posted July 8, 2022 On 6/30/2022 at 8:53 PM, glows said: Now you know how important it is to trust your instincts and be very clear with yourself what's acceptable to you and what is not acceptable in terms of a romantic partnership. It's one thing to be caught up in feelings and being swept away but keep your feet firmly rooted to the ground. It doesn't matter what another person says or what they offer to do for you. If you do not agree with it or disagree with their approach, you are free to disagree and discuss or agree to disagree and walk away. Not everyone will be graceful and will always want the last word. Just walk away and do not participate. If you meet someone like her again who is demanding (something you mentioned in your first post) and other negative traits like intense narcissism or selfishness, being self-absorbed, you will know to avoid and walk away. These streaks of behaviour and traits cannot be changed so don't try. Being gaslighted and lovebombed are red flags. Stay away from caffeine, alcohol and eating too late at night. Eat smaller meals at regular times of the day or throughout the day and cut off your consumption of anything by a certain time. Create a peaceful space at home and start nurturing yourself from the inside out. Eat well. Don't eat food that lacks nutrition and drink lots of water. Dreams are not a magical thing. They're your brain in an overactive state so try calming yourself in other ways starting with your waking moments and take care of your physical health too. Thank you, I certainly learnt some valuable lessons.. 1
vla1120 Posted July 8, 2022 Posted July 8, 2022 3 minutes ago, Jonny80 said: Thank you, I certainly learnt some valuable lessons.. I was with my professionally diagnosed NPD husband for 6 years. He passed away two years ago and I just now feel like I am almost (almost) healed. Give yourself time. Don't torture yourself with curiosity about what she's doing or who she's with. You dodged a bullet. My therapist told me I had some mild PTSD from those 6 years. He also did some hypnotherapy exercises with me that helped me forgive my husband so that I could let go of the anger and hurt, which helped a bit. I'll never forget what he did to me, but I am able to forgive and now have the knowledge to recognize and pay attention to the red flags I ignored with him. In extreme cases (like the emotional abuse he imposed on me), I'm not a very forgiving person, but I have learned that holding on to the anger and resentment was only hurting me and I needed to let it go.
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