What is he really going for?

[partycity]

So I got out of a relationship this year January 2022. It was toxic, drowning me. Finally I escaped. In march 2022, my heart felt heavy. I reached out to my ex thinking he changed. We slept together. Little did I know he was being a piece of s*** still. Cheating again, dating someone else secretly while dealing with me.  I found out. And ghosted him. I just wanted to hurt him as much as he hurt me in the most ruthless way possible.

 

After that encounter, I was left gasping for air. I needed a rebound, as selfish as it was. I had a hard time coping. I was on the hunt for a rebound. I was talking to multiple guys online. There was one who messaged me. I thought he was a good choice, he seemed interested to talk to me but his pictures were OK looking. 
 

So in April 2022, we were talking for a week. He told me he wanted to meet me and  “get to know me” and I was quite flattered. He suggested a day and so far I kept it free and followed through with the date. Haven’t met with a gentleman in so long. I thought, “why not?”. My dating skills were kind of dusty. I haven’t formally dated someone in so long. 
 

The day came when we were about to meet. Apparently he arrived at the lake side, I did too. He didn’t see me but I saw him and I was floored? My heart dropped. This was actually extremely attractive . He looked like a rap model. I started getting nervous and even contemplated going home. But I slowly got out of my car and walked toward him. My heart was beating so fast I couldn’t say much. He was freaking so handsome . We went for a long walk around the lake. He told me, “you seem shy”. Well … I was. 
 

He asked me so many questions about me. Apparently he’s a automotive tech. I’m a paralegal. But he has a bunch of side businesses going on. I felt the chemistry . I didn’t want to leave. I wanted to be with him all evening. We went for a coffee after  and relaxed and I never wanted to be around someone so long. He asked to kiss me and I said yes. He put his hand on my leg. I actually thought he wanted to hook up but he stopped and kissed my cheek. I never had anyone handle me so gently before. Gently yet so dominant ? I’ve always been with men who are so immature but this one was dominant and just so mature. 
 

After the date, he went to chill with his friends. He kept on sending me videos of what he was doing. He also called me but I didn’t pick up , I was too shook at what happened. 
 

Fast forward to now, we’ve had 7 dates. It’s been 3 months. There’s a lot of chemistry. Talking. Feeling comfortable with each other. Light hearted teasing. It’s like we are best friends too already.  We talk about anything. Sometimes he can tell when I miss him even without me saying it just by me hitting him up first and he will ask to see me. We make out almost in each one but no s*x. He told me he’s extremely attracted to me. That he finds me so alluring. He tends to stop himself and fix my clothes or hair  and gives me a tender kiss on my cheek. I feel myself falling no matter how hard I try to resist. After the 6th one he asked me what’s my ideal date and I told him “a relaxing day at the beach with drinks” so we did just that on the 7th one. Lately he started being more affectionate. Calling me sweet names . Pet names. Calling me when he’s out with friends. Checking in on me. 
 

i don’t know what he wants. Does he just want to bang or does he actually like me? I really want to have s*x But idk what he’s waiting for or if he’s waiting for me to admit my feelings. I haven’t because I thought it would have been so obvious. He admitted on the 6th date he likes me. On the 7th he was just so affectionate. Holding hands . Kissing. Yes I can just ask him but id rather get everyone’s opinions. Please help and no judging me! Appreciate it.

Edited June 29, 2022 by partycity

[basil67]

Seven dates in 10-12 weeks isn't very many.  Is there a reason it's going so slowly?   Do you ever initiate hanging out?  

 

[Weezy1973]

43 minutes ago, partycity said:
 

i don’t know what he wants. Does he just want to bang or does he actually like me? I really want to have s*x But idk what he’s waiting for or if he’s waiting for me to admit my feelings.

If he’s still asking you out on dates, and you haven’t had sex yet, I’d guess he likes you. And yes, if you like him you can tell him. It’s been enough time to get exclusive.

[ExpatInItaly]

52 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Seven dates in 10-12 weeks isn't very many.  Is there a reason it's going so slowly?   Do you ever initiate hanging out?  

That stood out to me, too. Same questions here, OP. 

[glows]

1 hour ago, partycity said:

So I got out of a relationship this year January 2022. It was toxic, drowning me. Finally I escaped. In march 2022, my heart felt heavy. I reached out to my ex thinking he changed. We slept together. Little did I know he was being a piece of s*** still. Cheating again, dating someone else secretly while dealing with me.  I found out. And ghosted him. I just wanted to hurt him as much as he hurt me in the most ruthless way possible.

 

After that encounter, I was left gasping for air. I needed a rebound, as selfish as it was. I had a hard time coping. I was on the hunt for a rebound. I was talking to multiple guys online. There was one who messaged me. I thought he was a good choice, he seemed interested to talk to me but his pictures were OK looking. 
 

So in April 2022, we were talking for a week. He told me he wanted to meet me and  “get to know me” and I was quite flattered. He suggested a day and so far I kept it free and followed through with the date. Haven’t met with a gentleman in so long. I thought, “why not?”. My dating skills were kind of dusty. I haven’t formally dated someone in so long. 
 

The day came when we were about to meet. Apparently he arrived at the lake side, I did too. He didn’t see me but I saw him and I was floored? My heart dropped. This was actually extremely attractive . He looked like a rap model. I started getting nervous and even contemplated going home. But I slowly got out of my car and walked toward him. My heart was beating so fast I couldn’t say much. He was freaking so handsome . We went for a long walk around the lake. He told me, “you seem shy”. Well … I was. 
 

He asked me so many questions about me. Apparently he’s a automotive tech. I’m a paralegal. But he has a bunch of side businesses going on. I felt the chemistry . I didn’t want to leave. I wanted to be with him all evening. We went for a coffee after  and relaxed and I never wanted to be around someone so long. He asked to kiss me and I said yes. He put his hand on my leg. I actually thought he wanted to hook up but he stopped and kissed my cheek. I never had anyone handle me so gently before. Gently yet so dominant ? I’ve always been with men who are so immature but this one was dominant and just so mature. 
 

After the date, he went to chill with his friends. He kept on sending me videos of what he was doing. He also called me but I didn’t pick up , I was too shook at what happened. 
 

Fast forward to now, we’ve had 7 dates. It’s been 3 months. There’s a lot of chemistry. Talking. Feeling comfortable with each other. Light hearted teasing. It’s like we are best friends too already.  We talk about anything. Sometimes he can tell when I miss him even without me saying it just by me hitting him up first and he will ask to see me. We make out almost in each one but no s*x. He told me he’s extremely attracted to me. That he finds me so alluring. He tends to stop himself and fix my clothes or hair  and gives me a tender kiss on my cheek. I feel myself falling no matter how hard I try to resist. After the 6th one he asked me what’s my ideal date and I told him “a relaxing day at the beach with drinks” so we did just that on the 7th one. Lately he started being more affectionate. Calling me sweet names . Pet names. Calling me when he’s out with friends. Checking in on me. 
 

i don’t know what he wants. Does he just want to bang or does he actually like me? I really want to have s*x But idk what he’s waiting for or if he’s waiting for me to admit my feelings. I haven’t because I thought it would have been so obvious. He admitted on the 6th date he likes me. On the 7th he was just so affectionate. Holding hands . Kissing. Yes I can just ask him but id rather get everyone’s opinions. Please help and no judging me! Appreciate it.

He’s waiting for you to make a move so he knows it’s ok to have sex. Why do you doubt yourself? Of course he likes you. And if he likes you (as most humans do) he’ll want to be more intimate with you. 

Keep in mind this was supposed to be a rebound. He could still be a rebound and if you told him about your break up and meet up with your ex recently earlier this year he may be leery or cautious. He’s protecting himself too. Have fun within your own limits. You seem to like him so take a chance already.

[partycity]

3 hours ago, basil67 said:

Seven dates in 10-12 weeks isn't very many.  Is there a reason it's going so slowly?   Do you ever initiate hanging out?  

 

Hello, thanks for responding. Good question. Yes , in the beginning he had 2 jobs and could only see me once a week . I also work 2 jobs. His second job  ended earlier this month. We’re both busy people.

[partycity]

2 hours ago, glows said:

He’s waiting for you to make a move so he knows it’s ok to have sex. Why do you doubt yourself? Of course he likes you. And if he likes you (as most humans do) he’ll want to be more intimate with you. 

Keep in mind this was supposed to be a rebound. He could still be a rebound and if you told him about your break up and meet up with your ex recently earlier this year he may be leery or cautious. He’s protecting himself too. Have fun within your own limits. You seem to like him so take a chance already.

We mostly make out in the car. I’m waiting for him to announce that we’re exclusive I guess . I wanted to get intimate in a better place like an air b & b or hotel .

But I don’t want to suggest that if we’re not together officially. It might look odd. 
 

Should I wait for another date or bring up the idea?

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, partycity said:

We’ve had 7 dates. It’s been 3 months. 

7 dates in 12 weeks is not a lot. Are you both still talking to and meeting others? 

Are either of you in a relationship or living with someone? Why go to a BnB for sex?

It's odd neither of you have invited the other over for dinner.

He seems marginally interested, but keep your options open.

[partycity]

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

7 dates in 12 weeks is not a lot. Are you both still talking to and meeting others? 

Are either of you in a relationship or living with someone? Why go to a BnB for sex?

It's odd neither of you have invited the other over for dinner.

He seems marginally interested, but keep your options open.

No we’re not talking to anyone else and if I see a text and ask, he will say who it is. I’m sure he’s not.

We both have 2 jobs. In the beginning he had 2 , now he has one and has more time. 

We both live with our parents. Him, with his dad.

Edited June 29, 2022 by partycity

[introverted1]

2 hours ago, partycity said:

We mostly make out in the car. I’m waiting for him to announce that we’re exclusive I guess . I wanted to get intimate in a better place like an air b & b or hotel .

Do you both live at home?  Or is there another reason why you'd have to go to a hotel?

[stillafool]

6 hours ago, partycity said:

Does he just want to bang or does he actually like me?

I will ask you the same question as it seems sex is on your mind, but he is taking it slow.  Is there a reason you want to rush to sex?

[partycity]

12 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I will ask you the same question as it seems sex is on your mind, but he is taking it slow.  Is there a reason you want to rush to sex?

I’m just rushing to claim him lol .

 

 

[partycity]

12 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I will ask you the same question as it seems sex is on your mind, but he is taking it slow.  Is there a reason you want to rush to sex?

 

16 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

Do you both live at home?  Or is there another reason why you'd have to go to a hotel?

Yeah we live at home l. At least hotel we have some privacy. I want a good first time with him 

[glows]

3 hours ago, partycity said:

We mostly make out in the car. I’m waiting for him to announce that we’re exclusive I guess . I wanted to get intimate in a better place like an air b & b or hotel .

But I don’t want to suggest that if we’re not together officially. It might look odd. 
 

Should I wait for another date or bring up the idea?

You can make the suggestion yourself or wait for him to do it. Again, this person was meant as a rebound. Are you actually interested in dating him exclusively? He looks good and is attractive to you but what else is there? Do you share the same goals, interests? 

Is there some conflict for you in terms of casual sex? I’m referring to your comment about it looking odd to you if you suggested sex. Ie want to engage in it but afraid of doing so? Why do you need to exclusively date someone you consider a rebound? 

If he’s someone you are interested in seeing long term, mention you aren’t going to be intimate (sex) unless you’re in an exclusive relationship. Let him do the math and make the appropriate arrangements or pull his weight if he cares about you. 

[introverted1]

48 minutes ago, partycity said:

Yeah we live at home

How old are you? Are you still in school?

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, partycity said:

I’m just rushing to claim him lol .

 

 

Sex isn't going to make him yours. 

[partycity]

33 minutes ago, glows said:

You can make the suggestion yourself or wait for him to do it. Again, this person was meant as a rebound. Are you actually interested in dating him exclusively? He looks good and is attractive to you but what else is there? Do you share the same goals, interests? 

Is there some conflict for you in terms of casual sex? I’m referring to your comment about it looking odd to you if you suggested sex. Ie want to engage in it but afraid of doing so? Why do you need to exclusively date someone you consider a rebound? 

If he’s someone you are interested in seeing long term, mention you aren’t going to be intimate (sex) unless you’re in an exclusive relationship. Let him do the math and make the appropriate arrangements or pull his weight if he cares about you. 

I don’t want him as a rebound anymore . I don’t see him like that at all. I really genuinely like him.

 

i guess I’m rushing things. Being around him feels good that’s why I want sex but you’re right I should hold off and let him do the math. I haven’t dated someone so formally before in so long . So it’s good you guys are here to guide me.

 

We do make out and kiss a lot and grope each other but it always stops there. 

[partycity]

33 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

How old are you? Are you still in school?

I’m 29 he’s 28. 

[glows]

12 minutes ago, partycity said:

I don’t want him as a rebound anymore . I don’t see him like that at all. I really genuinely like him.

 

i guess I’m rushing things. Being around him feels good that’s why I want sex but you’re right I should hold off and let him do the math. I haven’t dated someone so formally before in so long . So it’s good you guys are here to guide me.

 

We do make out and kiss a lot and grope each other but it always stops there. 

He seems to intuitively know when to stop and remain as respectful as he can be. Since you both work two jobs and live at home with your parents meetings are difficult and I’m assuming paying for a room is an added cost that he will have to be prepared to pay for. There’s some investment there if he wants to get to know you. 

Yes, you’re rushing it quite a bit if you’d like to date him exclusively, long term. 

You can mention you’re looking for something more serious and suggest to do something else when things lean towards these make out sessions. It seems you are frustrated sexually and this isn’t as enjoyable anymore. Know when to just stop or limit something if it’s overdone and repetitive. Try new date ideas and explore other events in the city.

Edited June 29, 2022 by glows

[Wiseman2]

12 minutes ago, partycity said:

i guess I’m rushing things. Being around him feels good that’s why I want sex but you’re right I should hold off and let him do the math.

Yes, let him suggest going away for a weekend or overnight. He may not want sex in a car/public place.

[smackie9]

Having or withholding sex doesn't guarantee you anything. If you want sex just go ahead and have it. 

[Happy Lemming]

3 hours ago, partycity said:

I’m just rushing to claim him lol .

 

 

There is some logic to your statement about "claiming him".  He isn't going to go out and look for bologna, if he has access to Filet Mignon.

Personally, I do have a 6-8 week rule for dating.  If I've tried for sex and have been shot down, repeatedly... I'll throw in the towel at the 6-8 week mark and move on.

[introverted1]

2 hours ago, partycity said:

I’m 29 he’s 28. 

What is the reason you both live at home?  Is it a cultural thing?  If so, how would you explain a weekend away at a hotel?  If not, why haven't you moved out?

I can see where not having a place for sex would certainly put a damper on things.

[partycity]

2 hours ago, glows said:

He seems to intuitively know when to stop and remain as respectful as he can be. Since you both work two jobs and live at home with your parents meetings are difficult and I’m assuming paying for a room is an added cost that he will have to be prepared to pay for. There’s some investment there if he wants to get to know you. 

Yes, you’re rushing it quite a bit if you’d like to date him exclusively, long term. 

You can mention you’re looking for something more serious and suggest to do something else when things lean towards these make out sessions. It seems you are frustrated sexually and this isn’t as enjoyable anymore. Know when to just stop or limit something if it’s overdone and repetitive. Try new date ideas and explore other events in the city.

You’re so right . I do feel frustrated sexually but if he wants to wait I will too. I love being with him. I feel so calm and relaxed even after a long week of work . 

[partycity]

1 minute ago, introverted1 said:

What is the reason you both live at home?  Is it a cultural thing?  If so, how would you explain a weekend away at a hotel?  If not, why haven't you moved out?

I can see where not having a place for sex would certainly put a damper on things.

Cultural yeah but I usually know how to sneak out for a day or 2 haha