Pretty sure I'm the 'other woman' and I don't know what to do

[Wingfield]

I mean, we hear about these storys all the time, cheating scandals and love affairs. I have suddenly found myself in one, but not quite? It feels very grey. And I really need some advice on what to do

So, a few weeks ago, a man I have been speaking to and spending some time with, and have began to have feelings for; over coffee told me that he had, maybe 2 weeks prior, broken up with his girlfriend, who apparently did not take it very well, or he didn't make it exactly clear. It's a bit hearsay of course, but she was understandably upset. During this conversation he was explaining his perspective to me. That being essentially that she told him she loved him very early on, and he has not felt that, still doesn't and is unsure if he ever will. Feels like he is supposed to stay in it in the hopes that that feeling will grow and he can give her what he thinks she wants. 

Over the course of this, he also dropped that he had developed feeling for me. That day, the chat about him and I didn't really go anywhere. We were talking about his current relationship, which at that point was very blurred as to whether it was on or off. I did end up telling him that I liked him too, on reflection I think that may have been a bad idea, but I did it, and for my self - that was the first time I have shared that with someone. I'm pretty avoidant of serious stuff and often when it gets to a point I kinda bail and don't commit (I'm 24 - haven't been in a relationship, due to my constant moving and running away ahha woo). Anyway, so from my perspective, I felt comfortable being vulnerabke and sharing that. Probably a bad idea, but anyway, we'll move on

He then at the end of that conversation said he just needed to figure out what was going on for him and that we'd chat. So we made pretty pathetic small talk for a few weeks, then he finally text me asking if we could catch up and chat. Due to some work and timing issues it looked like that chat was going to happen in two weeks. Was another strange week of garbage small talk, the kind of thing I don't really respond to, as it felt so ingenuine from myself. So yesterday we finally caught up again. He is still in his relationship. But he is unsure if he wants to be. He is feeling the moral dilemma of - am I breaking up with her because I don't want to be with her, or because I want to pursue someone else. He feels in his own mind that he has already cheated, and that's not the standing he ever wanted to take in this world, he never would have dreamt of ending up in this situation. He feels, on one hand, that he owes his girlfriend effort and work. He claims he hasn't been there with her for quite a while, his description of it has been, that half of his friends have never even heard of her, as he doesn't mention her. He doesn't bring her to spend time with his friends because he feels neither her nor them will have a fun time - the two of them have different interests and humour styles apparently, he finds he puts her as a lower priority in his life, his career, job, friends, family, lifestyle, etc. more often than not come first, which he feels bad about, but it just being the way it seems to be. They also met and got together during covid lockdown, so he is unsure if he was just 'filling a void' or not. I know this us all the negative stuff, these are just the words that I am hearing, I don't have her perspective unfortunately

Now on the other hand, he gets close to telling me that he really cares for me but pulls away mid-way through his sentence, most likely because he feels guilty. He tells me that when he comes home from an event, his first thought is that I would have loved it. He tells me lovely things, half-heartedly (again, likely the guilt). It sounds like he is scared to end things with his current girlfriend because I feel uncertain. I have told him already that my life and career will always come first for me, and I'm not looking for a relationship so that's not what I'm really here for. He also spoke of having a moment in time, and that being enough, blah blah bit gushy and that, it was sweet but it's not actually necessary here. I have told him aswell that his friendship means more to me. And I don't want this moment to mean we can't ever hang out as normal people do. He doesn't want this to be a line in the sand of us hanging out either - but idk until feelings go away, it's a bit taboo isn't o?it?

Anyway, we left the conversation feeling less awkward at least, but he is still unsure of where his mind and heart are at. I don't want to put him in a deciding mode, and I said that. I'm never going to pressure him to make a choice. It's his life and I'll stay out of it, and give him space. So there is a. His life and path which feels clouded and obscure. But b. This is where I really need a hand - the right thing for me to do is back right off and draw that line in the sand right? All I have ever thought if (by some rare chance) this situation occured, I'd back so far off. I don't want to be the reason they break up, and I don't want to open a romance that way either. I feel torn of what to do, as it sounds like, me excluded from the scenario, that he simply does not love the woman he is with, and if he were anyone else in my life, I would tell them that it is far worse to be with someone who you don't love, on them and on you, than the initial break up. Break ups hurt, so much, but in the long path of life, it will always be a blessing because it opens both people up to receiving love from the right person. She deserves to have someone who cares for her deeply too

But I don't want to be cause of hef unhappiness, who's to say that he won't love her? 

So my real question - do I cut him out, draw the line and actively reject the feelings? For the record, I'm not actively pursuing. I guess all I could do, would be to tell him that I'm all the way out, you know? I feel very confused, he tells me he likes me, and I feel the same, but it's not tangible right now, and it feels murky. My head tells him that I should keep out of it, but my heart tells me that it'll all be a field of daisies (ugh)

 

Edited June 28, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Language

[stillafool]

32 minutes ago, Wingfield said:

So my real question - do I cut him out, draw the line and actively reject the feelings?

Absolutely back way off.  You haven't said what you have told him about your feelings for him other than you're not ready for a relationship.  Something that doesn't make sense is him saying he has nothing in common with his gf, doesn't take her around his friends, doesn't spend time with her, she's at the bottom of his priority list, they don't share any interests, they don't have the same sense of humor and he's not married to her.  So what is keeping him from setting her free and being with you.  He would be doing her a favor because I'll bet you anything she doesn't know he feels this way.  What does he plan to do marry this woman who he has nothing in common with and no feelings for?   I think he's full of it.  

[BaileyB]

That’s a lot of text for a man who is in a relationship with another woman.

Don't make the mistake of making excuses for this grown man - if he is unhappy and he wants to end his relationship, he would end it. 

The only thing you can do here is end it and tell him to look you up when/if he is ever single. 

[Myabee]

2 hours ago, Wingfield said:

So my real question - do I cut him out, draw the line and actively reject the feelings?

Yes. Boundaries need to be utilized here. 

[Myabee]

3 hours ago, Wingfield said:

And I don't want this moment to mean we can't ever hang out as normal people do. He doesn't want this to be a line in the sand of us hanging out either - but idk until feelings go away, it's a bit taboo isn't o?it?

This stood out! You spoke in the post about feelings. I can tell you this. Once you've crossed that boundary line of platonic friendship to feelings./ romantic involvement there is no reverse. I learned the hard way as an OW. Move on now.     

[glows]

Yes, stay out of it as much as possible. What I find especially disturbing is he wasn’t over his girlfriend or had hardly severed those ties before he started meeting you or dating other women. While it’s rather common, it’s your cue as well to realize that this man is off limits. Even if he’d had finished things with his gf, you’d have been a rebound or someone filling a void in a recent break up. 

They say emotionally unavailable people seek those also emotionally unavailable in some way. 

I’d take a good look at why you have always run away from relationships or why you avoid them. Your picker is completely off. My advice is to leave him alone and do not offer to be friends. You are in too deep and are no longer a friend in any sense of the word. That would be a boldfaced lie. Move on.

[ExpatInItaly]

8 hours ago, Wingfield said:

do I cut him out, draw the line and actively reject the feelings?

Yes, yes and yes. 

This dude is clearly showing you he's not dating material anyway. He is disrespectful to his relationship, dishonest and untrustworthy. Would you really want to date a man who's capable of going on dates with other women at the same time? And complains about his feelings for you to her?

Delete and block. He's not a good guy. 

[mark clemson]

On 6/28/2022 at 4:08 PM, Wingfield said:

he is still unsure of where his mind and heart are at

That about sums it up right there.

I'm not sure there's any real reason to bash this guy. Is he dating, or actually in an exclusive relationship with this GF?  Plenty of people multi-date. And he may simply genuinely be unsure what he wants right now. I do think if he was super happy with the GF he probably wouldn't be trying to sort out how he feels by discussing with others and/or flirting with you in what may be a move to monkeybranch (or cheat, possibly).

If you're not comfortable being one of a few (potentially) at least temporarily, I think the reasonable thing to do IS to wait and let him sort out his current situation. You can be perfectly nice about this and indicate you think he seems fine, but he should fully sort out what he wants and be fully done with his current GF and IF that happens, you and could give it a go.

He may not want to fully give up the current GF (who may be at least "ok") to "take a chance on you". But if so, you don't have to let him date you if you're not comfortable with that.

Feelings always make everything seem more complicated, but in outline this is simple.

Edited June 30, 2022 by mark clemson

[Ladybug1989]

Whilst he is still in the relationship i would cut it off now. Not fair on his girlfriend that hes meeting another woman and saying all this meanwhile probably giving his efforts to his girlfriend at the same time. 
he needs to figure out where he stands with his girlfriend before anything.

that could be you on the other hand. U have feelings for him now. Imagine u being the girlfriend and knowing he was meeting another woman saying what he is.