Moving in Together

[girafficshark]

For those of you who live with your significant other, how long were you dating before you moved in with your partner? My boyfriend and I spend every night together and have for months now. We go back and forth between each other's places and both have a lot of stuff at the other's house. The other night when we were with his friends, he even said we were going to go back to our place when talking about his own. We have both been looking at buying houses and we show each other the houses we like, but we haven't explicitly talked about living together, it has mostly just been vaguely implied. We talk about our future together all the time and I feel that living together is the next step in our relationship. I am just curious about other people's experiences, how did you bring it up? was there a certain amount of time? how did you know your partner was ready for that conversation and ready to move in?

[Wiseman2]

20 minutes ago, girafficshark said:

My boyfriend and I spend every night together and have for months now. We go back and forth between each other's places and both have a lot of stuff at the other's house. 

The best thing to consider is the legalities, finances and logistics. As well as personalities and habits.

Whose place will it be? Do you mind being a tenant? Do you both work and have approximately equal incomes?  How much space/privacy do each of you need? Who will handle the money/bills? Who will cook, clean, run errands, and do chores?

Moving in together is not a commitment or "next step" it's a convenience. If it doesn't work out who will leave? Who will stay? It's often a hassle when things end because legally you are roommates.

Dating for just 24 weeks is premature for this. What's the rush? 

[basil67]

Yes, you mentioned in your other thread that you've been together for six months.   If you're going to move in together, do so in a manner which gives one of you an easy escape if the relationship ends.   Do not buy a house together.  Do not get a joint lease.   Rather, make sure that one of you can leave easily and has a place to go if this doesn't work.

As for examples, I moved into my partner's home after only four months.  I knew it was a risk so early, so I made sure that I was unencumbered by leases etc.  Fortunately, it all worked out and we're still together 30 years later.   Likewise, our daughter is making noises about moving in with her boyfriend.  I plan to have discussions suggesting she pays rent or buys all the food, but not to complicate things by contributing to his mortgage.  And she has a bed here if things go south.

In your case, if it's still going well in a couple of years and the two of you have the same goals in terms of marriage/life partnership, then you could make something more permanent.

[Ami1uwant]

5 hours ago, girafficshark said:

For those of you who live with your significant other, how long were you dating before you moved in with your partner? My boyfriend and I spend every night together and have for months now. We go back and forth between each other's places and both have a lot of stuff at the other's house. The other night when we were with his friends, he even said we were going to go back to our place when talking about his own. We have both been looking at buying houses and we show each other the houses we like, but we haven't explicitly talked about living together, it has mostly just been vaguely implied. We talk about our future together all the time and I feel that living together is the next step in our relationship. I am just curious about other people's experiences, how did you bring it up? was there a certain amount of time? how did you know your partner was ready for that conversation and ready to move in?

Have you tried living at one place for a full week which give it more of a live together feel

 

is there a difference between your places?

[Happy Lemming]

6 hours ago, girafficshark said:

For those of you who live with your significant other, how long were you dating before you moved in with your partner?

My girlfriend and I dated 9.5 years before we moved in together...

Neither of us wanted to live together, but my girlfriend got priced out of the rental market, here.  Apartment/studio rents went up 20% in one year. My girlfriend couldn't absorb that increase, so she moved into my home.

So far... so good.  Initially, there was some adjustments on both of our parts, but after a few months... life has settled into a routine.

 

[Brian1223]

Not that I  think 6 months is too quick to move in together, but my opinion from personal experience is that it's best to prolong living together for a while longer than 6 months. At 6 months the relationship is still fresh, bask in that. While it's absolutely fantastic to live with your partner, and as much as you see each other everyday now, I think the romance dies quicker when you start living together. 

[glows]

10 hours ago, girafficshark said:

For those of you who live with your significant other, how long were you dating before you moved in with your partner? My boyfriend and I spend every night together and have for months now. We go back and forth between each other's places and both have a lot of stuff at the other's house. The other night when we were with his friends, he even said we were going to go back to our place when talking about his own. We have both been looking at buying houses and we show each other the houses we like, but we haven't explicitly talked about living together, it has mostly just been vaguely implied. We talk about our future together all the time and I feel that living together is the next step in our relationship. I am just curious about other people's experiences, how did you bring it up? was there a certain amount of time? how did you know your partner was ready for that conversation and ready to move in?

Don’t be shy about it and mention what you think. At six months I’d say this is a good time to bring it up. One of you has to be the mature one and acknowledge it especially if it’s on your mind to this extent. It seems very awkward to be talking about buying separate houses and neither of you has ever addressed living together. He clearly wants to be with you if he’s considering his place both of yours, “ours”. 

Do you have similar thoughts about the future or intend to marry one another? Find out whether you’re compatible first before living with someone. It’s a hassle separating should the relationship not work out or if you find out later down the line that you both want different things.

[Atwood]

Moving in together is a big step. Buying a property together is massive. 

We waited 6 years. Partly by choice. Mostly waiting for financial stability/viability. Moving in together changes the dynamic of your relationship. I have no idea what it would have been like to move out with my partner during the honeymoon stages, but I am very grateful we waited. Buying a property, moving all your belongings, getting settled, organising finances and responsibilities etc. is all very anxiety inducing and you find out very quickly how well you work together. 

I imagined moving in together as this big, romantic step. In a lot of ways it is, but it's actually very hard work and very exhausting and terrifying as well. I have thought many times during the whole process "wow, it's a good thing we want to get married and have kids/stay together" because you are essentially combining your whole lives. Your routines smash up against each other, you need to be assertive in carving out independent time (which I find harder in the earlier stages of a relationship) and you soon discover what household chores you and your partner are good (or very bad) at managing. You also discover what each other are like at managing money (not to be underestimated) and any opposing values you have will become apparent as well. 

I don't want to put you off, because it's honestly the best thing we have ever done for our relationship and couldn't be happier - you just have to be realistic as well. If me and my partner had moved in together only after 6 months/1 year - we would have rented due to the freshness of the relationship. We were only happy to buy because we know our relationship is a long-term thing. I know that when you're first together everything is wonderful and exciting and you feel like it's going to last forever, but I personally think it did us a lot of good to wait until we had some conflicts/arguments and addressed any issues we had that were affecting our relationship. We still have issues to work on, but the point is we know how we resolve things/resolve conflict and that our lives are sustainable together long-term. 

The passion, romance, and general spontaneity of a relationship shifts dramatically after moving in together. You're in a routine, see each other all the time, work, do chores, decorate, become tired quickly. I think it's better to enjoy a care-free, lower responsibility relationship at first whilst you grow together emotionally and see where you are. 

 

I don't know if this is useful or not but my official advice would be if you absolutely want to move out soon, rent first. Buying a house with someone you've only been with for a short time is a very big risk. 

[Weezy1973]

My rule of thumb is wait at least a year before moving in together. And I’d only buy a place together if you’ve already planned explicitly to spend the rest of your lives together. 

[girafficshark]

3 hours ago, Atwood said:

Moving in together is a big step. Buying a property together is massive. 

We waited 6 years. Partly by choice. Mostly waiting for financial stability/viability. Moving in together changes the dynamic of your relationship. I have no idea what it would have been like to move out with my partner during the honeymoon stages, but I am very grateful we waited. Buying a property, moving all your belongings, getting settled, organising finances and responsibilities etc. is all very anxiety inducing and you find out very quickly how well you work together. 

I imagined moving in together as this big, romantic step. In a lot of ways it is, but it's actually very hard work and very exhausting and terrifying as well. I have thought many times during the whole process "wow, it's a good thing we want to get married and have kids/stay together" because you are essentially combining your whole lives. Your routines smash up against each other, you need to be assertive in carving out independent time (which I find harder in the earlier stages of a relationship) and you soon discover what household chores you and your partner are good (or very bad) at managing. You also discover what each other are like at managing money (not to be underestimated) and any opposing values you have will become apparent as well. 

I don't want to put you off, because it's honestly the best thing we have ever done for our relationship and couldn't be happier - you just have to be realistic as well. If me and my partner had moved in together only after 6 months/1 year - we would have rented due to the freshness of the relationship. We were only happy to buy because we know our relationship is a long-term thing. I know that when you're first together everything is wonderful and exciting and you feel like it's going to last forever, but I personally think it did us a lot of good to wait until we had some conflicts/arguments and addressed any issues we had that were affecting our relationship. We still have issues to work on, but the point is we know how we resolve things/resolve conflict and that our lives are sustainable together long-term. 

The passion, romance, and general spontaneity of a relationship shifts dramatically after moving in together. You're in a routine, see each other all the time, work, do chores, decorate, become tired quickly. I think it's better to enjoy a care-free, lower responsibility relationship at first whilst you grow together emotionally and see where you are. 

 

I don't know if this is useful or not but my official advice would be if you absolutely want to move out soon, rent first. Buying a house with someone you've only been with for a short time is a very big risk. 

This was very useful and insightful thank you for taking the time to share your advice/experience. We have started sharing our financial knowledge/habits as far as we have been talking about our income, monthly bills, credit cards, and what we are able to afford. We both make around the same salary, so we have a similar budget and we manage money similarly. We definitely have worked through a couple disagreements, arguments and I feel extremely confident about our communication skills as a couple. We are both the "younger" ones at our jobs so we have seen some of the older couples that have been together for years break up and go through some pretty rough stuff, but on the flip side we have seen some of the positives of the other mature couples. I have heard horror stories of people moving in together and how drastically the dynamic of a relationship changing which is why this was just an idea I wanted to float around on the forum before I make the decision to bring it up yet or not. His lease expires almost six months before mine and that date is coming up in a couple months. I probably should have been a little more in depth on my post, but definitely not rushing into buying a house together or anything that drastic, just moving in together and moving towards that type of partnership. I felt like he was hinting at moving in together because we both started looking at houses/condos together recently and as I stated we stay with each other every night anyways. However, not only due to the freshness of the relationship, but the economy, I think we are both leaning towards renting for at least another year regardless of whether it is together or not and I am not really in a rush for it. I am very comfortable with where we are at now, but I think it is something that may be discussed in the near future so we can make a decision on what to do moving forward. 

[smackie9]

I say wait a couple of years, and let the infatuation wear off first. Most people I knew that moved in after about 6 months, ended up the woman waiting for the guy to propose which never came. His talk about plans is just that, talk. Never ever take that has a promise that it will happen. That's being naive. I know some push to move in to save money. It is best to not comingle your finances. Never share bank accounts, credit cards, etc. Split everything down the middle equally. Don't buy large items together. It will help heaps if you two were to breakup. See that's the thing people don't consider...planning for a breaking up because they blindly jump to the future planning. At 6 months you can't possibly really know what someone is like. Most are on their best behavior during this time. So be more realistic in the process, and keep love out of it. 

BTW we waited 8 years....and even then the transition was difficult for about a year. 

Edited June 29, 2022 by smackie9

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, girafficshark said:

 before I make the decision to bring it up yet or not. His lease expires almost six months before mine and that date is coming up in a couple months. 

Can you wait for him to bring it up after you decide if and when it would be a good idea for you?

[Ami1uwant]

Like I said…step …. Try and be in the same house ( not on vacation ) for 2 weeks.

[girafficshark]

17 hours ago, Ami1uwant said:

Like I said…step …. Try and be in the same house ( not on vacation ) for 2 weeks.

this is a very good idea, thank you!

[girafficshark]

On 6/29/2022 at 2:37 PM, Wiseman2 said:

Can you wait for him to bring it up after you decide if and when it would be a good idea for you?

Yes. I really think it is a good idea and I am pretty solid with how I feel on the situation. I will now give him time to make his own decision before I bring anything up

[Happy Lemming]

1 hour ago, girafficshark said:

I will now give him time to make his own decision before I bring anything up

Many, many years ago, I was dating a wonderful woman.  Things were going great!!  At some point, her landlord told her he was selling the house, where she was renting the basement apartment and the new owners didn't want a tenant.  I think their son wanted that basement apartment, so she would have to move.

She asked me for help in finding a new apartment.  This was pre-internet days and I had a friend that worked at the local newspaper. He would fax over the apartment listing to me (early), so we could get a jump on the apartments that became available that week.  So, we did this about a month, and she found fault with every unit we looked at.  I didn't pick up on it, but she kept saying she liked my neighborhood (I owned a house at that time).  There really weren't any rentals in my neighborhood, but I tried to find some units that were close.  After a few more weeks she dumped me.  She didn't really give me a reason and I went on with life.

Fast forward a few months, and I heard from a mutual friend that she dumped me because I didn't ask her to live with me.  I explained she never asked to live with me, that she asked for help finding a new apartment.  Had she asked (to live with me), I would have said "Yes".  This friend told me she had "hinted" at it, but I didn't pick up on these hints and invite her into my home.

So the moral to this long winded story is...  before you grow angry and resentful (at your boyfriend) about the situation and if you feel it is time to make the jump to living together... Sit down, have his full undivided attention, make sure the TV is off and there are no other distractions, then tell him EXACTLY what you want in clear easy to understand small words.  Guys don't pick up on hints... please tell us exactly what you want.

Just my two cents...

[girafficshark]

1 hour ago, Happy Lemming said:

Many, many years ago, I was dating a wonderful woman.  Things were going great!!  At some point, her landlord told her he was selling the house, where she was renting the basement apartment and the new owners didn't want a tenant.  I think their son wanted that basement apartment, so she would have to move.

She asked me for help in finding a new apartment.  This was pre-internet days and I had a friend that worked at the local newspaper. He would fax over the apartment listing to me (early), so we could get a jump on the apartments that became available that week.  So, we did this about a month, and she found fault with every unit we looked at.  I didn't pick up on it, but she kept saying she liked my neighborhood (I owned a house at that time).  There really weren't any rentals in my neighborhood, but I tried to find some units that were close.  After a few more weeks she dumped me.  She didn't really give me a reason and I went on with life.

Fast forward a few months, and I heard from a mutual friend that she dumped me because I didn't ask her to live with me.  I explained she never asked to live with me, that she asked for help finding a new apartment.  Had she asked (to live with me), I would have said "Yes".  This friend told me she had "hinted" at it, but I didn't pick up on these hints and invite her into my home.

So the moral to this long winded story is...  before you grow angry and resentful (at your boyfriend) about the situation and if you feel it is time to make the jump to living together... Sit down, have his full undivided attention, make sure the TV is off and there are no other distractions, then tell him EXACTLY what you want in clear easy to understand small words.  Guys don't pick up on hints... please tell us exactly what you want.

Just my two cents...

Thank you for sharing this! I definitely will talk about what I want with him way before I get angry and resentful towards him, I couldn't even imagine letting it get to that point. I definitely appreciate the "tell us exactly what you want" part of that because sometimes I forget that!! I also feel like we both might be on the same page. We both are very like-minded, so we both may be waiting for the other to bring it up.