cherryGirl Posted October 24, 2005 Posted October 24, 2005 I hope im posting in the right area sorry if im not: I'm not sure what to do about this situation im in... this is going to be long sorry in advance.. ive been with my BF for 2 years. we met over the net and everything seemed to be very good. i honestly had no clue he was STILL married, in the beginning he told me he was divorced. he is the nicest guy i ever met!! i never saw any red flags to tell me otherwise. after about a year together we decided to move in together (he lived 2.5 hours away) so we did.. as time went on things just werent feeling right( its hard to explain).. so yes, i investigated on my own and found out a few things that is really bothering me 1) he IS still married 2) for the first 6 months we were together he lived with his wife:( i honestly had no clue!!!!!!)( she lives out of state since she moved out) up until i found out he was actually still talking to her on the phone ( of course when i wasnt around, mostly when he was at work, HER being the one that called he showed me his phone bill so that i know is true. i'd say about 80% of the time he didnt even answer her call)) finally after we argued a while he called her ( infront of me) and told her that they were no longer going to keep in contact period! hes moved on and the contact is making me uncomfortable! of course she cried, blah blah but this made me fel a little better. so fast forward to recently, he still hasnt filed for divorce. ( i know its financial reasons since i handle the bills) but,what am i supposed to do?? I dont want to live with a married man and be looked at as the other woman?? this is really bothering me, i need some guidance please??
seachange Posted October 24, 2005 Posted October 24, 2005 Hi cherrygirl. Wow, that's really rough. But you know what just plain sucks? Nice /= integrity, necessarily. It's horrible and counter-intuitive, but true. I mean, he could be a super-nice guy and genuinely not want to hurt anyone - but the thing that's crappy is, that doesn't mean he won't hurt you. Because as much as he may care about your feelings and probably his wife's too, from what you've said this man's number-one priority will still be not to hurt himself. It means he hates confrontation and is willing to go to extraordinary lengths (such as lying to you for 2 years) to avoid getting into a fight with anybody. That's a huge red flag. And I'm afraid another is that his wife cried when he cut off contact. Which means she was still hoping they'd reconcile. Which means he probably hasn't levelled with her either - not completely, anyway. Based on the above, I'm guessing it's likely that while you were dating (even after she moved out) if she ever said to him, is there any hope? He'd have said something like, "well, maybe, I don't know, I don't know what I want right now." Instead of a flat-out, "no, I'm sorry, it's just over." I'm so sorry, that just really really sucks. :(
allaboutchoices Posted October 24, 2005 Posted October 24, 2005 I think at this point he needs to be given a time-line. By that time he either gets a divorce or you are gone. How is he the nicest guy? Didn't he lie to you?! My divorce cost me $300. I don't know what they have together, but staying married for financial reasons is not good. That would make you the OW. Good luck!
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