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Just a bad joke or disrespectful BS by date?

lillylola

By lillylola
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Alpacalia Established Member

Alpacalia

Posted
Posted
2 hours ago, Rapunzel2022 said:

But dont you all think its kinda childish for a guy in his late 30’s to state that ‘he’s in love’ with an artist?

Which artist? Anyone good?

 

Rapunzel2022 New Member

Rapunzel2022

Posted
Posted
5 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Which artist? Anyone good?

 

Kind of a more local artist that’s pretty famous in a few counties. She is good, I like her music and style as well, so that’s not the problem. No jealousy here. 

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Rapunzel2022 New Member

Rapunzel2022

Posted
Posted (edited)
2 hours ago, introverted1 said:

Not nearly as childish as making a big deal of his off-hand joke.

Your bf is not a clone of you.  He will act and react in different ways than you would.  There is nothing wrong with this.  It may be a small annoyance that you learn to tune out. I don't think there is anyone alive who has been in a successful LTR who can't also point to things their SO does that bug them.  So perhaps this misalignment on humor is something that will always bug you about your bf. That's how it goes sometimes.

OTOH, if you can't adopt a live-and-let-live attitude about small things like this, and see the totality of the relationship rather than focus on a few harmless words tossed out casually, then perhaps you should cut him loose.

I know he’s not a clone of me and I dont expect him to be. I, however, don’t think it’s childish to communicate that I cannot appreciate these corny jokes and that I do expect more consideration from someone his age. 

That’s what I see as making clear where my boundaries are and how I do and don’t want to be treated by a BF. And yes; I think a guy that needs to mention other women that he’s ‘in love with’ to his GF, is annoying and childish and mostly, insecure. 

 

But the only thing I told him is that it felt that he was testing me a bit, and that, the way he stated that he ‘obsessively’ listened her music seems a bit weird to me. 

Edited by Rapunzel2022
introverted1 Established Member

introverted1

Posted
Posted (edited)

 

15 minutes ago, Rapunzel2022 said:

That’s what I see as making clear where my boundaries are

This is a quick way to knock the joy and spontaneity out of a relationship. Don't be surprised when your bf starts feeling that he has to walk on eggshells for fear of saying something that violates your "boundaries." 

Good luck.

 

ETA:  Clarifying that having legitimate boundaries is healthy. Having "boundaries" that amount to forcing others to follow a contrived script, not so much.

Edited by introverted1
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Rapunzel2022 New Member

Rapunzel2022

Posted
Posted
6 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

 

This is a quick way to knock the joy and spontaneity out of a relationship. Don't be surprised when your bf starts feeling that he has to walk on eggshells for fear of saying something that violates your "boundaries." 

Good luck.

 

ETA:  Clarifying that having legitimate boundaries is healthy. Having "boundaries" that amount to forcing others to follow a contrived script, not so much.

Well, my legitimate boundarie is that I think I’m worth more than hearing what other females my BF is ‘in love with’. He can keep that kind of information for himself. I dont know what good it can bring for either him OR me to share that kind of non-information. If that knocks the joy and spontaneity out of a relationship, than so be it. I’m not a doormat.

stillafool Established Member

stillafool

Posted
Posted

Oh Brother!

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Alpacalia Established Member

Alpacalia

Posted
Posted (edited)

Here's the thing.

While it depends on the person, some people only feel the depth of their relationship if they are completely honest with each other. Do you know if he's very keen on being honest with each other? Does he ever ask for you to express your feelings? In that case, he's probably just trying to be as honest as possible.

The question is whether you can accept the fact that, even though you are in a relationship, it is obvious that at some point, he (or even you) may find another person attractive.

So, if your man loves being very honest, then he could be just sharing his feeling with you. He doesn't mean to hurt you or be rude to you. That’s it.

Of course there may be another reason why he said that to you. 

Complimenting other women makes you jealous and he may be doing it intentionally. He wants you to feel emotional, and could be expecting a strong reassurance from you that you want to be with him. Such comments are just a manifestation of insecurity in the relationship. So when you respond and react, he sees your adoration for him.

The case here may be either. Or nothing.

As for you, although he might be talking about this with his buddies or male friends, telling you straight up is mostly seen as offensive and mean by you.

Considering if something is appropriate for you is the first step.  Each relationship is unique; there is no set formula. It is always up to you both.

Do you think it's okay that he comments (in his own words) from time to time that other women are attractive? If yes, then overthinking “what he means” is not necessary. Of course, it could be any one of the reasons mentioned above, and worrying too much about is not necessary.

Edited by Alpacalia
flitzanu Established Member

flitzanu

Posted
Posted

neither.  it isn't really a bad joke, just a joke that didn't land.  claiming to be "in love" with a musician, actor, showbiz person, etc., is just babble.  i'm pretty sure that he knows he isn't actually in love with her, and it is just a turn of phrase.  believing it's a literal insult and reflection on you or of the relationship is a little extreme.

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poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

Posted
Posted (edited)
6 hours ago, Rapunzel2022 said:

He said its about her music, but yeah, I think that its about the artist too. 

But even if its about her, I still think its a really stupid, childish and unnecessary joke to make to someone you date with. I dont need to know who he’s ‘in love with’ and anyone could imagine that its something that your date isn’t waiting for to hear. Its not about me being insecure. It’s about basic respect and consideration towards people you claim to care about and how i want to be treated by someone who I’m dating with. 

I agree with others that it was a joke, his attempt to be fun and playful, and tbh I don't even think it was in poor taste.  Again, he was being PLAYFUL with you, teasing you a bit which imo can be fun!   I chuckled myself just reading his remarks!  

I actually love that, my boyfriend teases me ALL THE TIME and I can see him joking with me in the same way your boyfriend did.   Trying to rile me up in a fun playful way.  You have no idea how this type of banter and playfulness can ADD to your relationship versus take something away.

So, that said, I don't envision this working out because your natures and senses of humor are so different and simply not compatible.   

The way you are dissecting his words, and attaching something negative to them suggests that he will have to monitor his own communication with you and walk on eggshells so as to not offend you.  That does not make for an easy, relaxed environment in which to move and grow closer, to the contrary it will be tense and uncomfortable.

These early stages are the evaluation period, to determine if the person you're dating is the right "fit" for long term.  Clearly, he is not the right fit for you nor you for him.

You can continue dating him but I don't really see the point if you're this upset over him simply trying to be playful with you.  Don't be surprised if HE ends it first though, he may eventually find you a bit too critical and intense, I'm sorry.  :(

 

 

Edited by poppyfields
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ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

Posted
Posted
6 hours ago, Rapunzel2022 said:

But dont you all think its kinda childish for a guy in his late 30’s to state that ‘he’s in love’ with an artist?

No. It's not that serious. 

You are jealous over a very offhand comment, which says more about you than it does about him. If you're this easily triggered, this is not the man for you. I would walk away from a guy who freaked out over such a mild comment, should I happen to say I am in love with Bon Jovi. 

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Rapunzel2022 New Member

Rapunzel2022

Posted
Posted (edited)
42 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I agree with others that it was a joke, his attempt to be fun and playful, and tbh I don't even think it was in poor taste.  Again, he was being PLAYFUL with you, teasing you a bit which imo can be fun!   I chuckled myself just reading his remarks!  

I actually love that, my boyfriend teases me ALL THE TIME and I can see him joking with me in the same way your boyfriend did.   Trying to rile me up in a fun playful way.  You have no idea how this type of banter and playfulness can ADD to your relationship versus take something away.

So, that said, I don't envision this working out because your natures and senses of humor are so different and simply not compatible.   

The way you are dissecting his words, and attaching something negative to them suggests that he will have to monitor his own communication with you and walk on eggshells so as to not offend you.  That does not make for an easy, relaxed environment in which to move and grow closer, to the contrary it will be tense and uncomfortable.

These early stages are the evaluation period, to determine if the person you're dating is the right "fit" for long term.  Clearly, he is not the right fit for you nor you for him.

You can continue dating him but I don't really see the point if you're this upset over him simply trying to be playful with you.  Don't be surprised if HE ends it first though, he may eventually find you a bit too critical and intense, I'm sorry.  :(

 

 

But our relationship IS full of banter and playfulness. We laugh with each other all the time. He says how funny I am, we tease each other a lot. I’m not critical, nor am I intense. 

But, sometimes it’s ok to draw a line. It would be very weird if I would love EvERYTHING he says or jokes about. 

And this joke, it just didn’t land with me. And yeah, I think its ok to subtly let him know that. I’m not worried that that will make him walk away. Even after we texted about it, he said how happy he is with me and i told him I am happy with him too. 

 

And yeah, maybe I’m extra sensitive to jokes from his side about this theme since he left his wife a few years ago for someone he felt ‘in love with’, he tried to work things out with her, it didnt work but now they still see each other about once a month, just being ‘friends’. So, I think there’s more than enough space for him without me being a psycho of jealous freak.

He told me that his ex-wife couldn’t handle him talking about women he finds attractive. Since he’s now already ‘jokingly’ talking about ‘being in love’ with this female artist, it makes me wonder how often he talked about women he found attractive to her and the way he did it. Because, I dont know why, but the way he texted me about it just triggered me. It felt like he was testing me, seeing if I COULD handle him talking about other women. And I dont like it when someone plays games with me. I’m not sure if he did, but that was how I felt. 

Edited by Rapunzel2022
poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

Posted
Posted
Just now, Rapunzel2022 said:

But our relationship IS full of banter and playfulness. We laugh with each other all the time. He says how funny I am, we tease each other a lot. I’m not critical, nor am I intense. 

But, sometimes it’s ok to draw a line. It would be very weird if I would love EvERYTHING he says or jokes about. 

And this joke, it just didn’t land with me. And yeah, I think its ok to subtly let him know that. I’m not worried that that will make him walk away. Even after we texted about it, he said how happy he is with me and i told him I am happy with him too

Fabulous, I'm glad y'all worked it out.  💛

I am curious why you created the thread though but it's fine perhaps you needed to vent. 

Anyway, these little bumps will happen and if you can each move past them with relative ease, that's important and good.

It's all a part of getting to know each other and perhaps next time he knows to not tease you in quite that way again or if he does, you will know he didn't mean any disrespect to you, he was again simply being playful with you.

Rapunzel2022 New Member

Rapunzel2022

Posted
Posted
3 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Fabulous, I'm glad y'all worked it out.  💛

I am curious why you created the thread though but it's fine perhaps you needed to vent. 

Anyway, these little bumps will happen and if you can each move past them with relative ease, that's important and good.

It's all a part of getting to know each other and perhaps next time he knows to not tease you in quite that way again or if he does, you will know he didn't mean any disrespect to you, he was again simply being playful with you.

I think because I need to vent, and because at some level i find it confusing and I still kind of sad and just a tiny bit hurt about it all. Probably also because i want to understand why this bugged me so much..

poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

Posted
Posted (edited)
1 hour ago, Rapunzel2022 said:

Probably also because i want to understand why this bugged me so much..

It's great that you're aware of that and not putting all the blame on him.  Often times and this is true for me, when I get triggered by something my boyfriend said or did, it's not about that particular thing he said or did, but rather something deep inside of ME, within my core, relating to my past that's rising to the surface and needs to be released. 

What he said or did was simply a catalyst in bringing all that up, again to be understood and released.

Have you determined why it bugged you so much, what it relates to?

I am NOT a shrink!!  lol   

It's just that I am getting married next year and thinking about all his stuff, I think it's important and crucial we understand it and each other in order to have a healthy, happy and passionate relationship or marriage.  💛

 

 

Edited by poppyfields
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