Just a bad joke or disrespectful BS by date?

[lillylola]

Hi everyone, 

 

im dealing with a dilemma. I had 6 great dates with someone whom I think I’m really compatible with. He already said he wants to be exclusive with me, that he’s starting to fall for me and wants to seriously look where this is going. 
 

the only problem is; he had a major crush for a woman for about 2,5 years ago. It actually made him doubt about his marriage and even end his marriage. He then tried to establish something with that woman, but ultimately, she rejected him. That hurt him a lot. He says that it’s taken a while, but that he’s now finally over her. He sees that they’re not compatible, and actually wants to move on from her. He says the crush is over and he’s actually ‘done with it’. 
 

only problem is: they still meet up as friends. Every other 6 weeks, they grab dinner or a drink. He said he wants to be honest with me about this, that he can imagine that I’m uncomfortable with it. I said that yes, I’m kind of uncomfortable with it, but I don’t want to forbid him to see her and that, I do also see some exes of mine, with whom i now have a friendship. Actually, I reacted pretty cool to it and I’m not a jealous type at all, but it does makes me wonder what exactly will I get myself into. What would you do? 

Edited May 22, 2022 by lillylola

[Wiseman2]

21 minutes ago, lillylola said:

6 great dates with someone whom I think I’m really compatible with. He already said he wants to be exclusive with me, that he’s starting to fall for me and wants to seriously look where this is going. 
It actually made him doubt about his marriage and even end his marriage.

they still meet up  grab dinner or a drink. 

It's only 6 dates and the "falling for you, let's be exclusive" could be  line to get sex into the equation.

Be very careful with cheaters. He cheated on his wife with her and he is still dating her.

When someone warns you like this, observe carefully if this is worth your while getting invested in.

[glows]

I can't imagine this being an issue if you're also friendly with your exes or meet occasionally.

The only problem is that you hardly know the man. There are bound to be questions about the nature of their friendship. I wouldn't pay attention to a thing he's saying about falling for you. That will prove itself over time and you decide whether he's falling for you, not the other way around. He can say whatever he wants. If his actions don't line up or you're not compatible, wish him well on his way.

It doesn't look like she's going anywhere (as neither are your exes-for-friends) so you'll have to make room for their friendship if you continue to date him. 

[stillafool]

3 hours ago, lillylola said:

 

only problem is: they still meet up as friends. Every other 6 weeks, they grab dinner or a drink. He said he wants to be honest with me about this, that he can imagine that I’m uncomfortable with it. I said that yes, I’m kind of uncomfortable with it, but I don’t want to forbid him to see her and that, I do also see some exes of mine, with whom i now have a friendship. Actually, I reacted pretty cool to it and I’m not a jealous type at all, but it does makes me wonder what exactly will I get myself into. What would you do? 

Considering you both are doing the same thing (still seeing your exes) you really can't complain.  He did tell you that he still gets together with her, did you tell him you still get together with some of your exes?  What would I do?  Nothing until we both decided to lay our exes to the side and only see each other.

[Ami1uwant]

You know you can have initial attraction toa woman and sleep with her.  You might have common interests. As a relationship progresses you find out you and her incompatible in Many ways that kills any sort of marriage/ LTR prospects.

 

 

[Wiseman2]

The biggest red flag is that he cheated on his wife and supposedly divorced her for this "friend".

Is this the same man?:

 

[lillylola]

Hi Everyone, 

 

Ive been dating this guy for about 2,5 months and its fun, we really like each other and he mentions us having a future together a couple of times. He takes initiative to text, to meet. He says really sweet things when we’re together and he treats me right. Everything so far, so good. 

Today I send him a text with a virtual hug, saying that he makes me smile. He send me an emoji back with hearts around it. Then saying ‘ That’s so sweet. On a day like today, you’re often in my mind. That’s quite a good sign  (blushy emoji)’. 

 

And i dont know why, because he probably means it well, but the ‘that’s a pretty good sign’ phrase makes me feel awkward. Like he’s making it an exam, or like he’s still on the fence and that the fact the he’s frequently thinking about it is a good sign but that there are also signs that aren’t good. He could just have just kept it with ‘ That’s so sweet, you’re in mind xoxo’ or something. 

 

Am I overreacting or overanalysing? Or is it indeed a weird phrase/response?

Edited June 18, 2022 by lillylola

[Wiseman2]

8 minutes ago, lillylola said:

Today I send him a text with a virtual hug, saying that he makes me smile. He send me an emoji back with hearts around it. Then saying ‘ That’s so sweet. On a day like today, you’re often in my mind. That’s quite a good sign  (blushy emoji)’. 

All of this combined with his general enthusiasm in person sounds good. Try not to overanalyze texts.

[ShyViolet]

I see nothing wrong with what he said.  I think you are completely overanalyzing this and looking for problems where there are none.

[Ami1uwant]

Don’t overthink this…

[glows]

10 hours ago, lillylola said:

Hi Everyone, 

 

Ive been dating this guy for about 2,5 months and its fun, we really like each other and he mentions us having a future together a couple of times. He takes initiative to text, to meet. He says really sweet things when we’re together and he treats me right. Everything so far, so good. 

Today I send him a text with a virtual hug, saying that he makes me smile. He send me an emoji back with hearts around it. Then saying ‘ That’s so sweet. On a day like today, you’re often in my mind. That’s quite a good sign  (blushy emoji)’. 

 

And i dont know why, because he probably means it well, but the ‘that’s a pretty good sign’ phrase makes me feel awkward. Like he’s making it an exam, or like he’s still on the fence and that the fact the he’s frequently thinking about it is a good sign but that there are also signs that aren’t good. He could just have just kept it with ‘ That’s so sweet, you’re in mind xoxo’ or something. 

 

Am I overreacting or overanalysing? Or is it indeed a weird phrase/response?

He meant it well but it came out patronizing. I don’t think he meant to make you feel like you’re under a microscope or like you’re being examined. He’s just talking outloud and it’s TMI. You may be more reserved and considerate of how your words are perceived on the other hand. 

See how it goes. It’s fairly obvious to say if you continue feeling uncomfortable stop seeing him. You’re aware now in the way he communicates and he sounds like a nice person so have some faith. 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

10 hours ago, lillylola said:

Am I overreacting or overanalysing?

Yes, to both. 

Do you tend to do that? 

[BrinnM]

23 hours ago, lillylola said:

Or is it indeed a weird phrase/response?

No, it’s not. If he said that after 4 years of marriage, or 1 year of being engaged, sure, it could sound strange, but he’s saying it after 2.5 months of dating, which means that in his opinion the relationship is progressing nicely, and he appreciates your virtual hug, and he has positive thoughts about you.
I think what he was generally trying to convey was that he’s happy with you, and that he feels that this could go somewhere long-term. Hence, the “good sign” comment. I think you should relax. 

[BaileyB]

23 hours ago, lillylola said:

Am I overreacting or overanalysing?

Yes. 

[smackie9]

Some guys are not very good with expressing themselves...it comes out wrong or their way of saying things is odd but with good intentions. I would chalk it up as a him being a dork and ignore it.

Edited June 19, 2022 by smackie9

[basil67]

I'd be delighted if someone I was really into said this to me

[Rapunzel2022]

Hi everyone. 

I am now dating a guy for a few months nu everything is going well. He told me he’s in love with me and I’m in love with him too. But sometimes, he makes these weird jokes. 

 

We went to a wonderful concert of a female artist this weekend. We both loved her music and in the days after the concert, we said we were listening to her music a lot.

Yesterday he texted , “i’m listening to Sandra (artist) again. I think I’m in love, are you ok with that?’ “ I replied: in love with Sandra? sure, go ahead. You dont need my permission to fall in love with someone, right?’ He then replied ‘oh no, wait! I was already in love with you :D. Nah, asking for permission to fall in love with someone else will not happen until I’m in my midlifecrisis, that will probably be in 5 or 6 years’. 

I then replied ‘well, great you’ve now warned me for that, so I can quit with us in about 4,5 years’

I then told him him it felt like he was somehow testing me a bit, to see how I would react to his comments (that was how it felt to me, because I couldn’t really imagine that him hisself thought his jokes were really funny”  

He texted ‘ oh no sorry, I just meant I’m in love with her music no I am obsessively listening to it. Never thought about that it could be interpreted like I’m in love with her’ 

I said ‘ok, that’s cool. I’m happy you dont want to test me’. 

I dont know why but it lol really feels a bit weird and like he wanted to provoke me. He could have just stated ‘ omg, I’m in love with her music’. Of ‘Im obsessed with this music’ . And than the whole ‘O no wait, I was already in love with you’ plus the mentioning of him joking he’ll fall in love in his midlifecrisis. It’s all not my sense of humor and I think it’s corny to say the least. How do you all read this?

[introverted1]

Why are you picking apart his words and looking for problems?  Nothing he said indicates he was trying to provoke you or that he doesn't care about you.

He just made a silly joke that didn't land.

 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

It’s just a poorly-chosen joke. 

I wouldn’t think anything of it. 

[Ami1uwant]

Stop overthinking

[Rapunzel2022]

But dont you all think its kinda childish for a guy in his late 30’s to state that ‘he’s in love’ with an artist? I mean, I couldn’t care less, but I think its a.childish to say something like that and b. Inconsiderate towards your date. 

I dont see myself stating ‘I think I’m in love, are you ok with that?’ after we went to a concert of a male-artist. I think its such a weird AND inconsiderate way of telling your date that you’re really enjoying someone’s music.

Edited June 24, 2022 by Rapunzel2022

[BrinnM]

Innocent joke. Seriously, the more you try to discuss it and “bring your point across”, the more insecure you’ll look, and that’s definitely not attractive. He’s “in love and are you ok with that” obviously referred to the artist, and I know you know that as well, why can’t you just laugh it off and say yes, me too, or just send a laughing/smile emoji? It’s not like he said I’m in love with my coworker, or neighbor or whatever. And the midlife crisis comment - that was just to placate you, or distract from the situation, because he probably felt attacked and unduly questioned already. It’s always good to know how to take a joke, @Rapunzel2022

[Rapunzel2022]

9 minutes ago, BrinnM said:

Innocent joke. Seriously, the more you try to discuss it and “bring your point across”, the more insecure you’ll look, and that’s definitely not attractive. He’s “in love and are you ok with that” obviously referred to the artist, and I know you know that as well, why can’t you just laugh it off and say yes, me too, or just send a laughing/smile emoji? It’s not like he said I’m in love with my coworker, or neighbor or whatever. And the midlife crisis comment - that was just to placate you, or distract from the situation, because he probably felt attacked and unduly questioned already. It’s always good to know how to take a joke, @Rapunzel2022

He said its about her music, but yeah, I think that its about the artist too. 

But even if its about her, I still think its a really stupid, childish and unnecessary joke to make to someone you date with. I dont need to know who he’s ‘in love with’ and anyone could imagine that its something that your date isn’t waiting for to hear. Its not about me being insecure. It’s about basic respect and consideration towards people you claim to care about and how i want to be treated by someone who I’m dating with. 

Edited June 24, 2022 by Rapunzel2022

[Wiseman2]

22 minutes ago, Rapunzel2022 said:

I still think its a really stupid, childish and unnecessary joke to make to someone you date with. I dont need to know who he’s ‘in love with’ and anyone could imagine that its something that your date isn’t waiting for to hear. 

Unfortunately, a few in you can start to notice incompatibilities  like this. The newness wears off and you start to irritate each other. 

It's doubtful he was trying to wound you to this extent, but nonetheless, pay attention to feeling irritated and if you are actually compatible.

[introverted1]

51 minutes ago, Rapunzel2022 said:

But dont you all think its kinda childish for a guy in his late 30’s to state that ‘he’s in love’ with an artist?

Not nearly as childish as making a big deal of his off-hand joke.

Your bf is not a clone of you.  He will act and react in different ways than you would.  There is nothing wrong with this.  It may be a small annoyance that you learn to tune out. I don't think there is anyone alive who has been in a successful LTR who can't also point to things their SO does that bug them.  So perhaps this misalignment on humor is something that will always bug you about your bf. That's how it goes sometimes.

OTOH, if you can't adopt a live-and-let-live attitude about small things like this, and see the totality of the relationship rather than focus on a few harmless words tossed out casually, then perhaps you should cut him loose.

Edited June 24, 2022 by introverted1