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Boyfriend is great, so what's wrong with me?

CityGurl

By CityGurl
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poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

Posted
Posted (edited)
31 minutes ago, ItsTheDay said:

George's plan is working exactly as planned. Hence the reason why you're here, saying what you're saying.

I agree with this^, he's playing it  perfectly.  He appears to be quite skilled at pulling women, knows just what to say and do, and the fact you have a boyfriend is especially intriguing and part of his "Game" as well.

None of this would be happening if it weren't for "George."  I think you may be "in love" with him, in love being defined in this context as strong infatuation and a sort of temporary insanity 

I mean let's face it, you cannot stop talking about him! George, George, George, I can sense your attraction for him oozing from your every word. 

This may be unpopular advice but I believe in experiencing LIFE and taking risks.  If it doesn't work, you learn and grow from the experience

As such, just go for it with George.  Detach from the outcome and enjoy it, the feels and everything else.  

Your relationship with your bf is done anyway, he sounds more like a big brother or good friend which is how I felt about my first boyfriend whom I spoke about earlier.  

If you were older (say 80+ lol) my advice might be different but you are only 22, there's no need to settle for a man you are no longer attracted to, live life! 

I do and loving every second of it, the good, bad and ugly and believe me, I've experienced lots of ugly and don't regret one second of it.

It's brought me to where I am today, the person I've become.  Strong and resilient and happy!  Soon engaged to be married to a man I'm madly in love with and extremely attracted to.

Don't settle for less, there is no reason you have to especially at your young age. 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited by poppyfields
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mark clemson Established Member

mark clemson

Posted
Posted
17 hours ago, CityGurl said:

Sometimes, I'm like, yep, staying with my bf is definitely the right thing, we laugh together, we live together, I take his dog to daycare on Wednesdays, I like his family, they like me (a lot), etc.

And then, I wait for George's texts and I daydream about how it could be if I went up there (my cousin's) see him out or go on a date with him and be able to kiss him in front of people.

Uuuugggghhhh. I'm so stressed.  I wish this "George" never would have come along. I was fine before him

I am such a whack job.

 

You are not a whack job. This "tension" is actually quite normal, although the strong extent of your interest in George suggests you're on the verge of a decision point to potentially actually leave your BF.

Biologically, people are serial monogamists, meaning most people will have at least a few relationships, not just one.

"Serial" suggests "one at a time" but in actual practice/reality monkeybranching and not fully ending one relationship while the (potential) next one ramps up is not uncommon.

People overlay morals, sense of duty, loyalty, etc, etc over this biological reality all the time, with mixed results.

And of course people get hurt when their partner ends things (with or without there being a new partner they are left for).

Are you an awful person for moving on? I don't think so. Are you awful for staying? I don't think so either. Should you tell your BF your feelings, leaving without telling, tell him and leave, keep this all a secret? That choice is yours, but keep in mind your BF is likely to feel hurt emotionally to at least some extent by anything other than the normal status quo.

No one here actually knows George, and IF you left things might work out great. He might be the epic love of your life and very sincerely fall for you (as you seem to be in the process of for him). Or turn out to be a D-bag. Or an "ok" BF who you break it off with eventually. No one can tell you.

Consider the above some food for thought in your situation...

Wiseman2 Established Member

Wiseman2

Posted
Posted

There's nothing wrong with you, your BF or this man you have your eyes on. All that is wrong is the timing.

Too young to play house, since age 18. Have you really lived before this? Gone to collage? Gotten your dream job? Had a lot of fun? Parties? Had roommates? Your own apt.? etc.

Being stuck in this domestic drudgery since your teens is the problem. It's unclear why you did that. Were things bad at home or were there economic issues?

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CityGurl Member

CityGurl

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Posted (edited)
6 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Your relationship with your bf is done anyway, he sounds more like a big brother or good friend which is how I felt about my first boyfriend whom I spoke about earlier.  

ya know, I was just thinking this earlier today.  only I was thinking more like a dad.  since he's the only one working right now (I'm a full-time student) I tend to "let" him have his way too much. So yes we laugh together and get along, but we do have our problems. We don't always see eye to eye in regard to house stuff. He won't let me paint even tho he has no good reason not to except, wait until we get a better house, he won't let me buy a kitchen table because when we have a different house it might not match. The cleaning, he's always harping on me that I'm not productive like when I'm on the computer, even though he's going to archery the same night. It's a hobby. He says going to archery is productive tho, playing video games on the computer isn't.

 So we're not 100% great. It used to be a lot worse though when I first moved in, he used to get upset if I got crumbs on the counter. Basically I don't pick up after myself like I should.

 I think he's a bit anal sometimes.

Not too long ago, he chastised at me for buying a glass bottle of coke because we had cokes at home. I just liked the glass bottle really and thought it would be good tasting. I did have two other bottles at home (not glass) but what is the big deal?

I just get frustrated because sometimes it seems like it's Bruce's way or no way.

He's the type of guy that buys the same things at the grocery store every time and never switches it up, don't improve anything because it's not broken, etc. I just get a little annoyed by it.
 

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

Posted
Posted (edited)

Well there is no reason to be vilifying him.  He is who he is, another woman might not be bothered about such things.

The main issue here is that you are no longer attracted to him and don't enjoy having sexual relations with him.   That is what differentiates a friendship from a romantic relationship -  sexual attraction.  It's just not there and you cannot force it to be there even with all the therapy in the world if you were considering going that route.

So I think you know what to do.   George or no George.

However, with respect to George, like I said, why not play it out with him?  Even if he is a bit of a "player," so what?  

You're at the age of exploration and experimentation.  

You can enjoy and have fun with it while remaining detached from the outcome, in fact he may be just what you need right now!!

I would, but that's me, I have always been a bit of a risker taker.  I am resilient and KNOW I will be OK no matter how it plays out.

 

 

Edited by poppyfields
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basil67 Established Member

basil67

Posted
Posted

Is he supporting you?   

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BaileyB Established Member

BaileyB

Posted
Posted
13 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Is he supporting you?   

Financially? Is that your question?

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BaileyB Established Member

BaileyB

Posted
Posted (edited)
35 minutes ago, CityGurl said:

He's the type of guy that buys the same things at the grocery store every time and never switches it up, don't improve anything because it's not broken, etc. I just get a little annoyed by it.

Hard to say if this guy is a control freak or if you are just looking for things to complain about to justify your (possible) decision to end the relationship and get with this other guy who has caught your eye…

Honestly, some of that sounds like regular run of the mill life and long term relationship stuff. My partner plans everything too - we waited until we built our home to do things, he hates it when I forget to close the garage door, he never switches certain things up, etc… I love him despite. ;)

My honest assessment, you are way too young to commit yourself to a serious long term relationship right now - you will regret it for the rest of your life. My best friend was in a big rush to marry the man she dated in high school and have babies - she divorced him at 40 because she “had missed her youth,” she was suicidal, and she was involved in an affair. 

He is clearly a little older and in a different place than you are. He may be a wonderful man but he is not perfect and you do not actually sound particularly well matched. I agree with the previous statement - he was your soft place to fall after your last, unfortunate relationship. You live and you learn - take the experience of this relationship as you take the experience of your last relationship as you move forward to find your best relationship. No doubt, “George” will be another teaching experience because it sound unlikely that he will be your forever partner - but you need to learn the lesson from that too. 

There are plenty of good guys out there. With kindness, you have some maturing and some more living/learning to do before you are really ready to settle down with one… That’s my very humble opinion, for what it’s worth. 

Edited by BaileyB
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CityGurl Member

CityGurl

Posted
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Posted
12 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Is he supporting you?   

Not really.  But his family has helped me with my tuition and he doesn't ask me to help pay any household expenses.  But that is only because I can't work a lot right now because of school. And also I think it's because we have kind of always assumed we were going to get married even tho he hasn't formally proposed yet. We act like we're married even tho we are not.

That's another thing.  

I was always sure that we'd get married blah blah and he always pictured us going to Vegas or something like that. To me, him thinking of that is a little demeaning to me bc the reason he thought that is bc he doesn't want to spend a lot of money on a traditional wedding, church, dinner, etc.

I don't even know if I want to marry him anymore. The combo of all this, nagging, marriage, etc. just has me wondering lately. And then add George on top, it's too much.

I could see Bruce ending up living in a cabin way up north, no kids, no marriage and just being fine with it. Doing his hunting and fishing.

20 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Well there is no reason to be vilifying him.  He is who he is, another woman might not be bothered about such things.

The main issue here is that you are no longer attracted to him and don't enjoy having sexual relations with him.   That is what differentiates a friendship fi

So I think you know what to do.   George or no George.

However, with respect to George, like I said, why not play it out with him?  Even if he is a bit of a "player," so what?  

You're at the age of exploration and experimentation.  

You can enjoy and have fun with it while remaining detached from the outcome, in fact he may be just what you need right now!!

So basically if I have to dig for reasons to stay in my heart I know it's not right?

But on the other side of it, what if George is just something to make me realize all these things and in the end, Bruce and I just aren't right for each other and I needed someone like George to see that?

No, really though Bruce really does make me feel crappy sometimes. Like playing on the computer the other night and saying how I'm not being productive. I go to school full time and I work two nights a week at a retail store, I think once in a while I can be non-productive.

I've literally asked him on a couple occasions if he thinks I'm a piece of **** because sometimes thats the way he makes me feel. Not as good as him. He works hard and then comes home and works hard some more. His idea of relaxing is on the weekends, going hunting and fishing and trapping, etc. Mine is to sometimes take a break and play video games, even if it is during the week when he's being productive. Sometimes I just feel like he thinks I'm just lazy.

I actually asked him the other day if he's going to love me forever even if I am lazy. (Which I'm not but in his book, I am). He said, well, yes, but I would hope for a slight improvement.

 Hmm.
 

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CityGurl Member

CityGurl

Posted
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Posted
4 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

There are plenty of good guys out there. With kindness, you have some maturing and some more living/learning to do before you are really ready to settle down with one… That’s my very humble opinion, for what it’s worth. 

Yeah, I know what you mean.

But are these issues worth breaking up over? He's not going to change. And I'm not going to change either. We've talked about it a hundred times and it's always stayed the same.

I always tell him that he nags. I am so not the nagger in the relationship and I really don't want to be nagged.

I always thought he was so great because my last bf was completely useless so I was always thankful that Bruce wasn't like that but it's not so great. Him nagging me makes me want to do less. I don't know why.

I just don't know if that's something (along with other little things) to break up over.

I guess having feelings for someone else, wanting to be independent and all the little things is actually a big thing.

I just don't know. I keep going back and forth.

BaileyB Established Member

BaileyB

Posted
Posted
18 minutes ago, CityGurl said:

But are these issues worth breaking up over?

Young people break up and date other people for a whole lot less…

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CityGurl Member

CityGurl

Posted
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Posted
18 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Young people break up and date other people for a whole lot less…

Yes, but not after being together almost 4 years and living together for 2. 

All in all, everyone says to do whatever makes me happy. I just now have to figure that out. I know that one things for sure, I'm happy when I get a text from George or if I am going to see him over the weekend while visiting my cousins. In fact, I'm just getting ready to leave for my cousins and right now I'm so happy (and getting butterflies) in anticipation of seeing him again.  But I am also happy when my bf makes me laugh. But when that happens I feel distracted because of how I feel for George. 

Ultimately I feel like I want to be set free. (That sounds so selfish) but I really think I would be happy.

Is it possible that my bf is indeed a great guy but we're just not meant for each other?

 

Weezy1973 Established Member

Weezy1973

Posted
Posted
2 hours ago, CityGurl said:

Not really.  But his family has helped me with my tuition and he doesn't ask me to help pay any household expenses.  But that is only because I can't work a lot right now because of school.

Just as an aside, this is pretty much the definition of supporting you financially. And that of course can make it harder to break up with him.

 

It’s clear that this relationship has run it’s course. You’re 22 and not ready for marriage yet. Which is perfectly normal. Break up and go experience the world.

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ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

Posted
Posted
4 hours ago, CityGurl said:

Is it possible that my bf is indeed a great guy but we're just not meant for each other?

Yes. In fact, I think that is exactly the problem.

4 hours ago, CityGurl said:

Ultimately I feel like I want to be set free. (That sounds so selfish)

Why is that selfish? It's healthy to recognize when you no longer want to be committed to someone, and need to go. Being selfish would be staying with a person just because they're your security net, even when you don't really love them that way anymore. 

Alpacalia Established Member

Alpacalia

Posted
Posted (edited)

Yes.

Let him go.

For what it's worth I broke up with my boyfriend around your age no other man was in the picture (I'm a good girl 😉) because we were just too young. 

It's your time to be free.

Get out there and enjoy yourself as much as you can without the safety net and support of your boyfriend.

Edited by Alpacalia
basil67 Established Member

basil67

Posted
Posted
8 hours ago, CityGurl said:

Not really.  But his family has helped me with my tuition and he doesn't ask me to help pay any household expenses.  But that is only because I can't work a lot right now because of school. And also I think it's because we have kind of always assumed we were going to get married even tho he hasn't formally proposed yet. We act like we're married even tho we are not.

That's another thing.  

I was always sure that we'd get married blah blah and he always pictured us going to Vegas or something like that. To me, him thinking of that is a little demeaning to me bc the reason he thought that is bc he doesn't want to spend a lot of money on a traditional wedding, church, dinner, etc.

I don't even know if I want to marry him anymore. The combo of all this, nagging, marriage, etc. just has me wondering lately. And then add George on top, it's too much.

To be fair, you're sounding a bit entitled on the issue of a wedding.  It's not demeaning to go without a traditional wedding.  I don't know any young person who can afford to pay for it themselves.  This is the privilege of those who have two sets of parents who are wealthy enough to pay or a couple who has enough combined income to splash out on just one day without it affecting their bottom line.  If you don't want Vegas, then a conservative local wedding with an affordable dress and small guest list will be far more suitable.   

Likewise, you've been complaining that he won't let you paint or buy a new table.  From what you write, I'm guessing that this isn't your money you're wishing to spend, so your boyfriend putting his foot down about your spending isn't nagging....it's his prerogative to decide how his money is spent.  Be grateful for the financial support from him and his parents and don't push for more.  If you want more, then find a better part time job or increase your hours and pay for it yourself.  

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CityGurl Member

CityGurl

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Posted

update.  i finally realize you guys are right.  I have finally decided to break up with my bf!  I want to “formally” do it when I get back cuz doing it over the phone just seems low, but George and i were really connecting last night and it’s painfully obvious to me that something is probably gonna happen, so i wanted to call my bf last night to at least let him know we are done.

I told him that i was having feelings for someone else and i didn’t think they were going away any time soon, and so we would have to face reality and deal with it. i told him the situation was not fair to either of us and so we should probably just split up. he asked me who it was and I told him. it got really emotional then, we were both on the verge of tears, and it started getting a bit “heated”. he was hurt and he wanted to argue about it, but i wouldn’t let him. i told him it would be better if we waited till i got back so we could discuss things in person.

it was hard, but i did what i had to.  i still haven’t told him everything, but at least he knows we’re done.

he was crushed, but i’m hoping that after I get back we can hash out everything and i will be able to help him see that it is what is best for both of us.

and i do think that. but right now it’s very hard because i feel so bad for him and i feel like such a piece of crap for doing this, even tho you all opened my eyes and made me see that it was the only right thing to do.

my bf deserves so much better...

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Wiseman2 Established Member

Wiseman2

Posted
Posted
6 minutes ago, CityGurl said:

i’m hoping that after I get back we can hash out everything and i will be able to help him see that it is what is best for both of us. my bf deserves so much better...

Good you were straight forward. Can you move back home and get a more work? The issue is your tuition and income, no? You may have to reimburse your Bf's family and get scholarships, student loans. But applying for financial aide is better than the situation you have now. Breakups aren't easy, but it's better than coasting along thinking of another life with another person.

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Noproblem Established Member

Noproblem

Posted
Posted (edited)

I think you should be with guys your age!

Stop being unfaithful to your good bf, that's not cool. I know you said you are not doing anything wrong with george.

But yeah I don't find any fault with friendship with a guy and girl if both are not attracted to each others, in your case, both of you are attracted to each others, so you and him having what is called" Emotional affair", that is not right to your boyfriend. He trusts you and you do this to him?

No be honest with yourself, leave your boyfriend, you don't love him anymore and this georgy guy is gonna break your heart too, so I would say don't leave bf just for Gerogy's sake, leave him because you don't love him anymore. You are too young for both of them. Enjoy your life without hurting others. That's not right!

and again Gerogy boy will break your heart, so please don't run back to your old bf once that happens, learn to be comfortable single and on your own! your bf is ready to settle in, let him free to move on with his life,  and be free yourself, do whatever you want! Also remember to work hard and be successful and indepenant, boys come and go, you only have yourself to look out for!

Edited by Noproblem
Noproblem Established Member

Noproblem

Posted
Posted
22 hours ago, CityGurl said:

Yes, but not after being together almost 4 years and living together for 2. 

All in all, everyone says to do whatever makes me happy. I just now have to figure that out. I know that one things for sure, I'm happy when I get a text from George or if I am going to see him over the weekend while visiting my cousins. In fact, I'm just getting ready to leave for my cousins and right now I'm so happy (and getting butterflies) in anticipation of seeing him again.  But I am also happy when my bf makes me laugh. But when that happens I feel distracted because of how I feel for George. 

Ultimately I feel like I want to be set free. (That sounds so selfish) but I really think I would be happy.

Is it possible that my bf is indeed a great guy but we're just not meant for each other?

 

you were a teenager when he dated you and he was  25. this is not right at all

you were 18 and he was 25. Let that sink in, he should've dated a girl that is 21 and older, not a teenager.

That kinda influences your thinking and everything, and there is the power game too..

7 years are not a big of deal  if you started dating at 24 and he was 30, not you are 18 and he is 25, you were not even allowed to drink at 18.

ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

Posted
Posted
15 hours ago, CityGurl said:

I’m hoping that after I get back we can hash out everything and i will be able to help him see that it is what is best for both of us.

You've done the right thing letting him go, but please don't do this. 

He isn't going to feel that way right now, and it will rub salt in the wound. Let him process it in his own time. Don't make it your mission to get him to be okay wirh breaking up. You are going to have to deal with the fact this break-up won't be mutual, and he doesn't want it. In time, on his own, he will see it was for the best. His ex-girlfriend trying to convince him of it is going to be rather patronizing and insensitive to his feelings.

But you will eventually be okay with ending it, too. I felt awful dumping the ex I mentioned earlier in this thread. The guilt stayed with me for a while, and I hated knowing I was the one who caused that pain. But I had to deal with it, and I did. Over time, it bothered me less, simply because I knew I had made the right choice ending it. 

6 hours ago, Noproblem said:

again Gerogy boy will break your heart, so please don't run back to your old bf once that happens

I second this, too. OP, understand that things could easily crash and burn with George. It is likely, actually. Don't go looking for your ex if that happens, though. Regardless of what happens now with this other guy, your relationship needed to end. 

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CityGurl Member

CityGurl

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Posted
7 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You've done the right thing letting him go, but please don't do this. He isn't going to feel that way right now, and it will rub salt in the wound. Let him process it in his own time. Don't make it your mission to get him to be okay wirh breaking up. You are going to have to deal with the fact this break-up won't be mutual, and he doesn't want it. In time, on his own, he will see it was for the best. His ex-girlfriend trying to convince him of it

is going to be rather patronizing and insensitive to his feelings.

Well i feel i still need to talk to him about this cuz i dont believe in breaking up over the phone. Especially after a 3 ½ yr relationship.

That’s just low.

I only called him friday nite so he would know it’s over. But I didn’t want to actually break up with him over the phone. All i told him was that i was really into someone else and my feelings were just confirmed tonight, and i know our relationship isn’t going to withstand it. We’re doomed. I told him i felt the only thing to do at this point was to face the truth and just break up. Of course he didn’t want to and he kept trying to “make his case”, but I told him now was not the time. I told him we would talk more when I get back.

See, i want to “officially” break up with him in person. Because i feel that he deserves that. And i at least owe him that. if that makes any sense.

I also feel i owe him more of an explanation than that.

plus, i still have to make arrangements with him to get all my stuff.  so i dont see how we could avoid talking about it.

I’m just now leaving my cousins, so i should be seeing him in a few hours.

Uuuuuuunnnnggghhh!  I am so not looking forward to this.

my stomach is churning right now…  🤢

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ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

Posted
Posted
6 minutes ago, CityGurl said:

See, i want to “officially” break up with him in person. Because i feel that he deserves that. And i at least owe him that. if that makes any sense.

I also feel i owe him more of an explanation than that.

plus, i still have to make arrangements with him to get all my stuff.  so i dont see how we could avoid talking about it.

I didn't suggest that you avoid talking to him in person altogether, OP. You misunderstood my point. 

I said you should not try to make him see that this is best for him. Be kind and respectful when you break up with him, but let him manage his own reaction to it. 

 

Weezy1973 Established Member

Weezy1973

Posted
Posted
25 minutes ago, CityGurl said:

Uuuuuuunnnnggghhh!  I am so not looking forward to this.

my stomach is churning right now…  🤢

I feel your pain. I’ve had to break up with a few women in my day and it sucks. You still care for him, even if the relationship is over. And you know he is hurting. 
 

But it will pass. It always does. He won’t hurt forever. You’re not doing irreparable damage. And although it doesn’t feel like it now, the sense of relief that you’ll feel once it’s officially done will be intense. 
 

Pre-break up sucks.

Breaking up sucks.

Post break up is a relief.

Wiseman2 Established Member

Wiseman2

Posted
Posted
33 minutes ago, CityGurl said:

i still have to make arrangements with him to get all my stuff.  so i dont see how we could avoid talking about it. I’m just now leaving my cousins, so i should be seeing him in a few hours.

Keep it kind and simple. Focus on logistics. Moving out. Paying him/his parents back ,etc. You'll be ok. He'll be ok. It will hurt but it's better than living with regret.

While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!
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