Boyfriend is great, so what's wrong with me?

[CityGurl]

26 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

“I want to keep my security blanket while exploring other options.” That’s a very selfish thing to do, very unkind to your boyfriend. Again, you need to end your relationship with your boyfriend - it is the kindest thing you could do for him. 

[ ] 

 For the record, I am not trying to be selfish. I am just a person with feelings. This can happen to anyone.
 

19 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

This is very inappropriate when you are in a committed relationship with another man. 

Would you feel the need to be single and available if this other man hadn’t come along? The fact that he is in the picture affects your ability to evaluate your relationship and your thoughts/feelings. It’s like you have tunnel vision - this other guy on the brain. No man can compare to the excitement of someone new who draws your attention… If you are so easily swayed, it demonstrates that you are not invested and committed to your relationship. It’s time to end it and pursue other options. Nothing wrong with that - you are young, this is what young people do. What you don’t have the right to do is stay in your relationship while texting another man and pursuing/building another relationship. 

I'm not trying to be a cake eater but you definitely have a good point.

The entire time I've been with my bf this has never happened. I've always been 100% dedicated to him. Until George came along. 

So basically you are saying if I want a stable relationship I have to be willing to keep all other men out of my life and stay with my bf.

But... if I want a stable relationship with George, that's taking a chance and then who's to say I'm not going to go thru this again.
 

Edited June 23, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
civility

[BaileyB]

30 minutes ago, CityGurl said:

So basically you are saying if I want a stable relationship I have to be willing to keep all other men out of my life and stay with my bf.

What I’m saying is, if you decide to stay in your relationship you will need to maintain healthy relationships with other men. Your partner deserves respect and consideration and this means, you must respect appropriate boundaries with other men. Texting with another man while in a relationship is not maintaining a healthy relationship boundary. Meeting another man for lunch and possibly fitting is not maintaining a healthy boundary. It’s not like your intention is “platonic friendship” - you are assessing him as a potential relationship partner. And that is a very inappropriate thing to do when in a relationship. It’s a very disrespectful and unkind thing to do to your current boyfriend.

30 minutes ago, CityGurl said:

if I want a stable relationship with George, that's taking a chance and then who's to say I'm not going to go thru this again.

Who’s saying? Every relationship is a risk - even your relationship with your boyfriend is a risk. This is why it’s important to do your due diligence when assessing potential partners and chose your relationship partners wisely. 
 

It’s ok to want to explore different options. This is what your twenties are all about - you have different relationships and you learn about yourself/relationships. As I said above, what you don’t have the right to do is to explore other options while using your boyfriend for the stability/security he offers. That’s a cruel thing to someone. Best to end one relationship before beginning another…

Edited June 23, 2022 by BaileyB

[basil67]

30 minutes ago, CityGurl said:

But... if I want a stable relationship with George, that's taking a chance and then who's to say I'm not going to go thru this again.
 

Getting crushes while we are in a relationship is normal.  It will happen again at some stage in your life.  The trick is how to handle the crush in a way which is respectful to your partner and the relationship.  

[CityGurl]

9 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Who’s saying? Every relationship is a risk - even your relationship with your boyfriend is a risk. This is why it’s important to do your due diligence when assessing potential partners and chose your relationship partners wisely. 
 

It’s ok to want to explore different options. This is what your twenties are all about - you have different relationships and you learn about yourself/relationships. As I said above, what you don’t have the right to do is to explore other options while using your boyfriend for the stability/security he offers. That’s a cruel thing to someone. Best to end one relationship before beginning another…

I agree, but I've always been afraid to be alone. But lately, ever since George came along, I really just want to get to know myself more and be alone. Even though I know my bf really knows me. How can I need to get to know myself when he knows everything about me?

 I don't really want to pursue anything with George, just get to know him, spend time with him.

I'm afraid of breaking up because I'm afraid of things just repeating themselves with other guys. That's why, if we break up, I'll be single for awhile, get to know people, not just jump into relationship after relationship. However, I feel like I'm only 22 so maybe I just haven't found the right person yet. Or, maybe my bf and I just need a break for me to find out that we are made for each other.

 

10 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Getting crushes while we are in a relationship is normal.  It will happen again at some stage in your life.  The trick is how to handle the crush in a way which is respectful to your partner and the relationship.  

hmmm. So if I wanted to see George, it should be a break up not just a break.

I'm a horrible person.

 Here's what my body parts are telling me:

Brain: stay with bf. If you don't you could regret it. 

Guts: You need time alone. You've never been alone, you need to explore other things. Be single. 

Heart: I feel bad for my bf, and his family. Who am I to hurt him? But, do you want to be with him still?  

Hormones: spend time with George but break up with bf, you know you want to.  

[BaileyB]

8 minutes ago, CityGurl said:

But lately, ever since George came along, I really just want to get to know myself more and be alone.

It seems pretty clear that your need to “be alone” is really just a need to make yourself available to spend time with the new guy. 

10 minutes ago, CityGurl said:

I don't really want to pursue anything with George, just get to know him, spend time with him.

Let’s be honest here, you do not have a platonic interest in this man. Why do I say that? 

18 minutes ago, CityGurl said:

Hormones: spend time with George but break up with bf, you know you want to.  

 

12 minutes ago, CityGurl said:

Or, maybe my bf and I just need a break for me to find out that we are made for each other.

Life isn’t an episode of Friends. People don’t take breaks to date other people and then discover that their partner is their soul mate. This is rather naive and not really consistent with a mature and healthy relationship. 

[CityGurl]

omg you are right. 

I feel like if I really loved him I would say enough George, wouldn't text him or anything. That's what I've done in the past.

Maybe I just fell out of love with him.

I've never had any of this confusion or feelings before.

I wish this "George" never would have come along. I was fine before him.

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

What I’m saying is, if you decide to stay in your relationship you will need to maintain healthy relationships with other men. Your partner deserves respect and consideration and this means, you must respect appropriate boundaries with other men. Texting with another man while in a relationship is not maintaining a healthy relationship boundary. Meeting another man for lunch and possibly fitting is not maintaining a healthy boundary. It’s not like your intention is “platonic friendship” - you are assessing him as a potential relationship partner. And that is a very inappropriate thing to do when in a relationship. It’s a very disrespectful and unkind thing to do to your current boyfriend.

Who’s saying? Every relationship is a risk - even your relationship with your boyfriend is a risk. This is why it’s important to do your due diligence when assessing potential partners and chose your relationship partners wisely. 
 

It’s ok to want to explore different options. This is what your twenties are all about - you have different relationships and you learn about yourself/relationships. As I said above, what you don’t have the right to do is to explore other options while using your boyfriend for the stability/security he offers. That’s a cruel thing to someone. Best to end one relationship before beginning another…

This^.  All of it.  I find this situation so disheartening and actually a little sad.  

OP, just because you have not gotten physical with George, you are nevertheless cheating on your boyfriend.   Emotional cheating is every bit as hurtful and damaging as physical cheating, perhaps even more so as often times physical cheating is only about the sex, emotional cheating is about emotions and feelings you have for the other person, in this case George.

I am also curious as to why you gave your bad boy crush a name (George), and refer to him by name when speaking about him, but yet your boyfriend of four years is still referred to as your "bf."

You may not realize it, but that is quite telling and speaks to the level of respect (and attraction) you have for George and lack of respect and attraction you have for your boyfriend.  That you cannot even bring yourself to refer to him by name, even if it's only a fake name, like George is a fake name.  It's still a name.    But yet your boyfriend is "bf."

Please read @BaileyBfirst paragraph above again.  Cut and paste it to your fridge and read every morning until it sinks in.

Hopefully you will learn from this and vow to do better in your next relationship.

 

 

 

 

Edited June 24, 2022 by poppyfields

[CityGurl]

ok, so we'll call my bf "Bruce".  but I'm not sure I really understand your point on that.

But uuuuunnngghh!  you are speaking exactly as my heart sometimes speaks to me.

yes, I do feel obligated to be committed to Bruce because I feel like I would be a fool to break up with such a good guy. successful, stable, mature guys, there are not too many out there. And the guilt.   Yes, I feel totally guilty because my bf is a good bf. He hasn't done anything wrong to deserve the woman he loves to leave him.

I know what you're thinking- he hasn't done anything wrong to deserve being lied to either.

I've even looked at apartments.

And yet I definitely love him. Am I IN love? I can't tell anymore. We've been together for 4 years I think it gets to a certain point.

How can I tell?

I would love to say yes. I just don't know anymore.

I honestly used to think so.

 

[lonelyplanetmoon]

I feel for you.  I think we all have had these questions when we were young.

‘My advice is to follow your heart as to what you want.  And yes it is not a bad thing to be “selfish” when it comes to your feelings.  You know why?  Because you have a right to your feeling regardless of whether they are right or wrong.  When I was young I always was afraid to make decisions for myself because I always questioned whether I had a right to feel how I felt.  I only learned to own my feelings and to know they are mine and to learn to feel them and acknowledge them after some intense therapy at the age of 46!

My other advice to a 22 year old… you only have one life to live so take the courage and live it how you want not how other people tell you you should.  Yes you will make mistakes but I have NEVER made a mistake that I could not fix or caused me to regret.  You just learn to move forward and get stronger.

It is likely that both you and your bf will be happier in the long term if you break up.  This I am 99% sure on.  People move on from love and heartbreak and often find someone better for them.

[CityGurl]

Thank you very much. I really appreciate you sharing this. Sometimes its better to talk to someone that's neutral. Everyone I've talked to about this (friends, family) say do what makes you happy. I think breaking up and being on my own for a while really would make me happy but I'm scared and I don't want to hurt him.

I mean, I agree with you but maybe I'm making it a bigger deal when really it's not?  I just don't want to hurt Bruce and I'm so scared that I will look back and say, I shouldn't have done that (left him).

Edited June 24, 2022 by CityGurl

[poppyfields]

18 minutes ago, CityGurl said:

I think breaking up and being on my own for a while really would make me happy but I'm scared and I don't want to hurt him.

Given how you feel, you're hurting him more by staying though  I had to learn that as well when I was exactly your age. 

I had a boyfriend very much like yours, he treated me like gold, so kind, so caring, the man would probably have taken a bullet for me, but I just didn't love him, or rather I was not "in love" with him as the saying goes.  I did not enjoy having sex with him and would go through the motions of enjoying it just cause I knew that's what girlfriends do.

I knew I had to end it and I did.  He cried and cried and it was SOOOO hard seeing that, in fact it still haunts me to this day!  Watching this big strong strapping masculine man sobbing, literally.  What's interesting is that we were together for four years too, just like you and your bf.  So there are a lot of similarities.

Anyway, in the end, I did him a favor and eventually he met a woman that would become his wife, they have a family and last I heard he was very happy.

Everything happens for a reason and I now think this is why you met and became attracted to George.   I don't think you will end up with him BUT he did serve a purpose in your life as it has opened your eyes to realizing you and your boyfriend are just not meant to be.

Set yourself and him free and continue on your life's journey.  Living, learning, growing, evolving.

It's an often painful journey but filled with blessings and opportunities as well.

It's all good. 

 

 

Edited June 24, 2022 by poppyfields

[lonelyplanetmoon]

Yes we all fear the unknown.

‘When my bf of 15 years broke up with me out of the blue 4 years ago, I was devastated.  It was so painful and felt like torture.  But the truth was that I only feared the unknown.  We had so many things tie-ing us to each other.  I got used to my life with him.  So the break up made me face the reality that I needed to rebuild.  time heals all and I moved on.  Today, I look back and am glad he had the courage to break up with me.  As I realized I was not that happy in the relationship either.  I just convinced myself that I was.  

so, 2 more lesson, 1) work on facing your fear of the unknown.  

You are a millennial girl.  You can be independent and make your own decisions.  You have opportunities. You don’t need to depend on any man for your happiness.

2) the longer you stay with your bf, the more entangled you will be.  The harder it gets to leave.  
 

(Ok 3 lessons) 3) you are not the only girl in the world.  Your bf will get over it with time and move on. Just don’t linger to see him move on and you won’t feel the sting when the time comes.

expat is right, there are many great men out there.  Not just one.

 

 

[Brian1223]

26 minutes ago, CityGurl said:

Thank you very much. I really appreciate you sharing this. Sometimes its better to talk to someone that's neutral. Everyone I've talked to about this (friends, family) say do what makes you happy. I think breaking up and being on my own for a while really would make me happy but I'm scared and I don't want to hurt him.

I mean, I agree with you but maybe I'm making it a bigger deal when really it's not?  I just don't want to hurt Bruce and I'm so scared that I will look back and say, I shouldn't have done that (left him).

As much as it will hurt him, know that he will not struggle to find another partner in the future if he is as good as you say he is. Yes short term it will be awful, all break ups are, however long term its better to send him off in a direction to find someone who actually loves him enough to not emotionally cheat on him or be questioning their love for him at this level. 

[CityGurl]

poppy,  my problem is that I think everyone's right, I have a great guy and I'm an idiot to think about throwing him away and for what? Some other guy that doesn't even size up to my bf. Just last night he worked on my car for like 6 hours because it wouldn't start. I have a friend who's husband is a loser and would let the car die before he would fix it. So whoever said women like me are the reason that good men become dogs and players, they're right.

I don't really know what it is about George that I like or if I really even like him because it could just be a phase, I don't know. But I've felt like this for 3 weeks now.

George and I aren't talking anymore. We will see each other at mutual places from now on but he said we shouldn't talk anymore which is true. It's wrong. I don't know if breaking up with my bf is right though because we almost never fight,  and he makes me laugh all the time. He really is funny. and I know he loves me and I can count on him, rain cold or shine.  That was always important to me but lately it seems like something is missing.

[Alpacalia]

Decide what you want. I mean, I used to do this stuff in high school.

At 22 years old, you are an adult.

Do you like the "other guy" or is it just his attention that you like? 

Is he really into you or is he only trying to hook up with you, and then be unavailable for intimacy or a relationship? 

Even if you find a guy attractive and he seems to like you, that doesn't mean you have to have sex with him or enter into a relationship with him. 

That being said.

The fact that you no longer speak with George is a good thing because having crossed a line with him and having violated your values will only affect your self-perception and your self-worth. 

Edited June 24, 2022 by Alpacalia

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, CityGurl said:

I have a great guy and I'm an idiot to think about throwing him away and for what?

You're not throwing him away. You'd be letting go of something that is not working for you anymore.

And you'd be letting go to find your happiness. I broke up with a "good-on-paper" guy when I was about your age. We'd been together 5 years and lived together. We were great as teenagers, but as we grew up, we grew apart. I was not in love anymore and nowhere near ready to settle down. I knew I had to go. And it hurt him a lot, yes. 

But, now, 20 years later? I have never regretted it. The relationship had run its course, and I was ready to move on. I have had a couple long-term relationships in the interim with good men, including my current partner of nearly 8 years. That ex is now married with kids too, so he found his better match as well. 

It is extremely unlikely your boyfriend is the best you will ever have. Good men are not that rare. And the same is true for him. He deserves a woman who is just as into him as he into her. That isn't you any longer. And that's okay, but you need to cut the cord. I can just about promise you this relationship is reaching its end regardless of what happens with George. You're not invested anymore, which means there will be another George in the future. 

[LoveComplexity]

After the honeymoon phase Is over no couple will be crazy in love anymore that's just silly to expect.

The passion and excitement will wear down its only natural, we get comfortable with things once we know them more deeply, as humans we always want new shinny things, new toys to explore and get to know. It's new, it's exciting it gets our hormones rushing, who wouldn't want that. Eat the best food in the world every day and you will eventually get a bit bored of the same thing.

But being bored and comfortable and stable is not so bad, it only means that you are at the stage of the relationship where you need to work on it more, put more effort, instead of eating a margarita pizza add some fruit on it, change things up a bit, go do some exciting new things together, try new hobbies, go on romantic weekend trips.

Now of course like some people here say, you can have a great partner but you don't click or are not compatible in some very crucial areas  and that's huge obviously... but if that's not the case then leaving someone just because the spark has gone a bit or you are in a bit of a low point now is silly if you ask me, emotions are not static they are dynamic, and even in long term relationships you won't always feel like you love your partner, the feelings will come and go.

But love is a choice and a commitment to one person who you know is great and things click, you have an emotional connection, the sex is good, you trust him, respect him, you have the same goals and you want to spend your life with them.

And no relationship is perfect either you can't click 100% and that everything works perfectly.

But before someone leaves a great thing or relationship they should actually try to work on it, figure out what's missing, what they need from the relationship that they are not getting, communicate it to their partner, work together on improving things...if things don't improve maybe try couple counseling and once you actually put alot of effort into it and tried everything but things just don't work then start thinking that it might be best to end it, but it's silly how easily people end things nowadays.

And I see OP as the same, she was in this great relationship everything was great according to her now she meet some guy he is new and exciting obviously and seems to be a player who knows how to talk and excite girls and now she's all confused and hormones crazy and wild and thinking about some exciting romance movie with this guy, it's so immature honestly, even if your in a relationship ur gonna meet people your attracted too it's normal, but acting on it is another thing, it's disrespectful to your partner and it's very naive because In most cases people that act on it ruin their relationship.

I feel like you need to mature more in order to know what a good stable healthy relationship is and that it's work and not only sunshine and rainbow always, I feel like you are not quite ready to have that and eventually if not with George you will hurt your current boyfriend with some other new exciting guy.

 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, LoveComplexity said:

After the honeymoon phase Is over no couple will be crazy in love anymore that's just silly to expect.

Nobody suggested it was expected. Nobody suggested it needs to be sunshine and rainbows always, either. 

It's a given that things settle down over time. That's normal. But that's not what OP is describing. We also grow by learning to recognize when it's over and we need to move on, rather than force ourselves to stay where we're not happy. That doesn't make any sense either. It's stifles your growth as a person, especially when you're as young as OP was when she started dating her boyfriend. The vast majority of us don't meet our life partners at 18 years old.  If her relationship were as great as she claims, well, she wouldn't be here now. 

Leaving a relationship you're not committed to anymore is a mature choice.

Edited June 24, 2022 by ExpatInItaly

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, LoveComplexity said:

it's silly how easily people end things nowadays.

Eh, I would also argue that it's silly how many people cling on to dead relationships, too. 

[LoveComplexity]

35 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Nobody suggested it was expected. Nobody suggested it needs to be sunshine and rainbows always, either. 

It's a given that things settle down over time. That's normal. But that's not what OP is describing. We also grow by learning to recognize when it's over and we need to move on, rather than force ourselves to stay where we're not happy. That doesn't make any sense either. It's stifles your growth as a person, especially when you're as young as OP was when she started dating her boyfriend. The vast majority of us don't meet our life partners at 18 years old.  If her relationship were as great as she claims, well, she wouldn't be here now. 

Leaving a relationship you're not committed to anymore is a mature choice.

Yeah well, from her posts its all confusing to be honest, some suggest the relationship is great and shes happy but she is excited with this new fresh shiny thing, while other post suggest she is not really into the relationship and doesn't care much, so who knows, she seems to be a very confused girl, but then again at 22 thats not so odd.

[CityGurl]

4 hours ago, LoveComplexity said:

After the honeymoon phase Is over no couple will be crazy in love anymore that's just silly to expect.

The passion and excitement will wear down its only natural, we get comfortable with things once we know them more deeply, as humans we always want new shinny things, new toys to explore and get to know. It's new, it's exciting it gets our hormones rushing, who wouldn't want that. Eat the best food in the world every day and you will eventually get a bit bored of the same thing.

Yes. Absolutely that's what's missing. the passion, the excitement, the desire.  So the choice is mine, work it out or become single. The idea of being single seems very attractive to me lately and it's never have before. On one hand, love my bf, makes me laugh all the time but really somethings missing (love, passion, desire). Do I stay or move on to someone that I have that with?

Or not even move on to someone just give myself time to figure out what I really want in a relationship.

 I'm only 22, I feel like if I'm feeling like this now it's going to just get worse as I get older and stay with my current bf. Or am I wrong? Is this a phase?

I just feel like I shouldn't be so quick to loose my bf though because men like him come few and far between. Or so I've heard, never actually experienced much of other guys. Before him I had a bf for one year too but he was a jerk, definitely knew he was wrong. Then before that one I was in High school and had a high school bf but that was just young.

 

[CityGurl]

4 hours ago, LoveComplexity said:

I feel like you need to mature more in order to know what a good stable healthy relationship is and that it's work and not only sunshine and rainbow always, I feel like you are not quite ready to have that and eventually if not with George you will hurt your current boyfriend with some other new exciting guy.

Yes, and this...  I'm afraid that's what will happen.  George will go back to being a dick or whatever, blah blah, I'll be without my great bf.

and yet, here I am. Wondering.

I am such a whack job.

BTW, I don't think the drunk, cheating thing would happen because George and I have already been drunk together (with other people) and we've had the chance to at least kiss but we didn't.

He doesn't want to talk because it will have to be in secret and until I'm bf-less he knows that my cousins (his friends) are going to tell me to do the right thing. Basically, he doesn't want to sneak around but if it doesn't work out with my bf he would love to try us.

[Weezy1973]

2 hours ago, CityGurl said:

Do I stay or move on to someone that I have that with?

As people have said many times, the initial passion will always fade. Even when you find your partner attractive, the intensity fades and really it’s a good thing in many ways. In life it’s generally a bad idea to “chase feelings”.

 

2 hours ago, CityGurl said:

 I'm only 22, I feel like if I'm feeling like this now it's going to just get worse as I get older and stay with my current bf. Or am I wrong? Is this a phase?

You’re not wrong. It’s basically end the relationship now or end it sometime in the future. I’m a guy but was in a similar spot at your age. Was with a very kind, stable, loving woman, but not much attraction. I stayed too long (six years) as it was safe and comfortable. Don’t make the same mistake. 

[stillafool]

6 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

Even when you find your partner attractive, the intensity fades and really it’s a good thing in many ways.

True.  Otherwise your head would be in a cloud all the time and you couldn't get anything done.

[ItsTheDay]

This is a train wreck. You may be young, but you're old enough to know right from wrong. I'm not going to quote and reply to each quote, I'll just tell you how it is....

You won't tell your bf you're leaving him for another guy because you're selfish and in hopes he'll take you back when George is done with you.

George's plan is working exactly as planned. Hence the reason why you're here, saying what you're saying.

Do your BF a favor and leave him, and tell him the truth!  

The passion in your current relationship is gone because of you. You're taking your BF for granted and your attention is elsewhere. You're the problem. 

 

 

Edited June 24, 2022 by ItsTheDay