Boyfriend is great, so what's wrong with me?

[CityGurl]

So I probably have one of the best boyfriends ever. At least that what all my friends tell me. He is stable, mature, has a great job, and treats me like a queen. Basically, he’s the kind of guy your mom would want you to marry.

Him and I get along great together, sometimes I don’t feel like more than friends though because I am able to be myself 100% around him. We joke a lot and whatever.

As for our sexual relationship – I’m not as attracted to him as I used to be but we’ve been living together for 2 years so who would?

Then there’s this other guy I know. He’s a friend of my two cousins. He lives about an hour and a half away so I see him a couple times a month when I go stay up there with my cousin. Usually we just see each other out at the bar but I’ve seen him a couple times at other places too like my Aunt’s house.

He isn’t prince charming at first. My cousins both say don’t think about him, he’s a womanizer blah blah. Well, I can definitely see where they are coming from but I know he doesn’t want to be like that anymore. He's polite to me and we get along very well. He used to be in a 5 year relationship and then for a while was just “dating” or whatever. He’s 30 and my bf is 29. We’ll call the non-bf George. Anyway, George tells me he really likes me, wants to see if something could work yadee yada. I definitely can’t picture him intentionally hurting me if he got the chance because on of mytwo cousins; he's good friends with one which is the one that can do some major ass kicking. So, I can’t picture George doing anything dumb because it would jeopardize his friendship as well not to mention get pounded on.

George and I have been texting for a couple of week’s everyday. We just talk about whatever. The problem is, I’m really starting to like him and I don’t know if it’s a bad idea. I was supposed to go have dinner with him twice but backed out because I changed my mind. I keep going back and forth between him and my bf. I love my bf but I really have feelings for George and wonder what if.

I almost broke up with my bf once already. I told him that I’m confused, really young to be settled (22) blah blah. All because I want to be single to spend more time with George and not be so scared about being caught. (Not that we've done anything.) Well, I didn’t have the heart to leave him and ended up staying. Then I told George that I don’t think we should talk anymore and he was mad but just told me not to call him anymore. He says this is no fun for him and I should leave him alone. Does he sound like a player or telling the truth that he really truly likes me?

Anyway, when I almost broke up with my bf, I didn’t tell him that there’s someone else even though he asked. I haven’t done anything with George except flirt and text him.

I feel like the only way out is to tell him that there’s someone else I have “confusing” feelings for and that it’s not fair to my bf that I don’t give him my 100%. However, I’m afraid that I’m going to regret it. Not only that but he really loves me and we have a life together. I'm just very attracted to the idea of being able to kiss George and talk to him without hiding it.

A little part of me feels even worse because my bf is the ideal bf, good job, house, etc. But I really have feelings for George.

I can’t decide. 
 

[basil67]

Your cousins are right about George being a womanizer.  Do you need any more evidence than that fact that he's trying to get into your pants when he knows you've got a boyfriend?  Sure, he says all the things you want to hear, but that's what womanizers do.  It's why they are so successful. 

That said, it probably is time to reconsider the relationship with your BF.  You sound young, and at only two years in, the two of you should still be at it like rabbits.   What are the pros and cons of being with your boyfriend?   

I recommend this approach: If you end things with your boyfriend because it needs to end, then you're free to have a fling with George.  It might turn into something more, or it may not.  But if leaving your boyfriend was the right thing to do anyway and you know that having a fling with a womanizer is a calculated risk you will be less likely to have regrets. 

[Ami1uwant]

Stop chasing the grass….it’s not all that greener.

 

he’s a womanizer because he’s a charmer. He’s nice to you be ause he wants to sleep with you.

 

i found this odd….you can be 100% around him means he’s your friend only?  I read being 100% open is what you want in a relationship.

Yes you are younger and you aren’t ready to get married and want to explore what’s out there is perfectly reasonable reason to end a relationship if you aren’t ready for marriage thing.

 

 

 

Edited June 23, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed quote

[CityGurl]

uuuuuhhhhhh!!!  I agree with everything you guys are saying.  It would be very risky for me to break up with my bf just to see what might happen with George. I could lose a really great bf who I know I could never replace, and end a nearly 4 year relationship, and end up very disappointed with George.  Or with any other guys I might date in the future.

It just seems easier to disregard my feelings for George and move on. Which I've tried, about a week ago when I told George that we shouldn't talk anymore. Then I texted him last night. Because I'm going up to my cousin's this weekend and I was just seeing if he'll be around. 

That's so wrong. 

So you think tell my bf about the other guy and see where it goes? 

I don't want to hurt him. I know that sounds stupid but I feel since I haven't told him he really hasn't been hurt. So selfish I know. 

When we were about to break up I asked him if it would have been easier if there was someone else and he said "well, it would be a better explanation".

I really just don't want to let my bf go because he's great. I feel like I'm going to regret it.

[poppyfields]

Per your thread title, what's wrong with you is you're no longer attracted to your boyfriend and cheating on him.  Yes cheating, emotionally which is every bit as wrong, hurtful and damaging as physically cheating.  

[ ] 

It's not OK, It's wrong and deceptive.  

It doesn't matter if George is a womanizer or not.  You're attracted to him and emotionally cheating on your boyfriend with him. 

THAT is the issue, not whether or not George is a womanizer.  It's the wrong thing to be focusing on. 

Do the right thing and break up with your boyfriend.  He may be a great guy but since you're not attracted to him, it doesn't matter how great he is. 

And no it's not normal to lose attraction after only two years; for many couples that's still the honeymoon stage! 

If it doesn't work with George then be alone for awhile and figure yourself out. 

For the record, I've been where you are.  Years ago, I broke up with my then-boyfriend for a man who was a "womanizer" and we ended up dating six years!

It was a risk but I knew developing an intense attraction for another man meant I was not meant to be with my then boyfriend.

All the best. 

Edited June 23, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
group berating

[ShyViolet]

"George" is a completely separate issue.  Putting that aside for a second...

You need to break up with your boyfriend, like now.  You are clearly not into this relationship and not that attracted to him.  Everything you say about your bf sounds so lukewarm and disinterested.  You are trying to convince yourself that your boyfriend is great just because your friends say so, because he has a good job, because he treats you well.  But you're not into him.  Stop wasting his time.  Stop wasting your own time in a relationship that is going to self-destruct eventually anyway.  This is not how a relationship should be, especially not at the young age of 22.  My goodness, at 22 you should be super passionate about who you are with.

[Alpacalia]

George sounds like Charlie Sheen, capable of some fun, but that's about it.

When you feel immense stress and regret because you have to be "loyal" to your current boyfriend and not see the other guy, this isn't natural. 

Tell your boyfriend how you feel about "George." Let him know the feelings you have, but you have no intention of acting on them. Let him decide what he chooses to do with that information. It could go badly or he could shrug it off. If your boyfriend cannot abide the thought that you might feel strongly about another person, then you'll have to discuss that issue at great length because if you don't, this will continue to cause problems for you in your relationship.

Don't indulge in that dangerous fantasy of another relationship while enjoying the security and safety of your current relationship. That’s a form of unfaithfulness.

Edited June 23, 2022 by Alpacalia

[ExpatInItaly]

You need to end your relationship with your boyfriend. 

He might be great on paper, but it's clear he isn't right for you. You are only 22 and have been together 4 years - and now you have outgrown him and are no longer into him. Why do you think you could never replace him? There are a lot of good men out there and one who will be a better match for you because you will be into him, as well. You don't have those feelings for your boyfriend so you need to tune out the people who are trying to convince you to stay. You know you're not into it anymore. 

And that's okay. But what you're doing with George is not okay. It's inappropriate, and you are going to cause even more hurt if you keep it up. Break up with your boyfriend, because your relationship with him is toast anyway, but don't expect George to be your next boyfriend. He might fun for a little while but the likelihood of it developing is low. 

Regardless, you need to be single. You are no longer committed to your relationship and George isn't really the problem. He's a symptom of it. 

[basil67]

3 hours ago, CityGurl said:

So you think tell my bf about the other guy and see where it goes? 

Considering that it's nothing more than a crush, don't hurt him unnecessarily.  Instead, figure out if you want to be with him long term or not....and if you choose long term, cut George off.   If George keeps messaging you, block him. 

I also agree with @ExpatInItaly that you've outgrown your boyfriend.  It's was a lovely college-age relationship, but do consider if it's time to move on.  At the very least, you both deserve someone who's really into you.

[Alpacalia]

Your relationship with George is starting to cross certain boundaries (you're hiding exchanges between you and your crush), so yes, you should consider talking to your boyfriend.

Moreover, it appears that your boyfriend suspects something already. Otherwise, he wouldn't have asked you.

Break up with your boyfriend if you don't want to be with him.

 

[CityGurl]

4 hours ago, basil67 said:

Considering that it's nothing more than a crush, don't hurt him unnecessarily.  Instead, figure out if you want to be with him long term or not....and if you choose long term, cut George off.   If George keeps messaging you, block him. 

I also agree with @ExpatInItaly that you've outgrown your boyfriend.  It's was a lovely college-age relationship, but do consider if it's time to move on.  At the very least, you both deserve someone who's really into you.

0Uuuuhhhhh again! 

This makes me feel so bad. 

George is the total opposite of my bf. I would really be losing out on a great guy forever if this goes through. 

So basically I should tell him about my feelings for the other guy but do I tell him that I want to forget about George or break up and keep seeing George. 

I just don't want this to keep happening. The kind of guy my bf is comes few and far between. But I feel like that's no reason to stay when my mind is somewhere else.

[basil67]

5 minutes ago, CityGurl said:

So basically I should tell him about my feelings for the other guy but do I tell him that I want to forget about George or break up and keep seeing George. 

So basically, you misunderstood my post.
 

Your boyfriend does not need to know about George or your feelings. Rather, you need to decide if you want to stay with your boyfriend.  If you don’t, then excuse yourself gracefully and then decide which path you wish to pursue. 

 

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, CityGurl said:

 Boyfriend is great, so what's wrong with me? 

We’ve been living together for 2 years so who would? I almost broke up with my bf once already. I told him that I’m confused, really young to be settled 22

There's nothing "wrong" with you. You simply feel trapped in domestic drudgery because you settled down way too young for way too long. In a way you are already emotionally cheating so it may be best to free yourself from living together and explore your life and happiness.

Try not to uses a checklist to decide when you're heart isn't in it. Try not to use your BF as a security blanket while you explore your options behind his back.

Edited June 23, 2022 by Wiseman2

[introverted1]

30 minutes ago, CityGurl said:

So basically I should tell him about my feelings for the other guy but do I tell him that I want to forget about George or break up and keep seeing George. 

Just break up with your bf since it's clear your interest lies elsewhere.  Even if nothing comes of it with George, the fact that you are not in love with your bf is all you need to know. There is no need to add the cruelty of telling him you already have your sights on the next guy.

Also, if I'm reading this right, you were 18 when you met your bf, and he was 25?  If he has any sense, he'll know that this was never meant to be forever.

 

[glows]

What’s causing you to drift from your boyfriend? According to you, he’s great but it doesn’t seem the case. Has the relationship lost its spark? Has your boyfriend stopped making much of an effort? Do you feel it’s too rushed and you’re feeling pressured to settle down or go through with the next steps of engagement, marriage, kids?

Before you completely throw the towel in with your boyfriend I’d urge you to straighten yourself out and ask yourself what it is you are running away from in your relationship. If you don’t know you will be running all your life and sabotaging relationships without a clue why you’re doing so and hurting others and yourself. 

George is a man with little to no conscience and a dime a dozen. Kissing him will be like kissing any other man and less attractive once the GIG feeling wears off. At the moment you are using George to run from something else. He’s nothing but an empty vessel in all this. 

Edited June 23, 2022 by glows

[Weezy1973]

OP, your boyfriend might be a wonderful, commitment minded “husband material” guy, but you’re only 22 years old. You’re right, you’re too young to settle down. That as much as anything might be the problem here. Break up with your boyfriend. Whether or not anything happens with George is irrelevant.

[mark clemson]

15 hours ago, CityGurl said:

As for our sexual relationship – I’m not as attracted to him as I used to be but we’ve been living together for 2 years so who would?

I'm not a huge fan of "red pill" thought generally, but I am getting a bit of a "Beta Buck" vibe here? Perhaps I'm wrong...  You could consider researching this concept online to see if it applies. Just beware of falling into the full "red pill" logic rabbit hole - like most things there is some truth to some of it sometimes, but there is also IMO a LOT of distorted reasoning/over-application of the logic. Our brains make us prone to over-generalizing.

It's true that 22 you may be a bit young to settle down.

[stillafool]

George isn't going to be the last "hot" guy you meet and want to get to know before you marry.  Break up with your bf so you can be free, you're only 22 once so enjoy it.

[ExpatInItaly]

8 hours ago, CityGurl said:

The kind of guy my bf is comes few and far between.

Not really. This is your youth and inexperience speaking. 

There are a lot of great guys out there. He might be a wonderful man, yes, but it's not going to work when you just don't feel the same way anymore. Telling him about George and your desire to forget him is pointless. 

You're already very checked out of your relationship. 

[LoveComplexity]

6 hours ago, glows said:

What’s causing you to drift from your boyfriend? According to you, he’s great but it doesn’t seem the case. Has the relationship lost its spark? Has your boyfriend stopped making much of an effort? Do you feel it’s too rushed and you’re feeling pressured to settle down or go through with the next steps of engagement, marriage, kids?

Before you completely throw the towel in with your boyfriend I’d urge you to straighten yourself out and ask yourself what it is you are running away from in your relationship. If you don’t know you will be running all your life and sabotaging relationships without a clue why you’re doing so and hurting others and yourself. 

George is a man with little to no conscience and a dime a dozen. Kissing him will be like kissing any other man and less attractive once the GIG feeling wears off. At the moment you are using George to run from something else. He’s nothing but an empty vessel in all this. 

I agree, good point...

Most people tend to give up too soon and easy when the passion wears down a bit (which is normal).

Or other issues develop in the relationship and instead of talking them through and solving them or trying to work on them, people are too immature and just feel things are not the same anymore and give up or look for other exciting things like with George in this case, instead of actually putting effort into the relationship to try to improve it or tell the other person what you are lacking..

[CityGurl]

5 hours ago, mark clemson said:

I'm not a huge fan of "red pill" thought generally, but I am getting a bit of a "Beta Buck" vibe here? Perhaps I'm wrong...  You could consider researching this concept online to see if it applies. Just beware of falling into the full "red pill" logic rabbit hole - like most things there is some truth to some of it sometimes, but there is also IMO a LOT of distorted reasoning/over-application of the logic. Our brains make us prone to over-generalizing.

It's true that 22 you may be a bit young to settle down.

omg, I just read what a Beta Buck is and I can see why someone might say that.  But I'm not going to let my bf become a security blanket which is why I can't decide.  I don't want to make a wrong choice.  Stay with my bf, and wonder "what if" forever or however long.  Or leave and take a chance on a guy.

I definitely know that my brain is with my bf. Like I said, great guy.

I honestly keep going completely back and forth. Sometimes, I'm like, yep, staying with my bf is definitely the right thing, we laugh together, we live together, I take his dog to daycare on Wednesdays, I like his family, they like me (a lot), etc.

And then, I wait for George's texts and I daydream about how it could be if I went up there (my cousin's) see him out or go on a date with him and be able to kiss him in front of people.

Uuuugggghhhh. I'm so stressed. I feel like I know what I want but I definitely don't want to do it. (be single).

I've always liked the "married life", stable, comfortable, etc. But I just have this streak of needing to be on my own, George made that come out.

[basil67]

While you choose to stay with your boyfriend, having this type of relationship with George is inappropriate.   I know it feels good to have him flirting with you, but even if you leave your boyfriend, George will be there for a good time, not a long time.  

[spiritedaway2003]

Forget George. Take him out of the picture. You're not choosing between your boyfriend and George - they are two separate issues. 

You know George likely won't last and will likely cause you heartache.  Pursue at your own risks. 

You know that your boyfriend is a "great" boyfriend, at least according to your and society's standard.  However, if you're not attracted to him the way romantic partners do, it really doesn't matter how "great" he is to everyone else or how your families got along or how he treats you well.

You are young.  If you settle down with him because he is a "good guy", someday you will come across someone that is a much better match for you, and you will be tempted in much the same way you do with George now. 

Date around and find a "good" guy -  who also makes your heart flutter like George.

George isn't it.

Your boyfriend isn't it, either.

Edited June 23, 2022 by spiritedaway2003

[BaileyB]

22 hours ago, CityGurl said:

Then there’s this other guy

Ah, drama… Not surprising. “I have the best boyfriend ever but I’m not attracted to him anymore because there is this other “bad boy” who has caught my eye…

22 hours ago, CityGurl said:

I feel like the only way out is to tell him that there’s someone else I have “confusing” feelings for and that it’s not fair to my bf that I don’t give him my 100%.

Please do. Give him the opportunity to date someone who appreciates him for who he is and all that he brings to the relationship. 

20 hours ago, CityGurl said:

It would be very risky for me to break up with my bf just to see what might happen with George. I could lose a really great bf who I know I could never replace, and end a nearly 4 year relationship, and end up very disappointed with George. 

“I want to keep my security blanket while exploring other options.” That’s a very selfish thing to do, very unkind to your boyfriend. Again, you need to end your relationship with your boyfriend - it is the kindest thing you could do for him. 

Edited June 23, 2022 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, CityGurl said:

I wait for George's texts

This is very inappropriate when you are in a committed relationship with another man. 

1 hour ago, CityGurl said:

I just have this streak of needing to be on my own, George made that come out.

Would you feel the need to be single and available if this other man hadn’t come along? The fact that he is in the picture affects your ability to evaluate your relationship and your thoughts/feelings. It’s like you have tunnel vision - this other guy on the brain. No man can compare to the excitement of someone new who draws your attention… If you are so easily swayed, it demonstrates that you are not invested and committed to your relationship. It’s time to end it and pursue other options. Nothing wrong with that - you are young, this is what young people do. What you don’t have the right to do is stay in your relationship while texting another man and pursuing/building another relationship.