busybee44 Posted June 22, 2022 Posted June 22, 2022 (edited) I’ve been together with my boyfriend for 2.5 years, but he is very socially awkward. He’s not a natural conversationalist, and the only person he is truly himself around is me. With my family and friends, he tends to only speak when spoken to, he ‘never knows what to say’, his questions are forced, and he has still never loosened up. My family are extremely easy going and open with one another, so it is exhausting for them to try to make conversation with him! He also lacks the basic manners of saying ‘hello’ or ‘good morning’ to someone when he enters a room. He will enter the kitchen in the morning, and get on with his breakfast without greeting anyone. This is a particularly contentious point with my family. How can I address this? He’s very receptive to any issues I bring up with him, but it’s a bit difficult to bring up someone’s manners! Any help appreciated:) Edited June 22, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Happy Lemming Posted June 22, 2022 Posted June 22, 2022 Your boyfriend is who he is... He prefers a quiet existence and wants to keep to himself. I'm guessing he is an introvert and he's OK with that fact. 19 minutes ago, busybee44 said: He also lacks the basic manners of saying ‘hello’ or ‘good morning’ to someone when he enters a room. I'm sure he knows what basic manners are, he has decided not to use them. 18 minutes ago, busybee44 said: How can I address this? You don't. Accept him the way he is or move on. If this is something he wants to change (about himself) he'll do it on his own. Leave him be.
basil67 Posted June 22, 2022 Posted June 22, 2022 If your boyfriend's social skills are awkward to a high degree, it's likely he truly is oblivious to social skills. Some of us learn them instinctively, some can learn by observation and some people need help to differing degrees. For example, I've struggled a little bit and have learned with having things pointed out and by observing others. The social skills of my 25yo son warrant a diagnosis and he needs therapy with a speech and language pathologist. It's amazing all the high level language skills they teach. Discussing someone else's social skills is difficult, but I would approach the issue because he may have no idea how he's appearing to others. Perhaps you could broach the subject by talking about how you've noticed that he's very quiet when with your family and ask if he's comfortable. You could then segue into it appearing that he's not enjoying their company and see where the conversation leads. That said, if his questions are already forced, him working to make more conversation without learning how to converse isn't going to help - it's just going to be more forced. Or if you do find out that he's not comfortable, perhaps all concerned would be happier if you visit on your own sometimes. If he knows it's a problem and really wants to fix it, there is help. Let me know if you want to talk more about options.
Wiseman2 Posted June 23, 2022 Posted June 23, 2022 11 hours ago, busybee44 said: He will enter the kitchen in the morning, and get on with his breakfast without greeting anyone. This is a particularly contentious point with my family. How old is he? Why is he having breakfast with your parents? Do you live together? Are you from the same culture? Perhaps you and your family are more outgoing and talkative, but that is not who he is. Unfortunately it seems like you are incompatible if you hope to change his personality to suit your parents.
glows Posted June 23, 2022 Posted June 23, 2022 18 hours ago, busybee44 said: I’ve been together with my boyfriend for 2.5 years, but he is very socially awkward. He’s not a natural conversationalist, and the only person he is truly himself around is me. With my family and friends, he tends to only speak when spoken to, he ‘never knows what to say’, his questions are forced, and he has still never loosened up. My family are extremely easy going and open with one another, so it is exhausting for them to try to make conversation with him! He also lacks the basic manners of saying ‘hello’ or ‘good morning’ to someone when he enters a room. He will enter the kitchen in the morning, and get on with his breakfast without greeting anyone. This is a particularly contentious point with my family. How can I address this? He’s very receptive to any issues I bring up with him, but it’s a bit difficult to bring up someone’s manners! Any help appreciated:) It's one thing to not be a natural conversationalist and another to completely ignore others in a room. It's lack of social awareness or acknowledging others. Is he afraid or fearful? With so little information and one instance of this happening it's hard to determine what exactly is going on with him. If you brought up the suggestion to offer a greeting in the morning to others like Good morning or Hello, how do you think he'll take it? Is it possible he grew up a neglected child or around little/no adults? I don't see why it's so difficult to bring this up if he's receptive in general to any issues. You might get to the root of why he behaves the way he does and have a better idea of whether you see yourself in a relationship with him. Less resentment builds in your relationship with more understanding. I can't imagine walking on eggshells worried about a partner not being able to handle themselves socially on such a basic level. You also have to ask yourself what you're looking for in a relationship.
Ami1uwant Posted June 23, 2022 Posted June 23, 2022 20 hours ago, busybee44 said: I’ve been together with my boyfriend for 2.5 years, but he is very socially awkward. He’s not a natural conversationalist, and the only person he is truly himself around is me. With my family and friends, he tends to only speak when spoken to, he ‘never knows what to say’, his questions are forced, and he has still never loosened up. My family are extremely easy going and open with one another, so it is exhausting for them to try to make conversation with him! He also lacks the basic manners of saying ‘hello’ or ‘good morning’ to someone when he enters a room. He will enter the kitchen in the morning, and get on with his breakfast without greeting anyone. This is a particularly contentious point with my family. How can I address this? He’s very receptive to any issues I bring up with him, but it’s a bit difficult to bring up someone’s manners! Any help appreciated:) Is it culture isdue? Is there a language barrier like English is a second language? have you talked to him about how he feels when seeing your family? how is he at home just with you? it’s possible he has aspergers which means he has poor social cues and he is not much of a conversationalist unless it comes to topics he’s very passionate about then he talks forever. people like myself are not morning people and need to wake up first. When I wake up I’m still half asleep. 1
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