Parents turning their back on me

[thr1986]

Hello,

im 35 years old, male. I grew up with two younger sisters. My parents have been married since before I was born, still together. My dad is very much a controlling type. Always used intimidation and control methods to control the family. He never let us have a relationship with my moms family. They didn’t like him and he always kept us away from them. My dads family is non existent. He’s an only child. His dad died in the 70s and his mom lived until 2004 when she died of natural causes in her mid 80s.

 

my dad owned a business. Was always gone working. Always coming and going at his ease. Taking trips with guy friends all the time. Gone most weekends etc. my mom was always home with us kids. Me and my two younger sisters. My mom never had any friends that I can remember. I remember one time she wanted to go on a trip with some of the wives of my dads friends and my dad wouldn’t let her. He’s a small man if you ask me. Operates on fear and has to control eveything. Needs everyone to be dependent on him. But he’s still my dad and I’ve grown up just as he wanted me to be, dependent on him even though I’ve been completely financially independent since I graduated from college at 21. My dad was an alcoholic. He stopped drinking about 3 years ago. But my whole life at home he drank heavily. He could get away with it. He owned a company which required only oversight on his side. He reported to no one. He did whatever he wanted. I remember many fights when I was younger between him and my mom over the types of matters. My mom was always silenced and told she had no money or anywhere to go. He controlled her. She silenced eventually and with the help of my dad was diagnosed with anxiety Disorder. She’s been medicated now for years and my dad is very proud of the work he’s done to help her find the proper medication. I believe it’s bullshit and he’s made her miserable. But that’s a different story.

 

im writing here today because in the past two years I developed an unhealthy drinking habit. It’s never caused me to lose my job or interrupted life in any major way but it’s a problem so I looked for help. I went to rehab, for a month and delt with the problem. I’ve been sober since. After rehab, having learned a lot there about why I was drinking- I felt like unsettled resentment towards my dad was to blame. I, along with the help with a therapist, felt that perhaps talking about it would help. It would help me feel better to discuss it and be acknowledged. I brought up these things with my dad. He flipped out and won’t talk to me anymore. My mom is not talking to me either. She will answer when I call but that is all. No call backs and just very short conversation. It hurts really really bad. I’m having a lot of trouble dealing with it and I don’t want to drink again. I’m staying strong but wow the rejection hurts. I don’t think I did anything wrong but bring up difficult topics with my dad which he knows is true. Maybe the truth in them is what bothers him. I think so. But what should I do. Just leave them be or keep trying to contact them?

[stillafool]

15 minutes ago, thr1986 said:

But what should I do. Just leave them be or keep trying to contact them?

I'm so sorry you're going through this.  Since they won't return your calls and your Dad won't talk to you I'd pull back and stop contact with them for a while.  It's doubtful your father can or will answer any questions you have for him.  Back then men thought as long as they were providiing well for their family they could do as they wanted as long as they weren't having an extramarital affair and women were more submissive than today.  Let me ask you, if you are financially independent, what did you mean you are dependent on your Dad?  How and why?  If you are dependent on your father you do need to distance yourself so you can learn to depend on only yourself.

Edited June 22, 2022 by stillafool

[Wiseman2]

24 minutes ago, thr1986 said:

My dad was an alcoholic. He stopped drinking about 3 years ago. But my whole life at home he drank heavily.

I went to rehab, for a month and delt with the problem. I’ve been sober since. 

Sorry this happened. Focus on your sobriety, not mending a relationship with them, particularly blaming drinking on them. Just stay in your support groups and distance yourself from them if they are in denial of long-standing issues they don't want  addressed.

[SingFish]

You are financially independent and also free of your parents' worldview. Now you're sober. 

4 hours ago, thr1986 said:

I, along with the help with a therapist, felt that perhaps talking about it would help. It would help me feel better to discuss it and be acknowledged.

This is why we talk about difficult things with a therapist not our loved ones. It would be lovely if something very important to you brought you all closer but it's not for now.

At 36 'keeping in touch' with parents is sending birthday and Christmas cards and going to occasional events. 

4 hours ago, thr1986 said:

I’m having a lot of trouble dealing with it and I don’t want to drink again.

There will always be some challenge which potentially triggers the thought of drinking, just don't and deal with your emotions.

I understand why you needed to inform your parents how difficult their behavior was when you were younger, so you can move on, but you're not part of their family unit now, they got on with their lives you got on with yours. 

You don't need specific other people's specific approval ( or disapproval ) for your decisions and achievements.

And they don't need yours:

4 hours ago, thr1986 said:

She’s been medicated now for years and my dad is very proud of the work he’s done to help her find the proper medication. I believe it’s bullshit and he’s made her miserable. But that’s a different story.

That said, well done, you did great 🎖️ Keep going!

[mark clemson]

Unfortunately you can't make other people accept you. Accept yourself and look for people who can and do accept you. IF your parents one day come around that will be great, but unfortunately it's simply not guaranteed.

IF you can build a great life for yourself e.g. with a good job and family, your parents' acceptance/non-acceptance may not mean less to you, but it will have less impact on you in practical terms. If they then "come around" the ball will be in your court as to whether you accept them into your life (at that point).