Love and infatuation?

[Nur]

My boyfriend and I have a very close relationship. We've known each other for years, and were good friends before dating. I was looking through the internet the other day, and saw this:

 

Infatuation is instant desire. It is one set of glands calling to another.

Love is a friendship that has caught fire. It takes root and grows, one day at a time.

 

Infatuation is marked by a feeling of insecurity. You are excited and eager, but not genuinely happy. There are nagging doubts, unanswered questions, little bits and pieces about your beloved that you would just as soon not examine too closely. It might spoil the dream.

Love is quiet understanding and the mature acceptance of imperfection. It is real. It gives you strength and grows beyond you to bolster your beloved. You are warmed by his/her presence even when he/she is away. Miles do not separate you. You want him/her nearer, but near or far, you know he/she is yours and you can wait.

 

Infatuation says, "We must get married right away! I can't risk losing you!"

Love says, "Be patient. Do not panic. Plan your future with confidence."

 

Infatuation has an element of sexual excitement. If you are honest, you can admit it is difficult to be in one another's company unless you are sure it will end - in intimacy.

Love is the maturation of friendship. You must be friends before you can be lovers.

 

Infatuation lacks confidence. When he/she is away you wonder if he/she is cheating. Sometimes you check.

Love means trust. You are calm, secure and unthreatened. Your beloved feels that also and that makes them even more trustworthy.

 

Infatuation might lead you to do things you will regret later, but love never will.

Love is an upper. It makes you look up. It makes you think up. It makes you a better person.

 

 

We fall into the Love category almost every time (besides the occassional doubt). But we can trust each other explicitly, and bring out the best in each other. We've seen each other's best and worst, and like each other anyway.

 

Just as I was starting to feel confident we had real love, though, I saw the part that said that infatuation is when you don't feel complete without some sort of act of intimacy.

 

That kind of concerns me, because it's true for us. Being with him is wonderful, but if he were to leave without a hug or a kiss, it wouldn't feel complete. We only see each other in person twice a week (and do a lot of talking on the phone) so maybe that has something to do with it -- like we are trying to cram a week's worth of kisses into three hours one day. Maybe that's one of the problems of a somewhat long-distance relationship.

 

But I don't know if being in love means that you have lots of desire for that person (every time I see him I want to be close to him -- hugging him, or kissing him, or just sitting near him), or if such a high level of that means you have only infatuation. But also, isn't that level of desire what separates love from friendship? It's really confusing, especially since we fell into the Love category almost every time.

 

There's also the thing about "miles don't separate us." For the most part that's true, but I find myself missing him a lot sometimes -- near the beginning of the week, when I know I won't see him for six days, and near the end, when I am looking forward to seeing him, and I know that he feels the same. Is that a bad sign?

 

We've been dating almost four months, by the way. Perhaps this is some sort of phase?

[Outcast]

Four months is usually too soon to be able to sort out whether it's love or infatuation. Check again after another eight months have passed.

[Hot Coco]

I don't think there's a set time in which you know it's love or infatuation. I think when you stop questioning which it is, then you know. I wouldn't put so much stock in an article.

 

My husband and I were engaged 4 weeks after we met. Seven months after that we were married. We celebrated our 10th anniversary in June.

 

I think a lot of it had to do with the fact that we were both in our 30's when we met. Had both been divorced once. By the time we met, we knew exactly what we were looking for and when we found it in each other, we just knew. I think we were instantly infatuated AND in love. We're still good friends and lovers.

 

No, it's not a bad sign that you miss him so much when you don't see him. We saw each other every night from the very start and we still missed each other during the day.

 

Give it time and you'll really just know.

[Outcast]

There will always be a flock of people who will tell you their tales of having known each other only a short time and found their soul mates. However there are an equal number of tales (probably double or triple the number) of people who were positive beyond doubt that they were soul mates after three or four months who later went on to find major differences and disagreements and break up.

 

It is possible that you two are perfect mates the way HC and her guy are, however if you're not, you need to get past the stage where infatuation may be blinding you to find out whether there are in fact major incompatibilities.

 

HC was lucky; most people are not. Do you honestly think that everyone who divorces was not as persuaded as you are now that they were 'madly in love'? Many were not but only found out after time.

 

The point is that if it's real, it will still be real after a year or two whereas if it's not, you'll find out, usually before the year is out. Four months is still the point where even couples who eventually break up may still think each other is 'perfect'.