AmyHershaw Posted June 22, 2022 Posted June 22, 2022 I've been single since the beginning of the last month. A few weeks ago, I met up with a guy who I met a couple of years ago at a house party where he'd flirted with me. He flirted with me again and we kissed a few times. He told me he liked me and wanted to take me out so we could get to know each other more. Straight away, I told him about a man I've been having a friends with benefits relationship with and it bothered him. Recently, he's grown to accept it and said he felt like he had competition. Him and I have spent a lot of time together. He's taken me to many places and he's said he thinks the world of me. I've told him that I like him and I see me and him possibly taking things further at some point, but at present I'm not ready for another relationship. He hasn't been single for much longer than I have. There's been another guy who I met a few months ago that has said he likes me and I've seen him a couple of times, we haven't kissed or held hands. I told the other guy who I've been spending a lot of time with about it because I wanted to be honest. He was very bothered by it and was saying every time we meet up that his head is messed up. When I asked him to explain why, he said he doesn't understand why I'm getting to know someone else when I've told him that I like him and I see things potentially going further at some point. He said he wouldn't get to know another female out of respect for me, but I told him I wouldn't mind if he did because we're both single. The other guy had been made aware of him and he'd said he didn't mind me seeing someone else. He kept saying he wanted me to call it off with the other guy and it to just be me and him and recently I have, but I felt like he was being pushy. The other guy was okay with me calling things off. He also has an issue with me having casual sex with anyone other than the guy I've already told him about which he's become more accepting of, because he knows it will never become anything more. He said he doesn't want someone who is sleeping with everyone and he doesn't understand why I'd want to when I've told him that I like him. I've tried telling him that I'm single so I can see who I want and I shouldn't be made to feel bad for it. We had a row the other day, during which he claimed I've been stringing him and the other guy along and I've been toxic and it's effected his mental health badly. I'm just unsure of how to perceive things. I can't tell if he's just jealous or it's controlling behaviour. While I understand where he's coming from, it has been a bit much too soon for me and I wanted to enjoy my freedom.
stillafool Posted June 22, 2022 Posted June 22, 2022 Well I have to say I don't blame him. You already have a FWB you're having sex with, another guy you're getting to know and this guy who wants a relationship. While I'm sure he appreciates your honesty who wants to get involved with someone who is already seeing 2 other people and having sex with one of them. I don't know if he's jealous or just a guy who likes to protect his health. What are you going to do? 8 1
glows Posted June 22, 2022 Posted June 22, 2022 I think you spoke too much and too soon, too many details about who you’re dating. It’s a common mistake for people on the rebound (TMI). I don’t see the men you’re seeing as controlling. You’re incompatible so leave him alone and stop seeing the one who doesn’t like you having casual sex. You’re not ready for a relationship so all this is casual. You may be giving mixed signals. 4
Ami1uwant Posted June 22, 2022 Posted June 22, 2022 You realize if he’s ok with your FWB then he is sleeping around too
Alpacalia Posted June 22, 2022 Posted June 22, 2022 (edited) 1 hour ago, AmyHershaw said: I'm just unsure of how to perceive things. I can't tell if he's just jealous or it's controlling behaviour. While I understand where he's coming from, it has been a bit much too soon for me and I wanted to enjoy my freedom. I'm pretty sure a lot of men out there would prefer not to get involved with a woman he is dating discussing other men she is currently sleeping with. Having said that, it doesn't sound as if you're ready to be exclusive. Set each other free. Edited June 22, 2022 by Alpacalia 2
vla1120 Posted June 22, 2022 Posted June 22, 2022 2 hours ago, AmyHershaw said: He also has an issue with me having casual sex with anyone other than the guy I've already told him about which he's become more accepting of, because he knows it will never become anything more. He said he doesn't want someone who is sleeping with everyone and he doesn't understand why I'd want to when I've told him that I like him. I've tried telling him that I'm single so I can see who I want and I shouldn't be made to feel bad for it. We had a row the other day, during which he claimed I've been stringing him and the other guy along and I've been toxic and it's effected his mental health badly. I'm just unsure of how to perceive things. I can't tell if he's just jealous or it's controlling behaviour. While I understand where he's coming from, it has been a bit much too soon for me and I wanted to enjoy my freedom. It sounds like he is ready for an exclusive relationship and you are not. Some people can continue to date multiple people at once. Other people do better just concentrating on one person at a time. You want to see multiple people at once, he wants to be exclusive. You're simply not a good match and I would tell him you're going to continue to see other people at will and if that's not for him, then you cannot see each other anymore. 1
Wiseman2 Posted June 22, 2022 Posted June 22, 2022 2 hours ago, AmyHershaw said: He also has an issue with me having casual sex with anyone other than the guy I've already told him about which he's become more accepting of, because he knows it will never become anything more. He said he doesn't want someone who is sleeping with everyone. If you feel he is judgmental of your newfound freedom and lifestyle, discontinue hanging out with him. However in the future, your sex life is your business, so don't casually discuss it with people you just met. 1
smackie9 Posted June 22, 2022 Posted June 22, 2022 (edited) You two are not compatible. Some people like to commit to dating just one person and some prefer to multi date. This guy was upset about your FWB, and hanging out with another guy...that should tell you he isn't right for you. You can't force him to accept with talk. He is how he is with dating. Of course he was being pushy...his heart was set on a relationship with you...now he is knocked over by you dating someone else. Cut this guy loose. Edited June 22, 2022 by smackie9
ExpatInItaly Posted June 22, 2022 Posted June 22, 2022 You two are completely incompatible. Instead of right-fighting about it, let each other go. You have totally different boundaries and expectations and it's not going to work.
ra_85 Posted June 22, 2022 Posted June 22, 2022 I think perhaps, there is a misalignment on what each of you are expecting from this connection. If you are not ready for something exclusive then I think you need to let him know where you are at and to have an open convesation with him. Maybe a compramise can be achieved, if you want that.
Author AmyHershaw Posted June 23, 2022 Author Posted June 23, 2022 (edited) On 6/23/2022 at 1:25 AM, stillafool said: Well I have to say I don't blame him. You already have a FWB you're having sex with, another guy you're getting to know and this guy who wants a relationship. While I'm sure he appreciates your honesty who wants to get involved with someone who is already seeing 2 other people and having sex with one of them. I don't know if he's jealous or just a guy who likes to protect his health. What are you going to do? Well, I've only been single since the beginning of the last month. I want to enjoy being single and having freedom for a while, it's too soon for me to be considering another relationship, especially when I'm still hurting after being emotionally and financially abused in my previous relationship that I was in for three years. I want to have some fun. He's been aware of that from the beginning, but has been telling me it's wrong yet when he was sleeping with another girl while seeing me, I never said a bad word about it. He even tried making me jealous by telling me details of what they'd done in the bedroom, but I didn't tell him details of me and my FWB because he said he didn't want to hear it. He was also bragging about it. We'd agreed to discuss things in person on Friday. But last night, while he was drunk, he was constantly calling me while I was out with my friends and he knew I was out with them. He was telling me I'm wrong for doing casual stuff while going on dates with him, I mentioned the other female he'd been doing stuff with and that he was bragging about it, but he said he'd decided to discontinue it. He said he wanted to talk to me about things and I said we'd agreed on doing that on Friday and I didn't want to talk about it while I was out with friends. He told me he didn't care, he wanted to talk about it. I asked him to stop and his reply was to verbally abuse me. I told him if he's going to speak to me like that then we're done and he proceeded to go on a rant about how I'm gaslighting him and I'm a toxic person and I lure men in and trap them. Then in a phone call later on, he wouldn't explain why he had acted the way he had, he was laughing whenever I said something he'd done that I didn't like and he called me a slag. He didn't have an adult conversation with me, he just resorted to name calling and trying to put me down. Edited June 23, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator language
Author AmyHershaw Posted June 23, 2022 Author Posted June 23, 2022 23 hours ago, glows said: I think you spoke too much and too soon, too many details about who you’re dating. It’s a common mistake for people on the rebound (TMI). I don’t see the men you’re seeing as controlling. You’re incompatible so leave him alone and stop seeing the one who doesn’t like you having casual sex. You’re not ready for a relationship so all this is casual. You may be giving mixed signals. True, I just wanted to be honest with him instead of keeping things from him. He said he appreciated it and would've been more bothered if I hadn't told him. I only accused him of being controlling, not the FWB and the other guy who said he liked me. I've only been single since the beginning of last month, so it's too soon for me to be considering another relationship, especially after I was emotionally and financially abused in my previous relationship that I was in for three years. I want to enjoy being single and have some fun.
Author AmyHershaw Posted June 23, 2022 Author Posted June 23, 2022 22 hours ago, Ami1uwant said: You realize if he’s ok with your FWB then he is sleeping around too Well, he was sleeping with another female and bragging about it. He tried making me jealous at one point by telling me details of what him and her had done in the bedroom, but I never told him about what me and the other guy had done. But since he's stopped sleeping with her, he's had an issue with my FWB.
Author AmyHershaw Posted June 23, 2022 Author Posted June 23, 2022 22 hours ago, Alpacalia said: I'm pretty sure a lot of men out there would prefer not to get involved with a woman he is dating discussing other men she is currently sleeping with. Having said that, it doesn't sound as if you're ready to be exclusive. Set each other free. True, I just wanted to be honest with him rather than keep things from him. And I'm not, because it's too soon for me, I've only been single since the beginning of last month. I was in an emotionally and financially abusive relationship for three years, I want to enjoy being single and have some fun till I feel like I'm fully healed and ready for another relationship. He was aware of this. 1
glows Posted June 23, 2022 Posted June 23, 2022 (edited) 27 minutes ago, AmyHershaw said: True, I just wanted to be honest with him instead of keeping things from him. He said he appreciated it and would've been more bothered if I hadn't told him. I only accused him of being controlling, not the FWB and the other guy who said he liked me. I've only been single since the beginning of last month, so it's too soon for me to be considering another relationship, especially after I was emotionally and financially abused in my previous relationship that I was in for three years. I want to enjoy being single and have some fun. Yeah, ditch the guy who isn't comfortable with your choices. It's not a slight on him but he needs to find another woman who's more on his wavelength. I don't think you need to tell people you're having sex with anyone else or dating anyone else. Use the blanket term of casual dating. This implies no exclusivity. Stop seeing anyone who seems a little too emotionally involved as you're not ready for that. Ideally you wouldn't be meeting men in the first place if you're not ready for a relationship but that's a whole other conversation. I'm of the belief of NOT using others to get over someone else. That's work you need to put into yourself. Of course on the other hand one might argue how are you to get over the past if you don't get on with living your life however you see fit. You haven't done anything wrong and neither has either of them, even the one getting upset whom you think is controlling. Just stop seeing him. He's never going to be ok with it and him expressing his emotions (which is completely ok) will be misread and misjudged as controlling. He's simply not comfortable dating you. Edited June 23, 2022 by glows
Author AmyHershaw Posted June 23, 2022 Author Posted June 23, 2022 (edited) 6 hours ago, glows said: Yeah, ditch the guy who isn't comfortable with your choices. It's not a slight on him but he needs to find another woman who's more on his wavelength. I don't think you need to tell people you're having sex with anyone else or dating anyone else. Use the blanket term of casual dating. This implies no exclusivity. Stop seeing anyone who seems a little too emotionally involved as you're not ready for that. Ideally you wouldn't be meeting men in the first place if you're not ready for a relationship but that's a whole other conversation. I'm of the belief of NOT using others to get over someone else. That's work you need to put into yourself. Of course on the other hand one might argue how are you to get over the past if you don't get on with living your life however you see fit. You haven't done anything wrong and neither has either of them, even the one getting upset whom you think is controlling. Just stop seeing him. He's never going to be ok with it and him expressing his emotions (which is completely ok) will be misread and misjudged as controlling. He's simply not comfortable dating you. I just don't understand why he wants to rush into another relationship and have one so soon after his previous relationship. It worries me that he's one of those people who has to be in a relationship and he pursued me because I'm now single. Yeah, I know it's my business, I just thought I was doing the right thing by being honest. He's been the only person who's been wanting exclusivity, the other one is a FWB and the other one just wants to get to know me and he understands I haven't been single for long. I'm happy to spend time with people and get to know them and if sex happens then it happens. My FWB knows the situation, he knows I'm just having fun and he's in the same boat. We don't feel like we're using each other because it's a mutual agreement. Well, there's him being bothered by things, but it's how he deals with it that bothers me. We'd agreed to have a discussion about things in person on Friday. I was out with friends last night and he knew I was, he was at the pub and he was constantly ringing me saying he wanted to talk about things. He then started messaging me and I asked him to leave it for Friday like wed discussed and I was out with friends. He said he didn't care, he wanted to talk about it then. I asked him to stop and he replied, [ ] Then when we had a conversation on the phone later, he couldn't explain why he'd spoken to me like that, he was laughing whenever I told him something he'd done that had bothered me and threw it all back on me, told me I'd been gaslighting him and my behaviour had been toxic and called me a [ ]. I don't understand how you can speak like that to someone you like and want to have a relationship with. He messaged me this morning saying sorry and suggesting me and him still meet up and talk about things on Friday. It seems like strange behaviour to me. Edited June 23, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator language 1
Alpacalia Posted June 23, 2022 Posted June 23, 2022 1 hour ago, AmyHershaw said: I want to enjoy being single and have some fun till I feel like I'm fully healed and ready for another relationship. He was aware of this. Sounds like a wise decision. You're newly single. So, enjoy it! 1
DKT3 Posted June 23, 2022 Posted June 23, 2022 A bit toxic, because you were kinda saying two things. I'm a little shocked that you don't understand why he is upset. I'm not necessarily saying you did anything wrong, just having a hard time understanding how you don't understand. 1
glows Posted June 23, 2022 Posted June 23, 2022 (edited) 7 hours ago, AmyHershaw said: We'd agreed to discuss things in person on Friday. But last night, while he was drunk, he was constantly calling me while I was out with my friends and he knew I was out with them. He was telling me I'm wrong for doing casual stuff while going on dates with him, I mentioned the other female he'd been doing stuff with and that he was bragging about it, but he said he'd decided to discontinue it. He said he wanted to talk to me about things and I said we'd agreed on doing that on Friday and I didn't want to talk about it while I was out with friends. He told me he didn't care, he wanted to talk about it. I asked him to stop and his reply was, to verbally abuse me I told him if he's going to speak to me like that then we're done and he proceeded to go on a rant about how I'm gaslighting him and I'm a toxic person and I lure men in and trap them. Then in a phone call later on, he wouldn't explain why he had acted the way he had, he was laughing whenever I said something he'd done that I didn't like and he called me a slag. He didn't have an adult conversation with me, he just resorted to name calling and trying to put me down. I just saw this OP. This is not acceptable at all. Please dump this person asap and strongly suggest you don't see or have anything to do with him again. His behaviour is totally abhorrent and verbally abusive. It doesn't matter that he was drunk. It's clear that he has no self-restraint at all and thinks that you living your life according to your choices is his ticket to abusing you. Anyone worth their salt would have simply ended things and gone your separate ways. He's abusing you now because you don't fit into what he wants in a relationship and thinks that you've trapped him. What a load of horsesh-t. Goodness, get rid of this guy. I don't think you need to see him again, imo. Edited June 23, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator edited quote 2
vla1120 Posted June 23, 2022 Posted June 23, 2022 With the way he treated you, he deserves a swift kick to the curb. Though you were just trying to do the right thing by being totally upfront, I think you've learned from this experience that you do not have to be so upfront with guys, other than to say you are only interested in a casual dating or FWB scenario. Everything beyond that is none of their business and if they show the slightest streak of jealousy like this guy did, kick them to the curb, too. 1
Author AmyHershaw Posted June 23, 2022 Author Posted June 23, 2022 2 hours ago, glows said: I just saw this, OP. This is not acceptable at all. Please dump this person asap and strongly suggest you don't see or have anything to do with him again. His behaviour is totally abhorrent and verbally abusive. It doesn't matter that he was drunk. It's clear that he has no self-restraint at all and thinks that you living your life according to your choices is his ticket to abusing you. Anyone worth their salt would have simply ended things and gone your separate ways. He's abusing you now because you don't fit into what he wants in a relationship and thinks that you've trapped him. What a load of horsesh-t. Goodness, get rid of this guy. I don't think you need to see him again, imo. It's a bit complicated because we have a mutual friend that we're both close to, so our paths might cross again at some point. I'll be civil, but he's certainly not someone I want to have a relationship with after he's acted like this. It worries me that he'd be like this in disagreements, which are inevitable in a relationship. Yeah, even though he was drunk, he still knew what he was doing. And sometimes, saying sorry just doesn't cut it, especially when he's making out we should sweep it under the carpet and act as if it never happened. That's it, if he truly couldn't cope with it, he could've agreed to be friends or just walked away, but he chose to stick around. He didn't even spend time with me or get to know me as a friend, he came onto me the first time I saw him after the breakup when I'd been single for a week. Then he was saying on that night I was going to be cutting off my FWB if me and him were to start spending time together.
Author AmyHershaw Posted June 23, 2022 Author Posted June 23, 2022 1 hour ago, vla1120 said: With the way he treated you, he deserves a swift kick to the curb. Though you were just trying to do the right thing by being totally upfront, I think you've learned from this experience that you do not have to be so upfront with guys, other than to say you are only interested in a casual dating or FWB scenario. Everything beyond that is none of their business and if they show the slightest streak of jealousy like this guy did, kick them to the curb, too. It does strike me as jealousy. When he was sleeping with another female as well as me at one point, he was bragging about it and telling his work colleagues and he said they called him a lad. He told me part of him did it because he wanted to make me jealous, but I told him as a newly single guy, if he wants to have a FWB then who am I to tell him he can't do it. He found it strange. Since they stopped seeing each other, he was telling me me wanting to do casual stuff with more than person is not normal behaviour and a lot of people agree with him. He was also making comments like "look at you, you've got all these guys after you."
Wiseman2 Posted June 23, 2022 Posted June 23, 2022 3 hours ago, AmyHershaw said: True, I just wanted to be honest with him rather than keep things from him. This kind of disclosure is for close trusted friends and family, not random people you recently met and don't really know. All you need to discuss with someone you contemplate dating is whether you prefer casual dating or an exclusive situation. Even though he blurted out that he sleeps around, there's no obligation for you to compromise your privacy or engage in TMI. 2
Ami1uwant Posted June 23, 2022 Posted June 23, 2022 4 minutes ago, AmyHershaw said: It does strike me as jealousy. When he was sleeping with another female as well as me at one point, he was bragging about it and telling his work colleagues and he said they called him a lad. He told me part of him did it because he wanted to make me jealous, but I told him as a newly single guy, if he wants to have a FWB then who am I to tell him he can't do it. He found it strange. Since they stopped seeing each other, he was telling me me wanting to do casual stuff with more than person is not normal behaviour and a lot of people agree with him. He was also making comments like "look at you, you've got all these guys after you." I have a feeling he wanted something more with you. Didn’t want to outright say it but hint at it.
Author AmyHershaw Posted June 23, 2022 Author Posted June 23, 2022 33 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said: I have a feeling he wanted something more with you. Didn’t want to outright say it but hint at it. He did, he said he wanted a relationship. I told him I wasn't ready for that yet as I've not even been single for two months yet and I want to enjoy it and work on myself and heal.
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