planetgrapes Posted June 21, 2022 Posted June 21, 2022 So I'd been seeing this guy for 9 months. Everything was going great for two months. He came with me to a fancy restaurant on my birthday and even invited me to his citizenship ceremony. We had loads of dates and were falling in love. The problems first started about two months in when he video called me and said he didn't know where the relationship was going. He admitted that he was in love with me but that his recent ex was asking for another chance and was considering going back. I couldn't believe how he could do this to me after all we'd had at that point. I was completely distraught. We stayed together though because he made a real effort to show he wanted me. But because I always thought he'd have a backup to go to this gave me massive anxiety. Everything was going great for a while. We had such great times together on valentines day and even had some professional couples photos together. But over a few days/weeks he just seemed to completely lose interest. We never went out in the evenings anymore and stopped making plans for the future. I should say at this point that he had never invited me to his house which I thought was really weird. His excuse was that he had a friend who was down on her luck who needed a place to stay because she had a bad credit rating. He lived in a one bed flat. So the time eventually came when he admitted to me that the person he was living with was his ex-girlfriend. They weren't together but she made him promise that he wouldn't throw her out of the house. All the time he had this commitment to someone else. After this we had a few massive arguments including one time where I exploded about how the ex girlfriend lies and how he was a massive hypocrite, always saying how we should be open with each other. Anyway we still made up after this and saw each other a few times after. I even went with him to see a house he was looking to buy. We were even talking about living together and having a family. Then on his birthday I woke up and found that he had blocked my phone number on both his work and home phone. I was completely distraught. We were video calling just 2 days before and even texting the night before. I thought we were going to spend our lives together and he just treated me like complete s***. I haven't even tried to contact him since because I truly truly despise him for what he's done to me. I've been in a depression for three weeks now and seeking treatment. Does anyone know what might have been going through his head to have blocked me on his birthday?
Alpacalia Posted June 21, 2022 Posted June 21, 2022 (edited) My goodness. That must have been a very difficult experience for you. I am sorry to hear that. This is just speculation, but he doesn't want to pretend to be in love if he isn't or make himself appear appreciative of whatever you give him or do for him that day. He is afraid it will all be too artificial for him and he doesn't want to feel that way on his birthday. So, rather than waiting to break up with you at a later date, he did it now to save himself all the unnecessary stress and unease. Either that or he's spending it with his ex-girlfriend. While you may never know what his true motivation was, it almost seems like you got caught in the crossfire between him and his ex. Whatever the case may be, it's a rotten thing to do. Making the decision not to contact him at the time was the right choice. Edited June 21, 2022 by Alpacalia
stillafool Posted June 21, 2022 Posted June 21, 2022 40 minutes ago, planetgrapes said: He admitted that he was in love with me but that his recent ex was asking for another chance and was considering going back. This was a lie. He told you he was in love with you to soften the blow. Men don't leave women they are in love with to go back to someone they're not unless they have been married for years and have small kids in tow. She found out he was cheating on her with you and all hell broke loose for him. He probably told her he wouldn't see you again if they could stay together and blocked you because he's too much of a coward to tell you the truth. When a guy won't take you to his place to spend the night just know something is off. 1
Author planetgrapes Posted June 21, 2022 Author Posted June 21, 2022 10 minutes ago, Alpacalia said: Thank you. I just don't understand how only days before we were talking about spending the rest of our lives together. Then he completely deleted me from his life. Its devastating. 1
Author planetgrapes Posted June 21, 2022 Author Posted June 21, 2022 6 minutes ago, stillafool said: This was a lie. He told you he was in love with you to soften the blow. Men don't leave women they are in love with to go back to someone they're not unless they have been married for years and have small kids in tow. She found out he was cheating on her with you and all hell broke loose for him. He probably told her he wouldn't see you again if they could stay together and blocked you because he's too much of a coward to tell you the truth. When a guy won't take you to his place to spend the night just know something is off. Hi thanks for your reply. That's not strictly true. I truly believe he was in love with me. He had genuinely split up with his ex and she knew about me. Apparently she had credit problems and couldn't find anywhere to live so he let her stay in the house. It's just I didn't know that she was his ex until the end. I just thought she was a friend. What I still don't get is the complete block from my life on his birthday when days before we were looking at houses together.
Alpacalia Posted June 21, 2022 Posted June 21, 2022 (edited) 33 minutes ago, planetgrapes said: Thank you. I just don't understand how only days before we were talking about spending the rest of our lives together. Then he completely deleted me from his life. Its devastating. He was putting along a great performance and when things got more serious, he decided to bail. It is entirely possible he was lying regarding the ex wanting him back and that he really was the one who wanted her back. Unfortunately, you do not know the entire story about him and his ex-partner, and you will likely never be able to fully comprehend it. Which just makes it all the more difficult. I believe that sometimes, despite everything going well, people may leave when things get serious. It's because of this that you may even feel loved by that person at first, but when the relationship becomes more intense, they bolt. Hopefully, as more time passes, you will be able to pick up on other aspects you may have missed. The hope is that that will help to explain things a bit more clearly to you. Edited June 21, 2022 by Alpacalia
ShyViolet Posted June 21, 2022 Posted June 21, 2022 I'm sorry but you really have yourself to blame for this.... you ignored massive red flags. Two months into the relationship he told you that he wasn't sure about the relationship and he was considering going back to his ex. That's the point where most people with good judgment would put an end to this. And then, unbelievably, when you found out that he was in fact LIVING with the same ex, and had been lying to you about it, you still stayed with him. I'm wondering why you have such low self-respect that you would settle for this? Or how you thought this dysfunctional situation was a normal relationship? Do yourself a favor and seek therapy so you don't repeat these same mistakes in the future. 3
ExpatInItaly Posted June 21, 2022 Posted June 21, 2022 4 hours ago, planetgrapes said: Does anyone know what might have been going through his head to have blocked me on his birthday? His "ex" found out and made him cut you off. They're probably back together and he didn't clue you in. You don't know the whole story about these two, I can promise you that. You've been played, sadly. 4 hours ago, planetgrapes said: He admitted that he was in love with me but that his recent ex was asking for another chance and was considering going back. You should have ended it right there. He was not as in love as he says, if his he was thinking about going back to her. 3 hours ago, planetgrapes said: He had genuinely split up with his ex and she knew about me. Apparently she had credit problems and couldn't find anywhere to live so he let her stay in the house. Accorinding to who, him? Remember that you cannot trust him. He is a dishonest person so it would be rather foolish to believe whatever version of this he was trying to sell you. But regardless, you really should have kicked him out of your life when you found out he was living with his ex. This dude was leading a double life. When a man is evasive about where he lives and you've never been to his home after 9 months and house-shoping...girl. Girl. It's a huge red flag. Don't ignore that sort of the thing in the future. And never stay with a guy who actually tells you he is thinking about going back with his ex. You need better boundaries for yourself. 2
glows Posted June 21, 2022 Posted June 21, 2022 Things likely got too heated for him and he needed to vacate the kitchen. It’s frustrating and sad for you because you believed his words and were duped early on and conditioned from the start, thinking he was someone to be trusted. You followed him right off the cliff with his lies. I feel for you but you’ve got to set yourself straight. Wake up from this fog and nightmare that keeps you tied to this person or wondering why he blocked you on your bday. He blocked you any which way he wanted any time because he could. If you mix with a dishonest certain crowd, dishonest or unwanted behaviour usually follows and you won’t be able to make sense of it because you are not like him. When you start dating again look out for major red flags like living with exes. Avoid like the plague and move on from this. Don’t stay in the past.
Wiseman2 Posted June 21, 2022 Posted June 21, 2022 8 hours ago, planetgrapes said: The problems first started about two months in. his recent ex was asking for another chance and was considering going back. Sorry this happened. You dodged a bullet. As you mentioned, only a couple of months were good, the rest was fraught with worries about his on/off GF, now live-in GF. Is it possible they were together the entire time?
Author planetgrapes Posted June 21, 2022 Author Posted June 21, 2022 6 hours ago, ShyViolet said: I'm sorry but you really have yourself to blame for this.... you ignored massive red flags. Two months into the relationship he told you that he wasn't sure about the relationship and he was considering going back to his ex. That's the point where most people with good judgment would put an end to this. And then, unbelievably, when you found out that he was in fact LIVING with the same ex, and had been lying to you about it, you still stayed with him. I'm wondering why you have such low self-respect that you would settle for this? Or how you thought this dysfunctional situation was a normal relationship? Do yourself a favor and seek therapy so you don't repeat these same mistakes in the future. I was in love 1
Annama Posted June 21, 2022 Posted June 21, 2022 I cant even imagine how this must feel for you. Can I ask how old are you and your bf? I know our judgment is clouded by love and possibilities. I am so guilty of that. But as others said the moment he mentioned his ex, second chances , you should have wished them luck. I cannot comprehend how in 9 months of intense relationship you never been in his house. That didnt raise your eyebrows? Even if he lives with a friend, so what? You are his woman or were you a secret woman? You did dodge a massive bullet! You will get better. Not in a day or a few but trust me, you will laugh soon at this foolishness. Something tells me they were always together but that's a speculation. You will hear from him soon and I hope you will be strong enough to resist it. Future faking is painful, especially if it is delivered in a nice package. Stay strong and write on here!
Author planetgrapes Posted June 21, 2022 Author Posted June 21, 2022 1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said: Is it possible they were together the entire time? It is yes given their lies anything could have been going on. But I really don't think so. We spent all day on valentines day together and were talking about having a family. Only a complete s*** would have been seeing their ex all along.
Annama Posted June 21, 2022 Posted June 21, 2022 Since you spent Valentine's together, I doubt she was on the scene than.
Author planetgrapes Posted June 21, 2022 Author Posted June 21, 2022 10 minutes ago, Annama said: I cannot comprehend how in 9 months of intense relationship you never been in his house. That didnt raise your eyebrows? Even if he lives with a friend, so what? You are his woman or were you a secret woman? Yes it was a massive thing for me but I never pressed it because I was so in love. I always wondered why I couldn't just got round for even an hour or two while the "friend" was out. They only finally admitted they never asked me round because they didn't want to rub it in the face of the ex that they were with me. The ex did know about me. Or so they said.
ExpatInItaly Posted June 21, 2022 Posted June 21, 2022 1 hour ago, planetgrapes said: .Only a complete s*** would have been seeing their ex all along. I think that’s exactly the type of man you’re dealing with here. 1
BaileyB Posted June 21, 2022 Posted June 21, 2022 11 hours ago, planetgrapes said: Does anyone know what might have been going through his head to have blocked me on his birthday? Maybe his live in girlfriend discovered your relationship and he had to end it. In all seriousness, he was still living with his (ex)girlfriend. He lied to you for months about the fact that he was living with/in a relationship with another woman? That would have been MY cue to end it. Consider yourself lucky - bullet dodged. 4
Lotsgoingon Posted June 21, 2022 Posted June 21, 2022 Things were never "great" between you. He lied. He was living with his ex, and you didn't know that. He was probably sleeping with her as well. He decided to get back with the ex. And when you make a decision you don't postpone it because it's Christmas, New Year's, because you have a trip planned or because it's someone's birthday,. There is NEVER right time to end things with someone. He did the right thing to stop leading you on. He was decisive and clear. 4
Alpacalia Posted June 21, 2022 Posted June 21, 2022 12 hours ago, planetgrapes said: The problems first started about two months in when he video called me and said he didn't know where the relationship was going. He admitted that he was in love with me but that his recent ex was asking for another chance and was considering going back. I couldn't believe how he could do this to me after all we'd had at that point. I was completely distraught. We stayed together though because he made a real effort to show he wanted me. But because I always thought he'd have a backup to go to this gave me massive anxiety. Everything was going great for a while. We had such great times together on valentines day and even had some professional couples photos together. But over a few days/weeks he just seemed to completely lose interest. We never went out in the evenings anymore and stopped making plans for the future. In the event that he had a girlfriend, I wouldn't be surprised if he continued to see you until you caught him in the act. What would be the point of mentioning that his recent ex asked for another chance instead of just continuing your relationship two months in if you were buying into what he was telling you? Or, did you begin to poke around? How was he able to miss Valentine's Day with his girlfriend? Were you two on social media? Still, the fact remains that he lied about his ex living with him, so it's not a stretch to suggest that he lied the entire time about their involvement. 1
stillafool Posted June 21, 2022 Posted June 21, 2022 (edited) 2 hours ago, planetgrapes said: It is yes given their lies anything could have been going on. But I really don't think so. We spent all day on valentines day together and were talking about having a family. Only a complete s*** would have been seeing their ex all along. They could have been in the midst of a fight and didn't spend that day together. That happened to me once, a guy I went on a date with for the first time was on V-day which later I found out he had a gf and they were fighting during that time so he took me out. They too got back together. Looking at houses and talking about having a family was just him blowing smoke and you must know this by now since he's still with his ex. I don't believe the part that his ex had no place to go and that is why they still lived together. Where did she live before they lived together? Probably her parents house and she could go back to them if all else failed. Also even if he did let her stay there until she found another place he still could have you over and she'd just have to put up with it being an ex, but she wasn't. She was he main girl and you were his side chick and that is how he treated you in the end. Edited June 21, 2022 by stillafool 1
glows Posted June 21, 2022 Posted June 21, 2022 2 hours ago, planetgrapes said: Yes it was a massive thing for me but I never pressed it because I was so in love. I always wondered why I couldn't just got round for even an hour or two while the "friend" was out. They only finally admitted they never asked me round because they didn't want to rub it in the face of the ex that they were with me. The ex did know about me. Or so they said. Yes, and it’s very easy for someone to lie about something like this. Either way, he conned you into thinking he was single and decent until it was too late and you had feelings or couldn’t walk away as easily. This is the lowest of the low, OP. Can you see that?
Author planetgrapes Posted June 21, 2022 Author Posted June 21, 2022 2 hours ago, Alpacalia said: How was he able to miss Valentine's Day with his girlfriend? Were you two on social media? We spent it together and it was great. Funny thing is that we're on Instagram together and I haven't been blocked from that. I havn't made any contact though.
Author planetgrapes Posted June 21, 2022 Author Posted June 21, 2022 2 hours ago, stillafool said: They could have been in the midst of a fight and didn't spend that day together. That's not true, we planned it for ages just like many other things. The thing that really gets me is that we spent a whole day having a professional couples photoshoot together. People just don't do that unless they are in love. Yet, a few weeks later I am eliminated from their life
Author planetgrapes Posted June 21, 2022 Author Posted June 21, 2022 2 hours ago, stillafool said: Where did she live before they lived together? Probably her parents house and she could go back to them if all else failed. She was from East Europe so had no parents or family here
vla1120 Posted June 21, 2022 Posted June 21, 2022 14 hours ago, planetgrapes said: Does anyone know what might have been going through his head to have blocked me on his birthday? I'd say his live-in ex-girlfriend probably had something to do with this. You've given it your best. He has not. You deserve to be treated better than this. You might not feel it right now, but I think he did you a favor. Living with his ex-girlfriend is a pretty big (hypocritical) secret to keep from you. I'm sorry you are going through this.
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