Author Classicfiction Posted June 20, 2022 Author Posted June 20, 2022 4 hours ago, introverted1 said: This sounds more like polyamory or maybe ENM than bisexuality. Who you're attracted to (men, women, both) is separate from the issues of monogamy or lifestyle. Plenty of bisexual people are monogamous and it is not helpful to that community to suggest otherwise. I'm not trying to suggest anything. I'm struggling with my own sexuality and trying to figure out where I fit. I do know that I'm bisexual and that I have so far been unsuccessful in maintaining longterm relationships with men. Like what Will am I said, there's a scale. Some people are more 15 hours ago, Happy Lemming said: So you want to will yourself to not feel jealousy, but to feel compersion. I looked up compersion and it seems that (with compersion) the individual feels happiness when their partner is sexually active with someone else, not jealousy or anger. How do you propose to force or will yourself to feel that happiness when you are feeling jealousy and anger?? You asked about open marriage, but that means both husband and wife have sex with others and both are OK with it. And yet you say you would be jealous. Are you looking for a guy that will marry you, have sex with only you and allow you to go have sex with other women, when the urge surfaces?? I think that my jealousy is coming from my actual repressed sexual attraction to women, dude. I'm trying to work it out. I don't know that I'd want my male significant other to have sex with other women when I'm not there initially. The only way I'd be ok with that is if I was getting enough love elsewhere too. I don't know if this kind of lifestyle is something you have to ease into or what.
Author Classicfiction Posted June 20, 2022 Author Posted June 20, 2022 1 minute ago, ExpatInItaly said: Would you be grateful if your male partner wanted to include another man in your sex life? I think you have to consider the other side of the coin, if you expect this of a partner. Why wouldn't a man enjoy having threesomes with two women? I know what you're saying but I don't think it's quite the same thing.
ExpatInItaly Posted June 20, 2022 Posted June 20, 2022 Just now, Classicfiction said: Why wouldn't a man enjoy having threesomes with two women? Because not every man shares that fantasy, OP. The same reason not every woman would enjoy a threesome with two men.
Author Classicfiction Posted June 20, 2022 Author Posted June 20, 2022 6 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: Because not every man shares that fantasy, OP. The same reason not every woman would enjoy a threesome with two men. Right, I do realize this. That's why I'm saying I'd have to find the right guy. But enough men do fantasize about it that me asking that question is not completely out of left field.
Weezy1973 Posted June 20, 2022 Posted June 20, 2022 19 minutes ago, Classicfiction said: Right, I do realize this. That's why I'm saying I'd have to find the right guy. But enough men do fantasize about it that me asking that question is not completely out of left field. Yes and for many, a fantasy is kept as a fantasy for good reason. In the real world it gets complicated. Again, you’d need to be ver confident and not jealous. What happens if he appears to be having more enjoyment from the other woman than you, or seems more attracted to the other woman than you in the moment. Would you care?
Author Classicfiction Posted June 20, 2022 Author Posted June 20, 2022 Just now, Weezy1973 said: Yes and for many, a fantasy is kept as a fantasy for good reason. In the real world it gets complicated. Again, you’d need to be ver confident and not jealous. What happens if he appears to be having more enjoyment from the other woman than you, or seems more attracted to the other woman than you in the moment. Would you care? These are things that I've been trying to grapple with. The reality is that sex with men can be frustrating to me because I have to fantasize about women. Usually the fantasy involves him with another woman and me assisting I guess you could say. So if another woman being involved, allowed me to ease that frustration, then maybe it wouldn't bother me as much if he was greatly enjoying himself. But yeah... if it became a situation where the man fell in love with the other woman and I was left in the background, that would hurt. The hope would be that I meet a guy who also wants the exact scenario that I want and would appreciate me for being me.
Happy Lemming Posted June 20, 2022 Posted June 20, 2022 44 minutes ago, Classicfiction said: I do know that I'm bisexual... Have you had sex with a woman?? Did you enjoy it?? Was it better than sex with a man??
introverted1 Posted June 20, 2022 Posted June 20, 2022 47 minutes ago, Classicfiction said: I'm not trying to suggest anything. I'm struggling with my own sexuality and trying to figure out where I fit. I do know that I'm bisexual and that I have so far been unsuccessful in maintaining longterm relationships with men. You are conflating sexual attraction with monogamy (or the lack thereof). There is nothing inherent in bisexuality that makes it incompatible with monogamy. You can be bisexual and still be monogamous. And you can be straight and be polyamorous. Your OP seemed to suggest that your desire to have an open (or non-monogamous) relationship was a result of your bisexuality; they are not linked.
Will am I Posted June 20, 2022 Posted June 20, 2022 (edited) Poly Amourous relationships are probably the most complicated ones and probably require expert levels of communication. Edited June 20, 2022 by Will am I 1
Ami1uwant Posted June 20, 2022 Posted June 20, 2022 (edited) 1 hour ago, Classicfiction said: I'm not trying to suggest anything. I'm struggling with my own sexuality and trying to figure out where I fit. I do know that I'm bisexual and that I have so far been unsuccessful in maintaining longterm relationships with men. Like what Will am I said, there's a scale. Some people are more I think that my jealousy is coming from my actual repressed sexual attraction to women, dude. I'm trying to work it out. I don't know that I'd want my male significant other to have sex with other women when I'm not there initially. The only way I'd be ok with that is if I was getting enough love elsewhere too. I don't know if this kind of lifestyle is something you have to ease into or what. Alternate approach full time relationship/ marriage with a woman then you both agree on a man to be together with when needed Edited June 20, 2022 by Ami1uwant
Ami1uwant Posted June 20, 2022 Posted June 20, 2022 1 hour ago, Classicfiction said: As far as I can tell, I'm more romantically inclined toward men. But sexually I am very attracted to women as well. I've never tried to have a romantic relationship with a woman before, so I'm not 100% sure. What you said about not feeling as threatened by her being with other women... that does give me some hope. I guess because the attraction to women feels mostly sexual rather than emotional, the idea of the man being allowed to fall in love with others doesn't really make sense to me. My desire to include another woman with my significant other is sexual and doesn't really include a huge amount of emotional connection with the other woman in my mind. I want a man who would be grateful enough for the scenario that he would not want to run off with the other woman. However, if an emotional connection was to form between myself and a woman and my male partner was to develop feelings as well, then as long as we were all receiving enough love, that wouldn't be too terrible. It's just a matter of would it actually play out that way. 2 observations… (1) are you being selfish wanting the second person but he shouldn’t? (2) how would you feel if roles were reversed? What if the guy you were with enjoined occasional men just for sex but wasn’t looking for a relationship?
Wiseman2 Posted June 20, 2022 Posted June 20, 2022 Well there are throuples as well as polyamorous arrangements. However maybe you need to quietly reflect if you want a man, woman, both or exclusivity or serial relationships with both men and women or simultaneous relationships..
Ami1uwant Posted June 20, 2022 Posted June 20, 2022 1 hour ago, Classicfiction said: These are things that I've been trying to grapple with. The reality is that sex with men can be frustrating to me because I have to fantasize about women. Usually the fantasy involves him with another woman and me assisting I guess you could say. So if another woman being involved, allowed me to ease that frustration, then maybe it wouldn't bother me as much if he was greatly enjoying himself. But yeah... if it became a situation where the man fell in love with the other woman and I was left in the background, that would hurt. The hope would be that I meet a guy who also wants the exact scenario that I want and would appreciate me for being me. You don’t know yet how you feel. sure many guys have the fantasy of sleeping with two women at once but there are real risks here because it can tear your relationship apart if he finds it better with her or you find out you have a better “ relationship” with a woman and don’t need the man other than being a tool you use
mark clemson Posted June 20, 2022 Posted June 20, 2022 23 hours ago, Classicfiction said: I want to have a main partner. But have no idea if that works in the real world or not. Suggest you research "throupling" on quality polyamory sites.
Author Classicfiction Posted June 21, 2022 Author Posted June 21, 2022 7 hours ago, Ami1uwant said: You don’t know yet how you feel. sure many guys have the fantasy of sleeping with two women at once but there are real risks here because it can tear your relationship apart if he finds it better with her or you find out you have a better “ relationship” with a woman and don’t need the man other than being a tool you use Maybe I just haven't met the right guy yet. It's the intense need to fantasize during sex that makes me frustrated. If a guy was able to accept that my gender is both, it might help. I certainly don't want a giant mess of heartbreak.
Will am I Posted June 21, 2022 Posted June 21, 2022 6 hours ago, Classicfiction said: Maybe I just haven't met the right guy yet. It's the intense need to fantasize during sex that makes me frustrated. If a guy was able to accept that my gender is both, it might help. I certainly don't want a giant mess of heartbreak. It starts with getting to know yourself and your sexual identity. If you're with a man and have an intense need to fantasize about a woman, maybe you should consider having your sexual relationships with women instead. Once you figure out better what you like in men and women, the next step is to imagine your ideal structure of your relationship(s). And once you figure that out, find the best fitting partner(s).
Author Classicfiction Posted June 21, 2022 Author Posted June 21, 2022 6 hours ago, Will am I said: It starts with getting to know yourself and your sexual identity. If you're with a man and have an intense need to fantasize about a woman, maybe you should consider having your sexual relationships with women instead. Once you figure out better what you like in men and women, the next step is to imagine your ideal structure of your relationship(s). And once you figure that out, find the best fitting partner(s). I agree that this is a good plan. Since I've never dated women, I should probably at least give that a try. I do think that I will still be in the same boat at the end of the day though. We shall see! I guess I'm going to go see about some womenz haha. Wish me luck..
Happy Lemming Posted June 21, 2022 Posted June 21, 2022 1 hour ago, Classicfiction said: Since I've never dated women, I should probably at least give that a try. So at this point, would you define yourself as bi-curious??
Author Classicfiction Posted June 21, 2022 Author Posted June 21, 2022 28 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said: So at this point, would you define yourself as bi-curious?? Well, I've had experiences just not full blown relationships with women. It's a side of myself that I know is there for sure, but have been repressing for religious reasons. So I would say that I am bisexual.
Happy Lemming Posted June 21, 2022 Posted June 21, 2022 5 minutes ago, Classicfiction said: Well, I've had experiences just not full blown relationships with women. Did you enjoy these "experiences"?? Did you feel sexually satisfied after the experience?? Would you say you enjoyed it more than being with a man??
Calmandfocused Posted June 21, 2022 Posted June 21, 2022 On 6/19/2022 at 8:57 PM, Classicfiction said: Hey guys, I'm currently battling myself on something as usual. It kind of links in to the whole compersion thing again. Really what the crux of the issue is that I've found is that I'm inherently bisexual. This is something that I've repressed for a very long time and which has caused me a terrible amount of grief unfortunately. I want to be one way or the other but if I'm totally honest with myself I am both... and it sucks for me right now. I get depressed about it a lot. It has actually made me hate myself at times. But... I honestly don't know if I can be happy with just one man because of this. And it's more than just could I have a relationship with a man and a woman at the same time.... It's a drive to be with both in the same room, at least ocassionally. But then I get to thinking about the jealousy factor that would come into play and end up driving myself crazy. So my question for yall is.. has anyone had any experience as a bisexual person in a longterm relationship in which you did have partners of both genders... and did you run into jealousy issues or were/are you able to make it work? If you've been able to make it work, how do you manage? I don’t think you are bisexual. I think this is a concept intrinsically manufactured by your mother who has convinced you that you like females. I’ve said it before: I think you need to deal with your demons before you contemplate a relationship with anyone - gender irrelevant. 1
Author Classicfiction Posted June 21, 2022 Author Posted June 21, 2022 16 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said: Did you enjoy these "experiences"?? Did you feel sexually satisfied after the experience?? Would you say you enjoyed it more than being with a man?? As an adult, these experiences involved both. I can't say that I enjoyed the parts with the women any more than the parts with men. So I guess I need to have at least one experience with just a woman.
Happy Lemming Posted June 21, 2022 Posted June 21, 2022 2 minutes ago, Classicfiction said: So I guess I need to have at least one experience with just a woman. Because you are confused and questioning all aspects of your sexuality, I would agree you need to have a few (one on one) lesbian experiences. I do think you need a point of reference to compare it to. Perhaps after having some experiences with (just) a woman, you'll be both happy and fulfilled. At that point, you can pursue that type of relationship. 1
Author Classicfiction Posted June 21, 2022 Author Posted June 21, 2022 3 hours ago, Calmandfocused said: I don’t think you are bisexual. I think this is a concept intrinsically manufactured by your mother who has convinced you that you like females. I’ve said it before: I think you need to deal with your demons before you contemplate a relationship with anyone - gender irrelevant. You know what.. the thing is, I was going after girls when I was a kid. If my mom played a role in it, then that's a terrible thing. I have been trying to work through how much of this is coming from somewhere outside of myself and how much is a part of myself naturally. I'm not sure if I will ever know.
basil67 Posted June 21, 2022 Posted June 21, 2022 1 hour ago, Classicfiction said: You know what.. the thing is, I was going after girls when I was a kid. If my mom played a role in it, then that's a terrible thing. I can't find the history to this conversation, so please forgive me if you've already answered this....but are you suggesting your mother may have tried to manipulate your sexuality to make you gay? Yes, I know it happens to kids who are gay and their parents disapprove, but why would she try and make you gay? Could it be more likely that she knew you were interested in girls and was simply supportive of you?
Recommended Posts